Monday, March 21, 2011

Season Finale, or the one with the SHARKS.

My friends - it is that time. Time for the UNFORGETTABLE episode you've been waiting for all season long. That's right - the one with the SHARKS. And also, you know, the one where Brad makes the most important decision of all time.

But seriously, y'all. SHARKS.

In South Africa! It is down to Chantal and Emily! Chantal is lovable but dramatic! Emily is gorgeous, but what about her PAST? These are the broad strokes Brad has chosen to paint the two women who have captured his heart. Brad's family has traveled all the way from Austin, TX to meet these AMAZING women. Brad and his twin brother Chad (we'll call him Brad 2) hug for about four hours because that's how CLOSE they are. And then Brad CRIES. Aw, jeez. How many times do I have to drink for that?

Hey, look! It's that one shot of Brad crying and hugging a blond woman that we've been teased with all season!'s his sister-in-law. Mike Fleiss, you manipulative bastard.

While everyone else sits down and feels awkward, Brad goes to the Balcony to cry, Mesnik-style. Brad II tells us that this is "the real Brad", in which case Brad and Emotional Roller Coaster Chantal are like two peas in a pod. Brad finally returns to the family pow-wow, where they talk about how much he has CHANGED. Thank you, Bachelor producers. I had forgotten about that. Someone asks Brad if he's planning to propose and he's like, "absolutely. 100 percent" and the family Womack pretends to be super happy but secretly they are like - whoooooa.

Brad can't believe that he is "this close to possibly proposing". Wait, weren't you 100 percent like, 4 seconds ago? There is some weird editing up in here.

After COMMERCIAL...the doorbell rings! It's Chantal! Chantal meets the family, and then Brad II and Wes, the brother not ending in "ad", pull Chantal aside to make sure she's legit. Because they don't want Brad going through all the hurt he went through last time. Wait, last time wasn't it Brad who was doing the hurting? DId these guys even watch the show? Chantal believes that everything in her life led her here, which in the next 1.5 hours will seem either very romantic or very, very sad. Chantal is so legit that she is ready to get married like, right now. Brad II (who is like a slightly hotter, slightly more intelligent version of Brad) approves.

In a seaside pow-wow, Brad II and the not-twin tell Brad that Chantal is in love with him, which is super helpful because Chantal ALREADY TOLD BRAD THAT HERSELF. Thanks for nothing, guys. The bros wonder if Brad is going to go through with proposing to avoid all the flak he got before. Brad SWEARS TO GOD that he is doing it because he is IN LURVE. And not just because it says that in his contract.

Momma Womack wants to know how Chantal could fall in love so quickly. Chantal says being divorced helped her Find Herself. Momma Womack thinks this is just so perfect, because Brad Found Himself, too! Chantal is just a normal girl - her favorite times with Brad are when they're doing normal stuff, like hanging out at a luxury hotel in Costa Rica.

Momma Womack is totally on team Chantal. She tells Brad how Precious Chantal is, and he tells her that he is "happy. SO happy" while staring vaguely off into the distance. Basically, the entire Womack family is so in love with Chantal that they're ready for Brad to marry her, right away. But sadly for them and for me, there's another hour and a half of. this nonsense left to go. Also, we wouldn't want to miss the SHARKS.

SHARKS, you guys. Freaking SHARKS.

The next day, the family Womack meets Emily, the other love of Brad's life. The family gets to hear Emily's Tale of Woe, and they are all like, damn, we were all prepared to like Chantal better, but you can't not like someone with a DEAD FIANCE and a BABY.

The two Brads and the not-Brad sit on the Rocks of Contemplation. Not-Brad, being a father himself, wants to make sure Brad is really ready to be a dad. He's all like, "you know if you marry this chick you're going have to stop jacking around, right?" and Brad thinks about it for a while, all thinky, and finally he replies that he has a "warm feeling" about Emily. In fact, he has "the warmest feeling". Whatever that means.

Meanwhile, Emily tells momma W that she is absolutely, for sure, in love with Brad. Emily says that Brad is her "angel" and momma W tears up. Dramatic life story for the win!

Emily leaves,and there's another family pow-wow, and the Womacks have broken this down into the simplest terms possible so Brad can wrap his head around it. Chantal is the fun-loving one, and Emily is the settled one. They pick Emily, because they hate fun.

So it's settled! Brad's family has made it SO CLEAR that they think Emily is The One for him, but he needs to decide who HE likes best. And we haven't yet gotten to the part with the SHARKS.

So Brad and Chantal are like, sight-seeing on a boat when he tells her they're going to do "something a little different" and Chantal makes this face:

because Brad is always making her do stupid shit to like, prove she loves him, while Emily just gets to sit around and like, drink wine in a vineyard. Doing "something a little different" means...they are going to swim with SHARKS. Chantal's all like, NOOOOO!!, and I'm like, most romantic date ever!

Brad thinks Chantal will be fine with the sharks, because she's so fun-loving! and tough! and Chantal thinks: after all this bullshit, if you don't put a ring on my finger, I KILL YOU. Then she somehow manages to look totally hot while wearing a wetsuit. That is not fair.

They get into a cage hanging off the side of the boat and watch some SHARKS. The shark does not attack them. It is still the best two minutes in bachelor history.

Later that night, Chantal and Brad hang out...actually, I don't know where they are. Chantal gives Brad a gift - it's a map! Of all the places all over the world where they've made out! Because they are a totally normal couple. But wait, there's more! Chantal has also written Brad a note telling him that she never thought she'd feel this way about anyone. He's the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, and she hopes he picks her. Brad says "that's, uh...that's sweet." Wow.

Okay, is it just me? Or is there like, a neon sign in every shot of this episode saying HE PICKS EMILY!? But does that mean he doesn't pick her? Is Fleiss just trying to screw with our heads? THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME. Only an hour now!

Brad tells Chantal that he loves how vocal she is about her feelings, which is not quite the same as saying he reciprocates her feelings. Oh, and he walks her to the door and calls her "Channy", which is the WORST. NICKNAME. EVER.

Later! Brad takes Emily, via helicopter, to the Cape of Good Hope. It is one of the most beautiful places on earth, so naturally they have one of the most boring conversations on earth. Brad tells Emily how much his family love love love love LOVE LOVE LOVED her, and then they tell each other how excited they are. A million times. You think I'm kidding? No one can ever say the word "excited" ever again, because Brad and Emily USED IT UP.

But uh-oh...Emily decides to play hardball. She wants to know if Brad has really thought about what it means to be a dad. Brad dodges the question and they go back to being EXCITED.

But later! Back at the hotel or something. Brad has given this some deep, deep thought, and he is ready to be a father. He's ready for "all the good that comes with the bad, all the bad that comes with the good". Basically: Brad's idea of fatherhood sounds like it was lifted straight out of a country song.

Strangely, Emily is not buying it. She's like, no, for real. What does fatherhood actually mean to you? Because kids are a pain in the ass sometimes. Brad gets all angry because he is PUTTING HIMSELF OUT THERE and Emily is QUESTIONING him. He throws a little hissy fit and stalks off dramatically to the kitchen to get some water. Oh, wah. I bet Emily can't wait to have TWO children.

COMMERCIAL. Brad picks out a ring. People get dressed while talking about their feelings. Skipped!

More commercials. The first limo pulls up, and it's...Chantal. Noooooo! Chris Harrison greets Chantal and she's like, hi! and he's like, hi, sorry you are TOTALLY SCREWED.

Chantal walks toward Brad and the pedestal of heartbreak, and of course there's a voiceover of her saying how much she loves Brad, while my heart twists knowing she's walking to her DOOM. Milk that dramatic irony, Bachelor producers. You evil bastards.

By the way, Chantal looks totally fantastic. Somehow that makes it even worse.

Brad gives the inevitable speech. We have a connection... I can be're someone that I've looked for, for a long long time. So I can dump your ass on national TV. Brad has stronger feelings for someone else. Chantal stars to cry. Brad grabs the back of her head and pulls her to him. He will fix the hurt with his sweet, sweet pecs.


"I'm so sad. Please stop touching my face."

Brad wants Chantal to know that every single thing he's said to her, he has meant. From the bottom of his heart. Every single thing that they've had is very real. Very very real. The realest ever.

Dude. You're still a dick.

Brad walks Chantal out. He keeps asking her if she's okay, or if she wants to talk. Chantal is not okay. She does not want to talk. Shut up, Brad.

In the limo: more tears. Aww, honey. Cry it out. At least no one will ever call you "Channy" ever again.

Happy music! Emily arrives. Brad has waited 38 years just for this moment. It is a very, very special moment, the perfect time for him to deliver a speech cleverly prepared for him by the ghostwriters at Hallmark: "You're my once in a lifetime. I'm asking you to please give me your forever."

Of course. There is no one Emily would rather give her forever to. They exchange "I love yous", Brad slides the ring on Emily's finger, and then, he says the magic words:

"Come here to me, please."

1 comment:

  1. The crying is a normal feature of a person especially if he felt sadness in life.

    Luxury Resort