Thursday, July 12, 2012

Emily Episode 9: Arie the Makeout King

Fantasy dates! ABC would like us to pretend that this episode is about Emily and the remaining Bachelors like, cementing their love, but really we all just think of it as that episode where they maybe have sex. 

First up is pink Sean, who is the one guy who hasn't yet told Emily that he loves her, like get with the program, Sean. They get into a helicopter to go to their VERY OWN PRIVATE ISLAND, like you do, you know, on your third date, but Emily keeps making these bizarre, awkward faces at Sean so I'm not buying that it's some great love story. "It looks amazing," says Sean, as they're about to touch down. Emily looks indifferent. 

"Today, Sean and I are going to an island in the middle of the ocean," Emily offers helpfully. Islands? Islands are in the ocean? WHO KNEW. 

Emily and Sean talk about one of Sean's past girlfriends, who he apparently treated like a "buddy" because he knew he didn't want to marry her but was too much of a wimp to break up with her. Way to go, Sean. Emily wants to know if Sean is always like this with girls, and he says that it's totally different with her. They sit on the beach and chat, and it's gorgeous, and Sean is super excited to be there, and Emily responds limply, because he STILL hasn't told her that he loves her, and her other two boyfriends TOTALLY HAVE. This is getting old fast. 

Romantic dinner on the beach! Look, Sean has written a letter. It's for Ricki, all about how he wants to be as good a father to her as his dad was to him, and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with Ricki and her mom. "Thank you for that," says Emily, which is maybe not quite the response Sean was looking for to "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"You represent everything that I feel like, not just me but everybody, looks for in a husband and a dad," says Emily. Oooouch. This reminds me of something from the line of unromantic Valentine's day cards one of my friends wanted to make: "This Valentine's Day, any man would be lucky to have you."

Seriously, mark my words. Sean is doomed. 

But Sean doesn't seem to realize this, and he just goes on glibly about how much his family loved Emily, and I'm like, noooo Sean, noooo!!, and Emily's like, "thank you," which, I've noticed, is what Emily says when she's Just Not That Into You. Oblivious to all this, Sean finally works up the guts for the Big Confession. "I have fallen in love with you," says Sean, which means he's still two rungs below Arie on the Bachelor love scale, but that's good enough for Emily, I guess, because she declares herself 'so happy', and they engage in some tentative making out. So of course that's when Emily pulls out the FANTASY SUITE CARD, which comes, awkwardly, from Chris Harrison, like it does every season, and goes something like this:

"Dear Emily and Sean,

Welcome to the beautiful island of Curacao. I hope you're enjoying your stay. Should you choose to forego your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Where you are free to TOTALLY GET IT ON. Or not. But if you don't, please engage in enough foreplay to allow our viewers some wild speculation. 


Sean accepts the fantasy suite card. He wants to stay up all night with Emily. To TALK. Uh-huh. Sure. So they go to the fantasy suite, and kiss in a hot tub, you know, the usual. But then! Emily kicks Sean out for the night. She has already gotten to know him well enough, apparently. She doesn't want to set a bad example for Ricki. Sean walks away into the dark, a little chagrined, while somewhere a producer scrambles to come up with one of these so-called 'individual rooms'.

Next up is Anthony Michael Jef. His date is on a boat. Sorry Sean, but this is going waaay better than your date did. Emily and Jef get each other. They balance each other out. They jump off of things together. They make out on beaches. They make out on a boat. Emily is so happy. Jef thinks Emily is amazing and beautiful and special and that her farts that smell like a Glade plug-in. I can't help wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. Usually evil genius Fleiss doesn't like things to be too obvious at this point. Or maybe he's getting soft in his old age. 

At dinner, it is time for Jef to ask some hard-hitting questions. Like: if we wind up together, where do you wanna live? Emily's willing to move to Salt Lake City. Jef's cool with that. Next question! Why hasn't it worked out with the guys you dated in the past? Emily thinks that all the guys she's dated in the past were great (except for Brad, who was a total lunkhead), but they just didn't have it. With Jef, she has it. He makes her laugh. He makes her feel like she wants to be a better man. "Thank you," says Jef. 

Has anybody noticed that's a weird turning of the tables here? Usually, on these dates, it's Emily who's asking the questions. Here, it's just the opposite. Emily tells Jef that when she imagines one of her swains being part of her life with Ricki, he's the one she pictures. Now I'm REALLY waiting for something terrible to happen. 

So then the fantasy suite card comes, and Jef is maybe the first person in the history of the Bachelor ever to turn down the fantasy suite. He wants to spend more time with Emily, but little Ricki is watching, and his family is watching, and he doesn't think it would be appropriate. But! Since the night is still young, Emily and Jef are just gonna go hang out in the fantasy suite. Now that they've made it abundantly clear to everyone they're not having sex. 

They go to the fantasy suite and sit on a couch and kiss like they're high-schoolers waiting for their parents to walk back in the room. Then Emily gives Jef the speech, already respect you so much, a few extra hours together is not going to make a difference in my decision, blah blah. It's all very chaste and above board. I kind of miss the hot tubs and curtains billowing and doors closing suggestively. I am terrible. 

And here's Arie! The theme of Emily and Arie's interactions, apparently, is that they're so attracted to each other that all they do when they're together is make out, passionately, all the time. But the Bachelor producers have realized, wisely, that we would rather not watch these two kids suck face for another 45 minutes, so after a while they pry Emily and Arie apart and make them go...swimming with dolphins! Emily is scared of dolphins. Arie is totally cool with the dolphins, which Emily sees as an indicator that he would make a good dad. Which would be totally accurate, I think, if Ricki were a dolphin. 

And then they make out some more. 

Dinnertime! Emily tells Arie she would be happy to move to Scottsdale, but she doesn't seems as jazzed as she does with Jef. I'm already predicting a Jef win, but then! In a totally unprecedented move, Emily doesn't even give Arie the fantasy suite card, because apparently he is so smokin hot that she doesn't trust herself to keep it under control and kick him out after a few hours for decency's sake. Is this producer machinations, or Emily trying to keep her inner wild woman under control? 

Arie is disappointed, but he rallies enough to make out with Emily in front of the restaurant for a while. It is pretty hot. I can't helping thinking this is a missed opportunity. Think of what this man could do in a hot tub, Emily! Think of it! 

But she doesn't, and then everyone goes home sad. 

Deliberation time! Emily is in love with 3 men, or something. She has got her game face and her clip-in ponytail on. It is time for a heart-to-heart chat with Chris. In the flickering glow of these improbably large lanterns, maybe Emily can find some inner peace. 

Emily talks to Chris. Emily watches video messages from the dudes. Emily cries. She doesn't want to hurt anyone. It's true - this is a horrible idea. You should probably only date one guy at a time, to space the heartbreak out as much as possible. But unfortunately, a girl dating one guy at a time would make a pretty boring-ass TV show. 

Rose ceremony time! Roses go to:


Wait. Where's Chris? Is this the last rose? WHO WILL TELL ME IF THIS IS THE LAST ROSE?

A million sad tiny violins play as Emily deliberates between Sean and Arie. And it's...Arie!! So much for Sean and Emily's beautiful boring blond children. 

Emily walks Sean out. He is hurt, he says, but he knows that Emily has to do what's best for her. It's a beautiful performance. Sean is a beautiful man. I'm guessing that somewhere in the bustling metropolis of Dallas, Texas are hundreds of women waiting to assuage his grief. 

Next week! The worthless clip show they call 'The Men Tell All', but which they should call "You Have Already Forgotten About All These Douchebags Already." The week after that! Emily finally chooses one of the two remaining bohunks to be her forever love, and this shit is over. But wait...are the ABC teasers trying to lead us to believe that Emily chooses NO ONE? Or maybe...maybe she decides that BRAD is the one for her, after all, and they ride off into the sunset together, and then Arie and Jeff also ride off into the sunset together. 

So now pretty much any ending they come up with will be a disappointment compared to that. But! Tune in anyway. I can't do this alone. 

Emily Episode 8: Meet the Parents.

Yay! It's that week of the Bachelorette where we get to meet everyone's families, and ABC tries to make them look totally insane. 

Hometown #1: My Big Fat Polish Wedding, with Drunkeye Chris

Emily and Chris meet up in Chicago, where these two numbskulls have some really arresting conversations. Such as:

Emily: I'm so excited to be here! I'm really happy. 

Chris: I'm glad you're excited. I'm glad you're happy. I'm very very very happy. 

Emily: Yeah?

People, the producers cut about eight hours of footage down into fifteen minutes for this date, and THIS IS THE BEST THEY CAME UP WITH. 

These are the most boring people on earth. 

Oh look! Here's something kind of interesting about Chris, which is that he is a first generation Polish American, and everyone in his family speaks Polish. On a scale of 1 to Polish, they are an 11. What the producers imagine to be Polish music plays as Chris and Emily go to a Polish bar, I guess, although it kinda just looks like a bar to me, and then they get beers and Emily says they should probably toast, so Chris toasts to "a good day" and they're pretty much back to being really boring again. They discuss drunkeye's near mental breakdown of last week, which Emily thought was 'so sweet'. 

Then they drive to some place called 'Hanover Park', like where the hell is that, and Chris says that his parents are gonna be pumped to meet "their future daughter-in-law". Or else they will be deeply embarassed to see this episode on TV after their son has been publicly rejected. That's also a possiblity. But this show is built on a foundation of false hopes and broken dreams, so we soldier on. 

Emily meets Chris' family, and everyone is so happy and honored, and platitudes are exchanged, and then they all sit down to eat, last-supper style, like I guess this show has maybe just given up the pretense that any of this is normal and they're okay showing these people sitting on only one side of a table like a bunch of weirdos. 

After a meal, during which absolutely nothing interesting is said and absolutely nobody eats anything, Chris' dad pulls Emily aside. She wants to know if he thinks Chris is ready to be a dad. What matters, says dad, is that you love and support each other. Reading between his lines, I think he is saying this: don't look for someone to be an insta-dad. Look for someone who loves and appreciates you, and the rest will fall into place. Amen, dad. I couldn't agree more. The hometown dates are always a little refreshing, and also surreal, because you remember once again what normal people sound like. 

Then Emily says something to dad in Bachelor-speak, like, " I think I may be falling in love with Chris" but dad does not speak Bachelor, so he reports back to Chris and is like, dude, she's in love with you, and Chris is like SHE'S IN LOVE WITH ME and is totally floored. This will not end well. 

Hometown Date #2: My Big Fat Mormon Wedding with Anthony Michael Jef

Next up is Jef. His parents are not here to meet Emily, because they are off doing Mormon-y things, I think, but that is more than made up for by the fact that Jef's family owns their own ranch, which probably means they are ludicrously wealthy. Jef fires a gun and shoots some clay pigeons, and he hits them all, even in his skinny jeans, and then Emily fires the gun, and she pretends not to know what she's doing but she ALSO hits all the clay pigeons, because she is secretly awesome at guns (which makes me like her a tiny bit more) and then Emily and Jef tell each other how wonderful they are for a while. 

Then Emily meet's Jef's family, and there are like, a billion of them, and they all claim to be 'skeptical' at first, but then Emily charms them with her tiny blond ways and they are totally okay with their brother marrying a girl he met on television. 

Later, Emily and Jef are alone, and he reads her a letter her wrote, that ends with "most of all, I'm completely and hopelessly in love with you," Emily calls it "the sweetest thing anybody has ever, ever said to me", and then they make out, and I'm thinking this is gonna be a tough one to beat. 

Hometown Date #3: My Big Fat Dutch Indycar Racing Wedding with Race Car Arie

Emily meets Arie at the race track, and he shows her how he drives a car around in a circle and gets paid lots and lots of money. Emily is turned on by that, because she has dated lots of men who drive cars in circles for a living. It's kind of her thing. Later, Arie warns Emily that his mom will be a tough nut to crack. 

They meet the family, and everyone's speaking Dutch, and Emily's all like, OH NOES THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ME, and I'm like, Arie speaks dutch? Because that is hella sexy. At first it seems like Arie's family will be the one to be like, no, don't marry this girl from TV who already has three boyfriends, but alas, it is not meant to be. Emily talks to mom, Arie talks to dad, everyone who was once skeptical is totally convinced, everyone loves Emily. The usual. Arie sees Emily off and says he is DEFINITELY going to marry her, like maybe he doesn't really understand how this show works. 

Hometown Date #4: My Big Fat Texas Wedding with Pink Sean and his Crazy Practical Jokes

Then there's a hometown date in Dallas, with pink Sean, and they go to white rock lake, and then to his parents' house, which is freakishly huge. Seriously, Sean's neice, Kensington, has a playhouse in the backyard that is bigger than my house. Taking in Sean's freakishly huge muscles and his parents' freakishly huge house and his freakishly perfect family, Emily thinks everything is perfect. She uses the word 'perfect' about 45 times. But! Sean also has a SECRET. He lives at home with his parents. 

They go upstairs to Sean's room, which is a giant mess and is covered in stuffed animals and half-eaten cookies. Adorably, Sean introduces them by name (the animals, not the cookies), and Emily is like, "oh, so cute", but in talking head later she is like WTF NOT OKAY. "He's a mess. And he's really into stuffed animals."  

Really, really into stuffed animals. 

But then it is revealed that the whole thing is just a big funny joke! Sean does not REALLY live at home with his parents. It's a joke, get it? Hahaha? Emily does not seem amused. Maybe she's thinking, like I am, about how the ABC interns did a really good job with the staging of Sean's fake room. Extra points for the golf clubs. I think that's what really sold it. 

Anyway, there's some more of Sean's date, but probably nothing interesting happened, or at least nothing I can remember. Sorry guys, I try really hard, I do, but I've been watching the Bachelorette a whole hell of a lot lately and I'm starting to worry about what it's going to do to me. Anyway, Sean's date is over, and they kiss, and he says goodbye to Emily, and her black SUV drives away, and then Sean decides that he just HAS to kiss her again, so he RUNS after the SUV, and I guess the ABC cameraman runs too, and MIRACULOUSLY Sean catches the car, because of the SUPERHUMAN POWER OF HIS LOVE, and then they kiss again. Vomit. 

It's all over! Maybe Emily and Chris talked for a while about how she doesn't want to hurt anyone. I think I kind of tuned that out. Fact is, unless Emily wants to marry four dudes (which would be an entirely different, and probably much better, show), someone is going home. 

Emily gives a speech. Blah blah, heart being torn in four different directions, blah blah. Some of those directions are better than others. Emily would like to go in the direction of...

Jef, aaaaand...


So Chris is goin home, but not before Emily has to try to explain to him why she dumped him. This is not gonna be pretty. 

They go outside and sit on a bench. Chris is pissed. This is hella awkward. Chris demands an explanation, and Emily mumbles something about how their relationship wasn't moving fast enough, and Chris is like, WTF, I told you I LOVED you, how much freaking faster can you get, so finally Emily tells him the real reason she's breaking up with him, which is something like, "I just felt like I had a deeper connection with the others." AKA: It's not that I'm not happy with our relationship. I just like my other boyfriends better. 

But I don't think Chris is too too broken up about this. In fact, I hear he's moving right along to the cesspool that is Bachelor Pad, where his perpetually drunk eyes and command of the Polish language will surely stand him in good stead. 

Next week! FANTASY DATES. Finally, we may get some hot tubs. Finally. 

Emily Episode 7: Beauty and the Beasts

Firstly: I am sorry everyone, deeply sorry, for making you wait so long for these recaps. I was in Europe, life intervened and shit. But now! There is This recap, and then TWO MORE coming quickly on its heels. I do it for the fans. 

The online version of the Bachelorette is brought to you by Lay's, which, if you think about it, is completely appropriate, since both Lay's potato chips and this show are bland, crappy, and somehow totally addictive. This week Emily and her stable of stallions head to PRAGUE, which is the most romantic place on Earth, except for the place they went the week before this, and the week before that. Also! I would also like to point out that I uniquely positioned to recap this week's episode, having just returned from a vacation to Prague myself. Kendra and I spent a whole two and a half days there, seeing the sights and drinking copiously, so I am practically a native. 

Add Prague to the list of harsh locales where Emily has to schlep her own suitcases. 

This week, explains Chris, there will be THREE one-on-one dates, and a group date. WHOA CRAZY. Also, no roses on the one-on-one dates, so the dudes can concentrate on getting to know Emily and begging her to meet their families so ABC can portray them in the worst possible light. The first date one-on-one date goes to race car Arie. But this is not just any date. Emily knows something about Arie. Arie has a SECRET. 

Arie doesn't know that Emily knows that he dated Cassie, one of the producers (and Emily's BFF?) like a million years ago. On the Charles bridge, they rub a relief of a dog, which is supposed to represent loyalty. Emily thinks Arie should rub the dog twice because maybe it will cure him of being full of secrets

But wait - now we're at the bachelor mansion! In LA! With Chris Harrison! Whatcha wha? I think it's a very special part of the show called 'This Explanatory Segment Was Clearly Filmed After the Wrapping of the Rest of the Season". Cassie, the producer, Chris explains, had a very brief past relationship with Arie, which she 'took it upon herself' to tell Emily about. Wait, who are these 'producers' you speak of? I thought Emily picked out the locations and planned all these dates and schlepped her suitcase all over Prague? No? It's weird to me that we're supposed to pretend the producers don't exist, until something EXTRA SUPER DRAMATIC happens with one of them, in which case we're supposed to be SHOCKED. Also, this is the weirdest narrative device ever. Last time I checked, this was a reality SHOW, not a reality TELL. So why are we getting the Chris Harrison condensed version of everything?

Cut to Emily taking to Cassie. She doesn't mind at all, except that she feels like an IDIOT because nobody told her until now about Arie and Cassie's SECRET PAST. Emily kind of seems like one of those people who is super nice until all of a sudden they are SUPER MAD. People like that scare me. 

Then there is this totally hilarious segment where Emily's at lunch with Arie, and the whole time she's trying to trick him into coming clean. "Do you feel like you're really open with me? Like, really, really open? I like relationships where there are NO SECRETS." Arie starts to get a little worried, so he tells Emily the secretest thing he can think of: he once had a tattoo of an old girlfriend's name, but he had it covered up. Emily's like, "that's interesting," but her eyes are saying, NO. WRONG. 

Back to the Bachelor mansion! With Chris Harrison! Apparently Arie, Emily, and Cassie had a big pow-wow about this, which, unfortunately, took place off camera. Wait, these people have interactions off camera? In this conveniently non-filmed conversation, Arie explained to Emily that he didn't tell her about the past relationship because he didn't think it was that big of a deal, and Emily agreed that it wasn't that big of a deal. So, basically...ABC, who has spent a few weeks teasing the showdown between Arie and Emily, and how it's going to be a HUGE HUGE DEAL, is now hastening to assure us that it's really not a big deal at all. Wait, what? 

Back at the hotel! A new date card arrives. Several of the men announced their intention to jump off a building if their name is not on it. The date card is for John WOLF. This is huge, says the wolf. Huge. Drunkeye Chris says not having gotten a one-on-one yet is "killing him inside". Being cooped up in a hotel room all day with five other meatheads is starting to break him. 

Back on the date! Mysteriously, night has fallen. Mysteriously, Emily and Arie are now on a boat. Did the conversation where they decided that the thing that was a HUGE BIG DEAL is not a big deal at all take like, four hours? And the ABC cameraman managed to miss the whole thing? I'm calling shenanigans. There's something going on here that we're not being told. And I'm really hurt because the most important thing about my relationship with this show is that there be NO SECRETS. 

But whatever the hell it was, Emily and Arie are bouncing back fast. Arie tells Emily that he loves her. Not any of the bizarre constructions that precede a confession of love in the Bachelor-verse. Not "I'm in love with you", not "I think I'm falling in love with you"...just straight-up "I love you". A bold move, race car. We'll see if this pays off. "Mmm," says Emily. It is the only response her contract will allow. 

Emily says that hearing Arie tell her that he loves her so early in the game "makes me believe in all of this". Wait. You're glad a man told you he loved you...because it makes you believe that it is possible to find love on a crappy reality tv show? Things are not looking good for Arie. 

The boat date ends with a surprise...fireworks! Arie's like "huh. cool," but he doesn't seem all that impressed because I guess all his dates on the roofs of boats in Prague end with fireworks. That's life in the fast lane. (See what I did there?)

Now it's time for a date with John WOLF. Emily and the WOLF spend a ton of time talking about how important it is that they get to know each other better, instead of actually getting to know each other better. John WOLF admits he may be a little closed off. He has a "hard shell", but that's only so his warm chocolatey center will melt in your mouth and not in your hand. 

Then they go to the Lenin Wall. It's a place where, under Communism, people painted messages to show their support for subversive music and rock n' roll and freedom. And now, I guess, they are totally okay with random reality TV stars painting all over it. Emily and John want to paint something that is important to them, but it is difficult to paint a picture of B-list celebrity, so instead they draw a boat.

"I think we did a great job," says Emily, even though their "boat" kind of looks like a shoe. An ugly shoe.

Oh look, another nearly meaningless love talisman! This time, it's a fence that people lock padlocks to, to symbolize the staying power of their love. I keep seeing things like this on pinterest, and I think it's a massive conspiracy on the part of the padlock makers. They must be making a killing. Emily explains all this to John WOLF, looking mildly unenthused about the locks, the date, everything. I've noticed that things of this sort (Joe's love clock, egg Travis and the balancing stone) seem to mostly backfire. Sure enough, John WOLF can't get the lock to close. Emily thinks it's a sign. I think it's a sign that he can't draw a boat. 

Now Emily and John are on the way to dinner in a candlelit dungeon somewhere, as you do. The conversation between these two is really scintillating. 

John: How beautiful is that church?
Emily: Right?


Emily is nervous that John is kinda boring isn't willing to open himself up to LOVE. Fortunately, she has picked the perfect setting. There's nothing like a dungeon to put you at ease. 

John reveals to Emily that he moves a little slowly because his last girlfriend cheated on him. John is totally patting himself on the back for OPENING UP, and Emily claims to like it, but they're still sitting  about a million feet apart. Finally, John leans over the acres of sofa in between them for an awkward kiss. Ah, love.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel: Chris' head is going to explode if he doesn't get another one-on-one date. Not spending time with Emily, he says, is 'brutal', conveniently ignoring the fact that Sean, John, and Doug have all had only one one-on-one date and are still maintaining some semblance of sanity. 

Doorbell! Date card! If it's a one-on-one, says Anthony Michael Jef, then we'll know the people who are going on the group date

And vice versa, replies pink Sean. Encyclopedia Brown has nothing on this cadre of boy sleuths. 

The date card is for pink Sean, single dad Doug, and...Chris. Who is DYING INSIDE. Just right then, to twist the knife a little, John comes back from his date and tells the bros that on a scale of 1 to 10, he'd rate his date as SUPER DUPER AWESOME. Chris teeters on the brink of madness. 

Suddenly, out of the Sean decides that he MUST SEE EMILY. He does not know where she is, but he will find her. ON THE STREETS OF PRAGUE. SOMEWHERE. SOMEHOW. He RUNS, and he RUNS, and he CALLS HER NAME, but Sean is a crappy actor so really it's more like he ambles around at a slightly-faster-than-walking gait and calls out "Emily" in sort of a half-hearted way. Spontaneity fail. 

Finally, HE FINDS HER, just kinda chillin in a passageway, because I guess in addition to being forced to carry her own suitcases, Emily also has to walk home from dates alone. "Hey", says Emily, totally not surprised. "This is a nice surprise!" So then they go to a restaurant, which just HAPPENS to be open even thought there are no other customers, like maybe they kept it open past closing time with the POWER OF THEIR LOVE, and then they make out and Sean talks about how much he wants to marry Emily, and then they go outside and make out some more, and Sean presses Emily up against a wall and kisses her passionately, but none of the viewers are impressed because Arie totally already did that last week. 

Then! It is time for the group date, and they're gonna RIDE A CARRIAGE, because isn't that something every guy dreams of? Riding in a carriage with two other dudes? Then they go to a castle, and everybody says a bunch of bullshit about how nice everyone else is, and it's so damn boring and I wish someone would just like, jump out of a helicopter or go ziplining or SOMETHING. Then Emily pulls Doug aside, and it's still boring, and they yammer on about wanting to get to know each other, without saying anything that will actually enable them to get to know each other, and without like, touching each other. At all. At this point, pretty much everybody else has shoved Emily against a while while passionately kissing her, so Doug is waaay behind. 

So then Emily takes Doug outside, IN THE RAIN, and she's trying to break up with him for like, not touching her ever, but HE's thinking this is finally the huge, obviously, completely non-ignorable COME KISS ME YOU BIG DUMMY signal he's been waiting for all along, and he smooches her, while she is breaking up with him, and I think how people are hilarious and funny and awkward, and this is why I watch this show, not some bullshit about carriages and castles and getting to know you. 

"Thank you for that", says Emily, and then she keeps breaking up with him. This woman is ruthless

Doug boards the minivan of shame. He is bummed out. Emily stands in the rain and brushes away a few imaginary tears. Back to the party! Where Emily hands the surviving bachelors two keys, one of which will open the door to a special room for a one-on-one chat with her. Whose key opens the door? Definitely not Chris'. So Emily and pink Sean have a chat and are boring and blonde together while drunkeye Chris paces the roof and creeps closer and closer to the pits of insanity. 

Finally Chris gets his coveted alone time with Emily, which is a perfect opportunity for him to act like a little bitch. He demands to know why Emily hasn't given him a one-on-one since like, four weeks ago, and she says something like, "you always make the best of things, and I love that about you", but this is bullshit and even Emily doesn't appear to believe it. Chris goes in to kiss her and she leans back so far she nearly falls of the back of the sofa. Clearly, Chris has made a grave error. He should know by now that the only acceptable subject for conversations with Emily is how wonderful Emily is. 

Back together with her two swains, Emily rushes through her canned pre-rose speech before handing the date rose to Sean, to the surprise of absolutely no one. Except Chris. Who looks like he's going to murder someone. "Hey Chris" says Emily - "there was only one rose, so don't like, take it personally. Except for the part where I totally picked that other guy over you."

Chris is going to lose his mind. 

So then the bros sit around in the hotel room and talk about their chances with Emily, or something, and I want to drink an entire bottle of tequila like SWEET HEAVENS WHY IS THIS SHOW TWO HOURS LONG. WHYYYYY. 

For those of you not possessed of Sean's wonderfully incisive skills of deductive reasoning, the last one-on-one date is going to Anthony Michael Jef. Emily comes to pick him up, and he is wearing like, skinny jeans, and white sneakers, and an untucked plaid shirt, and his hair five inches high, and looks like some kind of middle-aged hipster lumberjack Justin Beiber. Yeah, like, imagine all that, and then imagine it worse, and that's what Jef's wearing. Good gosh, Jef, I thought I liked you. I need to drink more while watching this show. 

Chris voiceovers something totally insane, like I guess that's pretty much all Chris does now. Followed by the black cloud of Chris' jealousy, Emily head over to some kind of marionette shop, where Jef makes a Michael Jackson marionette do a pretty good approximation of moonwalking, which I think means he is TOTALLY READY TO BE A DAD. Then Emily and Jef buy puppets that are supposed to like, represent themselves, like that's not weird at all, and then Jef goes back to the shop and picks up ANOTHER TINY PUPPET. FOR RICKI. 

And that is how you do it.

Then these two doofuses just like, 'find their way' into this gorgeous library, which looks just like the one from the greatest Disney movie of all time, and they decide to desecrate it by re-enacting their relationship, in puppet form. The puppet Bachelorette is even more painful to watch than the live-action version, if that were possible. Also, puppet-Jef has mismatched pantaloons and a moustache (which is very pretentious hipster puppet) but no skateboard (which is disappointing). "This whole thing has blown my wildest dreams out of the water," says real Jef, through the medium of puppet Jef, mixing about seventeen different metaphors. Does anyone else find it deeply weird that Jef can only express his feelings to Emily when talking to her through a wooden doll? It's like that episode of Sex and the City where Miranda's boyfriend told her he loved her on a cookie.

Emily talks to Jef about meeting his family. He once broke up with a girl because his family didn't like her. Ruh-roh. 

Back at the hotel! Chris' mental breakdown continues. He's worried that he screwed up his alone time with Emily. Meanwhile, John WOLF gloats about his awesome date, like a big jerk. "I'd be pretty surprised if I don't get a rose," he says, taking another shot at Chris' perilously fragile sanity. 

Meanwhile! In the library at the beast's castle, Emily and Jef lay on the floor together and talk about Serious Things. Neither of them believe in living together before marriage, and Jef is totally ready for kids. "I am completely head over heels for you. I want to date you so hard marry the f*ck out of you," says Jef, because he gets all of his sweet nothings from Pinterest

Aaand...cocktail party! The rose ceremony tonight will be taking place in a creepy old mansion, which is the perfect backdrop for Chris' mental breakdown. And this shot of what I like to think of as 'godfather Jef'. Seriously, I'm getting some of those chairs for my living room. I think it will add just the right dose of obnoxious self-importance to all my interactions.

BUT! I guess ABC has wasted their money on this awesome creepy mansion, because Emily doesn't want to do a cocktail party. HER MIND IS MADE UP. I think as Chris Harrison delivers this news you can actually see Chris and his sanity parting ways. HE NEEDS TO TALK TO EMILY. John WOLF pretends to be concerned, but really he's like, "too bad, sucker! Because my date was FREAKING AWESOME." Dick. Also, I totally don't get this, because I saw John's date and it was totally lame. But, you know, whatever. 

Rose ceremony! Chris delivers his speech. One of you will be going home tonight. And it's definitely either John or Chris. 

Maybe Emily didn't want to have a rose ceremony because her dress looks like a very glamorous garbage bag. She has all her questions answered, she says. HER MIND IS MADE UP. 

Pink Sean already has a rose, that smug asshole. The other ones go to:

Anthony Michael hipster puppet Jef
race car secret relationship fake drama Arie


Drunkeye Chris shifts nervously. Seventeen billion minutes of deliberation music plays. Planets turn on their axis. Stars are born, stars die. FINALLY, drunkeye INTERRUPTS THE ROSE CEREMONY. HE NEEDS TO TALK TO EMILY. 

Chris, he tells Emily, is DYING INSIDE. Yesterday, he acted like a little man-bitch, and not a man-man. He WASTED HIS TIME WITH HER. He should not have complained when Emily clearly chose that other guy over him. He is falling in love with her. He does not want this to end. 

BACK TO THE ROSE CEREMONY. Seventeen billion MORE minutes of deliberation music plays. Emily makes this face. Thinking is not her best look.

And the rose goes to...CHRIS. A for effort, drunkeye! 

John WOLF is bummed. He's completely shocked, he's not gonna lie. But don't take it so hard, dude. There's always the never-ending bachelor-reject party circuit. And surely, somewhere out there in TV land is a woman who will be super attracted to the fact that you have nicknamed yourself WOLF. 

NEXT WEEK: Emily makes the thinking face again. She does not want to hurt anyone. WHO WILL GO HOME BROKEN-HEARTED?