Ashley Episode 6: Hong Wrong.

Dear Bachelor producers, evil Bentley, et al.,

I am ready. I have summoned my courage. I have fortified myself with wine. (Malbec, because an episode this harrowing calls for something robust.)

DO YOUR WORST.

Previously on the Bachelorette: Ashley's former love, Bentley, left their relationship unfinished. On a "dot dot dot", as you will. Since then, Ashley has tried to distract herself with her other boyfriends, but all she can think about is BENTLEY. Bentley! Bentley! Bentley! Bentley is like a big ol' ugly speedbump on Ashley's highway to love.

Ashley wanders the streets of Hong Kong, all verklempt. Closure, she needs it. Bentley told her he wanted to leave things on a "dot dot dot", and "that usually means 'to be continued'", Ashley informs us. Yeah, or sometimes it means you're TOO MUCH OF A LAZY JACKASS TO USE REAL PUNCTUATION.

...just sayin'.

Chris Harrison, the perfectly-coiffed ringleader of this circus of DRAMA, knocks on the door of Ashley's suite at the product placement hotel. Chris is CONCERNED, man. He wants Ashley to have closure so she can continue with her JOURNEY. Because he cares so much, Chris has summoned Bentley from his lair somewhere near Salt Lake City and flown him halfway around the world. Bentley is RIGHT HERE. IN THIS HOTEL.

Ashley: SHUT UP.

Chris Harrison is a vulture who feeds on the festering carrion of DRAMA, but he's so good at pretending to be a normal human being! With normal human feelings! He tells Ashley to like, be strong, and not take any shit, before sending her downstairs to the ratings bonanza.

BFF duties concluded, Chris heads to the bar to get obliterated, while Ashley stares thoughtfully at the key to Bentley's suite and the utterly inadequate fruit bowl. Weird techno music plays! Traffic roars by outside! I guess to remind us of the discordant symphony of angst now playing inside Ashley's head.

Seriously, guys. Only one orange? Lame.

After a while, Ashley gets up. SHE IS GOING TO HIS ROOM. SHE IS KNOCKING ON HIS DOOR.

OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OHHH MYYYYY GOSSSHHHHH

Bentley opens the door and it's SO DRAMATIC and I'm sort of expecting to see like, a faceless monster, but instead he's kind of...normal. They sit on the couch and talk for a bit, and it's so...normal. But then Bentley's hand is on Ashley's knee, and he's telling her to come to Salt Lake and visit his lair if nothing works out with any of these other chumps, and I start to relax because this is the scumsucking scumbag we have been led to despise. Ahhh.

Ashley is looking for something a little more than "hey, call me later". She's got a feeling about Bentley in her gut, and she thinks it might be Fate. "I just couldn't let it go, and I still can't. I still can't let it go."

Evil Bentley, finally faced with the magnitude of what his evil deeds hath wrought, decides maybe it's time to be honest. Sort of. "It doesn't look good. For me and you. And I would...implore you, to do all you can to see what you have here. I guess."

Ashley's like, so is this this period? I was broken, Bentley. BROKEN. She's starting to get mad. SAY IT, BENTLEY. SAY IT! SAY IT'S A DAMN PERIOD.

So finally he's like, yeah. It's a period. And she's like, wtf? You came all the way here just to tell me that? You couldn't tell me on the phone? Did you just want a free vacation?

Bentley: Yeah, pretty much.

Asshole.

Ashley: "I cannot believe I wasted so much time on Bentley," Neither can I, Ashley. Neither can I.

Talking Head Ashley has a special message for Bentley: "Bentley, if you're watching this, BLEEEP you. I'm done with you." Bentley and Ashley as SO OVER. He can just take that dot dot dot and shove it up his dot dot dot. Sounds of glee echo across the land. Bells ring. Children shout. The streets flow with wine. Thank the Bachelor gods, we will never hear about BENTLEY ever again. At least until the reunion show. Which promises to be a real doozy.

Or at least until Ashley reminds us a million more times that she has CLOSURE. Argh.

But for now! Ashley is free as a bird, and so tiny and happy! So happy she barely knows which 80s blouse to pick for her date with Lucas. Ashley's super excited about going out with him, or something. I guess I would be, too, if I had any idea who he was.

Ah! Turns out Lucas is the divorced Texan who didn't speak until last week. They're going to a street market! Wait, hasn't this date already been done like, at least twice this season? Where are the hot tubs and rooftop pools? I can't believe this show has strayed so far from its roots.

Ashley is super psyched. "Look at the street market! People are selling things."

Oh, honey. That's what people do at markets.

Shopping the street market with Ashley is so Real. Lucas feels like they've been dating forever. Just you wait, Lucas, because it's about to get even realer. Thats right: they are going to have dinner on a PIRATE SHIP.

Lucas asks Ashley how she's doing with the Process. Ashley has gone through a "few little hiccups" (make that REALLY BIG, HUGE, PROCESS-THREATENING HICCUPS) but she is doing great now. Then they talk about Lucas' divorce, and about fate, and all I can think is that this date is deeply flawed due to lack of actual pirates.

Ashley gives Lucas the date rose, and he decides this is a good time to make his move. I've gotta say, I was totally unimpressed with Lucas until now, but this man can kiss. Aw, dayyyum.

Ashley agrees. Lucas' "manlihood" makes her feel like a natural woman. Manlihood? That...that's not a word. But I'm happy for you, baby. Just as long as it's not BENTLEY.

Group date time! The guys are going to be competing against each other in a Dragon Boat race. But there's a catch! Two dudes will be assigned to each team, and the other eight members of their team must be recruited from strangers on the streets of Hong Kong. Dear bachelor producers: I still think you are soulless vermin, but I've got to give you props for this idea. Clueless Americans trying to recruit non-English speakers for a hopeless proposition? Comedy GOLD.

Blake and Ryan are paired up, mostly so Blake can bitch about how irritating Ryan is. Mickey, Ames, and Ames' adorable lumberjack shirt are on a team. Apparently they teach classes in dragon boat team recruiting at Harvard, because Ames and Mickey somehow run into a man who has like, an entire dragon boat racing team on speed dial. Boom.

"Those boardshorts would go great with my plaid."

Constantine and Ben are on the same team, because Ashley cannot tell them apart, either. They make a valiant effort at recruiting tiny Asian women and small dogs, but no one wants to be on a team with the scary twins in the scary bandanas. Finally the wonder twins decide that if they are going to lose, they will lose in style. As soon as they are kitted out in red silk kimonos, an entire team suddenly appears, drawn like moths to the flame of their terrible, terrible fashion sense.

The race begins, and things are not looking good for team Red Dragon. Their team chant, Ben explains, "was supposed to mean 'eat it', but we found out later it meant 'idiot'". For some reason, I found this hilarous. I think this was the hardest I've ever laughed at anything on this show, ever. I nearly dropped my wineglass. My cat looked at me like I was crazy.

Oh, and the professional rowers win. To nobody's surprise. I think we all know Ames' hipster plaid is the real winner here.

After party! Our man Ames decides to go full throttle. He takes Ashley up in the elevator, ostensibly to show her the view of Hong Kong, but really to show her his more, er, amorous side. Ames, you know I love you, and your Ivy leave pedigree and your hipster plaid. I'm happy to see you making your move. But now I've got that damn Aerosmith song stuck in my head.

As Ashley and Ames make out, the camera pans to the numbers on the elevator creeping higher and higher. Sadly, there is no similar representation of Ashley's numbers. Hasn't she made out with every guy here at this point? Except for Chris Harrison.

Next up: more making out! This time with Constantine, in an implausible yellow sweater! Whoops, that's Ben. I swear they are THE SAME. Ben tells us that he used to be a skeptic, but now he has a first-class ticket on the Ashley train. Ben and Ashley cuddle and talk about their feelings.


The guys snark on Ryan for a while, because you cannot spell "group date" without "bitchy man drama". The dudes are concerned that Ryan is one way around them (irritatingly happy) and another way around Ashley. (Irritatingly...happy?) They are sure that Sunshine will be going home this week, but Mickey thinks Ryan will get the rose. "My gut told me Ryan, at the beginning of the night." Sometimes my gut tells me I've had too many beers.

So of course Ryan gets the rose, which is a testament to both his charm and the prophetic powers of Mickey's intestines.

J.P. gets a second one-on-one date, because Ashley has come to her senses and realized he is totally awesome. Ashley decides to tell J.P. about all the Bentley madness, because she luurves him and wants him to know the truth. Of course J.P. can't be happy to hear that the tiny woman he loves has been pining after a troll-faced jerk, but he handles it with dignity: "Thank you for telling me. I appreciate your honesty." One billion points for J.P.

Ashley gives J.P. the date rose, and then they make out. And then they make out on a train! And then they make out on the roof of a building! This makes me so, so happy.

Cocktail party! On a boat! It is finally not raining, because the universe is so happy that Evil Bentley has eviled his last. But we haven't quite heard the last of him. Yet. Ashley decides to drop the Bentley bomb on the clusterchump all at one. It does not go well. "Remember Bentley? I was like, really in love with him. But I'm not, anymore. Guys? Guys??"

Texan Lucas and Dentist Blake have got their panties all in a wad, but it's Mickey who decides he wants to take his ball and go home. He tells Ashley to send him home at the rose ceremony, but she's all like, whatever, if you want to leave, leave now. As Mickey floats off into the night, Ashley gives the remaining dudes a tearful speech about how much she cares and how hard this is, and everyone looks sweetly concerned. Ashley leaves, and they agree that they are all in love with her, after all, and all is well in the Bachelorverse.

Then: tearful conversation with fake BFF Chris! The dramatic turning down of the picture frame! Yeah, I skipped this part. Moving on to the non-event of a rose ceremony:

Texan Lucas, Sunshine Ryan, and J.P. already have roses. The other roses go to:

Winemaker Ben

Winemaker Ben II

FINAL ROSE TONIGHT. And it's...

Ames!! Yay.

Bye bye, dentist Blake. Coming soon: Taiwan! Ames wears a jacket with sparkly lapels. And someone that Ashley regrets sending home is BACK.

Again?

The Bachelorette is on hiatus next week, so you can drink a beer, eat a hot dog, and think about how grateful you are to live in the country that brought the world rock n' roll, apple pie, and reality television.