Sunday, January 27, 2013

Sean Episode 3: The Longest Kiss

Okay, drinking game. Since this season is settling into a nice ponderously dull routine, take a drink every time someone says one of the following words:

connection (a classic)

Take two drinks every time one of the following happens:

Someone talks about their parents
Sean is shirtless
Sean wears a v-neck t-shirt and jeans
Sean puts his hand on a girl's knee while leaning away from her uncomfortably
Daniella says something and it's obvious she is drunk.

Haha, just kidding about that last one. I do not want you to kill yourself. 

So this week marks the continuation of the journey of Sean and his delicious abs (drink) through the underworld of the Bachelor, guided by the mysteriously ageless Chris Harrison, and the first date is a solo date, for DC Lesley, and she is ecstatic, beside herself, about to rupture with joy, except I feel a little bad making fun of her because I actually like DC Lesley. DC Lesley is that very rare thing on the Bachelor, a moderately intelligent woman. I don't know what mishap of fate led her on to this ridiculous show, but we all benefit. So shine on you crazy diamond, shine on. 

Sean and Lesley's date is... a limo ride! To the guiness book of world records hall of fame! These crazy kids goof off for a while, and then it is revealed that they are going to BREAK A RECORD of their own. What record is set to be broken today? Is it something awesome, like "first person to climb mount Everest while carrying seventeen live rats in a backpack"? No, it is something lame, like, "longest onscreen kiss." Apparently no one has ever kissed, in front of the watching eyes of the viewing public, for longer than 3 minutes and 12 seconds. So Sean and Lesley are gonna blow that record right out of the water. At this point I'm like, this seems super easy. Ridiculously easy. Who hasn't kissed for more than 3 minutes and 12 seconds? Robots, maybe. 

Some dude from the Guiness book. who is Irish and very dignified, adds an interesting wrinkle: in order to meet the criteria for the record, Sean and Lesley must kiss for longer than 3 minutes and 12 seconds with their lips touching each others' the entire time. If anyone pulls back, it doesn't count. That sounds freakishly awkward, although not necessarily hard. They are still going for it. 

In front of a HUGE CROWD (that numbers perhaps in the dozens) Sean and Lesley set out to perform this miraculous feat. To no one's surprise, they are able to stand in front of the cameras and press their lips together for longer than three minutes, although at one point Lesley starts giggling and nearly messes up the whole thing. But the record is broken! They both get some plaque thing, and Sean gets some entirely unfounded confidence in his kissing skills. 

So then they go to like, the roof of a building, where every date happens in the Bachelorverse, and they sit in some egg chair and talk about their parents. They both mention their parents, actually, so you might as well down your whole glass. Lesley loves her family. They are the most important thing to her in the world, or something. Sean like. Sean gives Lesley the rose. They kiss again, I think, but mercifully this one lasts less than three minutes. Credits. 

Haha, just kidding! There is still way more of this crap to come. 

The next date is a group date, and you know what that means. DRAMA. There are like, 45 women on the group date, and I will not attempt to name them all, as I have no idea who most of these women are. But they are all freakishly beautiful, and they all go to romp on the beach with Sean. Some romping is happening, and everyone's having fun, and someone happens to comment that the lack of tears and angst is very unusual for a Bachelor group date, which of course is exactly when Chris Harrison, harbinger of doom, pops up on the beach. Like literally one minute, we are watching the happy romping, and the next minute, there's freaking Chris Harrison, wearing a linen shirt or some shit, and trailing heartbreak in his wake. The women have been sentenced to a beach volleyball game, to the death. No, no one's going to die. It is actually much worse: the losing team will be sent back to the Bachelor mansion, and they will NOT GET ANY MORE TIME WITH SEAN. 

What horrifying twists this show has. Hold me. 

So maybe you also are unable to handle this game, because of the like, TREMENDOUS CONSEQUENCES, but Mike Fleiss is a cruel mistress, and we are forced, while helplessly clutching our glasses of moderately priced wine, to witness the carnage. And it is not pretty. Understand, I am saying this as someone who is really terrible at volleyball: these women are terrible at volleyball. So they're all terrible, but I guess they're equally terrible? Because, somehow, the score is always tied throughout the like, entire game. (I smell producer shenanigans, but whatevs.) At the end, the blue team (maybe?) wins eternal fame and glory and Sean's love, and the red team wins a bus ride home in shame and tears and disgrace. Like, many of these women are actually crying, including Lesley the poker dealer who I think is so cool and who I want to be my friend, and Daniella the drunk who is actually very, very, beautiful, and why the hell is she on TV crying about some translucent blond lunkhead? This show is weird. 

Beach destruction after party! It is like, some sort of orgy of drinking and vapid nothingness. "Oh my gosh, I am like, so, amazed by you," says wedding dress Lindsay, who I used to like. "Yeah," says Sean. Then they make out. 

Meanwhile, Desiree is pissed because Amanda (sulky shoulder-roses MODEL girl) wants to get the date rose, like HOW DARE SHE. To this end, model Amanda corners Sean to tell him HOW FREAKING PERFECT she thinks she is for him. "If we were to get married..." she says... blah blah blah blah. Soopah subtle. Sean seems nonplussed. Dez thinks Amanda's cheerfulness around Sean is "creepy", since that's like totally not who she really is. KCB sees an opportunity. 

Sean, KCB opines, does not like drama. So her brilliant plan is to tell Sean about Desiree and model Amanda's little spat, in an attempt to discredit them both. Basically, she has a brilliant plan to attract the man who doesn't like drama... by stirring up shit. It does not go well. 

KCB pulls Sean aside and lets him know that she has something SUPER IMPORTANT to talk about. It affects her. It could affect THEIR RELATIONSHIP. Desiree and Amanda do not get along. KCB feels stuck in the middle. 

Sean's like, uhhhh? 

Why are you telling this to me?

KCB, sensing that her plan has gone a little less than brilliantly, begins to panic. She's telling Sean because she feels like she can't be herself around all this DRAMA. 

Sean's like, what? 

So he basically tells KCB to stop worrying about this crap, and think about what's happening with them instead. Of course Kacie is like, I AM thinking about that!, sensing her mistake, but it is too late. It is Sean 1, KCB 0. Kudos to Sean for seeing through KCB's shit. 

So then it's time for the handing out of the date rose, and Desiree, and evil model Amanda, and probably KCB and whoever the hell else is on this date, are all confident they will get it. But the date rose goes dress Lindsay! She is like, so excited to get the rose. Vapid compliments win the day!

The next one-on-one date is for AshLee, the 'personal organizer' from Houston with the penchant for unusual capitalizations. Sean comes to pick up AshLee and the mansion, but before she can even begin to personally organize him, Tierra manages to ruin everything by falling down the stairs. (She was not, in fact, pushed down the stairs by an evil housemate, as the previews would have led us to believe. I knew that was a red herring.)

So now instead of being all about AshLee, this day is all about TIERRA. The opinion around the house, expressed by several of the women, AshLee included, is that Tierra faked the fall in order to get more attention from Sean. It doesn't help her case when the paramedics come, all sirens and flashy lights, and Tierra refuses to go to the hospital with them because that would be like, embarrassing. She is fine!! Why won't everyone leave her alone? Except for Sean. 

Totally PLAYING INTO HER EVIL PLAN, Sean goes to find Tierra outside, where she has gone to sulk. They cuddle and he consoles her while the rest of the women fume. Then FINALLY, Sean takes AshLee on her date. It is... an amusement park! Which creepily is totally closed, except for them. They do this date at least once every season. But! This time it is different, because... Sean has invited two kids with terminal illnesses, who are huge fans of this show (kids watch this show?) to come along with them on their date. It is like, a test of whether AshLee will be nice to the two girls, or whether she is totally evil and depraved, and will be mean to two girls with terminal illnesses in front of a television crowd of millions. 

As you might imagine, AshLee acquits herself brilliantly. She has lots of sympathy for the unfortunate, unless they are drama queens who might or might not have fallen down the stairs. 

Then there is a private concert! By the Eli Young Band! I am actually pretty jealous. Everyone dances, everyone is happy, Everyone agrees that it is the very best day ever. AshLee gets the date rose. Naturally. 

On to the rose ceremony! DC Leslie, wedding dress Lindsay, and AsHlee already have roses, so they can smugly lord it over the other women. For everyone else it's a fight to the death, with Sean (and also being alive) as the prize. There is some DRAMAZ where Tierra is talking to Sean, and then Desiree steals him, and then Tierra comes and steals him BACK, and then Lesley steals Sean from Tierra, and then some more shit happens, I think, and it's basically like a bunch of vultures in really short cocktail dresses fighting over a piece of delicious pink meat. 

But fortunately, this bullshit cannot go on forever, because the show must go on! Hearts must be broken! It is time for the rose ceremony. Sean comes in and gives his little speech about how awesome everyone is and how this is the hardest decision he's ever made in his life ever, and then the rejection drama is set to commence... but first! Sean wants to have a word with KCB. Everyone else is like ZOMG WHAT IS HAPPENING. HE TOOK THE ROSE WITH HIM. Is Sean giving Kacie her own private rose ceremony?

What Sean has to say to Kacie is short and sweet. He thinks she's great, but... it's just not working out. They are better off as friends. He admires and respects her too much to make her go through another rose ceremony. Just like that, KCB and her cocktail dress from the sexy Jacques Cousteau line are headed home. 

And now it is time for Sean to reject two other women that he respects slightly less than KCB! ROSE CEREMONY. 

DC Leslie, wedding dress Lindsay, and AshleE already have roses. The other roses go to:

Tierra the drama queen
Leslie H. the super cool poker dealer
Daniella the drunk
Sarah with one arm
Amanda the sulky MODEL


Desiree. That seems pretty shitty of him to keep her waiting for him to come back all night long, and then make her wait for the last rose. Thanks, Sean

So going home broken-hearted are Kristy the other model and Taryn, the blond we barely heard from. And next week! Leslie the poker dealer gets the 'pretty woman' date, Tierra the evil gets a rock climbing date, and Robyn gives Sean a taste of chocolate. And there is a roller derby. ROLLER DERBY. Stay tuned! 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Sean Episode 2: Sean Lowe and the Dark Energy

Hello everyone, and welcome the second installment of Sean the albino's quest for love. We're welcomed to the stage by Chris Harrison, who swears to us, once again, that Sean is super sincere, and this process could like totally work. Which at this point is really stretching the limits of credulity, but hey! 18th time's a charm!

So then there are some gratuitous shots of Sean shirtless, without which any five minutes of this show would not be complete. And then we go to the house, and everyone like, wants a date with Sean, and I think Tierra hates everyone else already. She is NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. Drink. 

The first date card comes, and it is for Sarah, who like the drummer from Def Leppard only has one arm. She gets the date with the helicopter, and also dropping off the side of a building. Which seems a bit cruel to do to the girl with only one arm, but Sarah is a pro, and she handles it admirably, and Sean totally admires that, and she totally admires him back for how he was like, there for her. Like I think at some point she thanked him for waiting for her before dropping off the side of the building, like maybe there was a possibility that he would just leap off by himself like a total jackass. But! He didn't do that, so I guess he is the man of the year. Also, look at his abs!

I think some other things happened on this date, like maybe they talked about how great Sean's parents are. That's how you can tell Sean really digs a girl, when he starts talking about how awesome his parents are. I guess that's how they do it in Dallas. But anyway, everybody admires everybody, and everybody was super awesome on this date, and Sarah gets a rose, and like, the most chaste kiss I have ever seen. C'mon, Sean. We're gonna need a little more than that.

Group date time! The group date limo, carrying like 50 women, pulls up to a giant mansion. Sean is standing on the steps, all like, what's up, ladies? Sean and the mansion have in common that they are both big and bland and white. The women are in hysterics over both. 

Then they go inside, and the date is... a photo shoot!!! For the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel! Which is, I think, the only thing cheesier than this show. But not by much. (Also, I have totally mentioned, on this very blog, that Sean poses like he's on the cover of a romance novel, and it is a known fact that Chris Harrison and Mike Fleiss are both regular readers. So basically this was my idea. You're welcome, gentlemen.) 

The girls will all take pictures with Sean, which is really a thinly veiled excuse for them all to make out with him, like, IT WAS FOR A PHOTO SHOOT, and the girl whose photo is the very sexiest gets to be on the front cover of three actual novels, coming soon to the 25 cent rack at a half price books near you. The girls get all dolled up for the shoot, and Tierra and Robyn hate each other, and then Tierra also hates everyone. She flirts with Sean, and she's all cute and sweet, which is TOTALLY NOT WHO SHE REALLY IS. Oh, and Kristy is sure she will win. Cuz she's a model.

Time for the shameless posing! I am referring to the photo shoot, not every single minute of this show. OH SNAP. DC Leslie, who hails from Arkansas, I think, is all country, and she rips Sean's shirt off, and kisses him, and it is hawt. And then some girls nibble on Sean's face, and then there's some southern belle schtick, but then there's Kristy, and she's a model, and she's all sexy, and she wins. Predictable.

And then there's a POOL PARTY! Except that it's too cold to swim, so it's mostly just a party where women get drunk and bitch about each other. Which is every bit as terrible as it sounds. There's a little bit that concerns DC Leslie sitting on a couch with Sean, and agonizing over whether to kiss him or not, and it's like, awww, first date! Where you want to kiss someone but you're kind of scared because like, all those creepy dudes with cameras are watching you, so you kinda lean in but then you kinda block him with your shoulder. Young love! 

The kiss does not happen. Sean walks Leslie back to the pool, where all the other women are waiting, sipping their champagne and sharpening their claws, and then we're subjected to some kind of terrible montage of women talking to Sean and being incredibly vapid, interspersed with DC Leslie debating the merits of grabbing Sean and just planting one on him. So finally she just like, goes for it, and it is...disappointing. Is this man trying at all? Sean. C'mon.

So then Kacie B, aka KCB, pulls Sean aside, and she's like, you're so great! And he's like, when I saw you at the Bachelor alumn sleazefest party, I totally thought of you as a friend! But...I'm glad you're here? KCB thinks this has moved her into "girlfriend zone", like whoa there, KC. 

Then Sean chats with Tierra, the former frontrunner, and she tells him like a million times how she's pursuing him. Translation: YOU ARE MINE. Sean tells Tierra how he really likes her, and wants to spend more time with her. But his face looks like this:

Katie the yoga instructor is feeling a little overwhelmed. She's surrounded by these 'very over-the-top personalities' (read: giant bitches), and she's not quite sure what to do. She confides in KCB that everything is like, WHOA CRAZY, and KCB is like, yeah, I totally get it. But then in a talking head, KCB is like, if you can't handle the pressure, just go home. Nice. 

Katie goes to talk to Sean. She tells him she's having trouble adjusting to life in crazyville. Sean is like, no, I get it. Stay. Katie's like, no, really, it's super crazy. So then Sean is like, whatever. Go home. Nice. 

Katie goes home. Good girl. 

Time to hand out the date rose, and it goes to...KCB! KCB is like, totally stoked. DC Leslie is like, I MADE OUT WITH YOU. Angry Tierra is like, I OWN YOU. 

Everyone is pissed. 

Up next! Desiree, who is adorable and probably unfortunately marriage-crazed, since she like, works at a bridal boutique, wins the dubious honor of a one-on-one date with Sean. Sean thinks this would be a great opportunity to play a SUPER HILARIOUS prank on her. He wants to make sure that she's like down, or something, for being the butt of one of his practical jokes. What a charmer. 

The setup goes like this: Desiree and Sean go to an art gallery. At the art gallery are so-called 'priceless' works of art. (They are all terrible. Desiree pretends to like them, which means she is either a great actress, or her taste is horrific.) But there is one piece of art that is even more PRICELESS than all the others. It is the most terrible of them all. I think it is a representation of the twisted remains of Chris Harrison's soul.

Speaking of Chris Harrison! He emerges from his lair so he and Sean can watch video of Desiree, who has been left alone in a room with the PRICELESS work of art. While Desiree stands around, wondering where her date has gone to, the PRICELESS work of art falls down and shatters into a million pieces. Whoops. 

Many people, including a terrible actor with terrible hair, who is pretending to be a french artist, or maybe a Spanish artist, or maybe someone Romania-ish, who the hell knows, rush into the room, and they're all like, pissed at Desiree for RUINING THIS PRICELESS WORK OF ART. Desiree is very apologetic, but she also looks like she might burst out laughing at any minute, which indicates either A. she has reached an admirable state of drunkenness, or B. she knew that work of art was a piece of shit to begin with. I like Desiree. 

Chris Harrison is really enjoying Desiree's suffering, because he is awful, but Sean feels a little bad, so he rushes in to 'save' Desiree. But he doesn't get to save her for very long, because he's forced to admit that the whole thing is a stupid, unfunny joke. Love means playing a really cruel prank on the first date. 

Desiree, having won some kind of award for putting up with this shit, gets into the limo, Where are we gonna go next? Helicopter? Private island? Dinner on a bridge? No, it's a romantic dinner... at Sean's place! He has prepared a delicious and romantic Birdseye skillet dinner. Actually, the producers have. But no matter, because all these shenanigans end with the two of them sitting on a couch, talking about how great their parents are. This is about as hot as foreplay gets with Sean. He's really feeling Desiree, and he thinks she's really feeling him. They decide to take off their clothes and get into the hot tub, for the continued facilitation of mutual feeling.

In the hot tub! Desiree and Sean drink champagne and talk about luuuuv. Love and marriage, love and marriage, they go together like a horse and carriage. Or some shit. To no one's surprise, Sean gives Desiree the date rose. She hesitates a while before accepting it. But then she takes it, like HAHAHA IT'S A JOKE! I meant to take it all along! So I have mixed feelings about this. This was not that funny. But hey, somebody needs to be giving Sean shit. They keep feeling each other. I think Sean maybe does some real kissing. Attaboy. 

Rose ceremony! Desiree, KCB, and one arm Sarah already have roses. Everyone else is drinking heavily. Look, it's wedding dress Lindsay! Where has wedding dress Lindsay been? Oh, she didn't get a date this week. Lindsay apologizes for having been like, totally drunk last week, which would be more convincing if she weren't also totally drunk this week. But slightly less drunk than the week before, so...improvement? Lindsay mentions to Sean that her parents are still together. They have a great relationship. JACKPOT. Lindsay is in.

Amanda, the fit model who nobody noticed before, is making a name for herself tonight by sitting on a couch and looking sulky. DC Leslie thinks Amanda has a 'dark energy'. That sounds kinda sexy. Robyn, who is super cool and from HOUSTON, wants to know if Sean really likes black girls. Sean's response? I don't really have a type. (Aka: I just like girls who are hot.) He just wants some who is sweet, and intelligent. "It's the woman...behind the physical appearance." That's legit. 

Sean comes to steal sulky Amanda, and she instantly brightens up. The other girls decide that she is not being real with Sean. Amanda is Not Here for the Right Reasons. Dun dun duhhhhh. 

Rose ceremony time! Sean gives some stupid speech. Don't care. 

Who already got roses:

Who gets roses now:
AshLEE the very personal organizer
Wedding dress Lindsay (yay!)
Robyn the asker of difficult questions
Jackie the...?
DC Leslie from Arkansas
Kristy the MODEL
Leslie the awesome poker dealer I want to go get cocktails with
Tierra who hates everyone
Taryn who is super blonde and cried that one time
Daniella who is also super blonde and drunk all the time (I kind of love her)



LAST ROSE TONIGHT. Way to earn your keep, Chris Harrison. 

Last rose goes to...Amanda of the dark energy! Boo-yah, bitches! The fluorescent shoulder-roses smirk in triumph.

(I am so happy that I lived to write such a sentence as that. Seriously. Read it again. "The fluorescent shoulder-roses smirk in triumph." Suck it, James Joyce.)

Who goes home broken-hearted? Brooke, whose lipstick matches her pale pink dress. Great color scheme. I'm jealous of how good she looks in pastels. "Love was not here," says Brooke sadly. No, Brooke, no! Don't focus on that! Focus on how you look AWESOME. Diana the single mom is also headed out. But Sean still has like...16? eligible bachelorettes. Seriously, I can't keep track.

Next week! More bitchery! An amusement park! Sean and wedding dress Lindsay make out! Oh, and Tierra still hates everyone. Stay tuned! 

Monday, January 7, 2013

Sean Episode 1: The Rose Without a Thorn

Hi, this crapfest is BACK! And we're all so glad. And you're back too, and I'm so glad. Thanks for reading my little blog. The recaps this round will be a little shorter, and sans screenshots, but I hope you'll bear with me. It's to preserve my sanity. 

Sean Lowe, you guys! He's back, he's pinker than ever, he's here to find love. And, according to Chris Harrison, he's the most sincere guy to ever appear on the Bachelor. Wait, is Chris admitting that all the other guys who have done this were full of shit? I don't expect that kind of gritty realism from this show. 

To aid Sean in his quest for love, the producers have selected 25 26 of the nation's most beautiful aspiring actresses, many most of whom are certifiably insane. One works at a bridal store. One has two kids. Awww. One has one arm. I hate you, Bachelor producers. I can't make fun of a girl with one arm. One is obsessed with 50 shades of grey. She terrifies me. I mean, that prose sucked. 

Now the girls are meeting Sean at that house in LA! They all get out of the limo, one by one, and introduce themselves to Sean, and do some crazy shit so he will remember them over the other 24 25 nearly identically beautiful women he is meeting tonight. The introduction gags are all disappointingly un-insane, except for the one girl who is wearing a wedding dress. To her credit, she seems deeply embarrassed by this. I'm zany! She tells Sean. I love to joke! They both look uncomfortable. 

Oh, and one girl made up a country song about Sean, but let's try to forget that. 

Oh! And this season Sean is BREAKING ALL THE RULES, because I guess someone told him that maybe he is boring as hell and has to do something to keep the audience engaged. And that something is handing out roses with wild and reckless abandon. It is crazy up in here, y'all. The Bachelor universe is quivering on its very foundations, because Sean gave a rose to some girl before she even got into the house

Yeah. I said crazy

Like, she stepped out of the limo, and she said about four words to him, and Sean was like, I love your SPIRIT! Wait here. 

So the girl (whose name is Tiara? I think?) waited right there, and Sean came back with a rose, and he was like, will you accept this rose? And she was like, wtf?, but of course she took the rose, and then walked inside where all the other girls were like, what? That girl has a rose? No she didn't, and then they tore her apart with their eyes. 

So while this little exercise in female solidarity was going on, Chris was outside, making smarmy small talk with Sean, who was completely thunderstruck by the beauty and probable insanity of his 25 new girlfriends. But then Chris was like, wait, there's MORE. ONE MORE WOMAN is coming in a limo. 


So of course then they went to commercial, and both Lindsey and I were like OH SHIT THIS IS CRAAAAZY, and I had to wait at least several minutes for the mystery girl to be revealed, and it damn near killed me, but then we learned that it was...

Kacie B!! She's like, America's sweetheart or something. (For those of you who do not watch this show as religiously as I do, Kacie B is from Ben's season, which I did not blog because he was utterly lame.) Kacie B, I think, met Sean in one of the Bachelorverse's round of debauched cast parties, and has decided to submit herself, again, to the indignity that is this show for a chance at love with him. She is a brave woman. (And also a sharpshooter.)

Inside, a few women are bitchy to Kacie, because she like, ALREADY HAD HER CHANCE AT LOVE, and THAT IS SO NOT FAIR. Whatever. I don't care, and the producers don't care either, because this is a sideshow. The big deal is Sean handing out roses like there's no tomorrow. A rose for YOU! And a rose for YOU! And you too! Oh, and you over there! Will you accept this rose? 

One girl bitchily opines to Tiara that she didn't get the first impression rose. She just got the first rose, which is like totally different or something. Sean's roses are sort of like Beanie Babies: once everyone has one, the myth of scarcity begins to fall apart. Sean hands roses to what seems like 15 women in about 2.5 minutes. The advantage of this montage-of-rose-giving approach is that it spares us from the agony of having to watch these people actually talk to each other. The other advantage is that it drives the still roseless women into a real tizzy, because Sean is BREAKING THE RULES. You can just see the fabric of the Bachelor universe beginning to slowly unravel. Who has a rose? Who does not? How many roses are left? Why does Chris Harrison never age? What does having a rose even mean? (At this point, I thought it would be very funny if there was a black rose, and Sean could hand it to the woman he wanted to go home immediately. Lindsey did not think this was funny, because she is a better person than I am).

Anyway, anyone sans rose teeters on the verge of mental breakdown. The girl who has unfortunately chosen to wear a wedding dress (probably at the prodding of the producers) is noticeably sloshed, and also trying to impress a guy she just met, who has 25 other girlfriends. Oh, and she is wearing a wedding dress. She and Sean share some time by the pool, and she tries to get him to dance with her, and then she tries to get him to kiss her, and it's a complete disaster but you're still kind of rooting for her because really, we are all wedding dress girl. Who hasn't been inappropriately dressed and a little buzzed while trying to impress some chiseled, inscrutable man in a tux? The Bachelor, it touches us all. Wedding dress girl goes away roseless. For now! Tomorrow is another day. 

The some more things happen. 50 shades girl is mightily drunk. The girl with one arm (I promise I will figure out her name in just a moment) talks to Sean for a while, and points out to him that she has one arm, which is sort of the elephant in the room at this point. They talk for a while, and Sean gives her a rose, and she says something about how this rose makes her feel worthy, or something, and I'm sad because I think one arm girl should feel worthy because of her many other stellar qualities, and not because some dirtbag gave her a rose. I like her, which probably means she is too good for this show. But she's completely jazzed about the rose. The stem is so long! And it doesn't even have thorns! (Shades of Henry VIII. Like, maybe the reference to Katherine Howard here is completely apropos. Maybe the people who edit this show are super deep, and they are really digging into some kind of Flannery O'Connor, things-are-not-quite-as-they-seem type shit, and the reference to Henry VIII's seemingly-innocent-but-not-quite-so-innocent wife is really a commentary on this show, and how it seems like it's about love but is really only a crude approximation of love. No? I should never write this while drinking.)

Where was I? Oh yes, there's a rose ceremony. At the rose ceremony, the women are divided into the Chosen Ones and the Not Yet Chosen but Maybe There's Still a Chance in Hell Ones, and they stand on opposite ends of the Rose Ceremony Room, glaring at each other in thinly veiled disdain. 

The Chosen Ones are...
Tierra! Not Tiara. Close enough?
AshLee (That's how she spells her name. No joke. But it's cool cuz she's from HOUSTON. Represent.)
Robyn (Houston represent AGAIN)
yoga instructor Katie
Catherine, the cute graphic designer from Seattle
Leslie (I really like Leslie. Like, I want to ask her to get cocktails with me. She is toast.)
Sarah with one arm
Diana the single mom

And then the remaining roses go to...
Amanda the fit model (what's a fit model?)
Lesley from DC
Kacie B.
Kristy the real model (she bills herself as 'the best of the midwest', like shut up Kristy)

Lindsay the wedding dress girl! Yes!

So now a bunch of women leave broken-hearted, including drunk 50 shades girl, who I will not miss, and also including Paige, who was on like, one episode of Bachelor Pad, and was now trying her luck at the Bachelor, and who I actually liked. People I like do not fare well on this show. I am sad to see you go, Paige, but allow me to congratulate you on preserving your dignity. 


ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT. Sunsets, ridiculous vacations, romance, fairy tales, women being completely awful to each other. In this season of the Bachelor! Also, a roller derby. ROLLER DERBY. Why has no one thought of that before?