Emily Episode 7: COMING SOON.

So I am currently in Prague, THE MOST ROMANTIC CITY ON EARTH, enjoying a little vacation and relishing the fact that I am following in the steps of Emily and Chris Harrison and the gang. It was my hope to  do my normal recap during the last week, when I was in Germany, but that did not happen, which means I'll be recapping episodes 7 AND 8 in one massive, super-awesome blog post when I return to the states. That's right: a bachelorette double header. In a word, epic.

Emily Episode 6: Putting the 'Bro' in 'Dubrovnik'

Welcome to Dubrovnik, the walled city on the shores of the Adriatic. Dubrovnik, as these good people are eager to tell us, is unbelievable and magical and the very best place to find love. It is also a strange, exotic locale where reality stars are forced to carry their own suitcases. 

Ricki has gone back to Charlotte, and Emily misses her every second of every day, which means that by now it has become an involuntary brain function. She wants to 'figure out' her relationship with the guys she has 'no clue' about, like, what, you've known these guys for three weeks and you don't already know if you want to MARRY some of them? I AM SHOCKED. 

Lots of travel shots, because the editors of this show have sworn an oath never to show us anybody doing anything interesting, ever, and are instead forced to entertain usc with footage of charming fishing boats that may or may not have been swiped from a National Geographic film. Oh wait! this charming fishing boat contains the dudes, who cannot stop gushing over how perfect Croatia is. "Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love," opines Anthony Michael Jef, like I guess they cut the footage where he was like, "well, Croatia is an okay place to fall in love, but Italy would've been better."

Travis formerly of the egg is desperate for a one-on-one date, and drunkeye Chris wants another one, that greedy bastard. Emily delivers the date card herself, like where is Chris when you need him to carry your luggage and deliver your damn mail, and it's for Travis. I kind of like Travis, despite that stupid egg stunt, because he's got a little bit of a Mississippi accent and that reminds me of my cousins, who are all good people. Also, he appears to have traces of a personality, and that is rare here. 

They like, wander around in old Dubrovnik, which I will agree is absolutely beautiful, and of course the producers have managed to find some bullshit local love talisman. This time, it is the balancing stone. If you can manage to balance on it while removing a shirt or jacket, you will be lucky in love. This according to Emily, who I swear is literally reading from a card. Travis finally manages to stand on the stupid stone, but he does not remove his shirt. Does that mean he will be UNLUCKY IN LOVE?

Travis wants to bust out of the friend zone. He asks her if she prefers the mountains or the beach. "The beach!" replies Emily. "Me too!" replies Travis. OMG THEY HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. 

Back at the villa! Or wherever the hell these guys are staying. The dudes discuss whether or not Travis is coming home. Pink Sean thinks Travis and Emily don't have anything romantic. Single dad Doug thinks Travis could totally be romantic if he wanted to. Dastardly, evil-spawn-of-satan puffy hair Ryan thinks Emily doesn't have a big enough personality for Travis. He thinks Travis needs to be with someone who has a 'funky-crazy' personality, which I think is a little someone on this show admitting that Emily is kind of boring. I know I'm not supposed to, but I sort of love Ryan right now. I wonder if Emily is going to flip out on him later and ask all the other dudes why they didn't knife him for saying that. 

Ryan goes on to say that Emily likes bad boys, and then there is something clearly taken totally out of context about how he misses the 'mean man' he used to be on the football field. The editing monkeys are lazy this week. 

Meanwhile! It is suddenly nighttime on Travis and Emily's date. "I had the best time today," says Travis. "Awwwwwwww...uh, me too!", says Emily, which is like code for "no way in hell are you getting a rose."  At dinner, it comes out that since his broken engagement, two years ago, Travis has not dated at all. TWO YEARS??  WHAT A FREAK. Emily is so shocked that she slips back into country. "Travis...whaaa?" We hear a voiceover of Travis telling us how amazing Emily is, while Emily is like, whatever. 

Back at the bro house, another date card arrives. It is for the group date, but even these chumps know, by process of elimination, that whoever's name is not on the group date card will be the lucky man who goes on the final one-on-one this week. It is...Ryan!!  "My chest is beatin right now," says Ryan. No, that's your heart. It's an organ inside your chest. 

Back on the date, Emily is fishing around for a reason to dump Travis, but he keeps giving all the right answers. "What kind of women do you usually date?" asks Emily. "You to a T," says Travis, which I guess means all the women he dates are tiny, blonde, emotionally damaged single moms with a penchant for the spotlight. 

Emily picks up the date rose. She loves how Travis is always smiling. They have a 'friendship foundation', but she does not think they have a romance. Damn you, pink Sean, for being right! It is kind of crushing to watch Travis' face suddenly fall. Emily says goodbye, and Travis walks away, heartbroken, IN THE RAIN.

Next up, Emily and the clusterchump are going to the movies, because "sometimes, a girl just wants to see a movie." Sometimes, a girl was paid thousands of dollars by the producers of a movie to promote said movie on her crap tv show where she dates six men at once. The movie is Brave, which I am actually super psyched about seeing, so I hope this show doesn't totally ruin it for me. "It's not shakespeare, right?", asks one of the guys, because it is always funny to joke about your illiteracy. 

Brave is about three dudes competing for the hand of a scottish princess, or something, and all the guys are like, WHOOOA, this is exactly like us! But they don't know how right they are, because now that the movie is over, they will be competing...in a sham highland games!!!  The producers do realize that Croatia != Scotland, right? Although I guess it's probably a pretty long shot that any major studio has a film coming out that's set in Croatia. 

The dudes ride donkeys to the field where the games will take place, because traditionally Croatian warriors rode donkeys into battle, although I'm guessing they didn't do while wearing a kilt. The first activity is archery. Most everybody is pretty good at it, but drunkeye Chris misses the target completely and is duly mocked. The next event is the camber toss, which is where you like, pick up a huge log and throw it. Chris volunteers to go first, hoping some of the shame of his last-place finish in archery can be removed. Chris: "I have no idea if I'm good at this. I've never done this before, you know....but if that's what it takes, for me to...throw a log, to find love with Emily, then I'm more than willing to do it."

ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Never mind, editing monkeys. Forget what I said earlier. I LOVE YOU. 

Chris is disqualified, because his log didn't roll over, or something. That's what she said?

Anthony Michael Jef's log also fails to roll. Pink Sean goes next and be BREAKS THE STICK, because his arms are bigger than my head. Even the faux highland warriors hired by ABC to officiate the faux highland games are impressed.

The next game is the made leash (?), which is where you sit across from someone, and you both tug on a stick until one of you falls over. (I realize this sounds a bit inappropriate, but this time I swear I did not mean it.) Emily draws a name from a pot; whoever is picked will get to choose his oponent. It's Chris, and he picks single dad Doug, and Doug wins easily, because I guess the theme of this date is Chris sucking at everything. Chris is worried, because he has strong feelings for Emily and is worried she won't like him if he's not a total meathead.

At the end of the games, Emily has...an award!! No, it is not a rose. It is a stupid metal cup. Pink Sean thinks he has the bravery cup in the bag, hands down, because he is a powerful ox of a man, but instead it goes to...Chris!! Emily gives a little speech about how Chris tried super hard, like it is some kind of participation award in elementary school. 

At the FAUX HIGHLAND GAMES AFTER PARTY...Pink Sean is bummed that he didn't get the bravery cup, like, IT'S NOT A REAL AWARD, but that's okay because he gets some one-on-one time with Emily. They reassure each other of their mutual affection, because that's all anyone ever talks about on this show, and then they share a sweet little peck. 

Emily has some alone time with race car Arie, and he apologizes for not presenting her with Kalon's head on a pike, and then they have an awkward conversation about how much they like each other, as you do, and then they make out and it is HOT and Arie is back in the game.

Back at the hotel! Ryan gets his date card, and then the producers give us like, 15 minutes of Ryan talking about himself. It's so easy with this guy. All they have to do is ask him about himself, and let the cameras roll, and you get gems like: "I look at myself every day when I wake up, and say to myself, "who do you want to be today?" most men do no do that." If Ryan woke up today wanting to be a puffy-haired fake reality tv villian, then his method is 100% effective. 

Back at the AFTER PARTY, Anthony Michael Jef gets some alone time. He and Emily congratulate each other on Opening Up, or something, and then she wants to know why it took his so damn long to kiss her. "I was scared of you," Jef says. I am scared of the terrfying sounds in the background of this scene. Is it the sound of a thousand demonic frogs? Emily was worried that Jef's non-kissing was part of some evil manipulative plan. Jef says he wants to keep her guessing. But not too much. Then they kiss. Then the frogs attack. 

Drunkeye is next. If he falls in love with Emily, Chris says, he wants it to be forever. Who knew that six guys wooing you at once could be so boring? "Thank you," says Emily. Doesn't anyone on this show talk about anything normal?

Emily runs off and grabs the rose from like, right in front of the other guys and spirits it off to Chris. Pity rose! "Every time I think I'm gonna get one, and then I don't." says race car Arie, and he makes a fake pouty face and I love him.

The next day! Emily comes to get puffy hair Ryan for their date, and they sit around and flirt while the other bachelors sit around and think about how much they hate Ryan. Everyone thinks Ryan is a douche, but their position is weakened a bit by the fact that they're all wearing hoodies. With the hoods up. Indoors. In the middle of the day.

On the date: Emily voiceovers that she is upset that Ryan thinks of her as a trophy wife, even though she has spent thousands of dollars to make herself look like the perfect trophy wife. But she still smiles more with him than with anyone else. Maybe that's because talking about how terrible Ryan's driving is is still 1000x times more interesting than all those other conversations about Opening Up. 

They do Dubrovnick-y things, like eating oysters on an oyster boat (Emily spits hers out) and talking to a random, unintelligible old man who yells at them as loudly as possible, as if that will make these dolts understand Croatian. I think he is saying "WHAT ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS DOING? YOU'RE BEING FOLLOWED BY CAMERA MEN!!" 

Ryan thinks that Emily might be the woman that "God has chosen for me", which totally confirms my suspicion that all the bizarre things Ryan says in interviews ("I was meant for more than this") are some kind of churchy motivational talk that is being taken totally out of context. 

Emily and puffy hair Ryan have dinner at a castle, and he says "trophy wife" like a billion more times, and this is very frustrating for me because A. she does not seem to realize that he is trying to make a joke, and B. Ryan is too dumb to realize that Emily does not get his jokes. Then Ryan reads off a list of 12 qualities that he wants in a wife, like, it's just one thing after another. (Although I have to say that this holds with my uber-Christian theory, because making lists of qualities you want in a partner is totally a thing you do in high school youth group.) Here's Ryan's list, in case you were wondering:

1. Loyal

2. Logical (disqualifies everyone who has ever been on this show)

3. ??? (we are not allowed to know #3)

4. an encourager

5. faithful

6. a nurturer

7. confident

?. magnetic (because random metallic objects like bobby pins are easy to misplace)

8. servant (puts her family before herself)

9. unselfish (doofus, this is the same as #8)

10. beautiful

11. sexy personality

12. loves to catch Ryan's eye

While Ryan is saying all this, the HE SO CRAZY!! music is ramping up in the background. I guess the Bachelor producers did not go to youth group in high school. 

Emily's kind of like, bitch please. SHE is here to do the evaluating, not the other way around. Emily's worried that Ryan wants her to be perfect, and he assures her that that is far from the case. 

Emily does not give Ryan the date rose. At the top of her list of qualities, she says, would be a loving family, and that was not on Ryan's list. Except for the part where it totally was. Also, "a loving family" is not a quality a person can have, unless they come with an insta-family like Emily. Ryan is much better at this list thing. 

But wait! Emily is not feeling it. She cannot give him the date rose. Which means Ryan will die go home in tears. Ryan is very shocked. He thinks Emily is making the wrong choice. 

BACK AT THE HOTEL: The dudes discuss how dastardly Ryan is. Race car Arie thinks that if Ryan comes home tonight, he may have to have some words with Emily about her terrible choice in men. 

BACK AT THE CASTLE: Ryan is still shocked. He still thinks Emily is making the wrong choice. Emily is not sure. Like, if you're not sure...why are you still rejecting him? You'd think if you were allowed to have six boyfriends, you could keep a few maybes.


Emily deliberates for probably half an hour. And then she STILL rejects Ryan. That's a part of my life I can never get back. 

They hug goodbye. "Trust yourself," says Ryan. "BUT YOU'RE MAKING THE WRONG CHOICE." Nice. 

Also, who wants to bet that Ryan will come back in a later episode? I'm putting the odds at about 95%. 

BACK AT THE HOTEL, a lackey comes to get Ryan's luggage. The dudes high-five, and then they praise Emily for rejecting Ryan as if she has won some kind of Nobel prize. In the car heading home, Ryan hopes that "you guys who cut this up" will make him look like a cool guy, and not a douche. Oops. Also: most honest exit interview ever. Not "I am totally heartbroken," but, " I hope I don't look like a complete idiot on TV." You know they're all thinking it. 

Deprived of this opportunity to warn Emily about how dastardly Ryan was, race car Arie decided instead to tell her how excited he is that she rejected him. So he pulls a Courtney and SNEAKS INTO EMILY'S HOTEL ROOM. Man, Arie is so clever. I bet the producers knew nothing about that. Arie congratulates Emily on being a good "judgement or character", continuing his string of crimes against the English language. Emily is excited that Arie has her back. She gives him the date rose that she didn't give to Ryan, like THAT'S CHEATING, and then they make out. Arie says he's in love with Emily and could ask her to marry him tomorrow, which is like WHOA CRAZY because they still have WEEKS AND WEEKS of getting to know each other before it will come to that, but it's in voiceover so we actually have no idea when he said that. C'mon editing monkeys, try harder.

Cocktail party! The dudes are amazed that BOTH guys who went on one-on-ones got the boot this week. The one-on-one date is DEATH, man. Better to stay in groups, where you attract less attention. It's safer. Emily comes in, wearing a dress with little flecks all over it, like a corian countertop. For Emily, single dad Doug and John WOLF are on the bubble tonight, and she's not sure who to send home. Wait, if you really and truly can't choose, shouldn't you reject them both? It's not like you don't have four other boyfriends. 

First it's time for a one-on-one with John WOLF. He's been carrying around his grandparents' funeral cards in his wallet since 1999, and he shows them to Emily and tells her how much his grandparents meant to him. Emily is touched. Convinced John actually has a heart, she decides to make out with him.

Then Emily sits down with single dad Doug on a sofa full of karate-chopped pillows in an attempt to find out what his deal is. Doug feels like he's behind the other guys, and Emily pats the sofa next to her and says "well scooch on in here!" It's pretty cute. Emily thinks Doug could sell himself a little more. "You should probably pick me..." Emily's like, "probably?" "You should definitely pick me," Doug corrects. It's pretty awkward. 

Rose ceremony time! Drunkeye Chris already has his pity rose. There are four roses left. Wait, aren't there usually 6 guys on the next episode? Never mind!

Roses go to:

pink Sean

Anthony Michael Jef

race car Arie (who secretly ALREADY HAS A ROSE but nobody knows)

Chris: FINAL ROSE.

WHO WILL GET THE LAST ROSE???? It is the MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER. Except for the fact that it is totally obvious that whoever gets it is going home next week. 

Emily is distraught. She goes outside to find Chris, who is already hanging out with some random chick (from the production?) like, smoking a ciggy or something, even though about five seconds ago he was telling us that this was THE FINAL ROSE. Emily doesn't know what to do. Chris reminds her that there are NO RULES here. No rules? Like, the ones that you tell us at the begining of every week don't matter? What are you even here for?

Emily goes back and tells the guys she cannot hand out the final rose, and they are all like. jeez, is that what we've been standing here for half an hour for? BUT THEN! Here comes Chris, carrying a tray of not one but TWO roses. "Emily? The extra rose you asked for?"

Oh, I get it. She cannot hand out the final rose because the final rose is now the PENULTIMATE rose. Everyone is happy, except for me because this is totally stupid. 

Next week! The dudes go to PRAGUE, which I am actually super psyched about because a week and a half from now I am going to Prague, and now I can FOLLOW IN THE STEPS OF THE BACHELORETTE. 

Also, the truth about race car Arie's former relationship with a producer comes out! So...I don't get this. It's shocking and all...but who are these so-called 'producers'? What do they do? I thought Emily planned all the dates and carried her own suitcases and everything? Look, nobody thinks that. But it's weird that we never hear anything from the producers, because we're supposed to pretend they're not there, all like PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN, but now that Arie has had some kind of past relationship with the man behind the curtain suddenly we're gonna talk about it? It's just weird. This show is weird. So stick around. I don't think I could do this without you. 

Emily Episode 5: A Rose by Any Other Name

This week! Kalon resumes his reign of shiny-faced douchebaggery, while increasingly douchey Ryan is surprisingly charming. Emily and pink Sean make plans to have a million babies, and Anthony Michael Jef finally goes in for the kill. The other dudes make a mockery of Shakespeare, because this show likes to shit all over things you love. And in the most-teased moment in Bachelor history, Emily tells someone to "get the BLEEEP" out. 

Hang on, kids. It's gonna be a wild ride. 

Tired of all the rain in Bermuda, the dudes are decamping to the one place in the world where it never, ever stops raining: London. As if Europeans didn't already have enough reasons to think we are all imbeciles. The guys are allowed a glimpse of Trafalgar square before they are whisked away to their hotel, where they will be sequestered for the remainder of the week when not on a date with Emily. It must be super awesome to be in a cool, exotic location and be forced to spend the whole time cooped up in a hotel with a bunch of other dudes, drinking and comparing muscles. Or whatever it is guys do when they're alone. 

Pink Sean (who looks slightly less pink in London) is the lucky winner of the first one-on-one date. He and Emily drive around London in their own double-decker bus, and look at things, and then they go someplace called the Speaker's Corner, which is, I think, a place where old dudes hang out and shoot the shit about politics. Sean gets up, and says he doesn't know much about politics, and the dudes are not impressed. So instead Sean talks about LOVE, and the dudes are even less impressed, but Emily is impressed, or least pretends to be, so that's good I guess. 

Then Emily and Sean have dinner at the tower of London.  FUN FACT: Anne Boleyn stayed at the tower of London on the night before her coronation, and also on the night before her execution. Super romantic!! Although, I guess, when you think about it, what the tower really represents for a lot of people is disappointed expectations and dashed hopes, so maybe it's appropriate. 

Emily and pink Sean have dinner, and she calls him her "prisoner of love", and all I can think about is that one time freshman year when Meg and Rachel and I went to Hancock fabrics and found this hot pink-and-black striped stretchy fabric that we called the 'prisoner of love fabric', and then ran around looking at all the cheesy patterns at Hancock fabrics, all like, "imagine this...in the prisoner of love fabric!", and then we laughed until we almost peed our pants. That was about 52,000 times better than this date. Emily and Sean are some of the dullest human beings ever, and I wish they would hurry it up and just make beautiful, boring blond babies already. Speaking of which: Emily asks Sean how many kids he wants to have. Sean hasn't really thought about it yet. Maybe two? Maybe six? Maybe ten? Maybe a million? Sean doesn't care. He's cool like that. 

Confident that Sean is ready to sire her children, Emily gives him the date rose. Then they make out for a while. Can I go now?

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives. The only name not on it is that of Anthony Michael Jef, which means that AMJ and his bouffant hair will be spending some very special quality time with Emily. "Kalon" is jealous. "Kalon" likes to deal with jealousy by acting like a huge ass. He points out, snidely, that every date with Emily will be a group date...since Ricki will be there. Ugh, Kalon. It galls me to see the words "houston, tx" under your ass face. 

The date card says "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." "Hey guys, I think that quote is Shakespeare", says Alessandro, the only one who paid attention in english class freshman year. Sure enough, all the dudes are going to be acting out scenes from Romeo and Juliet. They travel to Stratford-Upon-Avon, which, Emily helpfully explains, is Shakespeare's birthplace. Only Alejandro knew that. 

Emily is accompanied by three Shakespeare experts, who are deeply embarrassed to be here. They do their best to explain the intricacies of the bard's work to these lunkheads, but it is mostly useless. "Kalon" delivers his lines like an accusation. Arie reads his lines without having any idea what they mean because "they're like, in another language." Oh, honey. Maybe you should stick to driving cars and making out. 

But Emily does not care! Part of being a great dad is being willing to put your ego aside and be a big kid and butcher some great literature. 

After a so-called 'audition', one of the Shakespeare people announces that Alejandro (only one with any idea what's going on), "Kalon" (murder in his eyes), John WOLF (?) and Ryan (nice scarf, dude) will be playing the part of Romeo. Race car Arie and single dad Doug will be playing...the nurse! Puffy hair Ryan is practically foaming at the mouth about kissing Emily. While Arie is dressed as a girl. 

Later, the dudes are all practicing their lines, and Emily comes along to see how rehearsal is going. "Kalon" tells her to "run along". He is PRACTICING. I think this is meant to be charming and playful, but coming from "Kalon" it sounds stupid and asinine. Wanker.  

The guys are almost ready for their performance, and, the Shakespeare expert says, they are going to add one additional challenge...A LIVE AUDIENCE. I'm thinking that's going to be more of a challenge for the audience than the performers. 

Time for the big show! "A crowd bewaits!" voiceovers one of the dudes. Nice try, but that's...not a word. I notice we only see very tight shots of the so-called 'crowd'. I think there are seven of them. It's like the crowd of 12 people at all the 'big games' on Saved By the Bell. 

Dainty Arie does respectably as a girl. "Kalon" delivers his lines as if he's trying to pick something out of his teeth. Puffy hair Ryan is a terrible actor, but a slightly better kisser. "It's a play," voiceovers Arie, all jealous-like. "You're not actually kissing her." Suck and blow is a game, Elton! (Sorry. I try to drop in 'Clueless' references wherever I can.)

Arie: "If Shakespeare was alive today and he saw Ryan, I think he would say...'Thouest suck". Actually, Arie, I think he would say, "thou sucketh." Or maybe he would say, "kill me". 

Now it's time for the FAUX SHAKESPEARE WRAP PARTY. At a pub! Shakespeare! Pubs! SO BRITISH. Arie makes out with Emily...while resting his hand on her leg. Those are some serious liberties, race car. Ryan pulls Emily aside. He wants to be ALONE. He has a SURPRISE. I'm scared. 

Ryan has brought Emily...a necklace! He pulls it out of his pocket, no box or anything. Presentation is not Ryan's strong point. But hey, it was hard enough to convince his mom to drive him to Claire's. 

Emily loves it, proving that women will forgive you for being a giant douche if you buy them things. Heartwarming!

Not so heartwarming is "Kalon". SOMETIME IN THE PAST FEW DAYS...Kalon said some TERRIBLE things. He said that Emily has BAGGAGE. Like, Louis Vuitton baggage?

Things escalate quickly. Everyone hates "Kalon", so it is not hard for the guys to imagine that he said this dastardly thing. Drunkeye Chris takes this to single dad Doug, who I guess is The Enforcer. "KALON SAID THAT RICKI IS BAGGAGE," says enforcer dad Doug. Well, that's not exactly what he said. It's like a game of Bachelorette telephone!

Also: isn't this a freaking television show? If "Kalon" said something super terrible...why isn't there footage of it? I call shenanigans. 

But all these guys are bored or something, or more likely, Mike Fleiss needs some so-called drama, that slimy bastard, so things continue to ramp up. Doug confronts "Kalon" about his dastardly words. "Yeah, not gonna retract it," says "Kalon", because "Kalon" is a moron. All this means, "Kalon" says, is that having a stepdaughter is a responsibility. Um...your word choice sucks, dude. Those do not mean the same thing at all. 

Single dad Doug runs to Emily to tell her that someone said these terrible things. Someone referrred to Ricki...as BAGGAGE. (But it could be worse! I guess "Kalon" could've said that Ricki was a baggage, which would mean he called her a whore.) 

But no matter! Anyone referring to Emily's daughter as any kind of luggage cannot be allowed to live. "I am so angry right now," says Emily, but she still looks happy, and that is TERRIFYING. "I'm trying to think of the most ladylike way I can handle this," says Emily. "I want go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them." A true lady would only ever beat you with your own appendages. 

Emily announces her intentions to go "West Virginia hoodrat backwoods on his ass", and all the dudes are like, WHOA. SHIT. but they definitely want to be there for this. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?" asks Emily. "Kalon" has nothing to say for himself. His words were taken out of context! "Baggage" means "responsibility"! Uh...no it doesn't. 

"Get the f*ck out," says Emily. This conversation is OVER.

Kalon gets into the limo van of shame. Single dad Doug attempts to comfort Emily, but she would rather be alone. "Kalon" said those terrible things, and nobody said anything! Actually, Doug said something. Uh, just now. Did Emily miss that part?

Emily will not be giving someone the date rose, because she is DISAPPOINTED. She wishes the dudes had told her earlier what a completely reprehensible human being "Kalon" is. Race car Arie's like, "uh...we kinda thought you were smart enough to eliminate him on your own. Since he's a greasy douche and all." But Emily's having none of it. No rose for you! Everyone is sad. 

The burden of dealing with Emily in this emotionally volatile state now falls to Anthony Michael Jef and his incredibly teased hair. Emily has a suprise! It is...afternoon tea! With a real English etiquette expert. Jeff is like, W.T.F. 

Jean, the etiquette expert, is very British and clearly delights in etiquette. I would totally watch The Bachelorette: London Calling: Jean edition. Emily and AMJ, however, are less than delighted. Jean leaves to go to the "loo", and they sneak off to a pub. Those crazy kids!

At the pub, some SERIOUS conversation. Jef was there when "Kalon" spoke the dastardly words and called Ricki BAGGAGE. Predictably, Jef was like, hey dude, if you feel that way, uh...why are you here? "Kalon" said it was because he wanted to have a fun adventure. Sure, that's why 50% of the guys in the house are here...but you don't say these things. "Kalon" is not too smart. 

"If Ricki is baggage", says Anthony Michael Jef, "then she's a Chloe handbag that I want to have forever." Heyy! I made that joke! 

Then they go to the London eye, which is like this giant ferris wheel, where they have dessert and Anthony Michael Jef tells Emily how wonderful she is. He feels like he could tell her anything. He wants to have a family. Jef is ready to have dance parties with Ricki. I am ready to have an 80s dance party with Jef and Molly Ringwald.

Anthony Michael Jef definitely wants to kiss Emily, but he can't stop talking about it and actually do it. Be cool, AMJ. Be cool. Emily and Jef finally kiss. It is the Most Anticipated Kiss in Bachelor history. It is pretty okay, I guess. Jef could do this forever. That is fine, but I can really only take another half an hour or so of this. 

At the rose ceremony! Emily interrogates everyone about why they didn't 'stick up for her', conveniently forgetting, I guess, that Doug DID stick up for her. What did she want them to do, murder him? Send midnight smoke signals to Chris Harrison as soon as the dastardly words were spoken? Arie is on the hot seat, I guess because he didn't murder Kalon either. He repeats, again, that he thought maybe Emily could fend for herself in this situation. She is not convinced. They do not make out. 

Ryan is ready for some FUN. He makes Emily stand on a balcony, and then recites the balcony scene from Romeo & Juliet. Ryan also offers his own interpretation: Romeo is saying (he thinks) that everything is super beautiful, but Juliet is more beautiful still. He forgets the part where their families hate each other and their love will probably lead to their mutual demise. 

"I don't know where I turned a corner with Ryan," says Emily, "but I find myself liking him more and more." Although I've noticed that Emily sounds more country around Ryan than anyone else, so it's more like "lah-kin." Emily is lah-kin Ryan so much that she succumbs to his evil kisses. Noooo! Oh, but she says she's going to "keep an eye on him." Okay then. 

Then Emily makes out with pink Sean, too, for good measure. He gives her butterflies...in her heart. Maybe she should get that checked out. 

Look, there's Chris! It's Rose Ceremony time. Pink Sean and Anthony Michael Jef are safe. Roses go to:

single dad Doug the nark

puffy hair not-so-douchey Ryan

drunkeye Chris

John WOLF

Travis formerly of the egg

LAST ROSE TONIGHT. 

And it goes to...race car!!!  Alejandro is going home. And the rest of the guys are going to...wait for it...Dubrovnik!!

Say what?

That's the capitol of Croatia, for those of you playing along at home. Alejandro would've known that. 

Edited to add: My sister Susan, who is far more learned than me, helpfully pointed out that Dubrovnik is not the capitol of Croatia. (Just the most romantic-est city in Croatia, I guess.) Zagreb is the capitol of Croatia. Alejandro would've known that, too. 

Emily Episode 4: All's Fair in Socks and War.

Some serious shit going down in this episode, y'all. Yacht races! Cliff jumping! Race car Arie is hotter than ever. Puffy hair Ryan is douchier than ever. And to top it all off, like the cherry on this delicious sundae of DRAMA, is...dun dun dunhhhh...the dreaded two-on-one date. Which promises to be a nail-biting showdown between two dudes who names you can barely remember. Let's get to it. 

Chris greets the bleary-eyes dudes are the mansion. This week is going to be a little different, and not just because Ryan's increasingly douchey facial hair has reached previously unprecedented levels of douchiness. The dudes are going to...BERMUDA!!!!

And the first date in beautiful BERMUDA goes to...single dad Doug! Doug needs to be reminded of the rules, namely, that if he doesn't get a rose on the date, he goes home. Like, dude, Chris Harrison only tells you this stuff EVERY WEEK. Doug is sweating it. Race car Arie would like Doug to go home. Arie and Doug get into a fight over...whether Doug should be nervous about not getting a rose? Some stupid shit. The other dudes watch tepidly, chagrined that the producers have forced them to witness this crap. Emily walks into the room and senses some TENSION in the air, probably because it's 10 AM already and nobody has drinks. 

Emily and Doug walk around Bermuda and like, shop together, and she says how nice he is which is funny because we just watched him almost wring race car Arie's dainty race car neck. Emily says how this date is so NORMAL, like, when you're on vacation as a family that what's you do, just walk around and buy crap, but then she and Doug make their own perfume together (?) and watch some kids playing soccer while dressed as pinatas (??), so I think the 'normal' part of this date just went off the rails. 

Then Emily gets Doug to tell her a little more about himself. Doug wants to be the perfect dad. He wants to be the perfect dad so badly that he started a charity to prove to his son that one person can change the world. Emily is pretty impressed. She's in the middle of telling Doug how he's the perfect guy, never unhappy or short with anyone, when Doug admits to her that he had a little brouhaha with the guys earlier. The way Doug describes it, he 'schooled' them, although from my perspective it looked more like they gave him a ton of crap while he became increasingly enraged. But Emily's good opinion of Doug dies hard. She's happy he feels comfortable enough to be honest with her. Well then. 

Emily and Doug walk under a "moon gate" that is supposed to grant your love wishes. Emily wishes to not be single forever, and that all the photographs of her on the cover of US Weekly would be especially flattering. We are never told but Doug wishes, but whatever it is, I hope it works out better for him than that stupid love clock did for manic Joe. 

At dinner, Emily explains that she doesn't quite trust Doug, because he is too perfect. BRAD was perfect, or seemed perfect, and we all saw how THAT worked out, and now Emily cannot trust a man unless he is deeply flawed. 

Eager to discover his secret weakness, Emily asks Doug what his flaws are. Doug's flaws are...that he spends too much time with his son, and did not wash his ex-girlfriend's car enough. Emily, being the smart woman that she is, points out that these are not flaws. So Doug asks her: what are YOUR worst traits? Emily's greatest flaw is that she sometimes wears pajamas to the grocery store. This is not a flaw, either. Flummoxed, Emily realizes that coming up with flaws at the spur of the moment is hard. Or maybe it's just that Doug and Emily are both perfect! So she gives him the rose so they can be perfect together. 

Awwww. 

Then Doug goes on and on about how he wants to kiss Emily, but won't because his dad told him that he should wait for girls to make the first move. Crap advice, dad. Now we know that Doug's real flaw is that he's a giant weenie. 

Up next! Some dudes go on a group date with Emily, and the date is a sailboat race, because I think the theme of this episode is COMPETITION, like, these men would fight each other to the death for Emily's love, or something. Which is both romantic, and grisly, and those are really the two things I look for from the Bachelorette.

Emily blows the horn, and the boat race commences. There are two teams, the red and the yellow, and they both tack and winch and heave ho, or however you do, with all their might, but it is the YELLOW team (increasingly douchey puffy hair Ryan, dainty race car Arie, Anthony Michael Jef, the so-called "Kalon") that wins the day. The RED team goes home, in defeat and grinding shame, but not before they tell us like 4,000 times how disappointed they are not to be spending time with Emily. Like OKAY WE GET IT. The real kicker is when we see the red team on a van, on the way back to the hotel, and head injury Charlie is crying like someone just stole his lunch money. You just want to give him a hug. 

We cut to the beach, where the four lucky winners are basking in Emily's blonde radiance and their own aura of superiority. Emily has some alone time with race car Arie, and he tells her for a while how wonderful she is, and then they make out. Then it's Anthony Michael Jef's turn, and he also tells her how wonderful she is, but they do not make out, which is disappointing. Both of these assignations (well, I guess the experience with AMJ is best described as a non-assignation) take place under what looks like the hide of an especially clean sheep. Only it's also an especially tiny sheep, so Emily and the race car have to get super close. Clever producers. 

Now it's time for puffy hair Ryan to make a complete ass of himself, and he does not disappoint. Ryan has some 'concerns' about how Emily's been acting. "As the Bachelorette, she's been given a great responsibility, and I want to see her do a lot with it." Ryan, she's the Bachelorette, not a Nobel prize nominee. Have we been watching the same program?

What follows is sort of unintelligible, in the grand tradition of Tricky Editing on This Show, but here is the jist: Emily wants to know if it's okay with Ryan if she puts on a few pounds. If she like, started chasing after their kids and stopped going to the gym. Ryan's response: "God designed you to be a beautiful woman. So be a beautiful woman. You know what I mean?"

Good one, dude. 

So my feelings about Ryan are mixed. It's hard to tell if he's being serious about the "I'm not okay with you getting fat" thing, and I know he doesn't always say the right thing, but I like that he's willing to give Emily a little bit of crap. I know we all think Ryan is a giant douche, but you've got to give him some credit. He seems to be the only guy here who's bothering to actually flirt with Emily, instead of just telling her over and over again how awesome she is. And there's a reason people flirt. It's because flirting is fun. 

But then Ryan messes that all up by telling Emily he's disappointed that she's not using the show to set an example to other young women of how they should behave around men. Granted, I'm not sure making out with 4 different dudes (are there four? clearly I can't tell these guys apart) is really that great of an example, but then again, this is a show where the female lead dates 25 men at once. Emily is, relatively speaking, super chaste! Also, it's hard to tell if Ryan is upset about Emily's supposed sluttiness, or just the fact that she's making out with dainty Arie and not him. 

And the date rose goes to...Anthony Michael Jef! Race car Arie is jealous. Ryan thinks that Emily gave the date rose to Jef, and not to Arie, because she knows that giving the rose to Arie would've made Ryan super upset. Emily is DEEP, Ryan opines. What they have is super DEEP. Deeper even than the depths of Ryan's puffy hair. Okay, Sherlock. But then why didn't she give the rose to YOU?

This is never explained, because now it is time for the dreaded TWO ON ONE DATE. One man will get a rose, and the other...will DIE. 

No, he will just go home IMMEDIATELY, and lose his chance at love, and D-list celebrity, forever. Which, if you think about it, is a kind of death. 

Who is going on the 2-on-1 date? It is our old friend John WOLF, and...some other guy! Other guy's name is Nate. He is wearing a pink shirt, and I have never heard him talk before, so I am fairly sure he is toast. 

The departure of John WOLF and the other guy is a great opportunity for Doug and Chris to get into a fight over some stupid shit. This time, they're fighting over whether being 30 means you are more mature than if you are 25. (Chris is 25. Doug is...33?) Look, let me chime in here...I'm sure your average 30-year-old is more mature than your average 25-year-old. But this is without taking into consideration two important things. 1. many men are imbeciles, and 2. your appearance on this show indicates you are all giant man-children. 

Moving on! It's the two-on-one date, and...it is awkward, y'all. Super awkward, I know that going on a date with two dudes at once sounds kind of sexy and exciting, but imagine if they were both unfailingly polite and kinda boring. There's a yacht, and there's jumping off cliffs, and there's dinner in a cave, and it is dullsville. Emily pulls Nate aside for some alone time, and he tells her how much he misses his family, or something, and she tells him about 15 times how sweet he is, which is pretty much the kiss of death. Sure enough...in about five seconds Emily is walking Nate out of the cave. To his DEATH. 

And now John WOLF has a rose, and now it's time for the cocktail party, because everyone has embarrassed themselves sufficiently and it's time to wrap this shit up. Everyone gets a last-minute chance to plead their case, but I am not really paying attention because all I can look at, or think about, is Anthony Michael Jef's catholic schoolgirl socks. Which, now that I think about it, are kind of sexy. Or are they? I feel upset. And confused. 

Some of the guys, especially race car, think puffy hair Ryan may be going home, but I don't really care because: socks. Socks socks socks SOCKS. I can't un-see them. Big blue SOCKS. I'm blaming my strange attraction to the socks on my scottish heritage. It's in my blood. Don't judge. 

I just realized that there is still HALF AN HOUR left in this show, which is completely absurd, and also plenty of time for Ryan to be a giant douche. Oh, and does he ever. He wants Emily to prove to him that she is worthy of him and his puffy hair and giant neck, and she's only just beginning to make her argument when race car Arie comes to steal her, which Ryan says is fine, but there is MURDER in his eyes. 

Ryan takes this opportunity to skulk off and tell floppy hair Michael how awesome he is. How awesome Ryan is, that is. Even if Emily does not choose him, Ryan says, he is already in talks with the media about The Bachelor: Puffy Hair Ryan. Ryan seems a little unclear on the concept. You do realize this is a TV show, right? And that everything you say can be on TV? Look, I know every single other dude on this show is thinking exactly the same thing. But you don't SAY that. Because people can hear you. 

It starts raining. Pink Sean starts looking pinker. He pulls Emily aside, and they talk about Ricki and are beautiful and blonde and boring together, and then they kiss some, but I don't see any tongue so I'm not convinced. 

I guess nobody else has anything to do, because then drunkeye Chris gets into a fight with single dad Doug because he thinks Doug acts like he's the better man for Emily, just because he's older. Doug denies this, but then Chris picks a fight with him anyway, because what the hell else is he going to do, and also Chris is drunk. It is dumb, and I am drinking heavily to numb the pain when finally Chris Harrison comes to rescue me. Everyone is like OH CHRIS HI THANK YOU SWEET HEAVENS, and Chris and Emily and Emily's fakity fake hair extensions (don't think I didn't notice!) go off and have a serious Chat. 

Emily and Chris discuss the dudes like two commentators on sportscenter. Arie is a hot kisser, Anthony Michael Jef is a disappointing non-kisser, Doug picks fights, and Ryan is full of shit. Having 12 boyfriends, y'all, is not all it's cracked up to be. 

Rose ceremony time! Single dad Doug, Anthony Michael Jef, and John WOLF already have roses. The others go to:

pink Sean

race car Arie

Travis formerly of the egg

drunkeye Chris

puffy hair Ryan

"Kalon" 

FINAL ROSE TONIGHT. Thanks, Chris. 

And the FINAL ROSE goes to...Alejandro. 

That means head injury Charlie (aww) and floppy hair Michael are going home. Goodbye, Charlie! I give you a big hug. Goodbye, Michael! Get a haircut. 

Next week...we are in LONDON! Everyone on the show is suitably impressed. Everyone in London is suitably embarrassed. I am suitably inebriated. This show is bad for my liver. Until next week!