Monday, January 7, 2013

Sean Episode 1: The Rose Without a Thorn

Hi, this crapfest is BACK! And we're all so glad. And you're back too, and I'm so glad. Thanks for reading my little blog. The recaps this round will be a little shorter, and sans screenshots, but I hope you'll bear with me. It's to preserve my sanity. 

Sean Lowe, you guys! He's back, he's pinker than ever, he's here to find love. And, according to Chris Harrison, he's the most sincere guy to ever appear on the Bachelor. Wait, is Chris admitting that all the other guys who have done this were full of shit? I don't expect that kind of gritty realism from this show. 

To aid Sean in his quest for love, the producers have selected 25 26 of the nation's most beautiful aspiring actresses, many most of whom are certifiably insane. One works at a bridal store. One has two kids. Awww. One has one arm. I hate you, Bachelor producers. I can't make fun of a girl with one arm. One is obsessed with 50 shades of grey. She terrifies me. I mean, that prose sucked. 

Now the girls are meeting Sean at that house in LA! They all get out of the limo, one by one, and introduce themselves to Sean, and do some crazy shit so he will remember them over the other 24 25 nearly identically beautiful women he is meeting tonight. The introduction gags are all disappointingly un-insane, except for the one girl who is wearing a wedding dress. To her credit, she seems deeply embarrassed by this. I'm zany! She tells Sean. I love to joke! They both look uncomfortable. 

Oh, and one girl made up a country song about Sean, but let's try to forget that. 

Oh! And this season Sean is BREAKING ALL THE RULES, because I guess someone told him that maybe he is boring as hell and has to do something to keep the audience engaged. And that something is handing out roses with wild and reckless abandon. It is crazy up in here, y'all. The Bachelor universe is quivering on its very foundations, because Sean gave a rose to some girl before she even got into the house

Yeah. I said crazy

Like, she stepped out of the limo, and she said about four words to him, and Sean was like, I love your SPIRIT! Wait here. 

So the girl (whose name is Tiara? I think?) waited right there, and Sean came back with a rose, and he was like, will you accept this rose? And she was like, wtf?, but of course she took the rose, and then walked inside where all the other girls were like, what? That girl has a rose? No she didn't, and then they tore her apart with their eyes. 

So while this little exercise in female solidarity was going on, Chris was outside, making smarmy small talk with Sean, who was completely thunderstruck by the beauty and probable insanity of his 25 new girlfriends. But then Chris was like, wait, there's MORE. ONE MORE WOMAN is coming in a limo. 


So of course then they went to commercial, and both Lindsey and I were like OH SHIT THIS IS CRAAAAZY, and I had to wait at least several minutes for the mystery girl to be revealed, and it damn near killed me, but then we learned that it was...

Kacie B!! She's like, America's sweetheart or something. (For those of you who do not watch this show as religiously as I do, Kacie B is from Ben's season, which I did not blog because he was utterly lame.) Kacie B, I think, met Sean in one of the Bachelorverse's round of debauched cast parties, and has decided to submit herself, again, to the indignity that is this show for a chance at love with him. She is a brave woman. (And also a sharpshooter.)

Inside, a few women are bitchy to Kacie, because she like, ALREADY HAD HER CHANCE AT LOVE, and THAT IS SO NOT FAIR. Whatever. I don't care, and the producers don't care either, because this is a sideshow. The big deal is Sean handing out roses like there's no tomorrow. A rose for YOU! And a rose for YOU! And you too! Oh, and you over there! Will you accept this rose? 

One girl bitchily opines to Tiara that she didn't get the first impression rose. She just got the first rose, which is like totally different or something. Sean's roses are sort of like Beanie Babies: once everyone has one, the myth of scarcity begins to fall apart. Sean hands roses to what seems like 15 women in about 2.5 minutes. The advantage of this montage-of-rose-giving approach is that it spares us from the agony of having to watch these people actually talk to each other. The other advantage is that it drives the still roseless women into a real tizzy, because Sean is BREAKING THE RULES. You can just see the fabric of the Bachelor universe beginning to slowly unravel. Who has a rose? Who does not? How many roses are left? Why does Chris Harrison never age? What does having a rose even mean? (At this point, I thought it would be very funny if there was a black rose, and Sean could hand it to the woman he wanted to go home immediately. Lindsey did not think this was funny, because she is a better person than I am).

Anyway, anyone sans rose teeters on the verge of mental breakdown. The girl who has unfortunately chosen to wear a wedding dress (probably at the prodding of the producers) is noticeably sloshed, and also trying to impress a guy she just met, who has 25 other girlfriends. Oh, and she is wearing a wedding dress. She and Sean share some time by the pool, and she tries to get him to dance with her, and then she tries to get him to kiss her, and it's a complete disaster but you're still kind of rooting for her because really, we are all wedding dress girl. Who hasn't been inappropriately dressed and a little buzzed while trying to impress some chiseled, inscrutable man in a tux? The Bachelor, it touches us all. Wedding dress girl goes away roseless. For now! Tomorrow is another day. 

The some more things happen. 50 shades girl is mightily drunk. The girl with one arm (I promise I will figure out her name in just a moment) talks to Sean for a while, and points out to him that she has one arm, which is sort of the elephant in the room at this point. They talk for a while, and Sean gives her a rose, and she says something about how this rose makes her feel worthy, or something, and I'm sad because I think one arm girl should feel worthy because of her many other stellar qualities, and not because some dirtbag gave her a rose. I like her, which probably means she is too good for this show. But she's completely jazzed about the rose. The stem is so long! And it doesn't even have thorns! (Shades of Henry VIII. Like, maybe the reference to Katherine Howard here is completely apropos. Maybe the people who edit this show are super deep, and they are really digging into some kind of Flannery O'Connor, things-are-not-quite-as-they-seem type shit, and the reference to Henry VIII's seemingly-innocent-but-not-quite-so-innocent wife is really a commentary on this show, and how it seems like it's about love but is really only a crude approximation of love. No? I should never write this while drinking.)

Where was I? Oh yes, there's a rose ceremony. At the rose ceremony, the women are divided into the Chosen Ones and the Not Yet Chosen but Maybe There's Still a Chance in Hell Ones, and they stand on opposite ends of the Rose Ceremony Room, glaring at each other in thinly veiled disdain. 

The Chosen Ones are...
Tierra! Not Tiara. Close enough?
AshLee (That's how she spells her name. No joke. But it's cool cuz she's from HOUSTON. Represent.)
Robyn (Houston represent AGAIN)
yoga instructor Katie
Catherine, the cute graphic designer from Seattle
Leslie (I really like Leslie. Like, I want to ask her to get cocktails with me. She is toast.)
Sarah with one arm
Diana the single mom

And then the remaining roses go to...
Amanda the fit model (what's a fit model?)
Lesley from DC
Kacie B.
Kristy the real model (she bills herself as 'the best of the midwest', like shut up Kristy)

Lindsay the wedding dress girl! Yes!

So now a bunch of women leave broken-hearted, including drunk 50 shades girl, who I will not miss, and also including Paige, who was on like, one episode of Bachelor Pad, and was now trying her luck at the Bachelor, and who I actually liked. People I like do not fare well on this show. I am sad to see you go, Paige, but allow me to congratulate you on preserving your dignity. 


ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT. Sunsets, ridiculous vacations, romance, fairy tales, women being completely awful to each other. In this season of the Bachelor! Also, a roller derby. ROLLER DERBY. Why has no one thought of that before? 


  1. Awesome. So glad you're back!


  2. Yay! Just discovered that you're back, and I'm SO excited! Your blog makes watching the bachelor seem a little less ridiculous. Somehow...