Emily Episode 1: It's BACK.

This is a Very Special season of the Bachelorette, because it is the Bachelorette: Southern Barbie edition. And also because it marks the return of MY BLOG. Emily has had her heart broken TWICE. The first time, her fiance died in a plane crash, which cannot be construed as ABC's fault, but the second time, she was blindsided by the demise of her engagement with Brad, which was entirely the fault of this crapheap show. Emily has come back to our televisions for a second chance at love, because some people never learn. 

Emily also had a daughter with fiance number one. Her image as the Bachelorette Madonna means that I will try (try!) to refrain from mocking her, so the dudes will feel the full force of my snarkery. We'll have fun. Let's meet the guys!

Our first bachelor is named 'Kalen'. He flies helicopters. He is from Houston, Texas, and he sucks. (Cue stream of emails from friends of "Kalen" defending "Kalen", because everyone in Houston knows each other. Anybody know this guy? Does he suck? He seems like he sucks.) Kalen used to be a womanizing jerk, but then he did some like, self-reflecting and decided to make a HUGE CHANGE and be a more responsible, down-to-earth guy and go on the Bachelorette. Yeah, that'll do it. 

Kalen strikes a self-reflecting pose on the balcony of a newish apartment complex. From the looks of it I'm guessing it is this one. Can anybody confirm? C'mon, I need some dirt on this guy. 

Ryan is from Georgia and used to be a pro football player. He has kinda puffy hair, but his accent slays me. 

Tony sells lumber for a living. His true passion is fitness. Tony looks like a total dud until we realize that he has an adorable 5-year-old son. Who has two thumbs and is gonna marry Emily? Someone who makes really, really terrible jokes.

LeRone lives in LA. He has large muscles and an inexplicably small dog.

David lives in New York and is a singer-songwriter unemployed. His hobbies include carrying a guitar through central park and writing songs about Emily upon which I will refrain from comment. Think like, Billy Joel. If Billy Joel were terrible. 

Charlie seems like a normal dude, BUT...last year he had a terrible accident where he was on a balcony that collapsed. Charlie, I'm glad you are okay. And I hope you sued the hell out of that lousy architect and contractor.

Jeff lives in Salt Lake City. People rarely take him seriously, because he is an adult who rides a skateboard and looks like Duckie from Pretty in Pink. I loved that movie. Duckie runs a bottled water company that donates some of its profits to build wells for impoverished people, so I am an asshole for making fun of him. 

Arie is a race car driver, just like Emily's dead fiance. That will go over well.

Commercial break! Now we are at the Bachelor mansion, only it is a different house this time, and that makes me both confused and upset. At least the smooth, ageless face of Chris Harrison will never change. Emily arrives. She is lovely but she is NERVOUS because she could meet her HUSBAND tonight. Emily and Chris have a heart-to-heart chat. SKIPPED. 

First dude out of the limo is Sean. He is from Dallas and entirely unremarkable. This does not bode well for this season. 

Next guy is David the unemployed. I realize he looks a little like John Stamos. Doug is from Seattle and has a perpetually worried/since expression. He also has an 11-year-old son. That will be good for at least two more episodes. Emily also looks worried/sincere,  so maybe they are perfect for each other. 

Jackson is a MODEL, and I'm secretly hoping for a reprise of last season's Courtney madness, because that was entertaining/terrible. Jackson gets on his knees and recites a poem. Please, I pray to the beneficent heavens, no poems. But he goes for it: 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take

But by the number of moments that take our breath away. 

Jackson read that on a Hallmark card in the airport on the way over here. 

Also, NEW DRINKING GAME: Take a drink every time Emily says "thank you" or "so sweet". Note that I am not responsible for damage to your internal organs.

Joe is next and he is ON. He is waving his hands around and totally excited and totally manic and totally freaking me out. Emily thanks him. Like four times. For being insane. 

Arie's intro does not include a mention of him being a race car driver like dead fiance. I'm predicting this will be a BIG REVEAL in episode 2 or 3. 

Aaron is a high school biology teacher, but he has CHEMISTRY with Emily. He looks vaguely like Ryan Gosling. "She Blinded Me With Science" would be playing over this portion, but ABC already blew the budget on champagne and helicopters. 

"Emily. You're real." says Alessandro dramatically, long hair flapping in his face. Get thee to a daytime soap, Alessandro. "You're real", retorts Emily. Ugh. 

Duckie, I mean Jeff, rides in on a skateboard behind the limo. I just noticed he only spells his name with one F. This is why people don't take you seriously, dude. 

Stevie comes in. He has a boombox, because he is a party MC, like the guy who tries to get everyone to do the limbo at your wedding. "I feel like I'm at a nightclub", says Emily. Seriously, a boombox? I feel like I'm in 1997. 

Tony the lumber seller has brought a glass slipper on a pillow. He is looking for his PRINCESS. 

This is deeply embarassing. 

Fortunately for me, there are like a million more guys left. In hobbles someone dressed in a terrible blue dress with a terrible wig and fake cane. Wait, is this making fun of the grandma who accompanied her daughter last season? Randy rips off the wig for a big reveal, Scooby-Doo style, but it is too late to avoid looking like a complete asshole. "Very creative," says Emily. "You stuck out in my mind". That's not a good thing. 

Here's John. His friends call him "Wolf", because he is a Data Destruction Specialist. I can only imagine that John participates in some sort of virtual demolition derby. 

Next up is Travis, and he is holding...an egg? I hope it screams like the one in Harry Potter. I want to scream. "This egg is a symbol of two beautiful people, and throughout this journey I will take care of this egg like I would take care of you and Ricki." Says Travis. The...hell?

Seriously, he said that. I can't make this shit up. That egg is a goner. "Thank you," says Emily. 

Emiliano is a mushroom farmer. What kind of mushrooms is not mentioned. He speaks to Emily in Spanish. "Me llamo Emily", says Emily. 

Ryan and his puffy hair have made some notes. When he goes to read his notes, one side says "You're so beautiful", and the other side says, "I'm so nervous". That is actually pretty cute. Was this penned by an ABC intern, or did Ryan make it on the fly in the limo? "So sweet", says Emily. "So sweet." Emily is my liver's sworn enemy. 

And the last guy is too damn good for limos, so he decides to arrive in a HELICOPTER. "It's Brad!", say the dudes. Worse. It is "Kalon". Told you he sucked.  "I'm sorry if I made you wait a few minutes for me. But I promise it's worth it", says "Kalon", like a DOUCHE. The dudes all hate him now, so I guess we have something in common.

"Emily! 25 incredible men!" sez Chris. So true, if by "incredible", you mean "mostly insane". Thus far we have:

-a douche with a helicopter

-a guy with a boombox

-a grownup who rides a skateboard

-manic Joe

-poetry model Jackson

and some dude with an EGG. 

It's not looking good. 

Emily gives a speech to the assembled clusterchump. Her previous experience on the show, she says, is proof that this process can work. Wait, did Emily see the same show I did? Isn't her previous experience proof that this show can break your heart and crush your dreams? Never mind, because everyone involved is already 2 1/2 sheets to the wind. 

Cut to a montage of all the dudes cutting in on other dudes to get time with Emily, because she is so HOT. Emily is surprised by her newfound popularity. "When I go to the grocery store, guys are not pulling me in 15 different sections of the grocery store." Weird, that always happens to me. 

Chris has created...a bobblehead of himself. That's kind of cute. He also has a bobblehead of Emily. That's kind of stalkery. "They've been through a lot together", he says. That's kind of actionable. Emily and Chris play dolls. See, it's a great idea, because Chris can use his doll to tell the Emily doll things he longs to say to her, in the deep secrety depths of his heart, like how he feels there is a Spark. "Chris is super hot and so thoughtful. I like him a lot", says Emily, instead of getting a restraining order. This show is set in a strange, strange universe that logic cannot touch. I should've already known that. 

Everyone thinks Travis' egg is weird, and that's saying a lot coming from a crowd that includes a guy who plays with dolls. Travis defends the egg. It's who he is. He's "goofy". At least, says Travis, having a freaking egg is better than having a helicopter and being RICH. 

Now it's time for some one-on-one time with Duckie and his bouffant hairstyle. Duckie makes Emily feel like a nerd. He has a 'cool vibe'. Oh, Emily. 

Seattle Doug's son wrote Emily a note. That, gentlemen. That is how you play the game. Right after that it is time for the appearance of the ominous FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE. Of course all the men start foaming at the mouth, which is a little ridiculous because there are still like, a bajillion more roses left, but everyone is on like, their sixth scotch or mojito or whatever at this point, and counting is a higher brain function. Everyone hates "Kalen" and hopes he doesn't get the rose. Kalen: "Some of the guys are a little hostile towards me, but at the same time, I'm kinda used to that." Have you ever thought it's cuz you're a BIG FAT JERK?

Now it is time for some STUPID MAN DRAMA! It goes kind of like this: "Kalen" is talking to Emily. Some other dude (maybe Sean? is there a Sean?) comes to steal her. Sean asks "Kalen" if he minds. Of course "Kalen" does mind, and he says so, but then he lets Emily go. LATER: DJ 90s confronts "Kalen" and accuses him of...actually, I don't know what he accuses him of. Not letting Emily go? Clearly, he just did this, as the viewers just witnessed. Speaking his mind? Ominous music is playing, but I am not fooled, Bachelor producers. Look, I dislike "Kalen" just as much as anybody, but this is the stupidest fight ever. Also, DJ 90s looks like a used car salesman.

Plays "Baby Got Back" at EVERY reception. 

Arie chooses this moment to break it to Emily that he is a race car driver. "I've raced cars since I was 14," he tells her. Also, 'race car' is a palindrome. Arie wants to know if Emily is okay with this. She is totally fine with it! Racing is her favorite sport! Also, Arie is totally fine. More non-drama. 

And the first impression rose goes to...Seattle Doug! But really to Seattle Doug's 11-year-old son. The other dudes are crushed. I don't know why, because immediately afterwards, Chris Harrison ambles in and halfheartedly bangs on his wineglass. Rose ceremony time! Chris shuffles off to collect his paycheck. 

Emily: "Coming into tonight, I was worried, like, I'm not gonna like any of these guys. And now, I'm worried, like, well hell, who I am gonna send home?" We're not buying that, honey. Half of these men are certifiably insane. 

Emily gives a speech. Thank you, hopeful, so sweet. Roses go to:

-bobblehead Chris

-puffy hair football Ryan

-"Kalon" (whose name I realize I have been spelling wrong this entire blog. take that, "Kalon"!)

-race car Arie

-head injury Charlie

-Anthony Michael Jef

-Nate (who?)

-Sean (there is a Sean!)

-manic Joe

-Kyle (who?)

-science teacher Aaron

-Alejannndro

-John WOLF

-Alessandro (wait, there's an Alejandro and an Alessandro? no way.)

-floppy hair Michael

-DJ 90s (whaaat?)

-Tony (who?)

aaaand....

ONE ROSE lingers on the table. Oh, hi Chris. 

THE FINAL ROSE goes to...EGG GUY!!! Completely shocked, he drops his egg. No, he doesn't. But it is still a dumbass idea. 

RoboChris, face set firmly on "sympathy", rolls out to tell the rest of the losers to say their goodbyes. Some guy named Brent is disappointed about not finding love. He has six kids. Look, I know that being a father is a tactical advantage in this game, but six? That's just overkill. 

Coming up this season! Everyone cries. Emily tells someone to 'get the F out'. And then she wanders around in the rain and says, "I will protect my family until the day I die". Wait, is this Bachelorette or Taken? Then there's true love, there's a carousel, there's...Dolly Parton? Whatcha wha?

Stay with me. I don't know if I can take this alone.