Emily Episode 2: The White Cardigan of Superiority.

Tonight, because I am a brave soul, I am actually going to do the drinking game I proposed in the very last installment. That is, every time Emily says the words 'thank you' or 'so sweet', I will take a sip. I have an entire bottle of champagne. It is possible I may need it. But! I have decided to make mimosas instead of drinking champagne, because: A. vitamin C is good for you, and B. I am not insane. 

So...cheers! Let the games begin. 

Hey, did you know this installment of the Bachelorette was being filmed in Charlotte, North Carolina? I neglected to mention this last time, which is maybe why ABC has decided to mention it to me 85,000 times in this episode. Emily meets up with some of her soccer mom friends. She is super nervous about her date tonight, she tells them. Just be yourself, they say. Yawn. 

Back at the manse, Chris tells all the dudes the rules of the game, like all these aspiring actors don't already know. The camera pans over the dudes' worried, hungover faces and I recognize exactly no one. Maybe I should just give up on telling these guys apart. 

And the first date goes to...puffy hair Ryan! Wait, I know who that is. Good call, Emily. "Kalon" is upset. Tough luck, "Kalon". 

Emily comes to pick up Ryan, and all the dudes are hanging out by the pool, which is the perfect opportunity for some gratuitous ab shots. Screenshotted for your pleasure:

You're welcome. 

Emily isn't sure about Ryan because he is incredibly good-looking, and Brad was good-looking and we know how that turned out. Yes, and Ryan and Brad also have many other things in common! Like they both have hair, and a nose, and two eyes! Clearly Ryan is not to be trusted. 

In the car, Ryan wonders if his date will involve cliff-diving or bridge-jumping or helicopters. It is much worse than that. Ryan's date is...wait for it...baking cookies! Ryan pretends to be excited. Ryan is not very good at pretending. 

After the thrill of cookie baking comes the thrill of cookie delivery! The cookies are for Ricki's soccer team. Emily makes Ryan wait in the car, because she is very protective of her daughter and only wants her to be seen by the ABC camera crew. 

Ryan likes this date, because it's like, real, or something, and now they are going to Chuck E. Cheese. Just kidding! Now they are going to get dressed to the nines and probably have a private concert, because being real is boring. 

Speaking of boring...this date. Soooo dull. Ryan could like, see himself in Emily's life, or something. And then they go to a private concert, but I barely care, except to feel vaguely smug about having JUST TOLD YOU, because this show is like the Show That Cried Private Concert, and having a private concert is about as boring by now as ziplining or cliff diving. Oh, and at some point Ryan and his puffy hair get the date rose. I'm sleepy. 

A bunch more of these guys whose names I can't be bothered to remember are selected to do some sort of theatrical performance, for Emily's benefit and the audience's utter mortification. No one can sing, no one can dance, the so-called comics' jokes are terrible, and head injury Charlie nearly has a nervous breakdown. It is only saved, somewhat, by the appearance of the Muppets. Not kidding, the Muppets. First I was happy, like, omg, someone on screen I like! Even if it is a stuffed frog. Then I was sad that the muppets have allowed themselves to be sullied by this terrible, terrible show, and then I saw Chris sitting in the balcony, playing one of the old curmudgeons who comment on things, and it was great because it was like the show was making a joke at its own expense and admitting that Chris Harrison is sort of worthless, and I was happy again. But only kind of.

Then Ricki was there, and they called her up on stage to SING WITH THE MUPPETS, only in her case it was more like 'nod shyly along with the Muppets', and Emily said this is a moment that Ricki will remember her whole life and all the dudes just about peed themselves because Emily is SUCH A GOOD MOM. Which, honestly, I think all the Ricki stuff on the show is kind of backfiring for me. I know it's supposed to remind us that Emily is sweet and caring and deep and wonderful, but it just ends up reminding me that she repeatedly allowed her daughter to be on this crapheap show. Eh. 

At the post-Muppet-show wrap party, Emily confronts Anthony Michael Jef. She's not sure he likes her. He hasn't talked to her enough. He makes her nervous. "I feel awkward. I feel like I'm in middle school." Maybe that's because you're dating a guy who rides a skateboard. But then! Jef and Emily have this really great conversation, which I can't understand because it's edited all weird. But you can tell it must have been good because they both pronounce it the Best Talk Ever, and all is forgiven. Jef seems unusually lucid, and I realize it is because he is not drunk, and then I realize why this show is better with girls. 

Back at the manse, it is raining, which is like a symbol of my despair that this show is not even half over yet, and a DATE CARD ARRIVES. Another reason this show is better with girls? Girls are way better at pretending to be excited about stuff like this. The date card is for manic Joe, and he is THRILLED, EXCITED, PUMPED. 

Back at the WRAP PARTY, Emily is slow dancing with DJ 90s, who looks...greasy. I gotta give this woman credit, she doesn't seem the least bit grossed out by him, which is a feat of acting or graciousness or both. Or maybe it's a sign that she doesn't like any of these chumps and is just biding her time. Head injury Charlie is unimpressed by DJ 90s' dance moves and leads the other dudes downstairs to mock him, while "Kalon" remains in his chair, ensconced in a white cardigan of superiority. He is Better Than This. I don't know if anyone on a reality show should be able to use that argument.

"Kalon" goes downstairs to cut in on DJ 90s, who looks angry and murderous and even more greasy. Emily tells "Kalon" that she was worried about where he was and why he wasn't talking to her, which I'm calling bullshit on because wasn't that pretty much exactly what she said to Jef? Kalon isn't used to having to compete for women, because back home, when he sees a pretty girl he just goes and talks to her, because apparently "Kalon" is some kind of god among men. Science teacher Aaron comes to steal Emily, and "Kalon" asks for "just two more minutes". Which is TOTALLY AGAINST THE RULES. 

I'm pretty sure "Kalon" is going to get TONS of shit for this. Sure enough..."Kalon" goes to cry his tears on the sensitive shoulder of Anthony Michael Jef, while an increasingly drunk and belligerent DJ 90s tries to pick a fight with him. All the other guys look bored as hell, because this is stupid. Seriously, I think the guy on the far right might be about to fall asleep.

And the date rose goes to...Anthony Michael Jef! I think I'm starting to like him. Jealous Chris is jealous. Lightning flashes behind some roses. Yawn. 

Joe date time! Emily thinks Joe looks like Matthew McConaughey, which might be a sign that she has no idea who Matthew McConaughey is. They go to the Greenbriar, in West Virginia. It is Fancy. 

Back at the Manse! Seattle Doug asks the guys if they are ready to step into a father role, and points out that this is a Big Responsibility. He and Tony (also a single dad), he says, are the only ones who can truly understand this. "Kalon" points out, accurately if obnoxiously, that both Tony and Seattle Doug left their kids...to go on a reality show. Immediately the mood darkens. OH NO YOU DIDN'T. It's never good for this show to be too self-aware. 

Seattle Doug is all like, "do you think I put being a dad on hold to be on this show? Come get a piece of me!", completely ignoring the fact that this is totally true. "Do you think Emily put being a mom on hold to be on this show?" asks Seattle Doug. Oooooh. Kalon sputters. Everyone feels awkward.

It is dinnertime at the Greenbriar. Emily likes Joe but she thinks there is 'no spark'. Kiss of death. Emily asks Joe where he wants to be in five years. Joe wants to be...happy. This is groundbreaking stuff.   He is ready to start a life with her. "What does that mean?" asks Emily. Joe is ready to pack up and follow her wherever she goes. Then they put wishes in a magic love-clock. The clock will make your wishes come true? Or something. Joe's wish is to come back here with Emily and Ricki. Emily's wish sounds like a fortune-cookie fortune. Something about being hopeful and confident. Just when I think the Joe date is going to turn a corner, Emily tells Joe that she doesn't see him in her life. Joe drives away as Emily leans over a balcony, which is a classic Bachelor metaphor for deep emotional distress.  

Cocktail party time! Time for some serious fast-forwarding. Race car Arie loves children. Emily tells him he makes her nervous. Hasn't she said that to every man here? Add Nervous to the list of drinking-game words and you are golden. And by 'golden', I mean, don't operate any heavy machinery. 

Single dad Tony goes to steal Emily from puffy hair Ryan. But! Puffy hair Ryan has written Emily a love note. A super long one. Like, seven pages. Front and back. Ryan insists that Emily read the whole damn thing while Tony is there watching. It is awful. 

Tony finally gets his day in the sun. He needs to tell Emily that he has a kid, because that will guarantee him at least one more episode. "Kalon" has some one-on-one time with Emily. Everyone hates Kalon. John WOLF, who we have not heard from all episode, tells us that if you have Louis Vuitton luggage, and you're a dude, you're a bleeeep. Hey, chill out, dude. "Kalon" is a 'luxury brands advisor'. Having Louis Vuitton luggage is practically his JOB. 

Floppy hair Michael looks hot with his hair pulled back. Here's Chris. Party's over! Emily has to send two guys home, and she really does not know who to cut. I can think of a few. 

At the rose ceremony: Emily: "Tonight was an interesting night. I know how long these nights can be." Me too, Emily. Me too. 

Roses go to:

-"Kalon"

-race car Arie

-floppy hair Michael

-Nate (who?)

-Sean the tall pink blonde from Dallas

-jealous Chris

-angry Seattle Doug

-Travis (but where is the egg? I see NO EGG. does the egg have a babysitter?)

-single dad Tony

-John WOLF

-Alessandro 

-head injury Charlie

-Alejandro

And the final rose (thanks, Chris) goes to...

DJ 90s. Emily has terrible taste. 

Science teacher Aaron and his Mies Van der Rohe glasses are terribly disappointed. I have no idea who Kyle is, but Kyle is also disappointed. Getting your heart broken, he says, is "the worst feeling in the world". Notice that he doesn't say he has just gotten his heart broken. I see your tricks, editing monkeys. 

Next up: Emily and race car Arie make out on a carousel! Emily meets Dolly Parton and displays way more emotion than she has with any of the guys. But then..things get dramatic. Lightning strikes. Emily BREAKS THE EGG. No joke. She BREAKS THE EGG. This is SERIOUS. Don't miss it. 

Emily Episode 1: It's BACK.

This is a Very Special season of the Bachelorette, because it is the Bachelorette: Southern Barbie edition. And also because it marks the return of MY BLOG. Emily has had her heart broken TWICE. The first time, her fiance died in a plane crash, which cannot be construed as ABC's fault, but the second time, she was blindsided by the demise of her engagement with Brad, which was entirely the fault of this crapheap show. Emily has come back to our televisions for a second chance at love, because some people never learn. 

Emily also had a daughter with fiance number one. Her image as the Bachelorette Madonna means that I will try (try!) to refrain from mocking her, so the dudes will feel the full force of my snarkery. We'll have fun. Let's meet the guys!

Our first bachelor is named 'Kalen'. He flies helicopters. He is from Houston, Texas, and he sucks. (Cue stream of emails from friends of "Kalen" defending "Kalen", because everyone in Houston knows each other. Anybody know this guy? Does he suck? He seems like he sucks.) Kalen used to be a womanizing jerk, but then he did some like, self-reflecting and decided to make a HUGE CHANGE and be a more responsible, down-to-earth guy and go on the Bachelorette. Yeah, that'll do it. 

Kalen strikes a self-reflecting pose on the balcony of a newish apartment complex. From the looks of it I'm guessing it is this one. Can anybody confirm? C'mon, I need some dirt on this guy. 

Ryan is from Georgia and used to be a pro football player. He has kinda puffy hair, but his accent slays me. 

Tony sells lumber for a living. His true passion is fitness. Tony looks like a total dud until we realize that he has an adorable 5-year-old son. Who has two thumbs and is gonna marry Emily? Someone who makes really, really terrible jokes.

LeRone lives in LA. He has large muscles and an inexplicably small dog.

David lives in New York and is a singer-songwriter unemployed. His hobbies include carrying a guitar through central park and writing songs about Emily upon which I will refrain from comment. Think like, Billy Joel. If Billy Joel were terrible. 

Charlie seems like a normal dude, BUT...last year he had a terrible accident where he was on a balcony that collapsed. Charlie, I'm glad you are okay. And I hope you sued the hell out of that lousy architect and contractor.

Jeff lives in Salt Lake City. People rarely take him seriously, because he is an adult who rides a skateboard and looks like Duckie from Pretty in Pink. I loved that movie. Duckie runs a bottled water company that donates some of its profits to build wells for impoverished people, so I am an asshole for making fun of him. 

Arie is a race car driver, just like Emily's dead fiance. That will go over well.

Commercial break! Now we are at the Bachelor mansion, only it is a different house this time, and that makes me both confused and upset. At least the smooth, ageless face of Chris Harrison will never change. Emily arrives. She is lovely but she is NERVOUS because she could meet her HUSBAND tonight. Emily and Chris have a heart-to-heart chat. SKIPPED. 

First dude out of the limo is Sean. He is from Dallas and entirely unremarkable. This does not bode well for this season. 

Next guy is David the unemployed. I realize he looks a little like John Stamos. Doug is from Seattle and has a perpetually worried/since expression. He also has an 11-year-old son. That will be good for at least two more episodes. Emily also looks worried/sincere,  so maybe they are perfect for each other. 

Jackson is a MODEL, and I'm secretly hoping for a reprise of last season's Courtney madness, because that was entertaining/terrible. Jackson gets on his knees and recites a poem. Please, I pray to the beneficent heavens, no poems. But he goes for it: 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take

But by the number of moments that take our breath away. 

Jackson read that on a Hallmark card in the airport on the way over here. 

Also, NEW DRINKING GAME: Take a drink every time Emily says "thank you" or "so sweet". Note that I am not responsible for damage to your internal organs.

Joe is next and he is ON. He is waving his hands around and totally excited and totally manic and totally freaking me out. Emily thanks him. Like four times. For being insane. 

Arie's intro does not include a mention of him being a race car driver like dead fiance. I'm predicting this will be a BIG REVEAL in episode 2 or 3. 

Aaron is a high school biology teacher, but he has CHEMISTRY with Emily. He looks vaguely like Ryan Gosling. "She Blinded Me With Science" would be playing over this portion, but ABC already blew the budget on champagne and helicopters. 

"Emily. You're real." says Alessandro dramatically, long hair flapping in his face. Get thee to a daytime soap, Alessandro. "You're real", retorts Emily. Ugh. 

Duckie, I mean Jeff, rides in on a skateboard behind the limo. I just noticed he only spells his name with one F. This is why people don't take you seriously, dude. 

Stevie comes in. He has a boombox, because he is a party MC, like the guy who tries to get everyone to do the limbo at your wedding. "I feel like I'm at a nightclub", says Emily. Seriously, a boombox? I feel like I'm in 1997. 

Tony the lumber seller has brought a glass slipper on a pillow. He is looking for his PRINCESS. 

This is deeply embarassing. 

Fortunately for me, there are like a million more guys left. In hobbles someone dressed in a terrible blue dress with a terrible wig and fake cane. Wait, is this making fun of the grandma who accompanied her daughter last season? Randy rips off the wig for a big reveal, Scooby-Doo style, but it is too late to avoid looking like a complete asshole. "Very creative," says Emily. "You stuck out in my mind". That's not a good thing. 

Here's John. His friends call him "Wolf", because he is a Data Destruction Specialist. I can only imagine that John participates in some sort of virtual demolition derby. 

Next up is Travis, and he is holding...an egg? I hope it screams like the one in Harry Potter. I want to scream. "This egg is a symbol of two beautiful people, and throughout this journey I will take care of this egg like I would take care of you and Ricki." Says Travis. The...hell?

Seriously, he said that. I can't make this shit up. That egg is a goner. "Thank you," says Emily. 

Emiliano is a mushroom farmer. What kind of mushrooms is not mentioned. He speaks to Emily in Spanish. "Me llamo Emily", says Emily. 

Ryan and his puffy hair have made some notes. When he goes to read his notes, one side says "You're so beautiful", and the other side says, "I'm so nervous". That is actually pretty cute. Was this penned by an ABC intern, or did Ryan make it on the fly in the limo? "So sweet", says Emily. "So sweet." Emily is my liver's sworn enemy. 

And the last guy is too damn good for limos, so he decides to arrive in a HELICOPTER. "It's Brad!", say the dudes. Worse. It is "Kalon". Told you he sucked.  "I'm sorry if I made you wait a few minutes for me. But I promise it's worth it", says "Kalon", like a DOUCHE. The dudes all hate him now, so I guess we have something in common.

"Emily! 25 incredible men!" sez Chris. So true, if by "incredible", you mean "mostly insane". Thus far we have:

-a douche with a helicopter

-a guy with a boombox

-a grownup who rides a skateboard

-manic Joe

-poetry model Jackson

and some dude with an EGG. 

It's not looking good. 

Emily gives a speech to the assembled clusterchump. Her previous experience on the show, she says, is proof that this process can work. Wait, did Emily see the same show I did? Isn't her previous experience proof that this show can break your heart and crush your dreams? Never mind, because everyone involved is already 2 1/2 sheets to the wind. 

Cut to a montage of all the dudes cutting in on other dudes to get time with Emily, because she is so HOT. Emily is surprised by her newfound popularity. "When I go to the grocery store, guys are not pulling me in 15 different sections of the grocery store." Weird, that always happens to me. 

Chris has created...a bobblehead of himself. That's kind of cute. He also has a bobblehead of Emily. That's kind of stalkery. "They've been through a lot together", he says. That's kind of actionable. Emily and Chris play dolls. See, it's a great idea, because Chris can use his doll to tell the Emily doll things he longs to say to her, in the deep secrety depths of his heart, like how he feels there is a Spark. "Chris is super hot and so thoughtful. I like him a lot", says Emily, instead of getting a restraining order. This show is set in a strange, strange universe that logic cannot touch. I should've already known that. 

Everyone thinks Travis' egg is weird, and that's saying a lot coming from a crowd that includes a guy who plays with dolls. Travis defends the egg. It's who he is. He's "goofy". At least, says Travis, having a freaking egg is better than having a helicopter and being RICH. 

Now it's time for some one-on-one time with Duckie and his bouffant hairstyle. Duckie makes Emily feel like a nerd. He has a 'cool vibe'. Oh, Emily. 

Seattle Doug's son wrote Emily a note. That, gentlemen. That is how you play the game. Right after that it is time for the appearance of the ominous FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE. Of course all the men start foaming at the mouth, which is a little ridiculous because there are still like, a bajillion more roses left, but everyone is on like, their sixth scotch or mojito or whatever at this point, and counting is a higher brain function. Everyone hates "Kalen" and hopes he doesn't get the rose. Kalen: "Some of the guys are a little hostile towards me, but at the same time, I'm kinda used to that." Have you ever thought it's cuz you're a BIG FAT JERK?

Now it is time for some STUPID MAN DRAMA! It goes kind of like this: "Kalen" is talking to Emily. Some other dude (maybe Sean? is there a Sean?) comes to steal her. Sean asks "Kalen" if he minds. Of course "Kalen" does mind, and he says so, but then he lets Emily go. LATER: DJ 90s confronts "Kalen" and accuses him of...actually, I don't know what he accuses him of. Not letting Emily go? Clearly, he just did this, as the viewers just witnessed. Speaking his mind? Ominous music is playing, but I am not fooled, Bachelor producers. Look, I dislike "Kalen" just as much as anybody, but this is the stupidest fight ever. Also, DJ 90s looks like a used car salesman.

Plays "Baby Got Back" at EVERY reception. 

Arie chooses this moment to break it to Emily that he is a race car driver. "I've raced cars since I was 14," he tells her. Also, 'race car' is a palindrome. Arie wants to know if Emily is okay with this. She is totally fine with it! Racing is her favorite sport! Also, Arie is totally fine. More non-drama. 

And the first impression rose goes to...Seattle Doug! But really to Seattle Doug's 11-year-old son. The other dudes are crushed. I don't know why, because immediately afterwards, Chris Harrison ambles in and halfheartedly bangs on his wineglass. Rose ceremony time! Chris shuffles off to collect his paycheck. 

Emily: "Coming into tonight, I was worried, like, I'm not gonna like any of these guys. And now, I'm worried, like, well hell, who I am gonna send home?" We're not buying that, honey. Half of these men are certifiably insane. 

Emily gives a speech. Thank you, hopeful, so sweet. Roses go to:

-bobblehead Chris

-puffy hair football Ryan

-"Kalon" (whose name I realize I have been spelling wrong this entire blog. take that, "Kalon"!)

-race car Arie

-head injury Charlie

-Anthony Michael Jef

-Nate (who?)

-Sean (there is a Sean!)

-manic Joe

-Kyle (who?)

-science teacher Aaron

-Alejannndro

-John WOLF

-Alessandro (wait, there's an Alejandro and an Alessandro? no way.)

-floppy hair Michael

-DJ 90s (whaaat?)

-Tony (who?)

aaaand....

ONE ROSE lingers on the table. Oh, hi Chris. 

THE FINAL ROSE goes to...EGG GUY!!! Completely shocked, he drops his egg. No, he doesn't. But it is still a dumbass idea. 

RoboChris, face set firmly on "sympathy", rolls out to tell the rest of the losers to say their goodbyes. Some guy named Brent is disappointed about not finding love. He has six kids. Look, I know that being a father is a tactical advantage in this game, but six? That's just overkill. 

Coming up this season! Everyone cries. Emily tells someone to 'get the F out'. And then she wanders around in the rain and says, "I will protect my family until the day I die". Wait, is this Bachelorette or Taken? Then there's true love, there's a carousel, there's...Dolly Parton? Whatcha wha?

Stay with me. I don't know if I can take this alone. 

Sad News.

Sad news, friends. I had really hoped to blog the bachelor again this season, and in fact I was planning on it, but in the end I've decided that I need to take a break. I want to be able to focus on my job, and on my other writing efforts. I want to actually use the gym membership I pay thirty dollars a month for. I'd like to take ballet. (Yes, I know I am 28, but I've always wanted to take ballet.) And every once in a while, I would like to actually sleep. After all, if you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything.

I want you to know how much I've appreciated your support and all your funny and insightful comments. The enthusiastic response to the blog has encouraged me that I can write, and that I can be funny and interesting. I'm happy to have entertained you for a while. Maybe I'll be back next season - it'll depend on what life throws at me. (And whether or not they pick somebody awesome. Mike Fleiss, you listening?) In the meantime, you can console yourself with some delicious drinks from my booze blog, or from the Kitchn, that other blog I get paid to write for. I'm also hanging out twice a week over at Apartment Therapy, where I occasionally write funny things but mostly write about home decor (if that's your bag).

And of course I'll still be watching the show, so feel free to pull me aside the next time you see me to discuss all the DRAMAZ. I can't wait to see what psycho Carrie Bradshaw will do next.

Oh noooooooooooo

Ali and Roberto are dunzo, you guys.

Ashley and J.P. - stay strong.

Bachelor Pad 2: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.

I know my legions of followers are going to be tremendously disappointed, but I have chosen not to recap Bachelor Pad, because it is the worst show ever. For all your sarcastic-recap needs, I leave you in the capable hands of Megan, over at Buddy TV, who is one of my favorite bachelor bloggers. (Yes, I read other bachelor blogs, because I cannot get enough of the MADNESS.)

So enjoy the show, if you can. Enjoy Ames' sweet, blank stares of confusion (how did I get here? WHAT IS GOING ON??), Casey's perplexing inability to open his mouth when he talks, and Vienna's no-holds-barred campaign to become the most hated person on earth. Watch as Chris Harrison becomes increasingly shiny and hard and plastic-y. And go easy on Erica Rose - true, she made the questionable life choice of being part of the cast of the worst game show on earth, but I knew her in high school, and she was genuinely nice as a 14-year-old. Not a lot of people can say that.

Ashley FINALE: Happily Ever After.

So I think this season lasted about three months, but I'll be damned if it didn't feel like a million years. As the curtain closes on the final act in this absurd theater of LOVE, I would like to thank you, my loyal readers, for sticking with me until the bitter end.

And now! The two lucky bachelors whom Ashley has elected to be her president and vice-president of LOVE get to meet Ashley's family. In Fiji! It's just like a normal relationship!


First up: the family is so excited to meet JP, and of course he is wonderful and pleasant, but I can't even concentrate because HOLY TATTOOS BATMAN. Ashley's sister has tattoos over like, every inch of her body. I think I might've commented on this last season, but...I am still shocked.


Aside: did anyone else notice that Ashley's family are arranged around the table only on one side, like it's the last supper?

So everyone's being so nice, and they're all laughing, which is all well and good, but we all know that people getting along is hella boring. Did somebody call for some DRAMA? Oh, tatted sister to the rescue. She thinks JP is totally not right for Ashley. Ashley is too much for him. Like, what the hell does that even mean, Tats?

Apparently it means that JP is 34, and like, too grown-up and mature for Ashley. Tats is concerned that JP isn't very fun. I dunno, I saw that makeout on the beach in Thailand, and that looked pretty freaking fun.

JP leaves and Ashley and her sister have a heart-to-heart, because Ashley's only got one more boyfriend left and if Tats goes full bitch on him, too, she could wind up ALL ALONE. I think you and I both know the real reason for this scene is that there is currently a seriously dearth of DRAMA in this show, which means that right now Tats is pretty much carrying the episode on her tiny, colorful shoulders.


Unfortunately for our bachelorette, Tats has already unpacked her bitch suitcase in preparation for an extended stay in bitchville. She doesn't like JP, she explains, because she is so much more rational than Ashley, which is a really great and not at all offensive argument that everyone uses in politics to prove that their opponents are worthless fools. Tats points out that Ashley had a great gut feeling about The Person Who Left, so that sort of invalidates her gut feelings about JP. Like apparently even Tats, who is clearly the evil sister, can't even bring herself to say his name.

And if that weren't bad enough, Tats even thinks that Ashley was more herself around Brad. Wait, she's comparing JP to Brad? Harsh. I would think anyone able to form a coherent sentence would compare favorably to Brad, but there's just no arguing with Tats because she's so darn rational.

Time for Ben to meet the fam. Perhaps in an effort to sell them on how FUN! Ben is, Ashley is borderline manic. Crazy dances! Goofy voices! Then she convinces Ben to do the goofy voice he uses to talk to his dog. And by "goofy", I mean "creepy as hell". This voice will haunt my dreams. Tats nods her approval. This, she says, is the real Ashley. I'll take fake Ashley any day.


Time for Tats to take Ben outside and ask him some TOUGH QUESTIONS. I'm hoping for a real doozy, like, "what is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" Or "If train A departs Chicago at 8:30 AM, traveling at 53 miles per hour, and train B..."

But instead, Chrystie totally softballs it. This stuff is really elementary, like, what do you like about Ashley? Are you ready to propose? Ben was ready to propose like, yesterday. Bring it on!

So the family really likes both bachelors, except for the part where Tats hates JP. Ashley was really hoping talking to her family would provide some clarity, but now she is MORE CONFUSED THAN EVER. Gee, thanks guys.

Time for Ben's Last Chance Date, and it is...bathing in mud! (This was one of the first group dates on the very first season of the Bachelor. Sometimes I am ashamed how much I know about this show.) Sure, it sounds gross, but this is not just any mud. It is sexy mud. That makes two dates in a row where Ben and Ashley rub things on each other.


Later that night, Ben decides it's finally time for his big Confession of Love. After Ben drops the big L bomb, Ashley looks...less than enthused. She does not say it back, but, Ben reasons, that's because she can't. And then her tiny dentist legs wrapped around him tell him all he needs to know.


The next morning! With JP, on the beach. Wait, did she just call him "Jape"? Ashley, you are officially the most annoying person ever.

Ashley and JP have a big argument about how much they like each other, which is a really dumb argument that would only happen on the Bachelor, and then he tells her, "try not to break my heart." Or Nancy will come after you.


Later that night, JP gives Ashley a scrapbook. That he made himself! Awww. Nothing says "I love you" like a man making a scrapbook. It even comes in a convenient basket carrying case. I wonder if he picked that out himself?

These next 15 minutes brought to you by Neil Lane Jewelers! Wait, is that the actual Neil Lane peddling a ring to JP? What happens if she says no? asks Neil Lane. What a freaking buzzkill. C'mon, Neil Lane. Your job is to sell rings. Who cares if she has another boyfriend? If every girl in America gets two engagement rings, that is double the profits!


Ashley waits for her two would-be fiances on a desert island, wearing a sparkly pink dress. She is the prettiest mermaid ever. Cut to the sky above. Music soars as one bachelor flies over the beautiful blue ocean to his doom.

Back to the island. DRAMATIC MUSIC. Ashley is dreading, dreading breaking the heart of a man she thought she might love forever. The first seaplane lands. A SINGLE FOOT emerges from the plane. The suspense builds to a crescendo. As we all know (or at least, as I know, because I watch this show too damn much), the loser always arrives in the first limo (er, seaplane), so the person attached to that foot is about to get his heart broken.

WHOSE FOOT IS THAT???

It's..Ben. One one hand? That means she chose JP, and that is the RIGHT CHOICE. On the other hand? That means Ben is about to get his heart broke, and it is not gonna be pretty.

Ben clomps happily down the driftwood path towards his would-be love, and talks about how his dead father would be proud of him, and I'm like, nooooo! It's a little like watching someone skip over the edge of the Grand Canyon. Ashley looks like she's gonna hurl, but Ben will not allow her to reject him before he says his piece. He gets his proposal out before Ashley's silence clues him in that things might not be going as planned. "I'm sorry," Ashley finally says.

"I guess that's it, right?" Ben turns to walks away. Ashley tries to follow him and tell him how super great he is to soften the blow a little, but it's hard to walk very fast when you're a mermaid, and anyway Ben is having none of it. "Don't sugarcoat it, " he says. Ben's kinda pissed. "You can't leave something like this on good terms. It's not possible."


Ben boards the speedboat of rejection, headed for the ocean of heartbreak, while Ashley cries. "I hate this. I hate that I just did that." Oh, Ashley. You only suck at being the Bachelorette because you are reasonably decent at being a human being.


And now, happy music plays as JP flies in, all sexylike in his pink plane. They meet, on the beach. He proposes. She accepts. And then...there is a glorious Ashley/JP montage, set to perhaps the greatest roller-skating song of all time.

It is pretty cute.


Later, walking on the beach:

A: Did you ever think that it would all end like this?
JP: you walked in, and the first rose ceremony you were like, 'my husband is definitely in this room'. I'm like, 'what the (bleeep) is she talking about?'
A: And it's you!
J: And it's me.

Awwww.


Dear Ashley,

Let's be honest. This season kinda sucked. But I think you and JP are good together. I really do. I hope you crazy kids make it.

Ashley Episode 9: The Many Faces of Ashley Hebert.

So at this point: I really think it's J.P. And I'm not just saying that because I luurve him. Look, I know Mike Fleiss loves to screw with us, and that I could be sitting down to a delicious meal of crow in a few days, but I can't help noticing that when Ashley is with J.P., she's flirty. Happy. Fun. When she's with the other guys, she's...meh. Which I guess just means Ashley is a very poor fake-slut, so good on her, but I've gotta say, it makes for some pretty uncomfortable viewing. If I had a dollar for every awkward, closed-mouth kiss with Ben I would have at least...seventeen dollars. That's a very nice meal at Chili's. And a whole lot of awkward television.

Dear Diary,

I think JP is the one for me. His cute bald head and his cute little face set my heart aflutter. But I've still got to spend a whole week in Fiji with my other boyfriends. Life is rough.

Ashley's getting ready for her date with loverboy Ben, when all of a sudden...rain. Claps of thunder. OMINOUS MUSIC. A pair of flip-flops stalks ominously through the jungle to Ashley's love shack.

WHO DOES THIS TORSO BELONG TO???

The camera pans up ominously for the big reveal, and...yeah, it's Ryan. He is BACK. But he has not brought his trademark sunshine. In fact, this might the unhappiest Ryan's ever looked in his whole life. Ryan felt that he and Ashley had potential, and he wants to explore that potential. Because nothing is more romantic than refusing to say goodbye.

Ashley sees Ryan, and she is all like, HOLY SHIT, and she invites him inside, but it is maybe not the magical reunion Ryan had hoped for. He explains that after Ashley dumped him in Thailand, he went home and threw himself into his work, but all the solar panels and tankless water heaters in the world could not fill the void in his heart. So he did what any man in his position would do: he called Chris Harrison. And Chris was like, she's in Fiji. GO FOR IT. Ryan feels like he and Ashley didn't really have a chance. Ashley's kind of like, uhhhh...


Let it be known, officially, that Chris Harrison gives the shittiest love advice ever.

Ashley asks for a few days to think things over, because sending him right home after he just flew to freaking Fiji would just be cruel. Ryan has to be satisfied with this answer. It doesn't matter what happens this time around, he says, because he knows he gave it his all. NO REGRETS.

After that little episode, it is time for a date with Ben in awkwardsville. At least the producers have chartered a giant yacht for them. So there is that.


Ben and Ashley have some seriously scintillating conversations. Such as:

Ben: It feels like I haven't seen you in forever!
Ashley: I knowww! You haven't.

On the boat:
Ashley: I wanna go see upstairs.
Ben: I wanna go see upstairs.

Damn.

Ashley takes advantage of this super-romantic location to tell Ben how his mother scared the hell out of her. The producers are getting a little bored with this, so they instruct Ashley to rub sunscreen on Ben's chest. While straddling him. I don't even know what to think.


So one of two things is going on here:

1. The sunscreen scene is just the tip of the iceberg of Ben and Ashley's burning lust, and I am dead wrong about this whole JP thing.
2. The sunscreen scene is totally orchestrated by the producers to screw with our heads, and JP just about blew a gasket when he saw it.

Ben is like, "thanks for all your hard work!", and Ashley's like, no, thank you. She thinks her life with Ben would never be dull, like, all suncreen application, all the time. It will be super-hot, and no one will get skin cancer, ever.

Ben is totally diggin it. He's going to tell Ashley that he loves her, tonight. He hasn't been there for the longest time.


Ashley and Ben have dinner on the beach. Ashley picks her teeth and looks unenthused. Ben decides to back off on the love thing. For now. They talk about their feelings, and Ashley could totally see herself with Ben, which is not the same thing as wanting to see herself with Ben, and she's like, "we have so many great things between us, it's like, what else would have to happen?" And he's like, I dunno, what else would have to happen?, because to him, I think, it's already happening, so then they're at this weird conversational standstill. So Ben blathers on for a while about how he's so Open now, and it's all thanks to the Journey, and Ashley's like, "huh. nice", and I feel awkward, but fortunately that's when the boink suite card comes from Chris Harrison, arbiter of love and romance.

Ben decides not to drop the L-bomb, because "you can kind of look at each other and get a gauge of what the other person is thinking." When I look at Ashley, I see this:


But, you know, whatever.

Ben happily declares them to be "on the same page". It is fantasy suite time. They go to the fantasy suite, and I have to admit that it is pretty...sweet. Ashley shows Ben how their bedroom is like, open to the pool, like an especially helpful real estate agent, and then they put on their bathing suits and make out in the water, and I'm like, finally, because I've been waiting for someone to make out in a pool all season, and it's so very Sweet Valley High and that makes me happy.


Ben carries Ashley out of the pool, all suggestively, and they kiss and then the screen goes dark and we SPECULATE.


The next morning! Constantine date, and Ashley is bringing back the double wave and the seriously questionable clothing choices. Ashley has a surprise for Constantine. It's a helicopter! He's all jazzed, but I'm like, gee, never seen that one before. Ashley and Constantine fly over some reefs, and Constantine just about flips his shit over how blue the water is. "SO AWESOME! COOLEST THING EVER!!! WHAT DOES IT ALL MEEEAN?"


Cut to a shot of Ryan standing on a reef, looking up at the sky, like the producers want us to believe that he is standing there STARING AT THE HELICOPTER like a total creeper. Uh-huh. Nice try, guys. Ryan is just chillaxin, hanging out on the beach in the Fiji, waiting for the inevitable rejection from his fake reality-show girlfriend. Life is rough.

I wish all my breakups were this agonizing.

Meanwhile, Ashley and Constantine jump into a waterfall, and Ashley's all like, blah blah, leap of faith, and I'm like, why is Constantine still wearing shoes? Like maybe it's some kind of metaphor for his inability to make himself completely vulnerable. Or something.


Look, Ashley and Constantine have some kinda weird-ass relationship. They just rode a freaking helicopter, and jumped off a waterfall, and now they're picnicing on a deserted beach, and Ashley's still doing this thing where she's pushing him away. She's giving him crap about his fear of comittment, which makes me think that it's not really there for her, because I'm pretty sure that if I were even slightly attracted to someone and we did all that stuff together, all those endorphins would be taking over my brain and I would be like, MARRY ME NOW. But instead Ashley and Connie have this conversation:

Ashley: Can I say something that I learned about you on your hometown, that directly relates to our relationship? How many houses did you look at before you bought a house?
Connie: 108. (pause.) It's a big investment! I wanted a man cave! There was so much that I wanted in a house and...I couldn't find that.


Ashley's like, uh-huh. Point made.

"Houses and women are not the same!" protests Man Cave Constantine, but Ashley remains unconvinced. She recognizes that he is usually slow to make decisions, but right now it's like, go big or go home. Ashley hopes that things take off tonight, and I'm pretty sure that is not an innuendo, but...it is not lookin good. Ashley cannot read Constantine. He makes her nervous. Most romantic date ever!

Ashley and Constantine have dinner, and things are not, er, taking off. With the spectre of Chris Harrison's love shack invite looming, Ashley admits that she doesn't feel like Constantine is really attracted to her. She wants him to want her, but...she feels like it's just not there. Constantine admits that for him, either he feels something or he doesn't. Ashley wants to know if he's acting like a cold fish because of her, or because of the Process, and finally Constantine admits that...yeah, it's not really there. He does not want to go to the fantasy suite, or pass Go, or collect 200 dollars. His Love Journey has reached a dead end.


Ashley is kind of like, really? You're dumping me? In freaking Fiji?

And Constantine's like, yeah. And Ashley's like, thanks for being honest, I guess, and Constantine walks off, and Ashley looks sadly at the unused boink suite card, but not all that sadly, because let's be honest...Constantine was kind of a dud.

Ashley takes this opportunity to resume feeling super insecure. "This is a two-way street, and guys could leave, very late in the game...what if I end up all alone, and all of this was for nothing?" Nonono. Constantine was a dud! Let's stick with that.

Fortunately, there's still JP. But before Ashley can go out with him, it is time for Ryan's inevitable rejection. He is just what she's looking for, on paper, but...she's just not feeling it.

Ashley: "Thanks for coming all the way to Fiji. I think you're really great, but...I like my other two boyfriends more."

Ryan: "I'm never listening to Chris Harrison ever again."

Ryan is so sad he manages to not grin for seven whole seconds. It sucks to get rejected. On national TV. Twice.

JP time! Finally. Ashley and JP ride on a plane, which is like, a metaphor for how their relationship is taking off. Or something. They are going to their own private island. JP: "It's like the world just...ended and put the two of us on this island." Awww. Nothing is more romantic than your own personal apocalypse.


Ashley and JP embrace in the waves. What they have is Special, Ashley thinks. It could last a lifetime. At least until the zombie hordes reach the south Pacific.


That night: Ashley decides it's time to come clean. She explains to JP that she ditched Constantine, because he was lame and had ugly hair, but that wasn't the only rejecting she did this week. Someone came back.

JP: Wtf? So if you get sent home, you can just like, come back whenever you feel like it? Do the rules of this show even matter anymore?
Ashley: It was Ryan. He wanted more time. But I, uh, kicked him to the curb. Again. What, did you think it was Bentley?
JP: Uh-huh. I was like, not again.

I didn't think I could love JP any more.

JP wants to be the last one standing. Ashley doesn't want JP to hold back, just because she like, still has another boyfriend. She has been there. JP is afraid of getting hurt, and this better not be foreshadowing or I'm-a kill someone.

It is time for Chris Harrison's very cordial invitation to get it on. JP: "Uh, yeah. I think I'm into that." Go JP go!


Ashley and JP retire to a villa in the jungle. Ashley decides to pull a Chantal and change into just a long white shirt, and JP is totally diggin it. I would screenshot, but it is kind of NSFW. Use your imagination.

Ashley has a little pow-wow with BFF Chris. Sorry, CH, but...SKIPPED.

Rose Ceremony time! There are 2 roses and 2 dudes. That is math a kindergartener could do, but the producers decide to go through with this sham rose ceremony anyway because they have a need to fill the last 20 minutes of this show with empty ritual. It is the Least Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever.

Roses go to...Ben, and...JP. SHOCKER.

Ashley is so relieved that both dudes accepted their roses. Maybe guys can be attracted to her, after all! She assures JP and Ben that she totally would've given them the roses even if they weren't the only two guys there. Take that, Constantine!


And next week! (Or...tonight, since I'm so late with this installment. Sorry!) The men tell all! Remember Jeff the mask? And drunk Tim? And He Who Must Not Be Named? And all the stupid, childish, man-bitchery of this past season? Yeah, I didn't want to, either. And the next day: Ashley makes her all-important FINAL CHOICE. Oh, and she calls her tatted-up, extreme cuponing sister a bitch. Dramaz abound! Stay tuned.

And updated to add: An old friend and one of my loyal readers, also named Ashley, sent me this link showing the hidden connections between Disney classics and the Bachelorette. Totally worth watching, if just to hear JP's voice coming from the Beast's mouth.