First up is pink Sean, who is the one guy who hasn't yet told Emily that he loves her, like get with the program, Sean. They get into a helicopter to go to their VERY OWN PRIVATE ISLAND, like you do, you know, on your third date, but Emily keeps making these bizarre, awkward faces at Sean so I'm not buying that it's some great love story. "It looks amazing," says Sean, as they're about to touch down. Emily looks indifferent.
"Today, Sean and I are going to an island in the middle of the ocean," Emily offers helpfully. Islands? Islands are in the ocean? WHO KNEW.
Emily and Sean talk about one of Sean's past girlfriends, who he apparently treated like a "buddy" because he knew he didn't want to marry her but was too much of a wimp to break up with her. Way to go, Sean. Emily wants to know if Sean is always like this with girls, and he says that it's totally different with her. They sit on the beach and chat, and it's gorgeous, and Sean is super excited to be there, and Emily responds limply, because he STILL hasn't told her that he loves her, and her other two boyfriends TOTALLY HAVE. This is getting old fast.
Romantic dinner on the beach! Look, Sean has written a letter. It's for Ricki, all about how he wants to be as good a father to her as his dad was to him, and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with Ricki and her mom. "Thank you for that," says Emily, which is maybe not quite the response Sean was looking for to "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
"You represent everything that I feel like, not just me but everybody, looks for in a husband and a dad," says Emily. Oooouch. This reminds me of something from the line of unromantic Valentine's day cards one of my friends wanted to make: "This Valentine's Day, any man would be lucky to have you."
Seriously, mark my words. Sean is doomed.
But Sean doesn't seem to realize this, and he just goes on glibly about how much his family loved Emily, and I'm like, noooo Sean, noooo!!, and Emily's like, "thank you," which, I've noticed, is what Emily says when she's Just Not That Into You. Oblivious to all this, Sean finally works up the guts for the Big Confession. "I have fallen in love with you," says Sean, which means he's still two rungs below Arie on the Bachelor love scale, but that's good enough for Emily, I guess, because she declares herself 'so happy', and they engage in some tentative making out. So of course that's when Emily pulls out the FANTASY SUITE CARD, which comes, awkwardly, from Chris Harrison, like it does every season, and goes something like this:
"Dear Emily and Sean,
Welcome to the beautiful island of Curacao. I hope you're enjoying your stay. Should you choose to forego your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Where you are free to TOTALLY GET IT ON. Or not. But if you don't, please engage in enough foreplay to allow our viewers some wild speculation.
Sean accepts the fantasy suite card. He wants to stay up all night with Emily. To TALK. Uh-huh. Sure. So they go to the fantasy suite, and kiss in a hot tub, you know, the usual. But then! Emily kicks Sean out for the night. She has already gotten to know him well enough, apparently. She doesn't want to set a bad example for Ricki. Sean walks away into the dark, a little chagrined, while somewhere a producer scrambles to come up with one of these so-called 'individual rooms'.
Next up is Anthony Michael Jef. His date is on a boat. Sorry Sean, but this is going waaay better than your date did. Emily and Jef get each other. They balance each other out. They jump off of things together. They make out on beaches. They make out on a boat. Emily is so happy. Jef thinks Emily is amazing and beautiful and special and that her farts that smell like a Glade plug-in. I can't help wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. Usually evil genius Fleiss doesn't like things to be too obvious at this point. Or maybe he's getting soft in his old age.
At dinner, it is time for Jef to ask some hard-hitting questions. Like: if we wind up together, where do you wanna live? Emily's willing to move to Salt Lake City. Jef's cool with that. Next question! Why hasn't it worked out with the guys you dated in the past? Emily thinks that all the guys she's dated in the past were great (except for Brad, who was a total lunkhead), but they just didn't have it. With Jef, she has it. He makes her laugh. He makes her feel like she wants to be a better man. "Thank you," says Jef.
Has anybody noticed that's a weird turning of the tables here? Usually, on these dates, it's Emily who's asking the questions. Here, it's just the opposite. Emily tells Jef that when she imagines one of her swains being part of her life with Ricki, he's the one she pictures. Now I'm REALLY waiting for something terrible to happen.
So then the fantasy suite card comes, and Jef is maybe the first person in the history of the Bachelor ever to turn down the fantasy suite. He wants to spend more time with Emily, but little Ricki is watching, and his family is watching, and he doesn't think it would be appropriate. But! Since the night is still young, Emily and Jef are just gonna go hang out in the fantasy suite. Now that they've made it abundantly clear to everyone they're not having sex.
They go to the fantasy suite and sit on a couch and kiss like they're high-schoolers waiting for their parents to walk back in the room. Then Emily gives Jef the speech, already respect you so much, a few extra hours together is not going to make a difference in my decision, blah blah. It's all very chaste and above board. I kind of miss the hot tubs and curtains billowing and doors closing suggestively. I am terrible.
And here's Arie! The theme of Emily and Arie's interactions, apparently, is that they're so attracted to each other that all they do when they're together is make out, passionately, all the time. But the Bachelor producers have realized, wisely, that we would rather not watch these two kids suck face for another 45 minutes, so after a while they pry Emily and Arie apart and make them go...swimming with dolphins! Emily is scared of dolphins. Arie is totally cool with the dolphins, which Emily sees as an indicator that he would make a good dad. Which would be totally accurate, I think, if Ricki were a dolphin.
And then they make out some more.
Dinnertime! Emily tells Arie she would be happy to move to Scottsdale, but she doesn't seems as jazzed as she does with Jef. I'm already predicting a Jef win, but then! In a totally unprecedented move, Emily doesn't even give Arie the fantasy suite card, because apparently he is so smokin hot that she doesn't trust herself to keep it under control and kick him out after a few hours for decency's sake. Is this producer machinations, or Emily trying to keep her inner wild woman under control?
Arie is disappointed, but he rallies enough to make out with Emily in front of the restaurant for a while. It is pretty hot. I can't helping thinking this is a missed opportunity. Think of what this man could do in a hot tub, Emily! Think of it!
But she doesn't, and then everyone goes home sad.
Deliberation time! Emily is in love with 3 men, or something. She has got her game face and her clip-in ponytail on. It is time for a heart-to-heart chat with Chris. In the flickering glow of these improbably large lanterns, maybe Emily can find some inner peace.
Emily talks to Chris. Emily watches video messages from the dudes. Emily cries. She doesn't want to hurt anyone. It's true - this is a horrible idea. You should probably only date one guy at a time, to space the heartbreak out as much as possible. But unfortunately, a girl dating one guy at a time would make a pretty boring-ass TV show.
Rose ceremony time! Roses go to:
Wait. Where's Chris? Is this the last rose? WHO WILL TELL ME IF THIS IS THE LAST ROSE?
A million sad tiny violins play as Emily deliberates between Sean and Arie. And it's...Arie!! So much for Sean and Emily's beautiful boring blond children.
Emily walks Sean out. He is hurt, he says, but he knows that Emily has to do what's best for her. It's a beautiful performance. Sean is a beautiful man. I'm guessing that somewhere in the bustling metropolis of Dallas, Texas are hundreds of women waiting to assuage his grief.
Next week! The worthless clip show they call 'The Men Tell All', but which they should call "You Have Already Forgotten About All These Douchebags Already." The week after that! Emily finally chooses one of the two remaining bohunks to be her forever love, and this shit is over. But wait...are the ABC teasers trying to lead us to believe that Emily chooses NO ONE? Or maybe...maybe she decides that BRAD is the one for her, after all, and they ride off into the sunset together, and then Arie and Jeff also ride off into the sunset together.
So now pretty much any ending they come up with will be a disappointment compared to that. But! Tune in anyway. I can't do this alone.