Episode 6, Part 1: Welcome to the Jungle.

This week: it's back to the long island iced tea. Specifically, the Spice Island Iced Tea. I've been tweaking this one for a while, and I think it has reached perfection. Check out my booze blog. It will inspire you. And remember: friends don't let friends use anything but fresh-squeezed lemon juice.

This drink? Seriously, so good. Let's watch some tv!

In the teasers: the Magical Romantic Journey continues!!! In Costa Rica! Now with Feelings! Drink drink drink drink driiiink. Oh, and someone loses their shit over some bugs. When the Bachelor: Fear Factor continues! Oh, and there are BATS. Okay, the freak-out was totally merited. Bat scare the poop out of me, as they should with any normal, sane human being. Because they want to DRINK YOUR BLOOD. Or kill you with rabies.

When did The Bachelor get so scary?

Speaking of scary: Michelle is back, in full force. And Chantal is dressed like Bam-Bam. CANNOT WAIT.


Some travel-channel shots of Costa Rica. Brad flies in in a helicopter. He wants to FALL IN LOVE because he is SO DIFFERENT. But wait! His being different has actually made this SO DIFFICULT, because he has like, FEELINGS now. Thanks a bunch, freaking THERAPY. Brad makes his Thoughtful Stance and stares at some waterfalls, but the churning waters only serve to remind him of the turmoil within.


The ladies are on their way to Costa Rica, too. Britt is wearing heart-shaped sunglasses. Just like Lolita. As if you needed any reminding that these women are like, 12. Speaking of which: The women's ages are back!! Because clearly, Chris Harrison reads this blog and has discovered my ingenious solution to their little graphic-design problem. Chris: since I know you're reading, this is all I ask: please wear increasingly more and more ridiculous outfits as the season progresses. Oh, and say "journey" a lot. Because I need booze to get me through this.

Oh, and I'm about to run out of Cointreau and I'm totally sending Fleiss the bill. That shit is expensive.

The ladies arrive at the Springs Resort and Spa (product placement!) and there's a volcano right across from the hotel, which I think represents Michelle's seething reservoir of rage. And there's Brad! He walks them to their villa, because Chris Harrison is now totally extraneous, and uses the words "lush landscape" without any trace of irony, because that is the kind of man Brad is. Are there also sparkling pools?

Brad drops off a date card and tells the ladies to relax, but no one can relax when they NEED THAT DATE CARD, as Alli and her lovely rump do. So of course it's for Chantal. The date card reads: "Close your eyes and hold on tight/ love is in the air tonight." Um...does this mean that Phil Collins is doing a private concert? Please let it be Phil Collins. And not ziplining. Chris, I know you're reading this. If you do a private concert with PHIL FREAKING COLLINS - well, I will be wedded to this piece of crap TV show forever.

I mean, just think about it. PHIL COLLINS.

Anyway. Chantal feels Special. Michelle feels like cutting a bitch. Commercial.

Okay, so add to your drinking-game list:

feelings
doubt
emotional

I'm only doing this because I care about you.

Brad comes to pick up Chantal, and they fly away in a helicopter because that's like, their thing. Michelle's talking to Emily about whether or not Chantal will come home, so I guess it's like, the Bachelor battle of good vs. evil. And Evil, who thinks that Chantal is doomed, wins because...good doesn't really say a whole lot.

Cut to about 15 minutes of footage of waterfalls because this show is TOO DAMN LONG. Brad and Chantal are going ziplinig! Oh, Phil. When I think of what could have been...

Brad hopes this date will rejuvenate their relationship. He wants to see that strong, confident, fun-loving woman he fell for 9 days ago, before he starting shoving his tongue down all those other girls' throats. Brad and Chantal: a relationship in miniature!

It starts to rain just as Brad and Chantal are about to go ziplining, but that's okay, Chantal opines, because when life gives you lemons, you make some shitty metaphor about it! In this case: it's just like a real relationship! In Real Relationships, sometimes it starts to rain! Just as you are about to go ziplining thousands of feet above the costa rican jungle!

Man, this episode is deep.


Brad and Chantal get to go zip-lining, together, half a mile, in the rain. Which sounds kind of awesome, honestly. Chantal says something about positions and having her legs wrapped around Brad and I will be ladylike and not make any jokes. I am a paragon of fortitude.

In commercials: an old Jewish man from a nursing home goes on a date. Why couldn't THIS have been two hours long?

Back at that one resort, a new date card comes for: Jackie, Michelle, Ashley (the only Ashley...I miss Ashley S already), Shawntel embalmer, aaaand...Britt. Which means Alli and all her assets have scored the second one-on-one date this week. Everyone freaks out like Alli has just won the lottery and Britt pretends to be okay with being the only girl to have never been on a one-on-one date. Sorry, Britt. I think you're adorable. Which means you're probably doomed.

Brad and Chantal are having a picnic, and they toast to the best day ever, EVER, EVER. All of a sudden, it starts to rain, and Brad has no idea what they will do! But I'm betting the producers have a plan B. Probably it involves a hotel suite, with a huge and prominent bed. Brad says this is just like a Real Date. In a random hotel room! Aaand...I will not make any jokes.

There's a clap of thunder, and there's Michelle back at the Springs hoping the rain will ruin the date and it will be the worst one Brad's been on. Which, if I recall, was exactly what she said right before Shawntel came back with 15,000 dollars worth of Fendi merchandise.

Back at random hotel: Chantal shows up wearing just a white oxford shirt, and Brad's pretty psyched.

Brad: You're FUN.
Chantal: Hey, thanks.
Brad: But...remember all the dramaz? On that last episode? In VEGAS? The producers want me to act worried about that so it won't be completely obvious that I totally dig you.
Chantal: Well, I am crazy. And dramatic. I mean...I signed up to find love on a tv show, right? But...I'm not wearing any pants.
Brad: Come here to me, please.


They smash their faces together in sweet oneness. Then they say about 14 drinking game words. Oh, and then Chantal accepts the rose.

Group date time! It's raining. Again. Michelle haaates group dates. She hates rain. She hates puppy dogs, and kitties, and rainbows, and happiness. Oh, and she hates Chantal. Brad tells us that today's group date is all about adventure, and facing fear. Continuining a running theme in this season, which is: dating means facing your very worst fears. Funny, I thought dating meant somebody buying me dinner at a swanky Italian restaurant. Someone on this production team has had some really bad dates.

They're...rappelling down a waterfall! Because I guess the whole "fear of heights" thing hasn't been overdone yet. Poor Jackie is scared shitless. Michelle's all like, whatever. Weak. And then she's pissed because Brad promised not to rappel down anything with anyone else, ever again. Actually, Michelle, he promised not to rappel down a building with anyone else. Gotcha!

Damn, this show is stupid.

Shawntel goes first. This looks...kind of awesome. Rope, rainforest, waterfall...I am there. Boys, take note. Britt is next, and then Emily, and then Ashley H., and then Jackie volunteers to go, even though she might've crapped her pants a little. Michelle calls Jackie "dramatic", which is sort of like Ernest Hemingway calling you a drunk.


Then Michelle gets pissed, because rappelling was like, HER THING, and she beats Brad a little just to prove how not dramatic she is. Brad laughs, because he likes it when girls hit him (another recurring theme!), and they rappel down the waterfall together, thus cementing Michelle's craziness forever.

Um...LIT #2. This is about to get good.


Today's date ends at a hot spring, because the producers could not find a single rooftop pool in Costa Rica. There are many, many gratuitous bikini shots, and Brad reminds us how phsyical this is. Dear producers: We get it. (Also: thanks for allowing me the opportunity to link to an Olivia Newton-John video twice in one season.) Michelle says that watching Brad take off his shirt makes her want to go home and bleeeeep. I have never found Michelle so relatable.

Brad steals Jackie for some alone time. (Sorry, the 80s references...they just make themselves.)

Jackie: It would've been awesome if we went down together!
Brad: Uh...maybe someday.

I WILL NOT MAKE ANY JOKES.

Also, the women that Brad says "uhhh...maybe one day" to? Pack your bags. "Uhhhh" means "I am contractually obligated to lead you on." Sorry, Jackie. I liked you, too. It's a real killer. Brad explains to Jackie that he made a promise to Michelle about rappelling down things, because only in the Bachelor do people make promises about rappelling.

Back at the manse (whoops, I mean the product placement resort), Alli's date card says: meet me at the altar. Like...whaa? Chantal does that thing about "your date card doesn't say love!" that unnerved Michelle a couple weeks ago, and Alli is like, yeah. My date card doesn't say love. It says marriage. So...hush up, bitch. Chantal hushes.

At Desperation Lagoon, the girls worry while Michelle lays by the pool evilly. (Evilly is Michelle's particular strength.) Everyone else, she says, NEEDS TO GO HOME.

Brad's with Emily. She's staring to really like him, she says, but she's Scared because she tends to sabotage relationships. Then, in the middle of the conversation, she plunges into the lagoon. CASE IN POINT. Only Brad follows her, quoting some Dr. Jamie bullshit. He doesn't want to let her sabotage what they have. Meaning..."please make out with me". Emily obliges. Emily, Brad, and Brad's giant distracting back tattoo have a grand old time.


Back the the product placement resort of romantic awesomeness....there is a bug on the table! OH NOOEEEES! Alli freaks out. FORESHADOWING. Dear Memorial High School AP English: The top-notch education you provided me with gave me the tools to recognize all the literary devices in this unusually craptastic episode of The Bachelor. Kisses.

P.S. The whole bug thing is drawn out TOO LONG. Why is this show TWO FREAKING HOURS?

Back at the pool, or whatever: Michelle is upset that Brad and Chantal have a Connection. Brad rolls his eyes. I do too, Brad. I do too. Brad doesn't want to talk about the other girls, which I guess is their cue to make out.

Brad and his pecs return to the lagoon of ladies as the rose hovers ominously. Brad wants us to know that this rose is a BIG DEAL. So, tonight, he is...NOT GOING TO HAND OUT A ROSE. Um...who gives a crap? This is the least dramatic DRAMATIC plot twist on the Bachelor, ever. OF ALL TIME. Bachelor producers? Try harder. Try much harder. Michelle and her chin think the rose should have been hers. Of course.

In commercials: Clorox purports to clean my whole bathroom. When you find a product that will scoop out the cat box? Call me.


Brad arrives to pick Alli up for her date...on a horse. He's dragging another horse for Alli, and another, smaller horse just for the hell of it, I guess. Alli manages to mount her horse without looking like a complete tard. They ride for a while and dismount. The accessory horses are still following. Perhaps everyone in Costa Rica goes everywhere followed by a rearguard of tiny horses? I can only hope.


They trek through the jungle to...a cave. I'm a little worried. Thanks to the subtleties of the Bachelor, we know that Alli is scared of bugs, but I am scared of FREAKING CAVES. Like, if I have to crawl on my hands and knees through a dark tunnel, I will have a conniption fit. There, I can never be on the Bachelor.

We're going into the cave. Alli is scared. DATING IS FEAR. If China out-reproduces us, Fleiss, I am blaming it all on this stupid show. There are BATS in the cave. Brad tries to make it all about him, per usual: "you're not worried about us, are you?" Gah, Brad. She is worried about the freaking BATS. Like, if I'm dating a guy and he's worried about the Relationship when I'm being attacked by blood-sucking bugs (BATS AREN'T BUGS!!!), then I'm dumping him. As soon as we get out of the cave.

Brad and Alli see an underground waterfall. Okay, that is pretty damn cool. Then they come to a set of natural stone steps that the locals call "the altar". When they're not being eaten by BUGS. They toast with beer. Beer in a cave? Yeah, I can get behind that.


The rest of the snark is in part 2!