Sunday, September 9, 2012

Emily Episode 11: Twooo Wuuuv

It's the episode we've all been waiting for! Emily's down to two of these doofuses, and she's going to decide which one will be her TRUE LOVE and which one will be the next Bachelor, and then Emily and her Chosen One will ride off into the sunset and get married and have a vanfull of babies, probably, and we won't have to watch this crap anymore. I admit that I watched most of this episode while doing more interesting stuff, like reading funny things on the internet, or shopping, or eating soup, or cutting my toenails. 

So Jef meets Emily's family, and they luuurve him. Sure, they ask him a bunch of so-called 'tough questions', but after a little bit of him yammering about how much he loves Emily, they pretty much eat him up with a spoon. Which you would think would make things pretty hard on poor Arie, but whaddayaknow, the Maynards just luuuuv Arie, too. Dad bestows his blessing on both dudes when they ask for Emily's hand. Fat lot of good these people are. So much for helping Emily make a decision or anything. (I should point out that this happens every season. Where's the season where the girl's family is like, no way, don't marry this dude, and then she picks him anyway? Now that would be interesting.)

Anyway, the family is entirely unhelpful in their universal praise, but Dad does say that he thinks it's impossible to be in love with two people at once. Emily looks perplexed. 

Then it's time for a 'last chance date' on the beach with Jef, where Emily deliberates for approximately half my life about whether or not to introduce her daughter to Jef. FINALLY she decides that Jef is worthy of being allowed in the presence of The Child, so they go to some pool, or something, and there's Ricki! And the woman who is actually taking care of Ricki while Emily dates men from TV. 

Jef and Ricki play in the pool. Jef is damn near beside himself with glee. It is SO COOL. To ACTUALLY MEET RICKI. Ricki does not appear repulsed by Jef, so the date is deemed a success. 

Later, Ricki goes back to the babysitter, and it's Jef's last-ditch chance to convince Emily that she loves him more than her other boyfriend. They sit on the couch and have nice chaste Mormon kisses, and then he gives her a gift. It is...a travel book! About Curacao? That he just purchased online a couple days ago, because he gets free two-day shipping with Amazon Prime. Really, Jef?

It should be noted that the two remaining suitors always give the lead gifts on their last date, and usually they are waaay better than this. Like, handcrafted albums, or a board game representing their relationship, or a doll crafted from the lead's hair. Jef's travel-book gift indicates one of two things: 1. He is convinced he already has this in the bag, or 2. Jef sucks at crafts. 

So now it's the next morning, and Emily is all thinkyface, and she decides that her dad was right, and you can only be in love with one person at a time, and since she's already introduced her daughter to Jef it must be him. That means Arie is getting dumped. This is not going to be pretty. 

We see Arie walking towards the botanical gardens where he thinks he's having a last-chance date with Emily, but ominous music is playing like he's going to be KILLED. Which would be one way to handle this conversation. But instead of killing him quickly they are going to have him make some stupid 'love potion' from herbs and shit. This is just cruel. Arie thinks Emily loves him and they're getting engaged. Noo, Arie! NOOOOO. 

So then Emily comes, in a black SUV, BLACK like the color of death, and misery, and Emily kinda looks like somebody just died, but I guess Arie doesn't notice because he's all wrapped up in his love potion, and they make small talk for a while, and then Emily's like, oh, yeah, hey, I'm dumping you. And then they sit on a bench, and Emily cries, and Arie looks kind of like, um, wtf?, and Emily keeps telling him that she totally thought he was the one, and now she totally doesn't, and she doesn't really know what happened. So then Arie gets up to leave, because he's kinda pissed, like you would be, and Emily's ticked off that he doesn't want to sit around and wait for the end of her non-explanation. In the SUV of shame (is this the same SUV Emily came in on? Is she now stranded at the love potion garden?), Arie feels stupid, and naive, and sad. He can't believe it's ending like this. Poor Arie. At least now he can go back to getting paid lots of money to drive cars in a circle.

Later! Emily waits for Jef, in a place apparently called 'village square', looking almost exactly like my peaches n' cream Barbie. Jef arrives. He tells Emily he loves her. He proposes with a rock the size of my head. She says yes! They kiss. Jef is happy. Emily is happy. Everyone is happy, but I am the happiest of all because this thing is OVER. Thanks for reading, everyone! You're the best. Please accept this rose.


  1. Can't wait to read your blog during Sean's season in January. You're the best, Nancy.

  2. I hope you will be blogging again next week. I don't know how I can get through the season without you :)