Continued from part 1.
This particular half brought to you by a moderately-priced bottles of Malbec. And some dark chocolate truffles. Happy valentine's day to me!!!
Alli and Brad are having dinner on what appears to be an island in the middle of the hot spring. I can only see this working if the maitre'd is a crab and the waiter is a flounder. (You didn't think I would make it an entire episode without one Disney reference, did you?) So let's cut to the chase...they're on an island, and the island is in the middle of some steaming lake, and the conversation is...awkward. It's really awkward. Remember that girl in like, Andrew Firestone's season, who spent the whole date talking about how much she loved Italian food, and then her favorite Italian restaurant was Olive Garden? It's that awkward. Also, I just outed myself as a superduper hardcore fan of the bachelor. Don't judge.
Back at the resort: sweet mother of something precious but not spiritual and therefore not offensive, Chantal is drunk. I have had two long island iced teas and half a glass of wine, and I think Chantal is drunk. Meaning - Chantal is really, really drunk. She gets everyone to agree that Brad and Alli have like, a friend vibe, and then they all do jaegerbombs.
Brad asks Alli about her last relationship. (Date 3. Previous relationships are not discussed until date 3. Stick to the rule, Alli.) It didn't work out with Alli's last boyfriend because he was a great guy, but just not the one for her. Brad sees this as a great lead-in to saying: he thinks Alli is a really great girl, but just not the one for him. He can't look her. in her eye. and tell her. that he loves her. Welcome to the club of beautiful, rejected brunettes with lovely asses, Alli. But what I'm really wondering is: how do they get off the island? This is NEVER EXPLAINED.
Alli is sad because she had like, feelings for Brad. Back at the resort, some central american Rhett Butler comes to take Alli's luggage and all the women guffaw.
Back at the BradPad, Brad feels all guilty and shit. Blahhh. Brad: tired of your angst. There's a knock on the door and I'm totally preparing for it to be the freaking THERAPIST and I'm just about to get up to pour myself another glass of wine and instead it's Michelle. Oh, Michelle. So much love for you right now. Keep that crazy coming.
Brad asks Michelle, about 17 times, why she's there, and she tells him that she MISSES him, and they make out, evilly, while evil music plays. Is there a storyline here? I'm not sensing much of a storyline. There's a rose sitting on the Pier 1 wicker coffee table, because I guess the producers have forgotten this isn't a real date.
Michelle agrees with Brad rejecting Alli, and they talk about how it was just that night, like maybe Brad brought the un-given rose to display artfully on his coffee table so he could dwell on his INNER TURMOIL. Michelle wonders why Brad kept Chantal, and this is getting dumber and dumber. Like, almost as stupid as the Dr. Jamie spots. Oh. My. Gosh. IS MICHELLE THE NEW DR. JAMIE??
HOLY MOTHER OF STRING CHEESE AND ICE CREAM SANDWICHES, WHY IS THIS SHOW TWO HOURS LONG??
I'm about to beat my head against the wall, but then Michelle starts predicting who's gonna go home next. Meta, y'all, Totally meta. You know you're all thinking about this. Britt, Jackie, Shawntel...then Chantel, Emily, Ashley, and Michelle, naturally. Let's see how her predictions stack up. Brad seems unconvinced.
After commercial: it is NIGHT in Costa Rica. NIGHT like in Brad's SOUL. Chantal already has a rose, so she is dressed like BamBam. Not kidding. I'm gonna screenshot this nonsense. Everyone not dressed like a Flintstone is second-guessing themselves. Brad pops in to tell the ladies how HARD and EMOTIONAL this is. Not as hard as it is for me to watch, dude.
I am so tired. I am so tired of this episode. Not even string cheese and malbec (love you, guys) are going to get me through this. The rest of Brad's interactions with the ladies will be summed up in the form of a haiku:
Brad and Emily
feel vulnerable in a
hammock. or some shit.
Chantal wonders who
is the bitch who gave Brad grief
about that one rose.
Is is Michelle! She
is not trusting Brad enough
He is getting scared.
Michelle is supposed
to be here. These other girls
are not. Michelle cries.
Shawntel and Brad play
the quiet game. THE QUIET
GAME. Then they make out.
Michelle tells the girls
she gave Brad crap about the
rose. They all care. WHY??
WHOA. Chantel tells Brad
she loves him. He says nothing.
THIS SHOW IS SO WEIRD.
Oh, the Bachelor
Your web of crap entraps me
I need more cheese now.
Thankfully, this little interlude of bullshit and Japanese poetry is interrupted by...Chris Harrison!!! Chris Harrison lives, you guys!!
Also, I would like to point out, in non-haiku form, that when Chantal tells Brad she loves him, she mentions the word "sacrifice". Perhaps the first time that word has ever been said on this show. Props, BamBam.
Rose ceremony time! Chris packs all the solemnity he possibly can into his 45 seconds of screentime this week. Ladies, Brad, if you're ready...FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION OF ALL TIME IN BACHELOR HISTORY EVER.
Roses go to...Ashley, Emily, Britt, Shawntel...LAST ROSE TONIGHT. Way to earn that paycheck, Chris.
It's down to Jackie and Michelle crazypants. And it's...Michelle. Aw, crap. I'm smelling producer pick. Jackie holds it together pretty well in the limo. Hugs, Jackie. Let's go for drinks.
Next week...they are going to Anguilla!! Wherever that is. I'm sure it will be the most beautiful place in the world. And that Michelle will continue to work the crazy.
Don't miss it.