Thursday, June 2, 2011

Ashley Episode 2: Eviler and Eviler.

Hey, guys! VEGAS!!! We're goin to VEGAS!!!! Where, I guess, Ashley marries Will, who looks mighty uncomfortable. And Jeff the masked wonder UNMASKS, maybe, while Bentley the evildoer gets EVILER and EVILER.

But first! At the MANsion (I thought of that one all on my own!), Chris explains how this stuff works. The good news is Jeff has beautiful blue eyes; the bad news is the mask looks even dumber in the light of day.

Chris points out that if you do not get a rose on a one-on-one date, you will be GOING HOME. IMMEDIATELY. This is, clearly, a move intended to strike fear into the hearts of these brave men. But instead of gasping, they only nod politely. This show is so much better with girls.

The first date goes to...Willz! All the Jason Schwartzmans are jealous. Willz and Ashley get on a private plane to VEGAS, and the Mask demonstrates why the mask-skullcap combo NEVER works.

So we're one commercial break in, and so far about 75% of the screentime has been devoted to a questionable facial accessory. I feel tired. I feel defeated. I feel that it may take something really serious to get me through this. It may take...a long island iced tea.

I make my LIT an unholy alliance of gin, bourbon, and applejack, but it is surprisingly delicious, thanks to my special powers of booze magic. I take a sip and feel my strength returning. We may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

Holy crap. It's a good thing I got that drink, because on their first date, Ashley and Willz get fake married. I am not even kidding. This has never been done on the Bachelor, ever. Probably because it is the stupidest idea. Ever. AFTER Willz gets conned into picking out cake, and engagement rings, and even saying "I Do", he says - "this is the best first date ever". You sad, sad, man. Then they kiss at the not-altar. I'm confused. And bamboozled. And stupefied. What's next, a simulated childbirth?

Ashley "cannot believe how well this date is going". They haven't even gone to dinner, and they've already gotten married! Ashley is wearing a trash bag from Hefty's new Green Satin line. She and Willz hop a boat to a little dinner-island set up in the middle of the fountains at the Bellagio. They bond over how both of their dads struggled with alcoholism. It's...sweet? They kiss, and then, of course, the fountains at the Bellagio turn on, because their kisses are magic. The next one will cure cancer.

While Ashley and Willz are solving all the world's problems with their lips, the dudes at the MANsion learn that about 14 of them are going with Ashley to VEGAS, where they will be forced to do something it usually takes white men many, many drinks to do: dance.

As fate (and by fate I mean the evil producers of this show) would have it, the men not only have to dance, they also have to come up with their own routines. This should be awesome. And by awesome I mean terrible. And by terrible I mean...I'm imbibing deeply and waiting for the carnage. The guys are split into two crews; the losing crew will have to go back to Los Angeles and the MANsion tonight, and the other six will get to stay in the show. In front of a live audience.

I think I can safely say that no one wants to win this.

The first group decides to do a dance rose ceremony, and I'm torn between "OH MY GOSH THIS IS SO AWFUL" and "OH MY GOSH WHY DID MIKE FLEISS NOT THINK OF THIS YEARS AGO." The second group decides to do a sort of dance wedding, which is totally not producer inspired and promises to be totally terrible.

Oh, and it is. The rose cermony group is almost equally bad, but they win by virtue of including Ashley, who is the only one who can actually dance, in their routine.

After the performance, there's an after-party, apparently at a pool, according to a hallowed bachelor tradition, although it's so cold everyone is shivering in jackets. West fuels up on liquid courage and tells Ashley about his dead wife. Bentley is next. He thinks Ashley has a "rockin body", and he would really like her to tickle his bleeeeep. Wait, am I missing something here? What is this man saying? What could you possibly you want tickled that you can't say on network TV?

On second thought, don't answer that.

They have a conversation, and there is some wicked editing going on here, and I keep waiting for the illicit ticklefest to begin, so I'm a little distracted, but I think this is the point: Bentley has a daughter, and that makes him more likely to throw in the towel. Ashley begs him to stay around if he thinks he might have feelings for her. Ie: she is totally diggin it.

Ashley gets to hand out a rose on this date, and, no surprise, it's Bentley. The other dudes look on, enviously, while Bentley cackles maniacally because he is so EVIL. Nobody has a chickenfight in a pool and somewhere, Mike Fleiss cries.

It's morning at the MANsion and The Mask is wearing a sleep mask over the mask and that is pretty awesome. Look, masky. I'm sorry I said you drove me to drink earlier. I kind of love you. In fact, I wish this whole show were about you and your ill-conceived sartorial notions.

But alas, this show is not about Jeff's terrible fashion choices. It is about stupid producer machinations. The latest of which is: J.P. the awesomest and Mickey the tongue-rapist have to flip a coin to determine who goes on a one-on-one with Ashley. Mickey wins, and this makes me sad because he sucks. J.P. grins at the camera some but it is cold comfort. More J.P.!!!

Ashley greets Mickey at the airport and pretends to be excited it's him and not J.P. Gordon-Levitt. She feels a little insecure because she thinks Mickey is better-looking than she is. Also, his hair gel weighs more than her.

Ashley and Mickey drink white wine while hangin out at an aquarium with some sting rays. They keep flipping a coin to determine what they will do next, which naturally turns into some kind of truth or dare. Mickey wants to know the last time Ashley cried. The last time she cried was while watching Brad's season and hearing what all those haters on the internet said about her. Ashley admits that she's bothered when people are critical of her, and I am strangely touched. At least the woman is honest, right?

Dinnahtime! Mickey confides to Ashley about his mother's death, because it is impossible to get on this show without at least one dead parent. (Side note: i know mickey is a real person, and I am sorry for his loss. But what is with all the dead parents on this show? Can one not have a serious conversation without talking about dead people? Season 1 of this show was a huge hit, and you know what they talked about? Boobs. I'm not kidding. There were tons of conversations about boobs.)

They talk for a while, and I'm so sure Mickey has it in the bag, when Ashley drops this bomb: they're gonna flip a coin. Heads, Mickey gets a rose. And it's....heads!!! But Ashley was just playing! She was gonna give him the rose anyway! Manipulation is the new black.

They walk on a fake beach, in Vegas, because there is fake everything in Vegas. That's why I love Vegas so much. It's like Europe, and Egypt, and New York, but faker and with cheesier lighting. Just like how the Bachelor is like real romance, but faker and with a much larger travel budget.

Cocktail party time! Everyone is sooo serious. All the guys are determined to get alone time with Ashley, especially the Mask and J.P., but J.P.'s got a little bit of a leg up because he has a face. Sho nuff, cupcake moves in for the kill as soon as Ashley shows up. He has an idea: they're going to flip a coin! Heads, he gets a kiss. Tails, he doesn't.'s tails. But Ashley kisses him anyway. What a great game! "Let's flip a coin and then make out!" Ashley wants J.P. to know that she thinks he's extra special, and that he should be patient and enjoy the ride. Which seems to imply he'll be sticking around for a while. Yesss.

Meanwhile, William is pissing everyone off with his Dubya impersonation. C'mon, Willz. This isn't saturday night live. This is TRUE LOVE. Nick, the one who looks like a poor man's matthew mcconaghey, has just settled in on the couch with Ashley when along comes Willz to steal her away. All the other guys are like, OH NO YOU DIDNT because Will already has a rose. Because the point of this show, dontcha know, is for all the bohunks to share Ashley EQUALLY. Nick goes off to bitch to the other dudes about how he had just finished teaching Ashley to line-dance (really?) when Will STOLE HER and that is SO NOT FAIR.

Will would like to tell Ashley something super important, which is that their fake marriage was the most romantic-est thing he can imagine and that nothing will ever be more romantic, ever, not even his ACTUAL MARRIAGE. Ashley agrees and they kiss while the Mask looks on, creepily, from a balcony, because that is his particular strength. Tonight, he says, is the night. The night he will UNMASK.

A storm rages outside, symbolic of the storm raging in each man's lonely, love-lorn soul. The guys continue to shower hate on William. They have even nicknamed him "ding-dong", which is terribly clever. Guys are so bad at being bitches. They speculate about what jeff will look like once the area immediately surrounding his eyes is dramatically REVEALED. I'm going with the popular theory that he looks a lot like Jason Mesnick. Jeff reminds us, via voice-over, that this is SERIOUS and NOT A JOKE, which is why he is dressed like the hamburglar.

Jeff confronts Ashley on the stairs, because meeting a masked man on the stairs is always terrifying delightful, and reminds her that it's not what's on the outside - it's what's on his crazy, crazy inside that counts. Jeff confides in Ashley about his divorce and past medical issues, and now that he has bared his soul, he is finally, finally comfortable baring his face. VAMPIRE MUSIC plays as we get ready for the big reveal, and...nothing. Matt interrupts them, and a still-masked Mask scurries away.

NoLa Ben is sad he didn't get to go on the dance date. "Next time you're gonna do some big date where people dance in front of thousands of people, put my name in the box." Somewhere Fleiss cackles maniacally.

Willz, an especially slow learner, is regaling the other dudes with the tale of his MOST ROMANTICKEST DATE EVAR. He gets to the part where they kiss and Bentley's all jealous, not because he loves Ashley but because he is SUPER COMPETITIVE and EVIL. He tries to tell Stephen (I think? One of the Jason Schwartzmans, definitely) what a mind-blowingly awesome kisser he is, but Jason Schwartzman is not impressed. Just to prove a point Bentley decides to hunt Ashley down and lay one of these legendary kisses on her. Swayed by the power of his magic tongue, Ashley decides to ignore, for a little bit longer, the warnings that he might be HERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS. Ashley has a gut instinct, and her gut is totally into Bentley and his evil ways.

Chris is here and it's Rose Ceremony Time and some thunder thunders ominously outside. It is the sound of approaching heartbreak.

Will, Mickey, and evil Bentley already have roses. And the other roses go to:

Constantine (Jazon Schwartzman #1)
Sunshine Ryan
NoLa Ben
Matt McConaughey's line-dancing alter ego
Lucas (who?)
supergenius Ames (where has he been all episode? I'm starting to think he's kinda cute.)
the Mask
J.P. (yessss)
Chris (who?)
winemaker Ben, aka Jason Schwartzman #2, and...


And the FINAL ROSE TONIGHT goes Blake! Everyone else leaves heartbroken, including the other Ryan, and the Jazon Schwartzman who looks most like Jason Schwartzman. (Moral of this story: I think any man with long floppy brown hair looks like Jason Schwartzman.) Matt calls his momma to pick him up at the airport, thus ensuring he will never get a date ever again.

Next week! William makes some unfunny jokes, and Bentley makes Ashley cry, because he is a bad, bad man.


  1. Haha I thought he was totally channeling I <3 Huckabees, too.

  2. Seriously - you make the Bachelor/Bachelorette fun! (I still yell at my TV though but I feel better when you articulate the craziness of each episode)