Sean Episode 10: You've made a huge mistake.

For those of you fortunate enough not to watch, tonight's episode of the Bachelor consisted of an hour and fifteen minutes of romping on the beach, followed by 36 hours of painful deliberation. I guess the producers want to let us in on how agonizing this process is, so Sean will still look like a Nice Guy (tm), even after dumping one woman immediately after humping her on the beach. It was agoninzing, all right. 

First! We get introduced to all the women Sean is ostensibly Falling For, cuz I guess the producers do not trust us to remember these women from oh, last week. So we get these little bits where Sean talks about the women and what he likes about them. It is a little bit like the intro packages you used to get in the Baby Sitters Club, except no one is wearing a zany striped men's button-down shirt and parrot earrings they made themselves, and that is sad. 

To jog your memory, there is Catherine, the fun one, AshLee, the super-serious adopted one, and Lindsay, the other one. Sean likes about Catherine that she is 'nerdy' and 'weird'. Sean does not know what either of these words mean. He also likes that Catherine is silly and fun. And that they make out a lot. Sean thinks AshLee has 'amazing qualities', which sounds like something you would say about a job applicant. He thinks she's 'inspirational' and 'strong' and can see them living in Dallas in a 'nice little house, with kids runnin around, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife, massaging my feet." And then there's Lindsay! Lindsay is special. Sean and Lindsay have a 'spark', which is exactly what he said about Catherine, but their spark has grown into a 'massive flame'. Which sounds like something you should get checked out. Sean thinks Lindsay is 'generous' (this is spliced over footage of them making out) and that he could see himself marrying her. 

Sean is totally in love with all these women. He says. Sean leans dejectedly on the edge of a pool. This shit is hard. 

First fantasy date! In THAILAND, the most romantic place on earth, more romantic even than Canada or that island from last week whose name we have already forgotten. (Aside: why doesn't the Bachelor ever go to South America? What's wrong with like, Machu Pichu or Tierra del Fuego? Aren't those romantic?) 

The first date is with Lindsay. Sean is wearing a shirt that is exactly the same color as he is. "Are you adventurous when it comes to trying new foods?" Sean asks. "I am," replies Lindsay. "Except that I won't eat a bug." 

You've made a huge mistake. 

So of course they go to a market, and of course they find a stall selling bugs, because Sean is a horrible man. He wants Lindsay to eat a bug, to test her love or some shit. "They're bugs," says Lindsay, quite reasonably. But then she gives in, because being on this show is a relentless attack on all your better judgment. This is Lindsay's bug-eating face:

And since that was so fun, Sean makes her eat an even bigger bug. Love means never refusing to do disgusting things. 

What twisted thing will Sean think of next? Feeding monkeys! On a beach! Sean tells Lindsay she's he's best friend, and then they make out. While the monkeys watch. Lindsay voiceovers that she has not yet told Sean that she loves him, introducing an excruciating storyline that will last for the next several minutes. 

At dinner, Sean quizzes Lindsay about whether she would be cool with moving to Dallas. (Hey, show! Why is it always the women who have to move? What's up with that?) Lindsay is totally ready to move to Dallas and start their life together. Sean thinks that would be 'fun'. Gee, thanks Sean. 

And just when Lindsay is about to drop the big L bomb on Sean, these traditional dancers come and ruin the mood. And then there's Chris Harrison and his stupid fantasy suite card. 

Sean and Lindsay,

Welcome to the majestic country of Thailand. Look Sean, I know you got revirginized or whatever, but that's really bad for business. Say whatever you need to make your parents happy, but at least leave a little to the imagination. People need to imagine that someone is gettin' it on. That's why they watch this show. 

love,

Chris. 

So Sean is like "yes?" and Linsday is like "YES." This fantasy suite is kinda lame, though. It looks like a hotel room with a complimentary bottle of champagne. Sean tells Lindsay that she is compassionate, and loving, and could be his best friend. Whoa whoa whoa. Hold the phone. COULD? Didn't Sean just tell Lindsay like, five minutes ago that she was already his best friend? I really thought Lindsay was the one to win it, but I dunno. Between the coulds and the crappy fantasy suite, it is not looking so good. That's doesn't keep Lindsay from finally dropping the l bomb on Sean. Sean makes this face:

and then kisses her, rather chastely. The tongue tells all! Things are not looking good for our friend Lindsay. 

ASHLEe date! Ashlee is wearing white shorts, and she looks perfect in them. I kind of hate anyone who can wear white shorts. AshLEE thinks life with Sean would be 'a lifetime of unexpected adventures.' Thus far it is shaping up to be a lifetime of distinctly unpromising body language. 

Speaking of unexpected adventures! The boat stops. ASHlee and Sean are going to a private beach... but they have to swim through a CAVE to get to it. Uh-oh. 

The cave is scary. But not as scary as ASHLEe's incessant metaphors. Swimming through a cave is like taking a risk! For LOVE. It's dark, and wet, and terrifying, and sometimes if you take a wrong turn you die. 

But aShLeE and Sean do not die. They find the light at the end of the tunnel. It is the light of their LOVE. "I love feeling like I am AshLee's protector," says Sean, creepily. Come with me, little woman! I will guide you through this scary cave into the secluded beach of my love!

Oh, and there is kissing. The beach is actually pretty sweet, though. 

Dinnahtime! Sean thinks Ashlee is Incredible. Ashlee thinks Sean is Amazing. Sean says: "I love that you know... you know the qualities that I possess, and the qualities that are good for you that I possess, and you know that you want those in your life, and I just...I love that."

Lol whut???

Hannah and Vicki and I puzzled over this a long time, and in the end we concluded that Sean is saying something like "what I love about you is all the things you love about me." It is the worst compliment ever. "Thank you," says AshLEE. She may not be quite following. 

Sean continues to shower vague praise on AshleE, like, if I propose, that means I want to marry you, or something, and AshlEE continues to eat it up. Fantasy suite card time! AshLEE and Sean take several minutes of screen time to make it very, very clear that they are not about to bang each other. Sean just wants to stay up with her all night. Just talking! The more they talk about it, the creepier it seems. 

Ashlee's fantasy suite is slightly better than Lindsay's. But only slightly. Ashlee and Sean reminisce about the last two weeks of their relationship, and her stepping out of the limo, and blah blah blah. "I felt really confident that this was gonna work out." says Sean. "Even way back then." With that said, AshLEE would like Sean to know exactly what kind of engagement ring she wants. Giant cushion-cut diamond, surrounded by other slightly less giant diamonds. "It's good to know that you know what you want," sez Sean. Uncomfortable laugh. This is not a good sign. 

ashLEE thinks that Sean has "literally healed her broken heart." YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT WORD MEANS. 

Catherine and Sean's date is floating around in a boat. And doing scary things to make her trust him! No, just kidding. Apparently Catherine doesn't have to do scary things. If I ate a bug and then I saw this date, I would be pissed. Sean's worried that he and Catherine don't have the same life goals. Catherine insists she is ready for commitment. But not, apparently, ready to make eye contact with Sean when she talks. 

Then they jump off the boat, which is like jumping into a RELATIONSHIP, and then they go snorkeling, and then there's a storm approaching, which is kind of scary, I guess, and then they kiss in the rain and Sean's tongue makes its first appearance and that is way scarier than eating a bug. But the tongue has spoken, and the tongue has chosen Catherine. If the editing monkeys are to be believed. 

So scary, but it's hard to look away. 

Dinnahtime! Catherine points out that the fact that Sean isn't allowed to say anything definitive to her doesn't exactly make it easier for her to open up. "I can tell you that I could see myself marrying you," says Sean, like this is supposed to get Catherine all riled up. Catherine seems a little unimpressed. Then Sean and Catherine burn up several minutes of screen time making it suuuuper clear that they are totally not gonna bang in the fantasy suite. Yeah yeah yeah. We get it. 

Catherine's fantasy suite is the best, because it has a pool. Catherine can't believe that she's with Sean, cuz he's like sooo hot and she's just like this weird girl. Wait, what? What universe does this conversation take place in? Catherine is totally hot. Then some pretty intense kissing. In the pool! The tongue has spoken. 

So at this point, the fantasy dates are over. The episode is almost over, right? Hahaha NO. Because we need to watch like, three hours of Sean's angsty deliberation. Actually, I realize as I fast-forward past some prime Chris Harrison bits (sorry, Chris! also, the phrase 'Chris Harrison bits' is icky) that we are actually just watching Sean yammer about how sorry he is to let the third girl go. Since he's already made his decision. Wait, what are we watching?

Then we watch Sean angstily look at pictures for like another two hours. Wait, didn't you just tell us you knew who you were going to send home? Like FIVE MINUTES AGO? The Bachelor producers think we are complete idiots. Sean watches ridiculous 'video messages' from all the women. He appears to tear up as he watches each one, but <conspiracy theory> we never actually see his face and the video in the same frame. Meaning: Sean could've cried while watching say, Lindsay's video, and they spliced that footage next to footage of Ashley's video. Or, you know, Sean is just a hopeless wimp. 

Finally! Rose ceremony. Finally. Sean is so honored to have seen one of the most beautiful parts of the world with three of the most beautiful women he has ever met. Two of whom he will dump in the next week or so. Without further ado, roses go to...

Lindsay

DRAMATIC PAUSE. 

Seriously, that pause was two minutes long. I timed it. I could've listened to this video of Taylor Swift singing with a goat four times. 

This is Catherine's "geez, get this over with already" face:

And this is ASHlee's "gimme that rose or I'll cut you" face:

Is Sean having difficulty making the final call on the TOUGHEST DECISION OF HIS LIFE? Or is he just at a complete loss as to what to do because Chris Harrison isn't there to tell him? It's hard to be certain if this is, in fact, the last rose. 

Finally Sean calls a name. It is...

Catherine. 

AshLee's face grows more terrifying by the moment. She is the most beautiful and most terrible woman ever. Her eyes are like daggers and her thoughts are like steely arrows aimed straight at Sean's heart. AshLee turns to leave. Sean turns to walk her out. I think he might've peed himself a little. 

"She's pissed." says Lindsay. She is a quick one. 

Outside, AshLee wants to depart in stony silence, but Sean wants to like, explain himself or some shit. Here is what he says: 

"I thought it was you from the very beginning. I felt like our relationship was... there was a lot of intensity there, and this was honestly the hardest decision I've ever had to make."

Wow. Cool explanation, bro. 

Sean tries to say more things, but it's difficult to understand what he says because he's having trouble opening his mouth all the way. Probably he's worried that something even more asinine will come out and AshLee will hit him. Fear can do strange things to a man. My favorite part of this exchange is that throughout the whole thing AshLee says NOTHING. Not a word. The woman is STONE COLD. 

In the limo: "This wasn't a GAME to me. That wasn't about LAUGHTER, and JOKING, and having FUN." AshLee continues to be very beautiful, and very scary. Pointy reckonings. Pointy reckonings for everyone. 

Back at the... whever the hell he is, Sean sits on a bench and mopes. Ugh, what a twerp. 

Back in the limo! Ashlee is finally crying, so the producers can stop driving her around in circles for hours. Stay strong, AshLee! Now you can find a man who truly loves you, and who also has visible eyebrows. 

Next week on the Bachelor! Ugh, some stupid clip show. Lemme guess: everyone still hates TIERRA. Chris is a smarmy douche, like he always is. Do I really have to watch this?

The week after that! Sean makes his FINAL DECISION in the single most excruciating television event of your life. You won't want to miss it. 

Sean Episode 8: Meet the Parents.

Hometown dates! You know, that part of the show where the 'fairy tale' that is the Bachelor abruptly intersects with reality, aka the contestants' families, and everyone feels uncomfortable. (Aside: in the sense that many 'fairy tales' were actually cautionary tales designed to scare the shit out of young children, yes, this show is totally a fairy tale.) 

The first hometown date in in HOUSTON, with AshLEE, the adopted one. They drink champagne in a meadow, like, as you do, in Houston, and Ashlee is still over the moon that Sean doesn't think she's 'broken' for having been married before. Like what kind of men does Ashlee usually hang out with? Ashlee trusts Sean to protect her heart. Take a drink every time Ashlee says 'trust'. 

Dinner with Ashlee's parents! Dad wants to know what she's been up to, and Ashlee tells them about the polar bear plunge, but she turns it into like, this giant metaphor for how much she trusts Sean now, and everyone looks mildly uncomfortable. And after THAT, Ashlee says, she and Sean went to St. Croix and rolled around together in the sand, and everyone looks REALLY uncomfortable. "There was a lot of romance." Ashlee says. Mom looks like this:

It is the most awkward family dinner ever. 

Sean talks to Ashlee's mom, and she is like, are you going to break her heart? Sean yammers something about how special Ashlee is. While looking super uncomfortable. Dad's turn! Dad wants to know if Sean is in love with his daughter. Sean was afraid of that. He is Crazy about Ashlee. Also he could see himself maybe possibly falling in love with her. IF he were to propose, Sean asks, would Dad be on board? Sure, says dad. IF you decide you really love her. This show is so weird. The only one who seems sure about the outcome is Ashlee. She wants to get married like, the second they can. She doesn't want to wait. I'm worried. 

Catherine's date! In Seattle, where the chief entertainment, I guess, is watching people throw fish at each other. Sean catches a fish, because he is 'always willing to do stuff.' Catherine catches a fish, too. 

Then Catherine and Sean apply chewed gum to a wall of chewed gum, because the theme of this date is Touching Things That Are Gross. Sean is sure that Catherine's family will be warm and welcoming, because she is warm and welcoming. Hahaha! Little does he know. 

Sean meets the family, and at first everything is going well. He cooks with mom! He does pushups with Catherine on his back! Gradma wants to abscond with him and his giant muscles. But Catherine's two sisters are a little skeptical. "Can you see yourself with like, him, and a family, and like, kids?" one of the sisters wants to know. "If he proposed at the end, I would say yeah, I want to like, try this out," says Catherine, demonstrating something less than enthusiasm about Sean's hypothetical proposal. The sisters are not convinced. 

Sean asks mom for her blessing. "We'll see what happens," says mom, noncommittally. Sean is pissed at the family's unwillingness to kiss his ass, even though he still has three other girlfriends, like, whatever Sean. 

Lindsay date! There's a bit where Sean dresses up in army fatigues, and Lindsay bosses him around and like, slaps his ass, but he seems to really like it, and I feel a little uncomfortable. Also, he does pushups with Lindsay on his back, so thus far we're 2 for 4 with the pushups. All the army stuff is because, doncha know, Lindsay's dad is a two-star general. So basically, Lindsay HAS to win this thing, or her dad will have him killed. 

Mom wants to know if Sean is falling in love with Lindsay. "I'm not in a position to say that right now," he says. Super romantic! But he does want mom to know that he's Crazy about Lindsay. Remember this for later! Sean also talks to Dad. Dad is worried about Lindsay getting hurt. Sean would never want this to happen. Because he's so Crazy about her. And his other three girlfriends. Sean wants dad's blessing in the event he maybe possibly wants to marry Lindsay. Dad, to his credit, thinks this is weird as hell. He goes on some long tangent about being a paratrooper, and jumping out of airplanes, or something, like I guess getting married to Sean is like jumping out of an airplane? But dad finally gives his blessing. As long as Lindsay says yes. Women can make decisions, too!

Des date! Des and Sean are making dinner at what is ostensibly her house, but I'm calling bullshit on this one. Like, who keeps a cello around, just like, in the corner, with no pegs? And therefore no strings. Also, the producers would like us to believe that wedding dress saleswomen make enough money to afford a huge house in LA? I would like to get in on that shit. 

NOT A REAL CELLO. 

The doorbell rings, and Sean is expecting Des' family, but instead it is some random dude. Random dude is like Des, I LOVE YOU. Where the hell have you been? Des says she's been busy, gesturing no-so-subtly in Sean's direction, like, they've been busy. You're going to be with this ACTOR?? Sputters random dude. Sean's hand forms into a first. AND THEN...

It is all a joke! Haha! A joke! Like, a practical joke! This guy is not Des' angry ex. He was HIRED! I should've known nobody in their right mind would ever buy Sean as an actor. 

Then the family shows up for real. Mom thinks Sean is hot. Dad thinks he'd make a great son-in-law. Desiree's brother, though, is a little skeptical. He doesn't want her to fall for any bullshit. "There's no way this could work out," the bro says. Then he wants to talk to Sean. Uh-oh. 

Man, Des' brother is like, SUPER HARDCORE. He thinks that Des is really into Sean, but Sean is not really into her. I like how something that a normal human being would say in real life is treated on this show as something TOTALLY CRAZY. Speaking of crazy! To allay the bro's fears, Sean assures him that he is Crazy about Des. "You're crazy about a lot of girls, right?" the bro fires back, which is hilarious because just from watching this show we can know that Sean is crazy about at least Ashlee and Lindsay. OWNED. 

The bro thinks Sean is a playboy, and Sean is like, all offended, although it's kind of not hard to imagine someone saying that about the guy who just met up with the families of four of his girlfriends. So Sean hightails it out of there in like, the middle of dinner, because I guess he can't stand to be anywhere where everyone present doesn't think he's a golden god. Bye Sean! Des is very disappointed. I notice no one has finished their steaks. I'll take one of those. 

Ag, there is still 20 minutes left, so you know what that means! An awkward expository talk with Chris Harrison. Love you, but...skipped this. Sean doesn't know what to do. He has in mind his top two girlfriends, but he doesn't know who to pick for the third one. Is this guy for real?

Rose ceremony time! Sean gives a super long speech. It is a real snoozer. Just when I think this is finally about to wrap up, Des is like, Sean, can I talk to you? Catherine has a serious case of bitchface.

Des and Sean have a chat where she apologizes profusely for having a brother with a normal amount of skepticism about this stupid show. "It's okay," says Sean. BUT IS IT? Back to the elimination ceremony!

Roses go to:

AshLee

Lindsay

aaaand....

Ag, where is Chris? IS THIS THE LAST ROSE? Oh, there you are. 

Final rose goes to...

Sean walks out of the room. Just like, walks out. Wtf, dude? You're like, not done! Chris Harrison said there was one more rose! Sean goes back to the room of deliberation to like, stare at photos moodily, like, way to go Sean. There is absolutely no way that the woman you pick now will not feel like total shit knowing that you just decided to keep her like, two seconds ago. Also, there is no way this is not staged. 

And the final rose goes to...

Catherine. 

Sean goes outside to have a chat with Des. He's worried he may regret this decision tomorrow. Once again, WTF? If you're going to let her go, why not just let her go? What's with all the hemming and hawing? News flash, Sean. You can't do this show without looking like a giant douche. Get used to it. I mean, the setup of this show is to systemically reject huge numbers of women. 

The Bachelor: Most Agonizing Breakup Ever continues. Are the producers trying to sell us Des as the next Bachelorette, or do they just like to watch us suffer? Talk amongst yourselves. Sean tells Des he's going to miss her a lot. Again, totally not the thing to say to the woman you JUST BROKE UP WITH. Jeez. 

And next week! Romantic dates! In THAILAND. Don't miss. 

Sean Episode 7: I have a sparkle.

Tonight! Back to the tropics. In ST. CROIX. Like wherever the hell that is. Also: the return of pink Sean! Really really pink Sean. And hopefully the return of hot tubs. We can only hope. 

First up: AsHlEe's date. On a boat! And also on the beach, and also this:

Yowza. 

So when Sean and Ashlee aren't lying on top of each other, they're having Deep Conversations about her Past. Ashlee has an important confession to make to Sean. I keep hoping that it's something truly shocking, like that she has a third eye on the back of her head, or that she ran away to join the circus when she was 15. Instead it is this: Ashlee didn't get along super well with her parents when she was in high school, so she...got married! At 17! Which on the scale of reality show confessions, is slightly more shocking than being a virgin and slightly less shocking than say, having once dated Fabio. 

Sean is totally cool with Ashlee's quickie marriage, and Ashlee is totally blown away that Sean doesn't see her as Damaged Goods. This makes me sad. It also makes me think that Ashlee needs to raise her standards. But never mind. Ashlee is totally won over by Sean's acceptance of a relationship she had 15 years ago. So won over, in fact, that she gets up on her chair, at dinner, and begins yelling about how much she loves him. Fortunately, these two are having dinner alone on the beach, so only Sean and Ashlee and the camera crew and you and I can witness how truly bizarre this is. Is this typical third-date behavior from Ashlee? I imagine she gets kicked out of a lot of restaurants. 

Oh! And at some point Ashlee warns Sean about TIERRA. How she is like, NOT NICE to the other girls. Specifics or her not-niceness are given, like apparently she... doesn't want to sit with the other girls? Man, TIERRA sounds awful. 

Speaking of TIERRA! At long last, TIERRA gets a one-on-one date, but the time she and Sean spend wandering around the town and buying shit is overshadowed by her enmity with the other girls. Sean asks TIERRA why she doesn't get along with the other girls, because this shit is serious and this woman could be Sean's WIFE, and clearly we do not want Sean to be married to someone who does horrible things like SITTING BY HERSELF. TIERRA says that she's been trying to be nice to the other girls, but they keep doing things and not including her. It's hard to know whose side to be on here. Signs point to TIERRA not being terribly good at 'being nice', but it doesn't really help that whenever they talk about TIERRA, all the other ladies come across like bitchy mean girls. 

TIERRA doesn't understand why they have to spend all this time talking about the other girls, since none of  this will matter when she and Sean ride off into the sunset together. If she finds out who threw her under the bus, she will bring them a pointy reckoning. That's some foreshadowing for you. Dun dun dunhhh. 

So then it's time for Sean to go on an island road trip with the three women he already knows he really likes, who all unfortunately get trundled into one kinda lame group date. First Sean wakes up the ladies to see what they look like without makeup, which is asinine, and then there is a sunrise, like, awww, and then there is driving around and looking at things, and then there is making out on the beach.

Sean and Lindsay reflect together on how like, two weeks ago, she was a crazy girl in a wedding dress, and now she is just crazy. But Sean likes that, because then they make out on the beach. I think Lindsay is the one to win this thing. Just a hunch. 

Now it is time for shit to get real. Catherine tells Sean about how her father attempted suicide when she was 14. She still talks to him, but he won't be there on the hometown date. Sean is very sweet and supportive. But he also says this: "It says a lot about you, because I never sensed once that you had this strained relationship with your dad." I'm not sure what to make of this. Does Sean think that everyone who comes from a less than perfect family is deeply disturbed? He did dump poor Lesley pretty much right after she told him her parents were divorced. 

Des starts crying about not getting to spend enough time with Sean, because this show makes people crazy. Her family is everything to her. She really really wants Sean to meet them. It's huge for her to bring someone home, which is why she is totally cool bringing home this guy who currently has five other girlfriends. 

Speaking of Sean's girlfriends! Everyone settles down under a... giant coconut? so Sean can tell them how much he enjoyed the date. There are no three other girls that he would rather have spent today with. Aww, how sweet! Also, Sean says this on every date. Also, figuring out who to give the date rose to is the hardest decision he's made yet. He says that every time he gives out a rose. Everyone troops off to go see the sunset together, but there is no sunset. That's like a metaphor for this whole show. There is no sunset. 

What happens on Lesley's date? Big fat nothing. I think they kiss, a little, and then Lesley and Sean sit on a blanket and she's going to tell him that she's Falling For Him, which is one of the important stages of Bachelor Love, but then... she doesn't. And I think they go pick more fruit. And... that's it. What, no awkward dinner conversation? No candlelit evening in a dungeon or castle? C'mon, guys! Why do you think I watch this show?

So then Sean stands on a deck and looks out at the sea and agonizes over his decision, but because watching someone think, even someone as hot as Sean, is hella boring, the producers have brought in Sean's sister Shay to talk things over. Shay is the one who signed him up for this ridiculous show to begin with, so she has a lot to explain. Shay wants Sean to pick a girl who he knows really likes him, so he won't wind up hurt at the end. Apparently, the women being hurt is collateral damage, but Sean being hurt? Must not happen. So I guess this means pick the crazy girl standing on the chair yelling. Well, they're all crazy. But this is still terrible advice. 

The one girl Sean is not so sure about is TIERRA. Conveniently, cut to TIERRA, hanging out at the ladies' house, about to have it out with AshleE. TIERRA accuses ASHlee of having 'sabotaged' her date with Sean, and AshlEe is all indignant, which is funny because that is kind of TOTALLY WHAT HAPPENED. But TIERRA is also not being so nice. She would like to remind AShlee that AsHlee is 32, and she, TIERRA, is 24, so they should not be having this conversation. Lol whut?

So TIERRA's all like, whycome you guys don't like me, and AsHlee provides some concrete examples: she's tried to start conversations with TIERRA and TIERRA just ignored her. Also, there was some issue with a raised eyebrow? This sends TIERRA over the edge. She CAN'T CONTROL HER EYEBROW, dammit. How dare AshLEE bring her gimp eyebrow into all this? That is a LOW BLOW, but not as low as the crack TIERRA makes about AshLEe's botox. Damn. Burn. 

Ashlee mentions that TIERRA said her parents were worried about her not getting along with the other girls, what with her out of control face and everything, but according to TIERRA that is TOTALLY NOT WHAT THEY SAID. What they said was: YOU HAVE A SPARKLE. Don't let those other girls take your sparkle away. TIERRA's lot in life is a tough one. All her life other girls have hated her because they are jealous of her SPARKLE. Also because she apparently gives bitchy looks all the time. But she can't help that shit! It's just her FACE. 

OUT OF CONTROL. 

Sean thinks it would be a great idea to introduce TIERRA to his sister, so she can see for herself what she's like. Yes! Great idea! The sounds of a conflagration escalate as Sean walks to the ladies' villa. This is gonna be great. 

Sean arrives at the villa. TIERRA cries. The other women sit bitchily in the living room. Sean looks on helpfully. But also a little bit wearily. He thinks that if TIERRA is having such a rough time, maybe it would be better for her to go home. Translation: I know it is not going to happen with us. The producers have asked me to do it this way so I will continue to look like a Nice Guy. 

"I hope the girls got what they wanted," sobs Tierra in the van of shame. Sean returns to sister Shay. He just didn't want to hurt Tierra any more. Also he has five other girlfriends who are way less work. 

Cocktail party! Except there's not gonna be a cocktail party, cuz Sean has already MADE HIS DECISION. ashLEe is a little freaked out, since Sean just eliminated TIERRA cuz he doesn't like drama, and she was like, 50 percent of the drama. Rose ceremony!

Wedding dress Lindsay already has a rose. The other three roses go to:

Des

Catherine

LAST ROSE TONIGHT. 3 minus two is one. Chris, where would we be without you?

And the last rose goes to...

ASHLEE. 

"This rose means... I can trust. I can't describe the overwhelming love that I have for him. This is my husband." Whoa, AShlEE. Whoa. 

Lesley is bummed about going home. Catherine is even more bummed about Lesley going home, because Lesley had more in common with Sean. If Sean doesn't what Lesley, WHAT DOES HE WANT? This shit is the problem with all your girlfriends being best friends. And next week! Sean meets everyone's family! And there's a fist fight? I can't wait. 

Sean Episode 5: DOUBLE HEADER.

Oh my gosh, are you ready for this? A Bachelor DOUBLE HEADER. That is a whole shitload of Bachelor. I'm tired just thinking about it, but I am, as we speak, fortifying myself with red wine. I will do this, loyal readers. For you. Drinking game is locked and loaded. Actually, let's scrap the drinking game and just take a drink whenever someone talks about TIERRA. Since I think this is a show about her. May the best liver win!

This episode's dates are set in MONTANA, the most romantic place in the whole universe! Actually, I have been there, and it is very pretty, but 'romantic' might be stretching it a bit. But anyway! YAY MONTANA. 

The first date card is for wedding dress Lindsay, who cries a little, a sure sign that she may be taking this a little too seriously. Sean takes Lindsay out in a helicopter, you know, as you do, and Lindsay thinks holding hands with Sean in a helicopter while flying over snowcapped mountains feels 'real', demonstrating a less than clear understanding of the word 'real'. 

After the helicopter ride, these two dolts hang out in front of a fire in like, their own mountain lodge somewhere, which is even realer, and chitchat about their families, which you guys should know by now is what really gets Sean in the mood. There's something I can't quite put my finger on about Lindsay's voice that irks me, like maybe she's kind of babyvoicing it all the time, but I hate to nitpick because she seems like a nice enough kid, and also Sean seems to be digging it, because this:

So Lindsay gets the rose, duh, and Sean thinks she would make such an incredible Wife (drink!), and then they make out some more. And then there's a SURPRISE! What is it? A hot tub? No, because I guess that would make Sean look too slutty. Instead, it's a concert by...Sarah Darling? Yeah!!! Sarah Darling! Lindsay and Sean dance awkwardly on a platform in front of a bunch of people, and she says it's a 'dream come true'. This girl has some weird-ass dreams. 

Group Date! There are like 15 girls on this group date. I don't even know, because it's way more like summer camp than like a date. Case in point: everyone has been divided up into the blue team, and the red team, to compete with each other in canoeing, and archery, and basketweaving, and goat milking, and log sawing, and other like, outdoorsy shit, for the love of Sean, the hot counselor. The winning team will get time with Sean, and the losing team will go back to the lodge. TO DIE. No, I made up the death part. But it's that urgent. True love. TRUE LOVE is on the line. 

The competition opens with canoeing. Remember the roller derby where nobody could skate? Well, this is like that, but about 10 times worse. Nobody can canoe. Is canoeing...hard? Look, I'm no Pochohantas, but even I understand that if you both paddle on the same side of the boat, the boat turns. Same side, straight ahead. Right? But not in the Bachelorverse, where canoeing is a strange and incomprehensible art. The red team quickly falls behind, because their canoeing skills are even more remedial than those of the blue team, but then the blue team falls behind because the bales of hay they are supposed to carry fall apart. Um... what? This shit is rigged. 

Then there is a log-cutting competition, and it's like, The Bachelor: Lumberjack edition, and that would be a way better show than this one. Then there is a GOAT MILKING competition, and it's like, the Bachelor: GOAT MILKING edition, and that would also be a way better show than this one. "Des, get the right nipple!" yells someone, urgently. You just know the team of minions responsible for editing this show had a memo something along the lines of "KEEP ANYTHING WITH THE WORLD NIPPPLE." 

Turns out, Des has a way with goat-milking, which she totally could've turned into a lucrative career 100 years ago, and then post goat-milking she has to drink the goat milk, like, indignity of all indignities, but it is totally worth it because the red team WINS. They win eternal glory and Bachelor honor, and also the right to spend the evening with SEAN. YAY. 

BUT...

The red team has barely had the chance to savor their success when Sean decides that he is like, too magnanimous to let the blue team feel left out. One of these women could be his WIFE! How could he let this stupid competition get in the way of true love? Oh, I don't know. Maybe because it is part of another stupid competition? But never mind that! Sean is taking this SERIOUSLY, and also he is Rogue Bachelor and he is Bending The Rules. Sean sends Chris Harrison back to the lodge to recall the rejected ladies of the blue team. Hooray! What a wise and courageous decision on the part of SEAN! YAY SEAN. 

The rejected ladies happily troop back from exile, but the ladies of the red team are not so pleased. This is NOT FAIR. They drank goat's milk, dammit. They are not gonna take this lying down. But it doesn't even matter, because TIERRA has realized that now is the time to continue her reign of tierror. (That's an original. It's true, I'm the best.) TIERRA troops over to the bar where the date is going down, irregardless of the fact that she neither won or lost at the goat's milk drinking competition, because she like, DESERVES some time with Sean. Or something?

When TIERRA arrives, Sean is, conveniently, engaged in some sort of awkward expository conversation ("How did you feel when the ladies of the blue team walked into the room?" "When the ladies of the blue team walked into them room, I was excited to see them!") with one of the producers. TIERRA walks up and 'surprises' him, and they go outside and talk about how she like, wants more attention or something, and all the while Sean has that faintly bemused smile that makes me like him a whole lot more, like he's thinking of how ridiculous this shit is but also how much he's getting paid. 

Somehow, Sean manages to talk TIERRA off the ledge, and she feels better, and they kiss, and Sean is like, can't wait to see you tomorrow! Also, sorry you're insane. 

Perhaps exhausted by the emotional calisthenics required to calm the storm that is TIERRA, Sean returns to the party and steals Catherine away for some surreptitious makin out. Believe me, there is something going on with these two. Even Daniella senses it - when she goes outside to steal Sean away for herself, she sees Catherine sitting in his lap and decides to leave these two alone. It's a very decent thing to do, and unfortunately results in Daniella almost immediately having a near-breakdown. Finally she gets some time with Sean, and explains to him, helpfully, how seeing how your boyfriend has 11 other girlfriends can really shake your sanity, and he's all sweet and understanding about all the other women he's making out with, and then he makes out with her, because Sean doesn't want anyone to feel left out, and everything is better, I guess. Oh, and Daniella gets the date rose (just like crazy TIERRA did with her histrionics last week). So basically, crying = date rose. Sometimes Sean seems less like everybody's boyfriend and more like everybody's cool babysitter. 

Speaking of things that are totally absurd! It is time for the dreaded TWO ON ONE date. Which, of course, is Tierra vs.... somebody. Actually, it's Tierra vs. Jackie, an auburn-haired beauty who is ostensibly the sweetest girl in the house, but who I swear I have never seen before now. We all want TIERRA to go home, naturally, because she is awful, but probably it's poor Jackie who's getting the axe, because TIERRA gets higher billing. Oh! And on the date card, of course, Chris Harrison has penned that immortal poem:

TWO WOMEN, ONE ROSE

ON STAYS, ONE GOES. 

Lord Bryon could not top that shit. 

On the date! Everyone rides horses, and Jackie's horse is an asshole and keeps falling behind so Sean and TIERRA are riding horses next to each other, like on the front cover of some terrible romance novel, and we're all painfully reminded that two women and one translucent dude is possibly the most awkward setup for a date known to man. Then things get even MORE awkward, because they go to dinner, but nobody can bother to eat anything because it could be their LAST MEAL EVER, and TIERRA and Jackie voiceover awful things about each other, and Sean takes turns stealing each of them away for alone time, so the other girl has to just sit there all by her lonesome and stare at her half-eaten food. 

Then finally! It is time for Sean to make his decision, and he gives a speech that lasts for approximately my entire life about how much he respects each of these women, blah blah, blah blah blah, but we all know he will pick TIERRA because she is totally awful, and also because we've already seen her in the previews for next week's episode. Which is sloppy as hell, ABC. So Jackie goes home in tears, while TIERRA cackles maniacally and then stares at the rose until it spontaneously bursts into flames. Evil will always triumph over good, because good is dumb. 

Cocktail party! In which everyone tries to warn Sean off on TIERRA. Yeah, good luck with that one. Also: more stupid drama! Sean tries to get Des to tell him that she's pissed at him for keeping TIERRA over Jackie, but she won't come out and say it. Sean is worried that they're not as close anymore. Uhh...okay. 

Then Fleiss throws like, a TWIST our way, because TIERRA is the bad girl, right? But then we see all the ladies sitting around in a room, with Des talking about how Jackie was the sweetest girl in the house and how could Sean possibly send her home? Not-so-subtle implication being: TIERRA is a nightmare, and Sean is an idiot for not seeing this. TIERRA, naturally, gets up and leaves the room, and Des is like, what's going on with her? Weird, cuz I love sitting in a room while people say bitchy things about me.

Robyn and DC Leslie (and maybe Catherine? Catherine a little, and also a giant stuffed bear, although the bear does not say anything) decide to confront TIERRA. This goes about as well as you would imagine a confrontation going where one woman is cornered by three other girls and a giant ursine mammal. It does not help that nothing TIERRA says makes any sense. "When I walk into a room, the looks at each other? The looks at each other need to stop." Okay, when TIERRA's in the room, nobody look at anybody. Got it. Everyone is basically at an impasse. Everyone holds a drink bitchily. 

Sean paces around moodily in front of a fireplace. I just keep hoping that this is over, and then is it still not over. Sean pulls DC Lesley aside, hoping to get to the bottom of the TIERRA ridiculousness. What EXACTLY does everyone object to about TIERRA? DC Lesley spells it out: basically, TIERRA is a cold bitch when Sean's not around. But Sean's still all pissy because he wants SPECIFICS about Tierra's awfulness. Like what? She kicks puppies? Eats pickled babies for breakfast?

Then Chris Harrison comes, banging on his wineglass, and it is sweet music to my weary ears. Save me, Chris. Save me. 

But wait! Now Chris and Sean are having a heart-to-heart about the DIFFICULT DECISIONS he is about to make. Wait, about what? Doesn't TIERRA already have a rose? Can Sean TAKE AWAY HER ROSE? No, not even Sean can do that. I know he is dashing and blonde and BREAKS THE RULES, but if a rose cannot guarantee immunity, the very foundations of the Bachelor universe will crumble. 

So this whole conversation is stupid. Sean isn't sure his Wife is here. (Drink!) This was a bad week blah blah blah. Whatever, Sean. Rose ceremony! Lindsay, Daniella, and TIERRA the succubus already have roses. So the rest go to:

Selma

Catherine

DC Lesley

ASHLEe

Sarah

aaaand...

Des!

So Robyn is going home. The bear grins maniacally. In the limo, Robyn hides her face in her hands, but we see nary a tear. Is it possible that she's less than heartbroken at the thought of leaving Sean? Attagirl, Robyn. I always knew I liked you. 

It's overrrr! No, wait. Haha!!! You wish!! Voiceover dude would like to remind us that there is two more hours of this crap, because this week marks a back-to-back, two-night Bachelor MARATHON. And it's going to be every bit as ugly, and gut-wrenching, and exhausting, as an actual marathon. Kill me. 

This week, Sean has taken the ladies to the most romantic place in the world to fall in love... Canada!!!! Banff National park, specifically. The ladies are in near-hysterics over how pretty is it. I can't believe I'm still watching this. 

The first date is for Catherine, Sean's secret makeout buddy. Today's date is...playing on a glacier! Catherine opines that Sean seems 'in his element' out in the snow, probably because he blends in exceptionally well with things that are all white. 

When they're done playing in the snow, Sean and Catherine get all dolled up and go to...their very own private Ice Castle. Seriously, guys. Ice. Castle. A CASTLE. Made of ICE. Just for them. Thanks to the assholes who make this show, any date Catherine goes on from now on will be a huge disappointment. They snuggle under furs, and there's like, a ROSE FROZEN INTO A BLOCK OF ICE, like, I'm sure some ABC intern somewhere is really patting themselves on the back for that one. 

Holy shit, this is getting real. Catherine tells Sean how, at summer camp when she was 12 years old, she was hiking with a friend when a tree fell on her friend and killed her instantly. Yikes. This made Catherine understand that she wants to live life to the fullest. Sean respects this outlook, so he gives her the rose, and then they make out on their fur-covered Ikea Klippan sofa. Ah, love. 

Group date! With all those bimbos not going on the one-on-one dates, I guess. The first part of the group date is...canoeing! Way to make the girl with one arm paddle a canoe, you assholes. (And wasn't there canoeing last week? Enough with the canoeing. I mean it. Anybody want a peanut?) And if that wasn't bad enough, the second part of the date involves jumping into the freezing cold water of Lake Louise. The women look less than thrilled about this, with the exception of Lindsay, who seems genuinely psyched about freezing her ass off. ("This is like, a memory to remember and not ever forget!" That's a direct Lindsay quote, you guys. I can't make this shit up.) Sean assure the women that this activity (known 'polar bear diving' or some such) is like, totally safe! Canadians do it on dates all the time! But there's still an EMT and a lifeguard around. You know, just in case. 

Tierra is not down with this. She thinks she might DIE. OMINOUS MUSIC. 

But they all go for it. (Except for Selma, showing some semblance of sanity.) Because LOVE is like taking a plunge into freezing cold water. Or something. It is an amazing memory to remember and not ever forget.  

Everyone runs and jumps into the water. Emerging from the freezing lake, everyone feels more alive and incredibly invigorated, except that they maybe can't feel their extremities. Everyone, that is, except for TIERRA, who has suddenly come down with a nasty case of hypothermia. Or a nasty case of hypochondria, if you believe the other women. Feelings go from "holy shit is Tierra okay?" to "holy shit this crap AGAIN" in about two minutes of Bachelor airtime. 

At the polar-bear diving after party, eveyone toasts to what an awesome day it's been. Except, you know, for the part where Tierra nearly died. Sean and Lesley have this amazingly stilted conversation about how she's like, maybe possibly beginning the process of starting to fall in love with him, and Sean, by way of response, tells her that he's so glad she's there and that he appreciates her so much and 'loves her energy'. That is exactly what you want to hear... from your summer camp counselor. But then they make out, so I guess everything is saved through the magic power of Sean's tongue. 

The next akward run-in is with one-arm Sarah, who has brought a bunch of adorable pictures from growing up. Of course they are adorable, and Sean oohs and ahs over them, but privately he says that Sarah talking about meeting her family is a 'reality check'. uh-oh. 

Speaking of reality checks, here's TIERRA, who has survived her brush with death and is going to go to that party to claim her man. Of course, when she walks in, all the other girls are talking shit about her and it is like, massively awkward. Sean sweeps in to claim TIERRA and like, congratulate her on being alive or something, while all the other girls return to their snark. "Everybody watch your back. We have a Tierra-ist on our hands," says Lesley. Lesley. Let's go for drinks and make bad puns together. We are soulmates. 

Sean talks to TIERRA about like, whether she would want a proposal at the end of this, or something, but I'm pretty sure it's all smoke and mirrors because the one he can't wait to suck face with is wedding dress Lindsay. Yowza. But then at the end of it all, the camper of the day award goes to... Lesley! Tierra is pissed. SHE ALMOST DIED, DAMMIT. 

Everyone goes back to their rooms. But then, in a SHOCKING turn of events, Sean pops back in on the ladies to issue a very special rejection. He just doesn't see a forever with Sarah, he says, and he'd rather send her home now than have her suffer through another moment of this bullshit. Sarah reluctlantly agrees. "It's totally okay, she says, even though it's totally not. In the limo, Sarah cries and rambles inarticulately. I would like to give her a hug. 

Next! Des gets a second one-on-one date, which is like totally not fair. Sean and Des are walking in the mountains and everything is peaceful and lovely and great, which is probably a sign that the evil Bachelor geniuses have something up their sleeve. Sure enough...it is time for some death-defying stunts and heavy-handed relationship metaphors! Sean and Des rappel down a mountain, but the really important thing here is how climbing down a sheer rock face is like LOVE. Relationships, Sean says, are about taking a chance and like, stepping outside your comfort zone. UGH STOP. 

To no one's surprise, Sean and Des survive the mountain, which is followed by a vapid picnic, and then tree-climbing, which is actually pretty cute and maybe even mildly spontaneous. They're both impressed with each others' tree-climbing skills, but what I'm really impressed with is the guy who climbed the tree with a camera in his hands.

Then they stand in the tree and shout at this moose, who is like, wtf, I hate this show. 

Night falls, and sean and des hang out in front of a cozy fire in a freaking teepee, like howcome none of my dates are like this? Then Des lays one on Sean: when she was growing up, her family was really poor. So poor that they sometimes actually lived in a tent. But it was okay, Des goes on to say, because things turned out all right, and her family was really close through the whole thing. Talking about your family like sweet music to sean's ears, so Des gets the rose. and a healthy does of this:

Cocktail party!!! Almost done, you guys. Almost. Done. 

Hey guess what?? Everyone hates TIERRA. Everyone talks about how much everyone hates TIERRA. Drink drink drink drink drink drink driiiink. This is a great game. TIERRA is wearing a fur vest. I think it is the fur of an animal she killed and skinned with her bare hands, because she is EVIL. Evil and FABULOUS. 

Elsewhere, Selma, the hot one whose conservative Iranian family will freak the hell out if she kisses anyone on national TV, has decided to throw caution to the wind. She and Sean share a sweet kiss. Sorry mom and dad!

Speaking of kissing! Here's Lindsay, who insists that Sean not kiss her. This shit is serious! They need to get to know each other. She starts asking Sean questions, but all the while her face is about four inches from his. Non-kissing fail! So then they talk some more, and then, of course, this happens:

It's pretty cute. Nice to see Sean put his back into it a little. 

Next up: AshLEE. She has trouble 'relinquishing control' to Sean. So she has brought... a blindfold? So Sean can... blindfold her? And like, be the leader, and carry her around, and then set her on a couch, and then kiss her, and I think it's supposed to be sexy? But I'm actually kinda icked out by it. I think this is one of the most deeply heartfelt and deeply disturbing things I've seen on the Bachelor in a while, because I think AshLee is actually really into it, and it speaks volumes about the way these people think about relationships. Darn you, show. Darn you for making me actually think. 

But fortunately this is almost over. I'm gonna make it! ROSE CEREMONY. Catherine, Lesley, and Des already have roses. And the other roses go to...

Lindsay

AShlee

Oh hai, thanks Chris. 

Final rose goes to...

TIERRA. I guess it pays to be EVIL. Chris comes back and is all like, Selma, Daniella, sorry you weren't awful enough to make the production decide to keep you for another week. See you on Bachelor Pad! 

Both Selma and Daniella are super sad, but it's hard to believe that either of these incredibly beautiful women will have any trouble finding love. Hugs, girls! You were meant for someone with more skin pigmentation. 

Inside! Sean congratulates the remaining members of his harem. "I knew that...you six were the six for me." Sweeter words have never been spoken. Until next week, my friends.