Emily Episode 3: Love in the Fast Lane.

Tonight! Emily and race car Arie are on the fast track to love, while single dad Tony is on the fast track to an emotional breakdown. Several of the other guys turn out to be douches, while Emily turns out to be - surprise! - pretty likable. And Dolly Parton is there!

Seriously, Dolly Parton. 

The morning dawns clear and bright in Chahhhlotte, North Carolina. Chris Harrison is looking a little off his game, but he manages to do a passable job of explaining the rules, lest some hapless fool stumble across this show by mistake and become hopelessly confused by its many twists and turns. The first date goes to Chris, best known for showing up at the first rose ceremony with bobbleheads of himself and Emily. (Seriously.) Chris confuses me. I think he is technically hot, but every time I see him on screen I just get a sleazy vibe. I think I've figured it out, though. I think it's that Chris has tiny eyes, which make him look perpetually drunk. 

Nancy Mitchell, explainer of mysteries. 

So drunkeye and Emily are just walking around Chahhhhlotte, having a grand old time, but you know the ABC producers are not going to leave it at that. Sure enough, this date involves a time-honored Bachelor pastime - climbing up the side of a building! Chris sees this as a fitting opportunity to honor another Bachelor tradition: making stupid-ass metaphors between extreme sports and TRUE LOVE. 

"Climbing a building is definitely...like love. You gotta start somewhere, and we're starting at the bottom. We're gonna work our way up, and uh...we'll end up at the top."

Damn. 

Drunkeye and Emily begin the ascent. Crowds gather, a storm blows up, Emily has a near-breakdown, metaphors are made, everyone survives. "Thanks for not ditching me," Emily says, conveniently forgetting that the only alternative to sticking around with her would be FALLING OFF THE SIDE OF A BUILDING. 

During dinner, Emily finds out that Chris is 25, and she is SHOCKED. This could be a red flag. Um...what? Aren't you like, 26? Emily is worried that Chris is not ready to be a dad. 

Cut to the manse, where single dad Tony is one the phone with his wee son. He misses him so much. FORESHADOWING. 

Back on the roof! Drunkeye Chris assures Emily that he wants to fall in love, and that he is here for her. Also, he may be 25, he says, but he is a man. Emily is convinced. Drunkeye gets the rose, and then there's Luke Bryan, and he gives them a private concert of the streets of Charlotte, and they dance and kiss and a bunch of people cheer, and Chris says it is the best moment of his life. Normally, I would find this deeply sad, but Drunkeye is all hopped up on adrenaline and wine and country music and tiny blonde Emily's tiny blonde kisses, so we'll give him a pass. 

So then there's a group date with like, a billion dudes, as you do, and the date card says, "Let's Play", and for a while the guys hang out at a park and throw a football, but it's all a cruel deception because the REAL date is getting grilled by Emily's girl friends, who are hiding out at the park, waiting to spring upon the unsuspecting bachelors at any moment. The ladies ask some tough questions, like, "are you ready to be a dad?", and, "what is up with the guy with the egg?" 

Pink Sean wins real points by talking about his dad and his faith. Then he wins even more points by taking off his shirt and doing push-ups. Pink Sean is a pink shirtless hulk. 

Now that the interrogation is over, it's time for a further test of the bachelors' dad-worthiness. Somewhere, an ABC intern has assembled a van full of children, and they are all unleashed upon the bachelors in a screaming horde. These kids look waaaay too excited to be playing with some random dudes, which makes me think they must have been promised money. Or popsicles. Or maybe a playstation. Everyone passes the test, I guess, by not being totally repulsed by the children. Hooray!

Ryan sneaks off to spend some alone time with Emily, but he is foiled by the girl friends, who ask him the hardest question of all: would you still love Emily if she got fat? "No," says Ryan. 

Damn. 

While Emily's friends murder him with their eyes, Ryan attempts to explain: "I would still love you, I just might not love on you as much." Emily kinda thinks this is bullshit. I might be starting to like her. 

At the PLAYGROUND INTERROGATION WRAP PARTY: Emily and pink Sean have some alone time. Pink Sean is ready to have a relationship like his parents' relationship. Single dad Doug's mother left him, and his dad died, and then he grew up in foster care. This is some serious stuff. 

Unfortunately, none of the dudes can really focus on the business of macking on their mutual girlfriend, because poor single dad Tony is so sad he can barely function. Single dad Doug assures Tony that his son has an attention span of approximately 7.5 seconds and will barely remember that he was gone, but Tony is unconvinced. No consoling words can reach him in his abyss of sadness. Is finding love even worth it?

Single dad Tony calls his son. The kid sounds pretty okay to me, but even after hanging up, Tony stares at his phone with a sorrow that words cannot reach. Into this mire of emotion walks Emily, totally not prodded by the producers. "Tony? What's wrong?" she asks. Tony pours out his heart to her. Emily understands how he feels. She missed Ricki a lot during Brad's season, and, she says, if Brad had known for one minute that she wasn't The One, she would have wanted him to let her go. With that said, Emily is not 100% sure about her feelings for Tony, and she feels she needs to send him on his way. Emily is so kind and gracious about this rejection that I'm not even sure she's rejecting him until we see him stepping into the cab. (What, no limo?) Emily may not have been my first choice for this season, but this? This is classy. Respect. 

Emily explains to the assembled clusterchump that she sent Tony home so he could be with his son, and they are all like, serious, and they understand. Puffy hair Ryan and the WOLF are wearing identical lavender shirts. Date rose goes to...pink Sean! Ryan and his increasingly douchey facial hair are concerned...but not that concerned. He's confident he's going to be around for a long time.

John WOLF: Dude, I thought we agreed lavender is MY thing. 

Next up! Emily and race car Arie go to Dollywood, which is like Astroworld, but with more country kitsch and less people. (Oh, and uh, still open.) Arie passes the amusement-park test, I guess, by riding a roller coaster and playing darts, and Emily decides he "might have a little country in 'im." Speaking of country...race car and Emily go to the stage where Dolly Parton performs, where they find a piece of paper with the words "write a love song". Oh. no. 

Emily and Arie's song blows. It goes something like this: 

Roses are red

Violets are blue

This show is stupid

This song is, too. 

No, actually, their song was worse than that. 

While they are engrossed in writing their terrible song, who should appear on the stage but Dolly Parton herself. Suddenly we are confronted with that holy grail of reality television...genuine emotion. Dolly Parton is like, Emily's idol. "I could die. I could dieee", says Emily, approximately 4,000 times. I've never seen Emily look at anyone like she looks at Dolly. Dolly Parton, will you accept this rose?

Dolly sends Arie away so she and Emily can have a little heart-to-heart. Dolly tells Emily she hopes she finds true love, and then plays for Emily and race car a song she wrote for her husband of 47 years. Arie and Emily slow-dance while Emily gazes, enraptured...at Dolly Parton. Or maybe at Dolly's giant, sparkly boobs. Dolly thinks Emily and Arie have a little somethin goin on. We'll see about that. 

Emily and Arie have dinner and talk about some serious stuff. Like: Arie's ex-girlfriend, who had two kids. He was ready, he said, to have more children with her, but she wasn't, and things kinda fell apart. That's when Arie brings up....BRAD. "I don't know if Brad was quited ready for...marriage, and babies, as much as he said he was." Emily wants to know if race car Arie is ready for this. Arie is so ready. Emily picks up the date rose. Arie is so brave, and so fun, BUT...

Arie is sweating bullets. 

But it's all a joke! Emily, you're such a ham. Arie gets the date rose after all. WHEW. 

Now that that's over with, these two crazy kids can make out on a carousel. HOT. 

Back to reality, which is that Emily has to eliminate two more of these losers before this farce is over. At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party: Kalon's hipster glasses and Ryan's newly douchey facial hair are filling me with rage. Emily pulls "Kalon" aside for some alone time. Emily compliments "Kalon" on his glasses, which is great opportunity for "Kalon" to act like a whiny bitch about not getting a date this week. Apparently he has been hanging around the house all week, contemplating frames. Maybe he could've picked a pair that made me want to murder him a little bit less. 

"Kalon" likes to talk a lot. At some point in a conversation about whether or not "Kalon" is willing to accept Ricki as part of his life, Emily attempts to say something, and he interrupts her with this gem: "I love it when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish." Emily calls "Kalon" a gentleman, but I think what she means by this is "creepy, controlling sack of crap". With ugly glasses. 

Travis, having been convinced by Emily's friends that the egg is a dumbass idea, is ready to let it go. While Travis watches, Emily SMASHES THE EGG on the perfectly-watered driveway in front of the house. Wait...doesn't this egg represent like, Travis' willingness to love and care for Emily and Ricki? If so, this does not bode well for Travis' ability to commit. He could've at least made an omlette. 

The dudes have a toast. To Shelley! (Shelley is the egg's name, naturally.) I guess they do have a little personality, after all. 

Meanwhile! Emily has a chat with Alessandro, who has the worst hair and the worst word choice ever. He keeps saying, over and over, that he sees being with a woman who has a child as a "compromise", and I think he means "sacrifice", because marriage means making sacrifices for the other person, but that is like, kind of realistic and not romantic at all, and apparently Alessandro has not seen this show before and does not realize that realism has no place in reality tv. Before you can say "language barrier", Portuguese Alessandro the grain merchant is in a limo on his way home. 

The trauma of sending Alessandro home sends Emily straight into the welcoming arms of race car Arie. They make out, and all the other boyfriends are jealous. Especially puffy hair Ryan, who doesn't understand why Emily would want to make out with "dainty" Arie and not a big, strong, manly man like himself. By "dainty", I think Ryan means anyone whose neck has a smaller circumference than his head. 

Sorry, Ryan. I used to like you. 

Emily and pink Sean have a pow-wow. He is ready to be a father. If he and Emily were to be together, he says, he would think of Ricki as his own daughter. Emily sees though Sean's hotness all the way to his kind, pink heart. He is so sweet. They make out, too. Emily would not want pink Sean to feel left out. 

Thus reassured, Emily summons the strength to move on to the rose ceremony. Since Alessandro was sent packing, only one guy will be going home broken-hearted. Will it be Stevie, aka DJ 90s? That one dude we have never heard of? Increasingly douchey Ryan? Or "Kalon" and his awful glasses? I am on the edge of my seat. 

Roses go to:

Anthony Michael Jef

head injury Charlie

single dad Doug

floppy hair Michael

Travis formerly of the egg

Alejandro the mushroom farmer

increasingly douchey Ryan

John WOLF

shiny, smarmy "Kalon" (seriously, look at this guy. don't you want to punch him?)

Chris makes his solemn pronouncement. FINAL ROSE. It is down to DJ 90s, and...some other guy. And the rose goes to...other guy! Goodbye DJ 90s. We hardly knew ye. 

Next week! Bermuda! Cliff jumping! Yachts! Fireworks! Actual fire! And DRAMA. Lots of DRAMA. Don't miss it.  

Emily Episode 2: The White Cardigan of Superiority.

Tonight, because I am a brave soul, I am actually going to do the drinking game I proposed in the very last installment. That is, every time Emily says the words 'thank you' or 'so sweet', I will take a sip. I have an entire bottle of champagne. It is possible I may need it. But! I have decided to make mimosas instead of drinking champagne, because: A. vitamin C is good for you, and B. I am not insane. 

So...cheers! Let the games begin. 

Hey, did you know this installment of the Bachelorette was being filmed in Charlotte, North Carolina? I neglected to mention this last time, which is maybe why ABC has decided to mention it to me 85,000 times in this episode. Emily meets up with some of her soccer mom friends. She is super nervous about her date tonight, she tells them. Just be yourself, they say. Yawn. 

Back at the manse, Chris tells all the dudes the rules of the game, like all these aspiring actors don't already know. The camera pans over the dudes' worried, hungover faces and I recognize exactly no one. Maybe I should just give up on telling these guys apart. 

And the first date goes to...puffy hair Ryan! Wait, I know who that is. Good call, Emily. "Kalon" is upset. Tough luck, "Kalon". 

Emily comes to pick up Ryan, and all the dudes are hanging out by the pool, which is the perfect opportunity for some gratuitous ab shots. Screenshotted for your pleasure:

You're welcome. 

Emily isn't sure about Ryan because he is incredibly good-looking, and Brad was good-looking and we know how that turned out. Yes, and Ryan and Brad also have many other things in common! Like they both have hair, and a nose, and two eyes! Clearly Ryan is not to be trusted. 

In the car, Ryan wonders if his date will involve cliff-diving or bridge-jumping or helicopters. It is much worse than that. Ryan's date is...wait for it...baking cookies! Ryan pretends to be excited. Ryan is not very good at pretending. 

After the thrill of cookie baking comes the thrill of cookie delivery! The cookies are for Ricki's soccer team. Emily makes Ryan wait in the car, because she is very protective of her daughter and only wants her to be seen by the ABC camera crew. 

Ryan likes this date, because it's like, real, or something, and now they are going to Chuck E. Cheese. Just kidding! Now they are going to get dressed to the nines and probably have a private concert, because being real is boring. 

Speaking of boring...this date. Soooo dull. Ryan could like, see himself in Emily's life, or something. And then they go to a private concert, but I barely care, except to feel vaguely smug about having JUST TOLD YOU, because this show is like the Show That Cried Private Concert, and having a private concert is about as boring by now as ziplining or cliff diving. Oh, and at some point Ryan and his puffy hair get the date rose. I'm sleepy. 

A bunch more of these guys whose names I can't be bothered to remember are selected to do some sort of theatrical performance, for Emily's benefit and the audience's utter mortification. No one can sing, no one can dance, the so-called comics' jokes are terrible, and head injury Charlie nearly has a nervous breakdown. It is only saved, somewhat, by the appearance of the Muppets. Not kidding, the Muppets. First I was happy, like, omg, someone on screen I like! Even if it is a stuffed frog. Then I was sad that the muppets have allowed themselves to be sullied by this terrible, terrible show, and then I saw Chris sitting in the balcony, playing one of the old curmudgeons who comment on things, and it was great because it was like the show was making a joke at its own expense and admitting that Chris Harrison is sort of worthless, and I was happy again. But only kind of.

Then Ricki was there, and they called her up on stage to SING WITH THE MUPPETS, only in her case it was more like 'nod shyly along with the Muppets', and Emily said this is a moment that Ricki will remember her whole life and all the dudes just about peed themselves because Emily is SUCH A GOOD MOM. Which, honestly, I think all the Ricki stuff on the show is kind of backfiring for me. I know it's supposed to remind us that Emily is sweet and caring and deep and wonderful, but it just ends up reminding me that she repeatedly allowed her daughter to be on this crapheap show. Eh. 

At the post-Muppet-show wrap party, Emily confronts Anthony Michael Jef. She's not sure he likes her. He hasn't talked to her enough. He makes her nervous. "I feel awkward. I feel like I'm in middle school." Maybe that's because you're dating a guy who rides a skateboard. But then! Jef and Emily have this really great conversation, which I can't understand because it's edited all weird. But you can tell it must have been good because they both pronounce it the Best Talk Ever, and all is forgiven. Jef seems unusually lucid, and I realize it is because he is not drunk, and then I realize why this show is better with girls. 

Back at the manse, it is raining, which is like a symbol of my despair that this show is not even half over yet, and a DATE CARD ARRIVES. Another reason this show is better with girls? Girls are way better at pretending to be excited about stuff like this. The date card is for manic Joe, and he is THRILLED, EXCITED, PUMPED. 

Back at the WRAP PARTY, Emily is slow dancing with DJ 90s, who looks...greasy. I gotta give this woman credit, she doesn't seem the least bit grossed out by him, which is a feat of acting or graciousness or both. Or maybe it's a sign that she doesn't like any of these chumps and is just biding her time. Head injury Charlie is unimpressed by DJ 90s' dance moves and leads the other dudes downstairs to mock him, while "Kalon" remains in his chair, ensconced in a white cardigan of superiority. He is Better Than This. I don't know if anyone on a reality show should be able to use that argument.

"Kalon" goes downstairs to cut in on DJ 90s, who looks angry and murderous and even more greasy. Emily tells "Kalon" that she was worried about where he was and why he wasn't talking to her, which I'm calling bullshit on because wasn't that pretty much exactly what she said to Jef? Kalon isn't used to having to compete for women, because back home, when he sees a pretty girl he just goes and talks to her, because apparently "Kalon" is some kind of god among men. Science teacher Aaron comes to steal Emily, and "Kalon" asks for "just two more minutes". Which is TOTALLY AGAINST THE RULES. 

I'm pretty sure "Kalon" is going to get TONS of shit for this. Sure enough..."Kalon" goes to cry his tears on the sensitive shoulder of Anthony Michael Jef, while an increasingly drunk and belligerent DJ 90s tries to pick a fight with him. All the other guys look bored as hell, because this is stupid. Seriously, I think the guy on the far right might be about to fall asleep.

And the date rose goes to...Anthony Michael Jef! I think I'm starting to like him. Jealous Chris is jealous. Lightning flashes behind some roses. Yawn. 

Joe date time! Emily thinks Joe looks like Matthew McConaughey, which might be a sign that she has no idea who Matthew McConaughey is. They go to the Greenbriar, in West Virginia. It is Fancy. 

Back at the Manse! Seattle Doug asks the guys if they are ready to step into a father role, and points out that this is a Big Responsibility. He and Tony (also a single dad), he says, are the only ones who can truly understand this. "Kalon" points out, accurately if obnoxiously, that both Tony and Seattle Doug left their kids...to go on a reality show. Immediately the mood darkens. OH NO YOU DIDN'T. It's never good for this show to be too self-aware. 

Seattle Doug is all like, "do you think I put being a dad on hold to be on this show? Come get a piece of me!", completely ignoring the fact that this is totally true. "Do you think Emily put being a mom on hold to be on this show?" asks Seattle Doug. Oooooh. Kalon sputters. Everyone feels awkward.

It is dinnertime at the Greenbriar. Emily likes Joe but she thinks there is 'no spark'. Kiss of death. Emily asks Joe where he wants to be in five years. Joe wants to be...happy. This is groundbreaking stuff.   He is ready to start a life with her. "What does that mean?" asks Emily. Joe is ready to pack up and follow her wherever she goes. Then they put wishes in a magic love-clock. The clock will make your wishes come true? Or something. Joe's wish is to come back here with Emily and Ricki. Emily's wish sounds like a fortune-cookie fortune. Something about being hopeful and confident. Just when I think the Joe date is going to turn a corner, Emily tells Joe that she doesn't see him in her life. Joe drives away as Emily leans over a balcony, which is a classic Bachelor metaphor for deep emotional distress.  

Cocktail party time! Time for some serious fast-forwarding. Race car Arie loves children. Emily tells him he makes her nervous. Hasn't she said that to every man here? Add Nervous to the list of drinking-game words and you are golden. And by 'golden', I mean, don't operate any heavy machinery. 

Single dad Tony goes to steal Emily from puffy hair Ryan. But! Puffy hair Ryan has written Emily a love note. A super long one. Like, seven pages. Front and back. Ryan insists that Emily read the whole damn thing while Tony is there watching. It is awful. 

Tony finally gets his day in the sun. He needs to tell Emily that he has a kid, because that will guarantee him at least one more episode. "Kalon" has some one-on-one time with Emily. Everyone hates Kalon. John WOLF, who we have not heard from all episode, tells us that if you have Louis Vuitton luggage, and you're a dude, you're a bleeeep. Hey, chill out, dude. "Kalon" is a 'luxury brands advisor'. Having Louis Vuitton luggage is practically his JOB. 

Floppy hair Michael looks hot with his hair pulled back. Here's Chris. Party's over! Emily has to send two guys home, and she really does not know who to cut. I can think of a few. 

At the rose ceremony: Emily: "Tonight was an interesting night. I know how long these nights can be." Me too, Emily. Me too. 

Roses go to:

-"Kalon"

-race car Arie

-floppy hair Michael

-Nate (who?)

-Sean the tall pink blonde from Dallas

-jealous Chris

-angry Seattle Doug

-Travis (but where is the egg? I see NO EGG. does the egg have a babysitter?)

-single dad Tony

-John WOLF

-Alessandro 

-head injury Charlie

-Alejandro

And the final rose (thanks, Chris) goes to...

DJ 90s. Emily has terrible taste. 

Science teacher Aaron and his Mies Van der Rohe glasses are terribly disappointed. I have no idea who Kyle is, but Kyle is also disappointed. Getting your heart broken, he says, is "the worst feeling in the world". Notice that he doesn't say he has just gotten his heart broken. I see your tricks, editing monkeys. 

Next up: Emily and race car Arie make out on a carousel! Emily meets Dolly Parton and displays way more emotion than she has with any of the guys. But then..things get dramatic. Lightning strikes. Emily BREAKS THE EGG. No joke. She BREAKS THE EGG. This is SERIOUS. Don't miss it. 

Emily Episode 1: It's BACK.

This is a Very Special season of the Bachelorette, because it is the Bachelorette: Southern Barbie edition. And also because it marks the return of MY BLOG. Emily has had her heart broken TWICE. The first time, her fiance died in a plane crash, which cannot be construed as ABC's fault, but the second time, she was blindsided by the demise of her engagement with Brad, which was entirely the fault of this crapheap show. Emily has come back to our televisions for a second chance at love, because some people never learn. 

Emily also had a daughter with fiance number one. Her image as the Bachelorette Madonna means that I will try (try!) to refrain from mocking her, so the dudes will feel the full force of my snarkery. We'll have fun. Let's meet the guys!

Our first bachelor is named 'Kalen'. He flies helicopters. He is from Houston, Texas, and he sucks. (Cue stream of emails from friends of "Kalen" defending "Kalen", because everyone in Houston knows each other. Anybody know this guy? Does he suck? He seems like he sucks.) Kalen used to be a womanizing jerk, but then he did some like, self-reflecting and decided to make a HUGE CHANGE and be a more responsible, down-to-earth guy and go on the Bachelorette. Yeah, that'll do it. 

Kalen strikes a self-reflecting pose on the balcony of a newish apartment complex. From the looks of it I'm guessing it is this one. Can anybody confirm? C'mon, I need some dirt on this guy. 

Ryan is from Georgia and used to be a pro football player. He has kinda puffy hair, but his accent slays me. 

Tony sells lumber for a living. His true passion is fitness. Tony looks like a total dud until we realize that he has an adorable 5-year-old son. Who has two thumbs and is gonna marry Emily? Someone who makes really, really terrible jokes.

LeRone lives in LA. He has large muscles and an inexplicably small dog.

David lives in New York and is a singer-songwriter unemployed. His hobbies include carrying a guitar through central park and writing songs about Emily upon which I will refrain from comment. Think like, Billy Joel. If Billy Joel were terrible. 

Charlie seems like a normal dude, BUT...last year he had a terrible accident where he was on a balcony that collapsed. Charlie, I'm glad you are okay. And I hope you sued the hell out of that lousy architect and contractor.

Jeff lives in Salt Lake City. People rarely take him seriously, because he is an adult who rides a skateboard and looks like Duckie from Pretty in Pink. I loved that movie. Duckie runs a bottled water company that donates some of its profits to build wells for impoverished people, so I am an asshole for making fun of him. 

Arie is a race car driver, just like Emily's dead fiance. That will go over well.

Commercial break! Now we are at the Bachelor mansion, only it is a different house this time, and that makes me both confused and upset. At least the smooth, ageless face of Chris Harrison will never change. Emily arrives. She is lovely but she is NERVOUS because she could meet her HUSBAND tonight. Emily and Chris have a heart-to-heart chat. SKIPPED. 

First dude out of the limo is Sean. He is from Dallas and entirely unremarkable. This does not bode well for this season. 

Next guy is David the unemployed. I realize he looks a little like John Stamos. Doug is from Seattle and has a perpetually worried/since expression. He also has an 11-year-old son. That will be good for at least two more episodes. Emily also looks worried/sincere,  so maybe they are perfect for each other. 

Jackson is a MODEL, and I'm secretly hoping for a reprise of last season's Courtney madness, because that was entertaining/terrible. Jackson gets on his knees and recites a poem. Please, I pray to the beneficent heavens, no poems. But he goes for it: 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take

But by the number of moments that take our breath away. 

Jackson read that on a Hallmark card in the airport on the way over here. 

Also, NEW DRINKING GAME: Take a drink every time Emily says "thank you" or "so sweet". Note that I am not responsible for damage to your internal organs.

Joe is next and he is ON. He is waving his hands around and totally excited and totally manic and totally freaking me out. Emily thanks him. Like four times. For being insane. 

Arie's intro does not include a mention of him being a race car driver like dead fiance. I'm predicting this will be a BIG REVEAL in episode 2 or 3. 

Aaron is a high school biology teacher, but he has CHEMISTRY with Emily. He looks vaguely like Ryan Gosling. "She Blinded Me With Science" would be playing over this portion, but ABC already blew the budget on champagne and helicopters. 

"Emily. You're real." says Alessandro dramatically, long hair flapping in his face. Get thee to a daytime soap, Alessandro. "You're real", retorts Emily. Ugh. 

Duckie, I mean Jeff, rides in on a skateboard behind the limo. I just noticed he only spells his name with one F. This is why people don't take you seriously, dude. 

Stevie comes in. He has a boombox, because he is a party MC, like the guy who tries to get everyone to do the limbo at your wedding. "I feel like I'm at a nightclub", says Emily. Seriously, a boombox? I feel like I'm in 1997. 

Tony the lumber seller has brought a glass slipper on a pillow. He is looking for his PRINCESS. 

This is deeply embarassing. 

Fortunately for me, there are like a million more guys left. In hobbles someone dressed in a terrible blue dress with a terrible wig and fake cane. Wait, is this making fun of the grandma who accompanied her daughter last season? Randy rips off the wig for a big reveal, Scooby-Doo style, but it is too late to avoid looking like a complete asshole. "Very creative," says Emily. "You stuck out in my mind". That's not a good thing. 

Here's John. His friends call him "Wolf", because he is a Data Destruction Specialist. I can only imagine that John participates in some sort of virtual demolition derby. 

Next up is Travis, and he is holding...an egg? I hope it screams like the one in Harry Potter. I want to scream. "This egg is a symbol of two beautiful people, and throughout this journey I will take care of this egg like I would take care of you and Ricki." Says Travis. The...hell?

Seriously, he said that. I can't make this shit up. That egg is a goner. "Thank you," says Emily. 

Emiliano is a mushroom farmer. What kind of mushrooms is not mentioned. He speaks to Emily in Spanish. "Me llamo Emily", says Emily. 

Ryan and his puffy hair have made some notes. When he goes to read his notes, one side says "You're so beautiful", and the other side says, "I'm so nervous". That is actually pretty cute. Was this penned by an ABC intern, or did Ryan make it on the fly in the limo? "So sweet", says Emily. "So sweet." Emily is my liver's sworn enemy. 

And the last guy is too damn good for limos, so he decides to arrive in a HELICOPTER. "It's Brad!", say the dudes. Worse. It is "Kalon". Told you he sucked.  "I'm sorry if I made you wait a few minutes for me. But I promise it's worth it", says "Kalon", like a DOUCHE. The dudes all hate him now, so I guess we have something in common.

"Emily! 25 incredible men!" sez Chris. So true, if by "incredible", you mean "mostly insane". Thus far we have:

-a douche with a helicopter

-a guy with a boombox

-a grownup who rides a skateboard

-manic Joe

-poetry model Jackson

and some dude with an EGG. 

It's not looking good. 

Emily gives a speech to the assembled clusterchump. Her previous experience on the show, she says, is proof that this process can work. Wait, did Emily see the same show I did? Isn't her previous experience proof that this show can break your heart and crush your dreams? Never mind, because everyone involved is already 2 1/2 sheets to the wind. 

Cut to a montage of all the dudes cutting in on other dudes to get time with Emily, because she is so HOT. Emily is surprised by her newfound popularity. "When I go to the grocery store, guys are not pulling me in 15 different sections of the grocery store." Weird, that always happens to me. 

Chris has created...a bobblehead of himself. That's kind of cute. He also has a bobblehead of Emily. That's kind of stalkery. "They've been through a lot together", he says. That's kind of actionable. Emily and Chris play dolls. See, it's a great idea, because Chris can use his doll to tell the Emily doll things he longs to say to her, in the deep secrety depths of his heart, like how he feels there is a Spark. "Chris is super hot and so thoughtful. I like him a lot", says Emily, instead of getting a restraining order. This show is set in a strange, strange universe that logic cannot touch. I should've already known that. 

Everyone thinks Travis' egg is weird, and that's saying a lot coming from a crowd that includes a guy who plays with dolls. Travis defends the egg. It's who he is. He's "goofy". At least, says Travis, having a freaking egg is better than having a helicopter and being RICH. 

Now it's time for some one-on-one time with Duckie and his bouffant hairstyle. Duckie makes Emily feel like a nerd. He has a 'cool vibe'. Oh, Emily. 

Seattle Doug's son wrote Emily a note. That, gentlemen. That is how you play the game. Right after that it is time for the appearance of the ominous FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE. Of course all the men start foaming at the mouth, which is a little ridiculous because there are still like, a bajillion more roses left, but everyone is on like, their sixth scotch or mojito or whatever at this point, and counting is a higher brain function. Everyone hates "Kalen" and hopes he doesn't get the rose. Kalen: "Some of the guys are a little hostile towards me, but at the same time, I'm kinda used to that." Have you ever thought it's cuz you're a BIG FAT JERK?

Now it is time for some STUPID MAN DRAMA! It goes kind of like this: "Kalen" is talking to Emily. Some other dude (maybe Sean? is there a Sean?) comes to steal her. Sean asks "Kalen" if he minds. Of course "Kalen" does mind, and he says so, but then he lets Emily go. LATER: DJ 90s confronts "Kalen" and accuses him of...actually, I don't know what he accuses him of. Not letting Emily go? Clearly, he just did this, as the viewers just witnessed. Speaking his mind? Ominous music is playing, but I am not fooled, Bachelor producers. Look, I dislike "Kalen" just as much as anybody, but this is the stupidest fight ever. Also, DJ 90s looks like a used car salesman.

Plays "Baby Got Back" at EVERY reception. 

Arie chooses this moment to break it to Emily that he is a race car driver. "I've raced cars since I was 14," he tells her. Also, 'race car' is a palindrome. Arie wants to know if Emily is okay with this. She is totally fine with it! Racing is her favorite sport! Also, Arie is totally fine. More non-drama. 

And the first impression rose goes to...Seattle Doug! But really to Seattle Doug's 11-year-old son. The other dudes are crushed. I don't know why, because immediately afterwards, Chris Harrison ambles in and halfheartedly bangs on his wineglass. Rose ceremony time! Chris shuffles off to collect his paycheck. 

Emily: "Coming into tonight, I was worried, like, I'm not gonna like any of these guys. And now, I'm worried, like, well hell, who I am gonna send home?" We're not buying that, honey. Half of these men are certifiably insane. 

Emily gives a speech. Thank you, hopeful, so sweet. Roses go to:

-bobblehead Chris

-puffy hair football Ryan

-"Kalon" (whose name I realize I have been spelling wrong this entire blog. take that, "Kalon"!)

-race car Arie

-head injury Charlie

-Anthony Michael Jef

-Nate (who?)

-Sean (there is a Sean!)

-manic Joe

-Kyle (who?)

-science teacher Aaron

-Alejannndro

-John WOLF

-Alessandro (wait, there's an Alejandro and an Alessandro? no way.)

-floppy hair Michael

-DJ 90s (whaaat?)

-Tony (who?)

aaaand....

ONE ROSE lingers on the table. Oh, hi Chris. 

THE FINAL ROSE goes to...EGG GUY!!! Completely shocked, he drops his egg. No, he doesn't. But it is still a dumbass idea. 

RoboChris, face set firmly on "sympathy", rolls out to tell the rest of the losers to say their goodbyes. Some guy named Brent is disappointed about not finding love. He has six kids. Look, I know that being a father is a tactical advantage in this game, but six? That's just overkill. 

Coming up this season! Everyone cries. Emily tells someone to 'get the F out'. And then she wanders around in the rain and says, "I will protect my family until the day I die". Wait, is this Bachelorette or Taken? Then there's true love, there's a carousel, there's...Dolly Parton? Whatcha wha?

Stay with me. I don't know if I can take this alone.