Emily Episode 11: Twooo Wuuuv

It's the episode we've all been waiting for! Emily's down to two of these doofuses, and she's going to decide which one will be her TRUE LOVE and which one will be the next Bachelor, and then Emily and her Chosen One will ride off into the sunset and get married and have a vanfull of babies, probably, and we won't have to watch this crap anymore. I admit that I watched most of this episode while doing more interesting stuff, like reading funny things on the internet, or shopping, or eating soup, or cutting my toenails. 

So Jef meets Emily's family, and they luuurve him. Sure, they ask him a bunch of so-called 'tough questions', but after a little bit of him yammering about how much he loves Emily, they pretty much eat him up with a spoon. Which you would think would make things pretty hard on poor Arie, but whaddayaknow, the Maynards just luuuuv Arie, too. Dad bestows his blessing on both dudes when they ask for Emily's hand. Fat lot of good these people are. So much for helping Emily make a decision or anything. (I should point out that this happens every season. Where's the season where the girl's family is like, no way, don't marry this dude, and then she picks him anyway? Now that would be interesting.)

Anyway, the family is entirely unhelpful in their universal praise, but Dad does say that he thinks it's impossible to be in love with two people at once. Emily looks perplexed. 

Then it's time for a 'last chance date' on the beach with Jef, where Emily deliberates for approximately half my life about whether or not to introduce her daughter to Jef. FINALLY she decides that Jef is worthy of being allowed in the presence of The Child, so they go to some pool, or something, and there's Ricki! And the woman who is actually taking care of Ricki while Emily dates men from TV. 

Jef and Ricki play in the pool. Jef is damn near beside himself with glee. It is SO COOL. To ACTUALLY MEET RICKI. Ricki does not appear repulsed by Jef, so the date is deemed a success. 

Later, Ricki goes back to the babysitter, and it's Jef's last-ditch chance to convince Emily that she loves him more than her other boyfriend. They sit on the couch and have nice chaste Mormon kisses, and then he gives her a gift. It is...a travel book! About Curacao? That he just purchased online a couple days ago, because he gets free two-day shipping with Amazon Prime. Really, Jef?

It should be noted that the two remaining suitors always give the lead gifts on their last date, and usually they are waaay better than this. Like, handcrafted albums, or a board game representing their relationship, or a doll crafted from the lead's hair. Jef's travel-book gift indicates one of two things: 1. He is convinced he already has this in the bag, or 2. Jef sucks at crafts. 

So now it's the next morning, and Emily is all thinkyface, and she decides that her dad was right, and you can only be in love with one person at a time, and since she's already introduced her daughter to Jef it must be him. That means Arie is getting dumped. This is not going to be pretty. 

We see Arie walking towards the botanical gardens where he thinks he's having a last-chance date with Emily, but ominous music is playing like he's going to be KILLED. Which would be one way to handle this conversation. But instead of killing him quickly they are going to have him make some stupid 'love potion' from herbs and shit. This is just cruel. Arie thinks Emily loves him and they're getting engaged. Noo, Arie! NOOOOO. 

So then Emily comes, in a black SUV, BLACK like the color of death, and misery, and Emily kinda looks like somebody just died, but I guess Arie doesn't notice because he's all wrapped up in his love potion, and they make small talk for a while, and then Emily's like, oh, yeah, hey, I'm dumping you. And then they sit on a bench, and Emily cries, and Arie looks kind of like, um, wtf?, and Emily keeps telling him that she totally thought he was the one, and now she totally doesn't, and she doesn't really know what happened. So then Arie gets up to leave, because he's kinda pissed, like you would be, and Emily's ticked off that he doesn't want to sit around and wait for the end of her non-explanation. In the SUV of shame (is this the same SUV Emily came in on? Is she now stranded at the love potion garden?), Arie feels stupid, and naive, and sad. He can't believe it's ending like this. Poor Arie. At least now he can go back to getting paid lots of money to drive cars in a circle.

Later! Emily waits for Jef, in a place apparently called 'village square', looking almost exactly like my peaches n' cream Barbie. Jef arrives. He tells Emily he loves her. He proposes with a rock the size of my head. She says yes! They kiss. Jef is happy. Emily is happy. Everyone is happy, but I am the happiest of all because this thing is OVER. Thanks for reading, everyone! You're the best. Please accept this rose.

Emily Episode 10: In Which the Men Tell All

It's the Men Tell All! The Men Tell All, as some of you know, is a combination talk show/clip show where all of Emily's rejected suitors come back to haunt us once more. The purpose of this episode is to convince us that all of these people really are as delusional as we remember. And that we want to watch the crapfest that is Bachelor Pad. 

First up! Emily talks to Chris Harrison, and gives him some INSIGHTFUL INSIGHTS into her relationships with some of these douchebags. I skipped most of this, electing to ration my sanity for the long slog ahead, but I did tune back in for the part where Emily had a SERIOUS MISHAP with some wine on the Greenbriar date with manic Joe. Which involved: her spilling a tiny bit of wine on her dress. White wine. On a dark pink dress. But somehow, despite its daring brush with dress-death, the beautiful pink dress survived. Somewhere, a tiny violin plays a sad, sad, song. 

Bachelor Pad promo! Bachelor Bad 3, we are promised, will be bigger, badder, and more of a crime against humanity than ever. Everyone makes out with everyone! Everyone cries. Lather, rinse, repeat. Oh, and Lindzi (Bachelor Ben's runner-up, for those of us whose memories are mercifully short) is with "Kalon"? That seems like a bad call. It looks totally terrible, by which I mean: I will be watching. 

Oh, and lest I forget - there's going to be a spelling bee. A freaking spelling bee. Which, it appears, will be judged by precocious 12-year-olds. Someone on the ABC production team has a finely-developed sense of irony, and I love them. 

Look, the dudes are here! Everyone boos "Kalon", because he's an asshole, but they cheer for puffy hair Ryan, because he's an asshole but he's really hot. And Sean poses like he's on the front cover of a romance novel. 

Now it's time for the Drama and Catfighting remembrance montage! Stevie, aka DJ 90s, and "Kalon" have the stupidest fight ever. Single dad Doug and drunkeye Chris have the second stupidest fight ever. I cannot believe I am watching this again. 

Oh look, Chris and Doug are re-hashing their stupid fight, right in front of us! Words fail me to describe how I feel about this. Oh wait: I've thought of a couple. Kill me. 

Then everyone talks about how everybody hated Ryan. Or something. John WOLF thinks that Ryan put himself above the other guys in the house, but John's position is weakened significantly by the fact that he is wearing pink pants. "Kalon" has no problem with Ryan being arrogant. At least he's consistent. 

Talk turns to how "Kalon" arrived in a helicopter, and how everyone hated him for that, and his argument is something like, hey, this is totally different from the real world, it's a different game, which is kind of true, but I'm just distracted by the fact that I still want to punch "Kalon" in the face every time he opens his mouth. Chris wants to punch "Kalon", too. You can see an angry red glow flickering in his drunk eyes. Then we are subjected to a special "Kalon" montage, which I skip because I do not want to be filled with rage. 

Afterwards! "Kalon" is in the hot seat, and Chris Harrison, master interviewer, badgers him about why he came on the show if he already knew Emily had a child, and "Kalon" tells him some bullshit, when really we all know the answer to this question is: "to become famous for being a huge asshole". Then they discuss the infamous BAGGAGE comment, which was probably the EVILEST THING EVER TO BE SAID, EVER, and then Chris Harrison tells "Kalon" that he hopes he learned something, but he's saying this to a man who signed up to be on Bachelor Pad, so probably he did not learning anything at all.

Next up! Ryan, who has cut his facial hair into the most evil shape possible for this special occasion. Ryan won't take anything back. He's not arrogant - he's just confident! So Chris Harrison continues to badger Ryan, because he is like, supposed to be the bad guy, but Ryan actually has some good answers and I'm reminded of how I begrudgingly liked Ryan because he was the only one on the show who bothered to actually flirt with Emily, instead of just blowing smoke up her butt. Chris gives Ryan crap about his devious plans to become the next bachelor, and then assures us, like a smarmy asshole, that Ryan will definitely not be the next bachelor, probably because he is interesting and shows signs of having a personality, which is something they really try to steer away from with this program. 

Drunkeye Chris montage! Remind me again why this show is two hours long? Chris was really, really in love with Emily. He was in love with her 110%, because his love goes to 11. That's why he acted so crazy and got all angry and shit. CH: Do you anger easily? Drunkeye: "When there's something in the world I believe in, I will do anything to fight for it." Like being in the front of the line at the grocery store, or getting the last Klondike bar. Life is short, man. That's why Chris is filled with rage. What will Chris be doing next? "Bachelor pad is an unbelievable experience, and I hope everyone tunes in to watch. Because it is unbelievable." Chris is not good with adjectives. Although I 100% believe Bachelor Pad will be unbelievable, as in "I cannot believe this is happening."

Now Pink Sean! The women in the audience, they cheer and they cheer and they cheer, until they begin to tire and the ABC intern puts down the "loud cheers" card. Sean montage! Don't care. Chris talks to Sean, all serious-like, like he might have post-traumatic love disorder and needs to be handled with kid gloves. Sean totally fell in love with Emily. She taught him that he could fall in love! And he has learned so much! He's a better man now. He wants to find love so badly. On...the next season of the Bachelor? Wait, I thought that was gonna be hot Roberto? ABC, you mark my words, if you make Sean the bachelor, I am out. He may be pretty, but he is duuuull. He is the male Emily. This is not a good thing. 

Now EMILY is BACK to FACE the men whose HEARTS she BROKE! Sean and Emily have a conversation. He thanks her for dumping him. He Learned So Much. Then drunkeye Chris also thanks Emily for dumping him, because being dumped by Emily is an amazing experience, like being kicked by a baby unicorn. 

Then it's "Kalon"'s turn, and he apologizes, kind of, and Emily calls it "the biggest load of crap I've ever heard". Like, I guess she could've said something like "thank you", and moved on, but that would be impossible because like, two days ago, "Kalon" made a post on twitter with a picture of a baggage claim with the caption "thought for sure I'd see Emily Maynard here." Don't worry, I still hate "Kalon" - but that is actually pretty funny. But Emily doesn't think it's funny AT ALL, and she's all like, BOOYAH, and all "Kalon" can come up with is, "I'm flattered you follow me on twitter?"

It is the best line of the night. 

Tune in next week to see who Emily picks to be her life-long love! At least for the next several months.