Episode 7, Part 1: Angst-guilla.

This week: ANGUILLA! More fake feelings! TWOO LUUVVV. Heartbreak! Devastation! Oh, and a topless photo shoot.

The bachelorettes arrive, via speedboat, at the BEAUTIFUL ISLAND OF ANGUILLA. The ladies are posed attractively in a cabana at their villa when Chris Harrison shows up and they're all like, who's that?? This week, sez Chris, there will be not two but three one-on-one dates (gasp!), and one Very Special group date. There will be no roses on the one-on-one dates, but there will be one on the group date. The girl who gets that rose will get to take her relationship with Brad to the Next Level and it will be Huge, just like it always is when your boyfriend tells you he's only dating three other girls. The first date card is for Emily and she fakes being excited.

Emily and Brad are sittin on a bench, sipping champagne, when along comes...a helicopter! Brad says this is one of the Most Romantic Dates he has ever planned in his life, by which I think he means, "this is one of the most romantic dates ever planned for me by ABC staffers which I then took credit for". Keep on keepin' it real, Brad.

In the helicopter, Brad says he hopes his relationship with Emily "literally takes off" today and YOU'RE KILLING ME. Also: this word "literally"? I do not think it means what you think it means. (Second Princess Bride reference and only six minutes in! WIN.)


Brad is taking Emily and her blindingly white teeth to their own private Carribean island. WANT. The island, not the teeth. They sit on the beach and talk woodenly about how great the view is. Here is an actual transcript of their conversation:

Brad: I like it out here.
Emily: Me, too.

awkward silence.

Emily: What are you thinking?
Brad: This is a really, really cool view.
Emily: It is really pretty.
Brad: Love it here.

Brad stretches. Emily plays with her hair. I took a little nap. Brad can't figure out why he's still nervous around Emily. Uh, maybe because this is THE MOST BORING CONVERSATION EVER. Bring back Alli!

Brad figures the thing that will save the conversation is talking about his FEELINGS. Aw, shit Brad. No. Brad admits he's nervous around Emily and he "kicks himself in the ass" about it. (Where is the footage of THAT?) Emily's nervous, too, so they decide to call it a day and go home.

Sorry, that's just what I hoped would happen. The two most boring people on earth are TRAPPED ON A DESERT ISLAND and I'm gonna be forced to watch this for twenty minutes? Beer. I need beer.


Emily is scared to Open Up. Brad assures Emily how much he cares about her and says he only takes things so slowly because he cares. SO MUCH. This is SO DULL. Then they kiss because that's always better than talking, anyway. The sun sets, as Brad delivers this gem: "We're losing the sun. And we're gaining...the moon". Well, ladies...it doesn't get much better than that.


After commercial, a date card arrives at the villa de los ladies. If Britt does not get this date, she says, she will DIE and then go home and be SAD FOREVER. So of course it's for Shawntel. The date card reads: "Let's find love on the streets of Anguilla". Love, or some delicious roadkill. Or maybe they're comparing love to being run over by a speeding vehicle. DEEP.

Shawntel feels bad (I nearly typed "feels Brad"...Freudian slip? Maybe?) that she got the date and not Britt. But she can't think about that, because if she does, she'll go crazy, "like some of the girls here." Teehee. Only mildly funny thing so far this episode. Shawntel, you keep me hanging on.


Okay. After that little Kim Wilde interlude, I feel refreshed. More bullshit! Oh, and there is more bullshit. This is the part of the show where Emily pretends to have doubts about introducing Brad to her daughter, because the producers need to create some tension. I notice that Emily is rocking the side braid, which was last week's hairstyle of choice. Brad BREAKS THE RULES because he is a WILD MAN and tells Emily that she's definitely, for sure, absolutely, getting a rose. Also that he really likes her. A lot. Then the producers are like, hey, could you guys go kiss? In the waves? Right there. No, maybe a little deeper, so like, your ankles are submerged. Grab his chin. Yeah, like that. Okay, hand on her waist. Emily and Brad oblige. It's very special.


Shawntel goes into her one-on-one with exposed bra straps and a questionable skirt. She is feeling a Connection. Shawntel and Brad hug in front of a sign that says "Welcome to Ebeneezer" and I'm thinking- Scrooge? Second verse of Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing? Someone enlighten me here. (Also, if you're a dude and you got the Come Thou Fount reference - marry me.)


Shawntel is rocking the side braid, too. The side braid is very big. They ride bikes to a farmer's market where they drink some sort of libation from what appears to be half of a hollowed-out watermelon. Seriously, I'm guessing those rinds hold about a fifth of rum each. Brad says: today just got a looot better. Oh, I'm sure it did. They jump rope, and play dominos with the locals, and honestly...this looks really freaking fun. Shawntel is my current favorite. Sorry for ruining your chances, Shawntel.


Shawntel and Brad get some love advice from a wise old Anguillan woman. She says: hold hands. Kiss some of the time. Let your parents know before you get married. Oh, and never go on the Bachelor.


Brad and Shawntel have a picnic, surrounded by baby goats (baby goats!!) and congratulate each other on how natural they are. Shawntel tells Brad that she's Falling for him. The momma goat bleats happily. Then they have dinner and Brad gets a chance to re-hash his daddy issues a little. But you know what? It seems real. I'm such a sucker. Also, Shawntel is doomed.


It starts to rain. Wait, wasn't that Chantal's thing? DAMN YOU WEATHER. Brad and Shawntel kiss. It's kind of sweet. Damn, why does this date keep getting to me? Fleissy-poo, make Shawntel the next bachelorette and I promise I'll make you several key lime margaritas.

But wait...there's more! Namely, a private concert! By Banky Banks (sp?), the most famous of all the very famous musical artists in Anguilla. Perhaps the most famous musical artist in the WHOLE CARRIBEAN. It's pretty okay, I guess. But he's no Phil Collins.

Cut to the villa and the next date card. It is freaking finally for Britt. The date card says: "Let's set sail on the sea of Luuuuurve." I say: gag me. Michelle says: THEIR SHIP WILL GO DOWN. I am Ursula, queen of the waves! TREMBLE BEFORE MEEE." (Look, sorry the link is in Spanish. I couldn't find anything else. Also, Spanish Ursula's voice totally sounds like a dude.) Oh, Michelle. There was, by my count, nearly a half an hour without your vitriol. I've missed you.


Banky Banks continues his concert. The locals continue to dance, while Brad and Shawntel, powered by the sweet magic of Corona and the ABC machine and possibly true love, strip to their bathing suits and suck face in the ocean.


Brad picks up Britt and then they get into a FREAKING YACHT. I'm pretty sure Jay-z is there. They swim out to the yacht while the other women watch jealously. The yact takes them to an isolated little bay where they go CLIFF JUMPING. It's so Swiss Family Robinson, I'm just waiting for the ostrich race. (Totally counts as a Disney reference.) And the attack by PIRATES. You know what would make the Bachelor better? Freaking PIRATES. Chris?? You listening?

Britt is scared, because it's not a date on the Bachelor unless you're scared out of your wits, but she jumps off the cliff anyway because THAT IS JUST WHAT LOVE IS LIKE. Sometimes, in love, you hit the water, and it stings a little, but you're glad to be alive, and sometimes, you belly flop and it's really painful and embarrassing and you hope no one saw, and sometimes, you BREAK YOUR FREAKING NECK. Two thoughts: 1. I can't wait to be in love, and 2. I cannot believe some people saw this episode on freaking Valentine's Day. I hope ABC pays for their therapy. And not with that hack Dr. Jamie.

Dinnahtime, on the yach. Jay-z has made himself scarce and Brad and Britt are having a romantic dinner. Brad says that Britt is a great girl and "any man would be lucky to have her". This? This is the kiss of death. Mark my words. "Any man would be lucky to have you" can only mean one thing - "I'm thinking about all those men you should be with who are not me".

Dinner with Britt is boring, although not nearly as boring as with Emily. Brad gets down to the point: he thinks Britt is great but he's just not feeling it. Because he is such a CHANGED MAN, he's going to let her go right now, as opposed to leading her on another 24 hours until the next rose ceremony. Hey Chris? Your whole "there are no roses on the individual dates!" thing? Total bullshit. I hope you feel as played by ABC as I do. Let's meet for drinks. I like a nice IPA.

Britt gets into a little tiny boat as the Rejection Music swells. A boat! So at least that's a new one. Also, Britt managed to not wear any heart-shaped accessories this episode, and I count that a success. As sad music plays, Britt dismounts the boat and clambers onto the beach, walking past the pergola of former happiness and on to the villa. The other women's ironically happy cries of welcome only serve to accent the soul-crushing sadness of it all. Sometimes, the love with that chiseled man from the reality show who is barely able to form a sentence does not last. IT IS THE HUMAN CONDITION. We read some angsty Russian novels. WE SOLDIER ON.

Continued in part 2! Tomorrow. Tonight? I'm going to bed.