Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Episode 4, Part 2.

Continued from Part 1, naturally.

Michelle would like to start off her date by reminding us that it's HER DAY. Someday she is going to be the ultimate Bridezilla.

They get into a helicopter (two in one episode!) and land of the top of a building in downtown L.A. Michelle feels a little queasy because she's afraid of heights. What did I tell you about the one-on-one dates?? Brad points out a pool that's like, a million feet below them and explains that they're going to rappel down there. Dear producers: THANKS ASSHOLES.

They successfully rappel down the side of the building, and Michelle is scared at first and then elated and makes all the obligatory jumping off a building/leap of faith/love type comparisons. Michelle's adrenaline is surging and they kiss in mid-air and you can just feel her getting crazier by the minute.

They finally arrive at the pool, and Brad jumps in with all his clothes on and Michelle does likewise, because she would not want Brad to think she is not super spontaneous. Brad is shirtless, for the first time in this episode, I think (that long??), and Michelle makes him promise never to rappel off the side of a building with another woman, ever again. Which will be an easy promise to keep, Brad says. (Until he goes on the Bachelor again!)

They talk by the pool, and Brad tells Michelle how much he would like to meet her daughter. She asks him if he's worried about not finding someone again this time around, and he says that he would walk away, again, if the right woman's not there at the end. Aw geez, the viewing audience would love that one.

She tells him that it's hard to hear about the other girls who are going out with him, but she knows she's the only one for him. Or something. Brad looks very, very uncomfortable and...doesn't say anything. Awkward.

Back at the manse: Chantal and Stacey are a little freaked out by Michelle. Can't say I blame you.

Back at the pool, prior uncomfortableness forgotten, Brad tells Michelle how intense and like so real their Connection is. Michelle thinks the Connection is exciting, and beautiful, and scary, and at least one of those is definitely true. Brad presents Michelle with the rose, while viewers everywhere weep and gnash their teeth. Brad tells us that he could totally see himself having a future with Michelle, which I think means "the producers told me to read this off a cue card to hide the fact that they're totally keeping Michelle around for the dramaz."

Commercial. When we come back, we're at Brad's house, and his freaking THERAPIST is there. No. I cannot do this. I fast-forwarded through most of the therapy session, but I think the gist of it is: allow yourself to fall in love with multiple women at one time! That is such great advice, Dr. Jamie (or whatever the hell your name is)! Brad leaves the session refreshed, ready to release his inner asshole.

Cocktail party time! Tensions run high! Where is Chris to tell me it is the Most Dramatic Ever?

Brad pulls Shawntel embalmer aside, and she is looking super-cute, kind of Leighton Meester-esque, in her green dress. Brad is glad she's here. Their Connection is Understated, which is not as good as Intense and So Real. Shawntel gets Brad to pick her up in his arms and kiss her like they did while filming that movie, but unfortunately, this time nothing blows up.

Megan SHOES is wearing dreamcatcher earrings. Aren't you supposed to be some kind of fashion expert? Brad wants to get to know her better, but she has Walls. Walls are bad, and Brad should know, because last time he had Walls and it totally ruined his life. Gag.

Brad grabs Emily, and he has prepared a little picnic, just for the two of them, because the producers have told him that picnics are Emily's worst nightmare. All the other women are all of a sudden like OMG HE'S GONNA MARRY HER. How drunk are these people? The manse is a maelstrom of envy and bitterness. Like, watching your boyfriend make out with a bunch of other women? Totally fine. But a PICNIC? THAT IS JUST OUT OF LINE.

Brad picks a really Special spot for the picnic about five feet from the house. He thinks Emily deserves more than just a one-on-one conversation at a cocktail party, and he will do everything in his power to make her feel special while also making the other girls explode from jealousy. Emily has left presents for her little girl, one for every day she's away. Her daughter told her: mommy, if you're gone for a while, it's totally cool, because I like the gifts. Aww, so sweet.

Back inside, the girls are still talking about the freaking picnic and how that is TOTALLY NOT OKAY. Chantal starts to cry and goes off to find Brad. Her logical side is telling her: this whole thing is so stupid! (yes, Chantal, IT IS), but her heart is like, give it a chance. Chantal tells her fears to Brad and he says: "Please be confident in the fact that I am so wildly attracted to the fact that you're everything I have not been with in my past." Yeah, Chantal. Try and wrap your mind around that.

Rose Ceremony! Freaking finally. Chris bullshits the ladies about how difficult this is for Brad, because I guess they've gotta give Chris something to do now that Dr. Jamie has replaced him as Brad's shoulder to cry on. Chantal, Britt, and Michelle are safe. Here's Brad! He gives ANOTHER freaking speech about how hard this is. Brad, Chris just did that. Moving on.

Roses go to: Ashley S, bootylicious Alli, dead husband driveway picnic Emily, Leighton Meester Shawntel embalmer, barely legal Lisa, Jackie, Marissa, and...


45 minutes of dramatic music plays and the final rose goes to...Ashley H! Like all that suspense, Ashley? That's what you get for calling a totally awkward situation awkward.

Stacey, Lindsay, and Megan SHOES are going home. Megan goes to give Brad a hug, and he says, "come here to me, please", which, I will take this opportunity to point out, is one of the most awkward things ever. And Brad is a repeat offender. Why not just give the woman a hug? Do hugs require instructions now? And why specify that she must come to you? Are you worried she's going to lunge into Chris Harrison?

Megan decides it was probably the Walls that doomed her Bachelor Journey, but she does not cry. Proud of you, Megs. Stacey wants to find the right guy and is sick of dating. Lindsay cries a little, and I didn't notice this before, but her gold dress is gorgeous. Also, Lindsay is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen on television. Seriously. I'm thinking she can do a little better than a wooden old man who says awkward, inexplicable things like "come here to me".

Back at the mansion: Brad reminds the ladies that this is so, so, Real. Super duper Real. The Realest thing ever. They toast. To being Real! Next week: Vegas baby! Brad gives Shawntel a Fendi purse and the other women die of jealousy. Race car date! Everyone cries. And MICHELLE IS SCARING THE HELL OUT OF ME.

Be there.


  1. If in an alternative world where I would actually apply for the bachelor, I would be putting my greatest fear as "flying first class to Hawaii".

  2. nancy you are totally raining on my parade. my career ambition is to counsel exclusively on-air on reality tv shows. preferably live. dr. jaime and i refuse to be ruled by the machine of confidentiality laws.

  3. You go girl!! See you next week:)

  4. Did you see Chris Harrison's announcement in his blog this week? ABC is going to add the bach-ettes' ages. Clearly, he's reading your blog.