Sunday, September 9, 2012

Emily Episode 11: Twooo Wuuuv

It's the episode we've all been waiting for! Emily's down to two of these doofuses, and she's going to decide which one will be her TRUE LOVE and which one will be the next Bachelor, and then Emily and her Chosen One will ride off into the sunset and get married and have a vanfull of babies, probably, and we won't have to watch this crap anymore. I admit that I watched most of this episode while doing more interesting stuff, like reading funny things on the internet, or shopping, or eating soup, or cutting my toenails. 

So Jef meets Emily's family, and they luuurve him. Sure, they ask him a bunch of so-called 'tough questions', but after a little bit of him yammering about how much he loves Emily, they pretty much eat him up with a spoon. Which you would think would make things pretty hard on poor Arie, but whaddayaknow, the Maynards just luuuuv Arie, too. Dad bestows his blessing on both dudes when they ask for Emily's hand. Fat lot of good these people are. So much for helping Emily make a decision or anything. (I should point out that this happens every season. Where's the season where the girl's family is like, no way, don't marry this dude, and then she picks him anyway? Now that would be interesting.)

Anyway, the family is entirely unhelpful in their universal praise, but Dad does say that he thinks it's impossible to be in love with two people at once. Emily looks perplexed. 

Then it's time for a 'last chance date' on the beach with Jef, where Emily deliberates for approximately half my life about whether or not to introduce her daughter to Jef. FINALLY she decides that Jef is worthy of being allowed in the presence of The Child, so they go to some pool, or something, and there's Ricki! And the woman who is actually taking care of Ricki while Emily dates men from TV. 

Jef and Ricki play in the pool. Jef is damn near beside himself with glee. It is SO COOL. To ACTUALLY MEET RICKI. Ricki does not appear repulsed by Jef, so the date is deemed a success. 

Later, Ricki goes back to the babysitter, and it's Jef's last-ditch chance to convince Emily that she loves him more than her other boyfriend. They sit on the couch and have nice chaste Mormon kisses, and then he gives her a gift. It is...a travel book! About Curacao? That he just purchased online a couple days ago, because he gets free two-day shipping with Amazon Prime. Really, Jef?

It should be noted that the two remaining suitors always give the lead gifts on their last date, and usually they are waaay better than this. Like, handcrafted albums, or a board game representing their relationship, or a doll crafted from the lead's hair. Jef's travel-book gift indicates one of two things: 1. He is convinced he already has this in the bag, or 2. Jef sucks at crafts. 

So now it's the next morning, and Emily is all thinkyface, and she decides that her dad was right, and you can only be in love with one person at a time, and since she's already introduced her daughter to Jef it must be him. That means Arie is getting dumped. This is not going to be pretty. 

We see Arie walking towards the botanical gardens where he thinks he's having a last-chance date with Emily, but ominous music is playing like he's going to be KILLED. Which would be one way to handle this conversation. But instead of killing him quickly they are going to have him make some stupid 'love potion' from herbs and shit. This is just cruel. Arie thinks Emily loves him and they're getting engaged. Noo, Arie! NOOOOO. 

So then Emily comes, in a black SUV, BLACK like the color of death, and misery, and Emily kinda looks like somebody just died, but I guess Arie doesn't notice because he's all wrapped up in his love potion, and they make small talk for a while, and then Emily's like, oh, yeah, hey, I'm dumping you. And then they sit on a bench, and Emily cries, and Arie looks kind of like, um, wtf?, and Emily keeps telling him that she totally thought he was the one, and now she totally doesn't, and she doesn't really know what happened. So then Arie gets up to leave, because he's kinda pissed, like you would be, and Emily's ticked off that he doesn't want to sit around and wait for the end of her non-explanation. In the SUV of shame (is this the same SUV Emily came in on? Is she now stranded at the love potion garden?), Arie feels stupid, and naive, and sad. He can't believe it's ending like this. Poor Arie. At least now he can go back to getting paid lots of money to drive cars in a circle.

Later! Emily waits for Jef, in a place apparently called 'village square', looking almost exactly like my peaches n' cream Barbie. Jef arrives. He tells Emily he loves her. He proposes with a rock the size of my head. She says yes! They kiss. Jef is happy. Emily is happy. Everyone is happy, but I am the happiest of all because this thing is OVER. Thanks for reading, everyone! You're the best. Please accept this rose.

Emily Episode 10: In Which the Men Tell All

It's the Men Tell All! The Men Tell All, as some of you know, is a combination talk show/clip show where all of Emily's rejected suitors come back to haunt us once more. The purpose of this episode is to convince us that all of these people really are as delusional as we remember. And that we want to watch the crapfest that is Bachelor Pad. 

First up! Emily talks to Chris Harrison, and gives him some INSIGHTFUL INSIGHTS into her relationships with some of these douchebags. I skipped most of this, electing to ration my sanity for the long slog ahead, but I did tune back in for the part where Emily had a SERIOUS MISHAP with some wine on the Greenbriar date with manic Joe. Which involved: her spilling a tiny bit of wine on her dress. White wine. On a dark pink dress. But somehow, despite its daring brush with dress-death, the beautiful pink dress survived. Somewhere, a tiny violin plays a sad, sad, song. 

Bachelor Pad promo! Bachelor Bad 3, we are promised, will be bigger, badder, and more of a crime against humanity than ever. Everyone makes out with everyone! Everyone cries. Lather, rinse, repeat. Oh, and Lindzi (Bachelor Ben's runner-up, for those of us whose memories are mercifully short) is with "Kalon"? That seems like a bad call. It looks totally terrible, by which I mean: I will be watching. 

Oh, and lest I forget - there's going to be a spelling bee. A freaking spelling bee. Which, it appears, will be judged by precocious 12-year-olds. Someone on the ABC production team has a finely-developed sense of irony, and I love them. 

Look, the dudes are here! Everyone boos "Kalon", because he's an asshole, but they cheer for puffy hair Ryan, because he's an asshole but he's really hot. And Sean poses like he's on the front cover of a romance novel. 

Now it's time for the Drama and Catfighting remembrance montage! Stevie, aka DJ 90s, and "Kalon" have the stupidest fight ever. Single dad Doug and drunkeye Chris have the second stupidest fight ever. I cannot believe I am watching this again. 

Oh look, Chris and Doug are re-hashing their stupid fight, right in front of us! Words fail me to describe how I feel about this. Oh wait: I've thought of a couple. Kill me. 

Then everyone talks about how everybody hated Ryan. Or something. John WOLF thinks that Ryan put himself above the other guys in the house, but John's position is weakened significantly by the fact that he is wearing pink pants. "Kalon" has no problem with Ryan being arrogant. At least he's consistent. 

Talk turns to how "Kalon" arrived in a helicopter, and how everyone hated him for that, and his argument is something like, hey, this is totally different from the real world, it's a different game, which is kind of true, but I'm just distracted by the fact that I still want to punch "Kalon" in the face every time he opens his mouth. Chris wants to punch "Kalon", too. You can see an angry red glow flickering in his drunk eyes. Then we are subjected to a special "Kalon" montage, which I skip because I do not want to be filled with rage. 

Afterwards! "Kalon" is in the hot seat, and Chris Harrison, master interviewer, badgers him about why he came on the show if he already knew Emily had a child, and "Kalon" tells him some bullshit, when really we all know the answer to this question is: "to become famous for being a huge asshole". Then they discuss the infamous BAGGAGE comment, which was probably the EVILEST THING EVER TO BE SAID, EVER, and then Chris Harrison tells "Kalon" that he hopes he learned something, but he's saying this to a man who signed up to be on Bachelor Pad, so probably he did not learning anything at all.

Next up! Ryan, who has cut his facial hair into the most evil shape possible for this special occasion. Ryan won't take anything back. He's not arrogant - he's just confident! So Chris Harrison continues to badger Ryan, because he is like, supposed to be the bad guy, but Ryan actually has some good answers and I'm reminded of how I begrudgingly liked Ryan because he was the only one on the show who bothered to actually flirt with Emily, instead of just blowing smoke up her butt. Chris gives Ryan crap about his devious plans to become the next bachelor, and then assures us, like a smarmy asshole, that Ryan will definitely not be the next bachelor, probably because he is interesting and shows signs of having a personality, which is something they really try to steer away from with this program. 

Drunkeye Chris montage! Remind me again why this show is two hours long? Chris was really, really in love with Emily. He was in love with her 110%, because his love goes to 11. That's why he acted so crazy and got all angry and shit. CH: Do you anger easily? Drunkeye: "When there's something in the world I believe in, I will do anything to fight for it." Like being in the front of the line at the grocery store, or getting the last Klondike bar. Life is short, man. That's why Chris is filled with rage. What will Chris be doing next? "Bachelor pad is an unbelievable experience, and I hope everyone tunes in to watch. Because it is unbelievable." Chris is not good with adjectives. Although I 100% believe Bachelor Pad will be unbelievable, as in "I cannot believe this is happening."

Now Pink Sean! The women in the audience, they cheer and they cheer and they cheer, until they begin to tire and the ABC intern puts down the "loud cheers" card. Sean montage! Don't care. Chris talks to Sean, all serious-like, like he might have post-traumatic love disorder and needs to be handled with kid gloves. Sean totally fell in love with Emily. She taught him that he could fall in love! And he has learned so much! He's a better man now. He wants to find love so badly. On...the next season of the Bachelor? Wait, I thought that was gonna be hot Roberto? ABC, you mark my words, if you make Sean the bachelor, I am out. He may be pretty, but he is duuuull. He is the male Emily. This is not a good thing. 

Now EMILY is BACK to FACE the men whose HEARTS she BROKE! Sean and Emily have a conversation. He thanks her for dumping him. He Learned So Much. Then drunkeye Chris also thanks Emily for dumping him, because being dumped by Emily is an amazing experience, like being kicked by a baby unicorn. 

Then it's "Kalon"'s turn, and he apologizes, kind of, and Emily calls it "the biggest load of crap I've ever heard". Like, I guess she could've said something like "thank you", and moved on, but that would be impossible because like, two days ago, "Kalon" made a post on twitter with a picture of a baggage claim with the caption "thought for sure I'd see Emily Maynard here." Don't worry, I still hate "Kalon" - but that is actually pretty funny. But Emily doesn't think it's funny AT ALL, and she's all like, BOOYAH, and all "Kalon" can come up with is, "I'm flattered you follow me on twitter?"

It is the best line of the night. 

Tune in next week to see who Emily picks to be her life-long love! At least for the next several months. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Emily Episode 9: Arie the Makeout King

Fantasy dates! ABC would like us to pretend that this episode is about Emily and the remaining Bachelors like, cementing their love, but really we all just think of it as that episode where they maybe have sex. 

First up is pink Sean, who is the one guy who hasn't yet told Emily that he loves her, like get with the program, Sean. They get into a helicopter to go to their VERY OWN PRIVATE ISLAND, like you do, you know, on your third date, but Emily keeps making these bizarre, awkward faces at Sean so I'm not buying that it's some great love story. "It looks amazing," says Sean, as they're about to touch down. Emily looks indifferent. 

"Today, Sean and I are going to an island in the middle of the ocean," Emily offers helpfully. Islands? Islands are in the ocean? WHO KNEW. 

Emily and Sean talk about one of Sean's past girlfriends, who he apparently treated like a "buddy" because he knew he didn't want to marry her but was too much of a wimp to break up with her. Way to go, Sean. Emily wants to know if Sean is always like this with girls, and he says that it's totally different with her. They sit on the beach and chat, and it's gorgeous, and Sean is super excited to be there, and Emily responds limply, because he STILL hasn't told her that he loves her, and her other two boyfriends TOTALLY HAVE. This is getting old fast. 

Romantic dinner on the beach! Look, Sean has written a letter. It's for Ricki, all about how he wants to be as good a father to her as his dad was to him, and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with Ricki and her mom. "Thank you for that," says Emily, which is maybe not quite the response Sean was looking for to "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"You represent everything that I feel like, not just me but everybody, looks for in a husband and a dad," says Emily. Oooouch. This reminds me of something from the line of unromantic Valentine's day cards one of my friends wanted to make: "This Valentine's Day, any man would be lucky to have you."

Seriously, mark my words. Sean is doomed. 

But Sean doesn't seem to realize this, and he just goes on glibly about how much his family loved Emily, and I'm like, noooo Sean, noooo!!, and Emily's like, "thank you," which, I've noticed, is what Emily says when she's Just Not That Into You. Oblivious to all this, Sean finally works up the guts for the Big Confession. "I have fallen in love with you," says Sean, which means he's still two rungs below Arie on the Bachelor love scale, but that's good enough for Emily, I guess, because she declares herself 'so happy', and they engage in some tentative making out. So of course that's when Emily pulls out the FANTASY SUITE CARD, which comes, awkwardly, from Chris Harrison, like it does every season, and goes something like this:

"Dear Emily and Sean,

Welcome to the beautiful island of Curacao. I hope you're enjoying your stay. Should you choose to forego your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Where you are free to TOTALLY GET IT ON. Or not. But if you don't, please engage in enough foreplay to allow our viewers some wild speculation. 


Sean accepts the fantasy suite card. He wants to stay up all night with Emily. To TALK. Uh-huh. Sure. So they go to the fantasy suite, and kiss in a hot tub, you know, the usual. But then! Emily kicks Sean out for the night. She has already gotten to know him well enough, apparently. She doesn't want to set a bad example for Ricki. Sean walks away into the dark, a little chagrined, while somewhere a producer scrambles to come up with one of these so-called 'individual rooms'.

Next up is Anthony Michael Jef. His date is on a boat. Sorry Sean, but this is going waaay better than your date did. Emily and Jef get each other. They balance each other out. They jump off of things together. They make out on beaches. They make out on a boat. Emily is so happy. Jef thinks Emily is amazing and beautiful and special and that her farts that smell like a Glade plug-in. I can't help wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. Usually evil genius Fleiss doesn't like things to be too obvious at this point. Or maybe he's getting soft in his old age. 

At dinner, it is time for Jef to ask some hard-hitting questions. Like: if we wind up together, where do you wanna live? Emily's willing to move to Salt Lake City. Jef's cool with that. Next question! Why hasn't it worked out with the guys you dated in the past? Emily thinks that all the guys she's dated in the past were great (except for Brad, who was a total lunkhead), but they just didn't have it. With Jef, she has it. He makes her laugh. He makes her feel like she wants to be a better man. "Thank you," says Jef. 

Has anybody noticed that's a weird turning of the tables here? Usually, on these dates, it's Emily who's asking the questions. Here, it's just the opposite. Emily tells Jef that when she imagines one of her swains being part of her life with Ricki, he's the one she pictures. Now I'm REALLY waiting for something terrible to happen. 

So then the fantasy suite card comes, and Jef is maybe the first person in the history of the Bachelor ever to turn down the fantasy suite. He wants to spend more time with Emily, but little Ricki is watching, and his family is watching, and he doesn't think it would be appropriate. But! Since the night is still young, Emily and Jef are just gonna go hang out in the fantasy suite. Now that they've made it abundantly clear to everyone they're not having sex. 

They go to the fantasy suite and sit on a couch and kiss like they're high-schoolers waiting for their parents to walk back in the room. Then Emily gives Jef the speech, already respect you so much, a few extra hours together is not going to make a difference in my decision, blah blah. It's all very chaste and above board. I kind of miss the hot tubs and curtains billowing and doors closing suggestively. I am terrible. 

And here's Arie! The theme of Emily and Arie's interactions, apparently, is that they're so attracted to each other that all they do when they're together is make out, passionately, all the time. But the Bachelor producers have realized, wisely, that we would rather not watch these two kids suck face for another 45 minutes, so after a while they pry Emily and Arie apart and make them go...swimming with dolphins! Emily is scared of dolphins. Arie is totally cool with the dolphins, which Emily sees as an indicator that he would make a good dad. Which would be totally accurate, I think, if Ricki were a dolphin. 

And then they make out some more. 

Dinnertime! Emily tells Arie she would be happy to move to Scottsdale, but she doesn't seems as jazzed as she does with Jef. I'm already predicting a Jef win, but then! In a totally unprecedented move, Emily doesn't even give Arie the fantasy suite card, because apparently he is so smokin hot that she doesn't trust herself to keep it under control and kick him out after a few hours for decency's sake. Is this producer machinations, or Emily trying to keep her inner wild woman under control? 

Arie is disappointed, but he rallies enough to make out with Emily in front of the restaurant for a while. It is pretty hot. I can't helping thinking this is a missed opportunity. Think of what this man could do in a hot tub, Emily! Think of it! 

But she doesn't, and then everyone goes home sad. 

Deliberation time! Emily is in love with 3 men, or something. She has got her game face and her clip-in ponytail on. It is time for a heart-to-heart chat with Chris. In the flickering glow of these improbably large lanterns, maybe Emily can find some inner peace. 

Emily talks to Chris. Emily watches video messages from the dudes. Emily cries. She doesn't want to hurt anyone. It's true - this is a horrible idea. You should probably only date one guy at a time, to space the heartbreak out as much as possible. But unfortunately, a girl dating one guy at a time would make a pretty boring-ass TV show. 

Rose ceremony time! Roses go to:


Wait. Where's Chris? Is this the last rose? WHO WILL TELL ME IF THIS IS THE LAST ROSE?

A million sad tiny violins play as Emily deliberates between Sean and Arie. And it's...Arie!! So much for Sean and Emily's beautiful boring blond children. 

Emily walks Sean out. He is hurt, he says, but he knows that Emily has to do what's best for her. It's a beautiful performance. Sean is a beautiful man. I'm guessing that somewhere in the bustling metropolis of Dallas, Texas are hundreds of women waiting to assuage his grief. 

Next week! The worthless clip show they call 'The Men Tell All', but which they should call "You Have Already Forgotten About All These Douchebags Already." The week after that! Emily finally chooses one of the two remaining bohunks to be her forever love, and this shit is over. But wait...are the ABC teasers trying to lead us to believe that Emily chooses NO ONE? Or maybe...maybe she decides that BRAD is the one for her, after all, and they ride off into the sunset together, and then Arie and Jeff also ride off into the sunset together. 

So now pretty much any ending they come up with will be a disappointment compared to that. But! Tune in anyway. I can't do this alone. 

Emily Episode 8: Meet the Parents.

Yay! It's that week of the Bachelorette where we get to meet everyone's families, and ABC tries to make them look totally insane. 

Hometown #1: My Big Fat Polish Wedding, with Drunkeye Chris

Emily and Chris meet up in Chicago, where these two numbskulls have some really arresting conversations. Such as:

Emily: I'm so excited to be here! I'm really happy. 

Chris: I'm glad you're excited. I'm glad you're happy. I'm very very very happy. 

Emily: Yeah?

People, the producers cut about eight hours of footage down into fifteen minutes for this date, and THIS IS THE BEST THEY CAME UP WITH. 

These are the most boring people on earth. 

Oh look! Here's something kind of interesting about Chris, which is that he is a first generation Polish American, and everyone in his family speaks Polish. On a scale of 1 to Polish, they are an 11. What the producers imagine to be Polish music plays as Chris and Emily go to a Polish bar, I guess, although it kinda just looks like a bar to me, and then they get beers and Emily says they should probably toast, so Chris toasts to "a good day" and they're pretty much back to being really boring again. They discuss drunkeye's near mental breakdown of last week, which Emily thought was 'so sweet'. 

Then they drive to some place called 'Hanover Park', like where the hell is that, and Chris says that his parents are gonna be pumped to meet "their future daughter-in-law". Or else they will be deeply embarassed to see this episode on TV after their son has been publicly rejected. That's also a possiblity. But this show is built on a foundation of false hopes and broken dreams, so we soldier on. 

Emily meets Chris' family, and everyone is so happy and honored, and platitudes are exchanged, and then they all sit down to eat, last-supper style, like I guess this show has maybe just given up the pretense that any of this is normal and they're okay showing these people sitting on only one side of a table like a bunch of weirdos. 

After a meal, during which absolutely nothing interesting is said and absolutely nobody eats anything, Chris' dad pulls Emily aside. She wants to know if he thinks Chris is ready to be a dad. What matters, says dad, is that you love and support each other. Reading between his lines, I think he is saying this: don't look for someone to be an insta-dad. Look for someone who loves and appreciates you, and the rest will fall into place. Amen, dad. I couldn't agree more. The hometown dates are always a little refreshing, and also surreal, because you remember once again what normal people sound like. 

Then Emily says something to dad in Bachelor-speak, like, " I think I may be falling in love with Chris" but dad does not speak Bachelor, so he reports back to Chris and is like, dude, she's in love with you, and Chris is like SHE'S IN LOVE WITH ME and is totally floored. This will not end well. 

Hometown Date #2: My Big Fat Mormon Wedding with Anthony Michael Jef

Next up is Jef. His parents are not here to meet Emily, because they are off doing Mormon-y things, I think, but that is more than made up for by the fact that Jef's family owns their own ranch, which probably means they are ludicrously wealthy. Jef fires a gun and shoots some clay pigeons, and he hits them all, even in his skinny jeans, and then Emily fires the gun, and she pretends not to know what she's doing but she ALSO hits all the clay pigeons, because she is secretly awesome at guns (which makes me like her a tiny bit more) and then Emily and Jef tell each other how wonderful they are for a while. 

Then Emily meet's Jef's family, and there are like, a billion of them, and they all claim to be 'skeptical' at first, but then Emily charms them with her tiny blond ways and they are totally okay with their brother marrying a girl he met on television. 

Later, Emily and Jef are alone, and he reads her a letter her wrote, that ends with "most of all, I'm completely and hopelessly in love with you," Emily calls it "the sweetest thing anybody has ever, ever said to me", and then they make out, and I'm thinking this is gonna be a tough one to beat. 

Hometown Date #3: My Big Fat Dutch Indycar Racing Wedding with Race Car Arie

Emily meets Arie at the race track, and he shows her how he drives a car around in a circle and gets paid lots and lots of money. Emily is turned on by that, because she has dated lots of men who drive cars in circles for a living. It's kind of her thing. Later, Arie warns Emily that his mom will be a tough nut to crack. 

They meet the family, and everyone's speaking Dutch, and Emily's all like, OH NOES THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ME, and I'm like, Arie speaks dutch? Because that is hella sexy. At first it seems like Arie's family will be the one to be like, no, don't marry this girl from TV who already has three boyfriends, but alas, it is not meant to be. Emily talks to mom, Arie talks to dad, everyone who was once skeptical is totally convinced, everyone loves Emily. The usual. Arie sees Emily off and says he is DEFINITELY going to marry her, like maybe he doesn't really understand how this show works. 

Hometown Date #4: My Big Fat Texas Wedding with Pink Sean and his Crazy Practical Jokes

Then there's a hometown date in Dallas, with pink Sean, and they go to white rock lake, and then to his parents' house, which is freakishly huge. Seriously, Sean's neice, Kensington, has a playhouse in the backyard that is bigger than my house. Taking in Sean's freakishly huge muscles and his parents' freakishly huge house and his freakishly perfect family, Emily thinks everything is perfect. She uses the word 'perfect' about 45 times. But! Sean also has a SECRET. He lives at home with his parents. 

They go upstairs to Sean's room, which is a giant mess and is covered in stuffed animals and half-eaten cookies. Adorably, Sean introduces them by name (the animals, not the cookies), and Emily is like, "oh, so cute", but in talking head later she is like WTF NOT OKAY. "He's a mess. And he's really into stuffed animals."  

Really, really into stuffed animals. 

But then it is revealed that the whole thing is just a big funny joke! Sean does not REALLY live at home with his parents. It's a joke, get it? Hahaha? Emily does not seem amused. Maybe she's thinking, like I am, about how the ABC interns did a really good job with the staging of Sean's fake room. Extra points for the golf clubs. I think that's what really sold it. 

Anyway, there's some more of Sean's date, but probably nothing interesting happened, or at least nothing I can remember. Sorry guys, I try really hard, I do, but I've been watching the Bachelorette a whole hell of a lot lately and I'm starting to worry about what it's going to do to me. Anyway, Sean's date is over, and they kiss, and he says goodbye to Emily, and her black SUV drives away, and then Sean decides that he just HAS to kiss her again, so he RUNS after the SUV, and I guess the ABC cameraman runs too, and MIRACULOUSLY Sean catches the car, because of the SUPERHUMAN POWER OF HIS LOVE, and then they kiss again. Vomit. 

It's all over! Maybe Emily and Chris talked for a while about how she doesn't want to hurt anyone. I think I kind of tuned that out. Fact is, unless Emily wants to marry four dudes (which would be an entirely different, and probably much better, show), someone is going home. 

Emily gives a speech. Blah blah, heart being torn in four different directions, blah blah. Some of those directions are better than others. Emily would like to go in the direction of...

Jef, aaaaand...


So Chris is goin home, but not before Emily has to try to explain to him why she dumped him. This is not gonna be pretty. 

They go outside and sit on a bench. Chris is pissed. This is hella awkward. Chris demands an explanation, and Emily mumbles something about how their relationship wasn't moving fast enough, and Chris is like, WTF, I told you I LOVED you, how much freaking faster can you get, so finally Emily tells him the real reason she's breaking up with him, which is something like, "I just felt like I had a deeper connection with the others." AKA: It's not that I'm not happy with our relationship. I just like my other boyfriends better. 

But I don't think Chris is too too broken up about this. In fact, I hear he's moving right along to the cesspool that is Bachelor Pad, where his perpetually drunk eyes and command of the Polish language will surely stand him in good stead. 

Next week! FANTASY DATES. Finally, we may get some hot tubs. Finally. 

Emily Episode 7: Beauty and the Beasts

Firstly: I am sorry everyone, deeply sorry, for making you wait so long for these recaps. I was in Europe, life intervened and shit. But now! There is This recap, and then TWO MORE coming quickly on its heels. I do it for the fans. 

The online version of the Bachelorette is brought to you by Lay's, which, if you think about it, is completely appropriate, since both Lay's potato chips and this show are bland, crappy, and somehow totally addictive. This week Emily and her stable of stallions head to PRAGUE, which is the most romantic place on Earth, except for the place they went the week before this, and the week before that. Also! I would also like to point out that I uniquely positioned to recap this week's episode, having just returned from a vacation to Prague myself. Kendra and I spent a whole two and a half days there, seeing the sights and drinking copiously, so I am practically a native. 

Add Prague to the list of harsh locales where Emily has to schlep her own suitcases. 

This week, explains Chris, there will be THREE one-on-one dates, and a group date. WHOA CRAZY. Also, no roses on the one-on-one dates, so the dudes can concentrate on getting to know Emily and begging her to meet their families so ABC can portray them in the worst possible light. The first date one-on-one date goes to race car Arie. But this is not just any date. Emily knows something about Arie. Arie has a SECRET. 

Arie doesn't know that Emily knows that he dated Cassie, one of the producers (and Emily's BFF?) like a million years ago. On the Charles bridge, they rub a relief of a dog, which is supposed to represent loyalty. Emily thinks Arie should rub the dog twice because maybe it will cure him of being full of secrets

But wait - now we're at the bachelor mansion! In LA! With Chris Harrison! Whatcha wha? I think it's a very special part of the show called 'This Explanatory Segment Was Clearly Filmed After the Wrapping of the Rest of the Season". Cassie, the producer, Chris explains, had a very brief past relationship with Arie, which she 'took it upon herself' to tell Emily about. Wait, who are these 'producers' you speak of? I thought Emily picked out the locations and planned all these dates and schlepped her suitcase all over Prague? No? It's weird to me that we're supposed to pretend the producers don't exist, until something EXTRA SUPER DRAMATIC happens with one of them, in which case we're supposed to be SHOCKED. Also, this is the weirdest narrative device ever. Last time I checked, this was a reality SHOW, not a reality TELL. So why are we getting the Chris Harrison condensed version of everything?

Cut to Emily taking to Cassie. She doesn't mind at all, except that she feels like an IDIOT because nobody told her until now about Arie and Cassie's SECRET PAST. Emily kind of seems like one of those people who is super nice until all of a sudden they are SUPER MAD. People like that scare me. 

Then there is this totally hilarious segment where Emily's at lunch with Arie, and the whole time she's trying to trick him into coming clean. "Do you feel like you're really open with me? Like, really, really open? I like relationships where there are NO SECRETS." Arie starts to get a little worried, so he tells Emily the secretest thing he can think of: he once had a tattoo of an old girlfriend's name, but he had it covered up. Emily's like, "that's interesting," but her eyes are saying, NO. WRONG. 

Back to the Bachelor mansion! With Chris Harrison! Apparently Arie, Emily, and Cassie had a big pow-wow about this, which, unfortunately, took place off camera. Wait, these people have interactions off camera? In this conveniently non-filmed conversation, Arie explained to Emily that he didn't tell her about the past relationship because he didn't think it was that big of a deal, and Emily agreed that it wasn't that big of a deal. So, basically...ABC, who has spent a few weeks teasing the showdown between Arie and Emily, and how it's going to be a HUGE HUGE DEAL, is now hastening to assure us that it's really not a big deal at all. Wait, what? 

Back at the hotel! A new date card arrives. Several of the men announced their intention to jump off a building if their name is not on it. The date card is for John WOLF. This is huge, says the wolf. Huge. Drunkeye Chris says not having gotten a one-on-one yet is "killing him inside". Being cooped up in a hotel room all day with five other meatheads is starting to break him. 

Back on the date! Mysteriously, night has fallen. Mysteriously, Emily and Arie are now on a boat. Did the conversation where they decided that the thing that was a HUGE BIG DEAL is not a big deal at all take like, four hours? And the ABC cameraman managed to miss the whole thing? I'm calling shenanigans. There's something going on here that we're not being told. And I'm really hurt because the most important thing about my relationship with this show is that there be NO SECRETS. 

But whatever the hell it was, Emily and Arie are bouncing back fast. Arie tells Emily that he loves her. Not any of the bizarre constructions that precede a confession of love in the Bachelor-verse. Not "I'm in love with you", not "I think I'm falling in love with you"...just straight-up "I love you". A bold move, race car. We'll see if this pays off. "Mmm," says Emily. It is the only response her contract will allow. 

Emily says that hearing Arie tell her that he loves her so early in the game "makes me believe in all of this". Wait. You're glad a man told you he loved you...because it makes you believe that it is possible to find love on a crappy reality tv show? Things are not looking good for Arie. 

The boat date ends with a surprise...fireworks! Arie's like "huh. cool," but he doesn't seem all that impressed because I guess all his dates on the roofs of boats in Prague end with fireworks. That's life in the fast lane. (See what I did there?)

Now it's time for a date with John WOLF. Emily and the WOLF spend a ton of time talking about how important it is that they get to know each other better, instead of actually getting to know each other better. John WOLF admits he may be a little closed off. He has a "hard shell", but that's only so his warm chocolatey center will melt in your mouth and not in your hand. 

Then they go to the Lenin Wall. It's a place where, under Communism, people painted messages to show their support for subversive music and rock n' roll and freedom. And now, I guess, they are totally okay with random reality TV stars painting all over it. Emily and John want to paint something that is important to them, but it is difficult to paint a picture of B-list celebrity, so instead they draw a boat.

"I think we did a great job," says Emily, even though their "boat" kind of looks like a shoe. An ugly shoe.

Oh look, another nearly meaningless love talisman! This time, it's a fence that people lock padlocks to, to symbolize the staying power of their love. I keep seeing things like this on pinterest, and I think it's a massive conspiracy on the part of the padlock makers. They must be making a killing. Emily explains all this to John WOLF, looking mildly unenthused about the locks, the date, everything. I've noticed that things of this sort (Joe's love clock, egg Travis and the balancing stone) seem to mostly backfire. Sure enough, John WOLF can't get the lock to close. Emily thinks it's a sign. I think it's a sign that he can't draw a boat. 

Now Emily and John are on the way to dinner in a candlelit dungeon somewhere, as you do. The conversation between these two is really scintillating. 

John: How beautiful is that church?
Emily: Right?


Emily is nervous that John is kinda boring isn't willing to open himself up to LOVE. Fortunately, she has picked the perfect setting. There's nothing like a dungeon to put you at ease. 

John reveals to Emily that he moves a little slowly because his last girlfriend cheated on him. John is totally patting himself on the back for OPENING UP, and Emily claims to like it, but they're still sitting  about a million feet apart. Finally, John leans over the acres of sofa in between them for an awkward kiss. Ah, love.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel: Chris' head is going to explode if he doesn't get another one-on-one date. Not spending time with Emily, he says, is 'brutal', conveniently ignoring the fact that Sean, John, and Doug have all had only one one-on-one date and are still maintaining some semblance of sanity. 

Doorbell! Date card! If it's a one-on-one, says Anthony Michael Jef, then we'll know the people who are going on the group date

And vice versa, replies pink Sean. Encyclopedia Brown has nothing on this cadre of boy sleuths. 

The date card is for pink Sean, single dad Doug, and...Chris. Who is DYING INSIDE. Just right then, to twist the knife a little, John comes back from his date and tells the bros that on a scale of 1 to 10, he'd rate his date as SUPER DUPER AWESOME. Chris teeters on the brink of madness. 

Suddenly, out of the Sean decides that he MUST SEE EMILY. He does not know where she is, but he will find her. ON THE STREETS OF PRAGUE. SOMEWHERE. SOMEHOW. He RUNS, and he RUNS, and he CALLS HER NAME, but Sean is a crappy actor so really it's more like he ambles around at a slightly-faster-than-walking gait and calls out "Emily" in sort of a half-hearted way. Spontaneity fail. 

Finally, HE FINDS HER, just kinda chillin in a passageway, because I guess in addition to being forced to carry her own suitcases, Emily also has to walk home from dates alone. "Hey", says Emily, totally not surprised. "This is a nice surprise!" So then they go to a restaurant, which just HAPPENS to be open even thought there are no other customers, like maybe they kept it open past closing time with the POWER OF THEIR LOVE, and then they make out and Sean talks about how much he wants to marry Emily, and then they go outside and make out some more, and Sean presses Emily up against a wall and kisses her passionately, but none of the viewers are impressed because Arie totally already did that last week. 

Then! It is time for the group date, and they're gonna RIDE A CARRIAGE, because isn't that something every guy dreams of? Riding in a carriage with two other dudes? Then they go to a castle, and everybody says a bunch of bullshit about how nice everyone else is, and it's so damn boring and I wish someone would just like, jump out of a helicopter or go ziplining or SOMETHING. Then Emily pulls Doug aside, and it's still boring, and they yammer on about wanting to get to know each other, without saying anything that will actually enable them to get to know each other, and without like, touching each other. At all. At this point, pretty much everybody else has shoved Emily against a while while passionately kissing her, so Doug is waaay behind. 

So then Emily takes Doug outside, IN THE RAIN, and she's trying to break up with him for like, not touching her ever, but HE's thinking this is finally the huge, obviously, completely non-ignorable COME KISS ME YOU BIG DUMMY signal he's been waiting for all along, and he smooches her, while she is breaking up with him, and I think how people are hilarious and funny and awkward, and this is why I watch this show, not some bullshit about carriages and castles and getting to know you. 

"Thank you for that", says Emily, and then she keeps breaking up with him. This woman is ruthless

Doug boards the minivan of shame. He is bummed out. Emily stands in the rain and brushes away a few imaginary tears. Back to the party! Where Emily hands the surviving bachelors two keys, one of which will open the door to a special room for a one-on-one chat with her. Whose key opens the door? Definitely not Chris'. So Emily and pink Sean have a chat and are boring and blonde together while drunkeye Chris paces the roof and creeps closer and closer to the pits of insanity. 

Finally Chris gets his coveted alone time with Emily, which is a perfect opportunity for him to act like a little bitch. He demands to know why Emily hasn't given him a one-on-one since like, four weeks ago, and she says something like, "you always make the best of things, and I love that about you", but this is bullshit and even Emily doesn't appear to believe it. Chris goes in to kiss her and she leans back so far she nearly falls of the back of the sofa. Clearly, Chris has made a grave error. He should know by now that the only acceptable subject for conversations with Emily is how wonderful Emily is. 

Back together with her two swains, Emily rushes through her canned pre-rose speech before handing the date rose to Sean, to the surprise of absolutely no one. Except Chris. Who looks like he's going to murder someone. "Hey Chris" says Emily - "there was only one rose, so don't like, take it personally. Except for the part where I totally picked that other guy over you."

Chris is going to lose his mind. 

So then the bros sit around in the hotel room and talk about their chances with Emily, or something, and I want to drink an entire bottle of tequila like SWEET HEAVENS WHY IS THIS SHOW TWO HOURS LONG. WHYYYYY. 

For those of you not possessed of Sean's wonderfully incisive skills of deductive reasoning, the last one-on-one date is going to Anthony Michael Jef. Emily comes to pick him up, and he is wearing like, skinny jeans, and white sneakers, and an untucked plaid shirt, and his hair five inches high, and looks like some kind of middle-aged hipster lumberjack Justin Beiber. Yeah, like, imagine all that, and then imagine it worse, and that's what Jef's wearing. Good gosh, Jef, I thought I liked you. I need to drink more while watching this show. 

Chris voiceovers something totally insane, like I guess that's pretty much all Chris does now. Followed by the black cloud of Chris' jealousy, Emily head over to some kind of marionette shop, where Jef makes a Michael Jackson marionette do a pretty good approximation of moonwalking, which I think means he is TOTALLY READY TO BE A DAD. Then Emily and Jef buy puppets that are supposed to like, represent themselves, like that's not weird at all, and then Jef goes back to the shop and picks up ANOTHER TINY PUPPET. FOR RICKI. 

And that is how you do it.

Then these two doofuses just like, 'find their way' into this gorgeous library, which looks just like the one from the greatest Disney movie of all time, and they decide to desecrate it by re-enacting their relationship, in puppet form. The puppet Bachelorette is even more painful to watch than the live-action version, if that were possible. Also, puppet-Jef has mismatched pantaloons and a moustache (which is very pretentious hipster puppet) but no skateboard (which is disappointing). "This whole thing has blown my wildest dreams out of the water," says real Jef, through the medium of puppet Jef, mixing about seventeen different metaphors. Does anyone else find it deeply weird that Jef can only express his feelings to Emily when talking to her through a wooden doll? It's like that episode of Sex and the City where Miranda's boyfriend told her he loved her on a cookie.

Emily talks to Jef about meeting his family. He once broke up with a girl because his family didn't like her. Ruh-roh. 

Back at the hotel! Chris' mental breakdown continues. He's worried that he screwed up his alone time with Emily. Meanwhile, John WOLF gloats about his awesome date, like a big jerk. "I'd be pretty surprised if I don't get a rose," he says, taking another shot at Chris' perilously fragile sanity. 

Meanwhile! In the library at the beast's castle, Emily and Jef lay on the floor together and talk about Serious Things. Neither of them believe in living together before marriage, and Jef is totally ready for kids. "I am completely head over heels for you. I want to date you so hard marry the f*ck out of you," says Jef, because he gets all of his sweet nothings from Pinterest

Aaand...cocktail party! The rose ceremony tonight will be taking place in a creepy old mansion, which is the perfect backdrop for Chris' mental breakdown. And this shot of what I like to think of as 'godfather Jef'. Seriously, I'm getting some of those chairs for my living room. I think it will add just the right dose of obnoxious self-importance to all my interactions.

BUT! I guess ABC has wasted their money on this awesome creepy mansion, because Emily doesn't want to do a cocktail party. HER MIND IS MADE UP. I think as Chris Harrison delivers this news you can actually see Chris and his sanity parting ways. HE NEEDS TO TALK TO EMILY. John WOLF pretends to be concerned, but really he's like, "too bad, sucker! Because my date was FREAKING AWESOME." Dick. Also, I totally don't get this, because I saw John's date and it was totally lame. But, you know, whatever. 

Rose ceremony! Chris delivers his speech. One of you will be going home tonight. And it's definitely either John or Chris. 

Maybe Emily didn't want to have a rose ceremony because her dress looks like a very glamorous garbage bag. She has all her questions answered, she says. HER MIND IS MADE UP. 

Pink Sean already has a rose, that smug asshole. The other ones go to:

Anthony Michael hipster puppet Jef
race car secret relationship fake drama Arie


Drunkeye Chris shifts nervously. Seventeen billion minutes of deliberation music plays. Planets turn on their axis. Stars are born, stars die. FINALLY, drunkeye INTERRUPTS THE ROSE CEREMONY. HE NEEDS TO TALK TO EMILY. 

Chris, he tells Emily, is DYING INSIDE. Yesterday, he acted like a little man-bitch, and not a man-man. He WASTED HIS TIME WITH HER. He should not have complained when Emily clearly chose that other guy over him. He is falling in love with her. He does not want this to end. 

BACK TO THE ROSE CEREMONY. Seventeen billion MORE minutes of deliberation music plays. Emily makes this face. Thinking is not her best look.

And the rose goes to...CHRIS. A for effort, drunkeye! 

John WOLF is bummed. He's completely shocked, he's not gonna lie. But don't take it so hard, dude. There's always the never-ending bachelor-reject party circuit. And surely, somewhere out there in TV land is a woman who will be super attracted to the fact that you have nicknamed yourself WOLF. 

NEXT WEEK: Emily makes the thinking face again. She does not want to hurt anyone. WHO WILL GO HOME BROKEN-HEARTED?  

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Emily Episode 7: COMING SOON.

So I am currently in Prague, THE MOST ROMANTIC CITY ON EARTH, enjoying a little vacation and relishing the fact that I am following in the steps of Emily and Chris Harrison and the gang. It was my hope to  do my normal recap during the last week, when I was in Germany, but that did not happen, which means I'll be recapping episodes 7 AND 8 in one massive, super-awesome blog post when I return to the states. That's right: a bachelorette double header. In a word, epic.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Emily Episode 6: Putting the 'Bro' in 'Dubrovnik'

Welcome to Dubrovnik, the walled city on the shores of the Adriatic. Dubrovnik, as these good people are eager to tell us, is unbelievable and magical and the very best place to find love. It is also a strange, exotic locale where reality stars are forced to carry their own suitcases. 

Ricki has gone back to Charlotte, and Emily misses her every second of every day, which means that by now it has become an involuntary brain function. She wants to 'figure out' her relationship with the guys she has 'no clue' about, like, what, you've known these guys for three weeks and you don't already know if you want to MARRY some of them? I AM SHOCKED. 

Lots of travel shots, because the editors of this show have sworn an oath never to show us anybody doing anything interesting, ever, and are instead forced to entertain usc with footage of charming fishing boats that may or may not have been swiped from a National Geographic film. Oh wait! this charming fishing boat contains the dudes, who cannot stop gushing over how perfect Croatia is. "Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love," opines Anthony Michael Jef, like I guess they cut the footage where he was like, "well, Croatia is an okay place to fall in love, but Italy would've been better."

Travis formerly of the egg is desperate for a one-on-one date, and drunkeye Chris wants another one, that greedy bastard. Emily delivers the date card herself, like where is Chris when you need him to carry your luggage and deliver your damn mail, and it's for Travis. I kind of like Travis, despite that stupid egg stunt, because he's got a little bit of a Mississippi accent and that reminds me of my cousins, who are all good people. Also, he appears to have traces of a personality, and that is rare here. 

They like, wander around in old Dubrovnik, which I will agree is absolutely beautiful, and of course the producers have managed to find some bullshit local love talisman. This time, it is the balancing stone. If you can manage to balance on it while removing a shirt or jacket, you will be lucky in love. This according to Emily, who I swear is literally reading from a card. Travis finally manages to stand on the stupid stone, but he does not remove his shirt. Does that mean he will be UNLUCKY IN LOVE?

Travis wants to bust out of the friend zone. He asks her if she prefers the mountains or the beach. "The beach!" replies Emily. "Me too!" replies Travis. OMG THEY HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. 

Back at the villa! Or wherever the hell these guys are staying. The dudes discuss whether or not Travis is coming home. Pink Sean thinks Travis and Emily don't have anything romantic. Single dad Doug thinks Travis could totally be romantic if he wanted to. Dastardly, evil-spawn-of-satan puffy hair Ryan thinks Emily doesn't have a big enough personality for Travis. He thinks Travis needs to be with someone who has a 'funky-crazy' personality, which I think is a little someone on this show admitting that Emily is kind of boring. I know I'm not supposed to, but I sort of love Ryan right now. I wonder if Emily is going to flip out on him later and ask all the other dudes why they didn't knife him for saying that. 

Ryan goes on to say that Emily likes bad boys, and then there is something clearly taken totally out of context about how he misses the 'mean man' he used to be on the football field. The editing monkeys are lazy this week. 

Meanwhile! It is suddenly nighttime on Travis and Emily's date. "I had the best time today," says Travis. "Awwwwwwww...uh, me too!", says Emily, which is like code for "no way in hell are you getting a rose."  At dinner, it comes out that since his broken engagement, two years ago, Travis has not dated at all. TWO YEARS??  WHAT A FREAK. Emily is so shocked that she slips back into country. "Travis...whaaa?" We hear a voiceover of Travis telling us how amazing Emily is, while Emily is like, whatever. 

Back at the bro house, another date card arrives. It is for the group date, but even these chumps know, by process of elimination, that whoever's name is not on the group date card will be the lucky man who goes on the final one-on-one this week. It is...Ryan!!  "My chest is beatin right now," says Ryan. No, that's your heart. It's an organ inside your chest. 

Back on the date, Emily is fishing around for a reason to dump Travis, but he keeps giving all the right answers. "What kind of women do you usually date?" asks Emily. "You to a T," says Travis, which I guess means all the women he dates are tiny, blonde, emotionally damaged single moms with a penchant for the spotlight. 

Emily picks up the date rose. She loves how Travis is always smiling. They have a 'friendship foundation', but she does not think they have a romance. Damn you, pink Sean, for being right! It is kind of crushing to watch Travis' face suddenly fall. Emily says goodbye, and Travis walks away, heartbroken, IN THE RAIN.

Next up, Emily and the clusterchump are going to the movies, because "sometimes, a girl just wants to see a movie." Sometimes, a girl was paid thousands of dollars by the producers of a movie to promote said movie on her crap tv show where she dates six men at once. The movie is Brave, which I am actually super psyched about seeing, so I hope this show doesn't totally ruin it for me. "It's not shakespeare, right?", asks one of the guys, because it is always funny to joke about your illiteracy. 

Brave is about three dudes competing for the hand of a scottish princess, or something, and all the guys are like, WHOOOA, this is exactly like us! But they don't know how right they are, because now that the movie is over, they will be a sham highland games!!!  The producers do realize that Croatia != Scotland, right? Although I guess it's probably a pretty long shot that any major studio has a film coming out that's set in Croatia. 

The dudes ride donkeys to the field where the games will take place, because traditionally Croatian warriors rode donkeys into battle, although I'm guessing they didn't do while wearing a kilt. The first activity is archery. Most everybody is pretty good at it, but drunkeye Chris misses the target completely and is duly mocked. The next event is the camber toss, which is where you like, pick up a huge log and throw it. Chris volunteers to go first, hoping some of the shame of his last-place finish in archery can be removed. Chris: "I have no idea if I'm good at this. I've never done this before, you know....but if that's what it takes, for me to...throw a log, to find love with Emily, then I'm more than willing to do it."


Never mind, editing monkeys. Forget what I said earlier. I LOVE YOU. 

Chris is disqualified, because his log didn't roll over, or something. That's what she said?

Anthony Michael Jef's log also fails to roll. Pink Sean goes next and be BREAKS THE STICK, because his arms are bigger than my head. Even the faux highland warriors hired by ABC to officiate the faux highland games are impressed.

The next game is the made leash (?), which is where you sit across from someone, and you both tug on a stick until one of you falls over. (I realize this sounds a bit inappropriate, but this time I swear I did not mean it.) Emily draws a name from a pot; whoever is picked will get to choose his oponent. It's Chris, and he picks single dad Doug, and Doug wins easily, because I guess the theme of this date is Chris sucking at everything. Chris is worried, because he has strong feelings for Emily and is worried she won't like him if he's not a total meathead.

At the end of the games, Emily award!! No, it is not a rose. It is a stupid metal cup. Pink Sean thinks he has the bravery cup in the bag, hands down, because he is a powerful ox of a man, but instead it goes to...Chris!! Emily gives a little speech about how Chris tried super hard, like it is some kind of participation award in elementary school. 

At the FAUX HIGHLAND GAMES AFTER PARTY...Pink Sean is bummed that he didn't get the bravery cup, like, IT'S NOT A REAL AWARD, but that's okay because he gets some one-on-one time with Emily. They reassure each other of their mutual affection, because that's all anyone ever talks about on this show, and then they share a sweet little peck. 

Emily has some alone time with race car Arie, and he apologizes for not presenting her with Kalon's head on a pike, and then they have an awkward conversation about how much they like each other, as you do, and then they make out and it is HOT and Arie is back in the game.

Back at the hotel! Ryan gets his date card, and then the producers give us like, 15 minutes of Ryan talking about himself. It's so easy with this guy. All they have to do is ask him about himself, and let the cameras roll, and you get gems like: "I look at myself every day when I wake up, and say to myself, "who do you want to be today?" most men do no do that." If Ryan woke up today wanting to be a puffy-haired fake reality tv villian, then his method is 100% effective. 

Back at the AFTER PARTY, Anthony Michael Jef gets some alone time. He and Emily congratulate each other on Opening Up, or something, and then she wants to know why it took his so damn long to kiss her. "I was scared of you," Jef says. I am scared of the terrfying sounds in the background of this scene. Is it the sound of a thousand demonic frogs? Emily was worried that Jef's non-kissing was part of some evil manipulative plan. Jef says he wants to keep her guessing. But not too much. Then they kiss. Then the frogs attack. 

Drunkeye is next. If he falls in love with Emily, Chris says, he wants it to be forever. Who knew that six guys wooing you at once could be so boring? "Thank you," says Emily. Doesn't anyone on this show talk about anything normal?

Emily runs off and grabs the rose from like, right in front of the other guys and spirits it off to Chris. Pity rose! "Every time I think I'm gonna get one, and then I don't." says race car Arie, and he makes a fake pouty face and I love him.

The next day! Emily comes to get puffy hair Ryan for their date, and they sit around and flirt while the other bachelors sit around and think about how much they hate Ryan. Everyone thinks Ryan is a douche, but their position is weakened a bit by the fact that they're all wearing hoodies. With the hoods up. Indoors. In the middle of the day.

On the date: Emily voiceovers that she is upset that Ryan thinks of her as a trophy wife, even though she has spent thousands of dollars to make herself look like the perfect trophy wife. But she still smiles more with him than with anyone else. Maybe that's because talking about how terrible Ryan's driving is is still 1000x times more interesting than all those other conversations about Opening Up. 

They do Dubrovnick-y things, like eating oysters on an oyster boat (Emily spits hers out) and talking to a random, unintelligible old man who yells at them as loudly as possible, as if that will make these dolts understand Croatian. I think he is saying "WHAT ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS DOING? YOU'RE BEING FOLLOWED BY CAMERA MEN!!" 

Ryan thinks that Emily might be the woman that "God has chosen for me", which totally confirms my suspicion that all the bizarre things Ryan says in interviews ("I was meant for more than this") are some kind of churchy motivational talk that is being taken totally out of context. 

Emily and puffy hair Ryan have dinner at a castle, and he says "trophy wife" like a billion more times, and this is very frustrating for me because A. she does not seem to realize that he is trying to make a joke, and B. Ryan is too dumb to realize that Emily does not get his jokes. Then Ryan reads off a list of 12 qualities that he wants in a wife, like, it's just one thing after another. (Although I have to say that this holds with my uber-Christian theory, because making lists of qualities you want in a partner is totally a thing you do in high school youth group.) Here's Ryan's list, in case you were wondering:

1. Loyal
2. Logical (disqualifies everyone who has ever been on this show)
3. ??? (we are not allowed to know #3)
4. an encourager
5. faithful
6. a nurturer
7. confident
?. magnetic (because random metallic objects like bobby pins are easy to misplace)
8. servant (puts her family before herself)
9. unselfish (doofus, this is the same as #8)
10. beautiful
11. sexy personality
12. loves to catch Ryan's eye

While Ryan is saying all this, the HE SO CRAZY!! music is ramping up in the background. I guess the Bachelor producers did not go to youth group in high school. 

Emily's kind of like, bitch please. SHE is here to do the evaluating, not the other way around. Emily's worried that Ryan wants her to be perfect, and he assures her that that is far from the case. 

Emily does not give Ryan the date rose. At the top of her list of qualities, she says, would be a loving family, and that was not on Ryan's list. Except for the part where it totally was. Also, "a loving family" is not a quality a person can have, unless they come with an insta-family like Emily. Ryan is much better at this list thing. 

But wait! Emily is not feeling it. She cannot give him the date rose. Which means Ryan will die go home in tears. Ryan is very shocked. He thinks Emily is making the wrong choice

BACK AT THE HOTEL: The dudes discuss how dastardly Ryan is. Race car Arie thinks that if Ryan comes home tonight, he may have to have some words with Emily about her terrible choice in men. 

BACK AT THE CASTLE: Ryan is still shocked. He still thinks Emily is making the wrong choice. Emily is not sure. Like, if you're not sure...why are you still rejecting him? You'd think if you were allowed to have six boyfriends, you could keep a few maybes.

Emily deliberates for probably half an hour. And then she STILL rejects Ryan. That's a part of my life I can never get back. 

They hug goodbye. "Trust yourself," says Ryan. "BUT YOU'RE MAKING THE WRONG CHOICE." Nice. 

Also, who wants to bet that Ryan will come back in a later episode? I'm putting the odds at about 95%. 

BACK AT THE HOTEL, a lackey comes to get Ryan's luggage. The dudes high-five, and then they praise Emily for rejecting Ryan as if she has won some kind of Nobel prize. In the car heading home, Ryan hopes that "you guys who cut this up" will make him look like a cool guy, and not a douche. Oops. Also: most honest exit interview ever. Not "I am totally heartbroken," but, " I hope I don't look like a complete idiot on TV." You know they're all thinking it. 

Deprived of this opportunity to warn Emily about how dastardly Ryan was, race car Arie decided instead to tell her how excited he is that she rejected him. So he pulls a Courtney and SNEAKS INTO EMILY'S HOTEL ROOM. Man, Arie is so clever. I bet the producers knew nothing about that. Arie congratulates Emily on being a good "judgement or character", continuing his string of crimes against the English language. Emily is excited that Arie has her back. She gives him the date rose that she didn't give to Ryan, like THAT'S CHEATING, and then they make out. Arie says he's in love with Emily and could ask her to marry him tomorrow, which is like WHOA CRAZY because they still have WEEKS AND WEEKS of getting to know each other before it will come to that, but it's in voiceover so we actually have no idea when he said that. C'mon editing monkeys, try harder.

Cocktail party! The dudes are amazed that BOTH guys who went on one-on-ones got the boot this week. The one-on-one date is DEATH, man. Better to stay in groups, where you attract less attention. It's safer. Emily comes in, wearing a dress with little flecks all over it, like a corian countertop. For Emily, single dad Doug and John WOLF are on the bubble tonight, and she's not sure who to send home. Wait, if you really and truly can't choose, shouldn't you reject them both? It's not like you don't have four other boyfriends. 

First it's time for a one-on-one with John WOLF. He's been carrying around his grandparents' funeral cards in his wallet since 1999, and he shows them to Emily and tells her how much his grandparents meant to him. Emily is touched. Convinced John actually has a heart, she decides to make out with him.

Then Emily sits down with single dad Doug on a sofa full of karate-chopped pillows in an attempt to find out what his deal is. Doug feels like he's behind the other guys, and Emily pats the sofa next to her and says "well scooch on in here!" It's pretty cute. Emily thinks Doug could sell himself a little more. "You should probably pick me..." Emily's like, "probably?" "You should definitely pick me," Doug corrects. It's pretty awkward. 

Rose ceremony time! Drunkeye Chris already has his pity rose. There are four roses left. Wait, aren't there usually 6 guys on the next episode? Never mind!

Roses go to:

pink Sean
Anthony Michael Jef
race car Arie (who secretly ALREADY HAS A ROSE but nobody knows)


WHO WILL GET THE LAST ROSE???? It is the MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER. Except for the fact that it is totally obvious that whoever gets it is going home next week. 

Emily is distraught. She goes outside to find Chris, who is already hanging out with some random chick (from the production?) like, smoking a ciggy or something, even though about five seconds ago he was telling us that this was THE FINAL ROSE. Emily doesn't know what to do. Chris reminds her that there are NO RULES here. No rules? Like, the ones that you tell us at the begining of every week don't matter? What are you even here for?

Emily goes back and tells the guys she cannot hand out the final rose, and they are all like. jeez, is that what we've been standing here for half an hour for? BUT THEN! Here comes Chris, carrying a tray of not one but TWO roses. "Emily? The extra rose you asked for?"

Oh, I get it. She cannot hand out the final rose because the final rose is now the PENULTIMATE rose. Everyone is happy, except for me because this is totally stupid. 

Next week! The dudes go to PRAGUE, which I am actually super psyched about because a week and a half from now I am going to Prague, and now I can FOLLOW IN THE STEPS OF THE BACHELORETTE. 

Also, the truth about race car Arie's former relationship with a producer comes out! So...I don't get this. It's shocking and all...but who are these so-called 'producers'? What do they do? I thought Emily planned all the dates and carried her own suitcases and everything? Look, nobody thinks that. But it's weird that we never hear anything from the producers, because we're supposed to pretend they're not there, all like PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN, but now that Arie has had some kind of past relationship with the man behind the curtain suddenly we're gonna talk about it? It's just weird. This show is weird. So stick around. I don't think I could do this without you.