Emily Episode 5: A Rose by Any Other Name

This week! Kalon resumes his reign of shiny-faced douchebaggery, while increasingly douchey Ryan is surprisingly charming. Emily and pink Sean make plans to have a million babies, and Anthony Michael Jef finally goes in for the kill. The other dudes make a mockery of Shakespeare, because this show likes to shit all over things you love. And in the most-teased moment in Bachelor history, Emily tells someone to "get the BLEEEP" out. 

Hang on, kids. It's gonna be a wild ride. 

Tired of all the rain in Bermuda, the dudes are decamping to the one place in the world where it never, ever stops raining: London. As if Europeans didn't already have enough reasons to think we are all imbeciles. The guys are allowed a glimpse of Trafalgar square before they are whisked away to their hotel, where they will be sequestered for the remainder of the week when not on a date with Emily. It must be super awesome to be in a cool, exotic location and be forced to spend the whole time cooped up in a hotel with a bunch of other dudes, drinking and comparing muscles. Or whatever it is guys do when they're alone. 

Pink Sean (who looks slightly less pink in London) is the lucky winner of the first one-on-one date. He and Emily drive around London in their own double-decker bus, and look at things, and then they go someplace called the Speaker's Corner, which is, I think, a place where old dudes hang out and shoot the shit about politics. Sean gets up, and says he doesn't know much about politics, and the dudes are not impressed. So instead Sean talks about LOVE, and the dudes are even less impressed, but Emily is impressed, or least pretends to be, so that's good I guess. 

Then Emily and Sean have dinner at the tower of London.  FUN FACT: Anne Boleyn stayed at the tower of London on the night before her coronation, and also on the night before her execution. Super romantic!! Although, I guess, when you think about it, what the tower really represents for a lot of people is disappointed expectations and dashed hopes, so maybe it's appropriate. 

Emily and pink Sean have dinner, and she calls him her "prisoner of love", and all I can think about is that one time freshman year when Meg and Rachel and I went to Hancock fabrics and found this hot pink-and-black striped stretchy fabric that we called the 'prisoner of love fabric', and then ran around looking at all the cheesy patterns at Hancock fabrics, all like, "imagine this...in the prisoner of love fabric!", and then we laughed until we almost peed our pants. That was about 52,000 times better than this date. Emily and Sean are some of the dullest human beings ever, and I wish they would hurry it up and just make beautiful, boring blond babies already. Speaking of which: Emily asks Sean how many kids he wants to have. Sean hasn't really thought about it yet. Maybe two? Maybe six? Maybe ten? Maybe a million? Sean doesn't care. He's cool like that. 

Confident that Sean is ready to sire her children, Emily gives him the date rose. Then they make out for a while. Can I go now?

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives. The only name not on it is that of Anthony Michael Jef, which means that AMJ and his bouffant hair will be spending some very special quality time with Emily. "Kalon" is jealous. "Kalon" likes to deal with jealousy by acting like a huge ass. He points out, snidely, that every date with Emily will be a group date...since Ricki will be there. Ugh, Kalon. It galls me to see the words "houston, tx" under your ass face. 

The date card says "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." "Hey guys, I think that quote is Shakespeare", says Alessandro, the only one who paid attention in english class freshman year. Sure enough, all the dudes are going to be acting out scenes from Romeo and Juliet. They travel to Stratford-Upon-Avon, which, Emily helpfully explains, is Shakespeare's birthplace. Only Alejandro knew that. 

Emily is accompanied by three Shakespeare experts, who are deeply embarrassed to be here. They do their best to explain the intricacies of the bard's work to these lunkheads, but it is mostly useless. "Kalon" delivers his lines like an accusation. Arie reads his lines without having any idea what they mean because "they're like, in another language." Oh, honey. Maybe you should stick to driving cars and making out. 

But Emily does not care! Part of being a great dad is being willing to put your ego aside and be a big kid and butcher some great literature. 

After a so-called 'audition', one of the Shakespeare people announces that Alejandro (only one with any idea what's going on), "Kalon" (murder in his eyes), John WOLF (?) and Ryan (nice scarf, dude) will be playing the part of Romeo. Race car Arie and single dad Doug will be playing...the nurse! Puffy hair Ryan is practically foaming at the mouth about kissing Emily. While Arie is dressed as a girl. 

Later, the dudes are all practicing their lines, and Emily comes along to see how rehearsal is going. "Kalon" tells her to "run along". He is PRACTICING. I think this is meant to be charming and playful, but coming from "Kalon" it sounds stupid and asinine. Wanker.  

The guys are almost ready for their performance, and, the Shakespeare expert says, they are going to add one additional challenge...A LIVE AUDIENCE. I'm thinking that's going to be more of a challenge for the audience than the performers. 

Time for the big show! "A crowd bewaits!" voiceovers one of the dudes. Nice try, but that's...not a word. I notice we only see very tight shots of the so-called 'crowd'. I think there are seven of them. It's like the crowd of 12 people at all the 'big games' on Saved By the Bell. 

Dainty Arie does respectably as a girl. "Kalon" delivers his lines as if he's trying to pick something out of his teeth. Puffy hair Ryan is a terrible actor, but a slightly better kisser. "It's a play," voiceovers Arie, all jealous-like. "You're not actually kissing her." Suck and blow is a game, Elton! (Sorry. I try to drop in 'Clueless' references wherever I can.)

Arie: "If Shakespeare was alive today and he saw Ryan, I think he would say...'Thouest suck". Actually, Arie, I think he would say, "thou sucketh." Or maybe he would say, "kill me". 

Now it's time for the FAUX SHAKESPEARE WRAP PARTY. At a pub! Shakespeare! Pubs! SO BRITISH. Arie makes out with Emily...while resting his hand on her leg. Those are some serious liberties, race car. Ryan pulls Emily aside. He wants to be ALONE. He has a SURPRISE. I'm scared. 

Ryan has brought Emily...a necklace! He pulls it out of his pocket, no box or anything. Presentation is not Ryan's strong point. But hey, it was hard enough to convince his mom to drive him to Claire's. 

Emily loves it, proving that women will forgive you for being a giant douche if you buy them things. Heartwarming!

Not so heartwarming is "Kalon". SOMETIME IN THE PAST FEW DAYS...Kalon said some TERRIBLE things. He said that Emily has BAGGAGE. Like, Louis Vuitton baggage?

Things escalate quickly. Everyone hates "Kalon", so it is not hard for the guys to imagine that he said this dastardly thing. Drunkeye Chris takes this to single dad Doug, who I guess is The Enforcer. "KALON SAID THAT RICKI IS BAGGAGE," says enforcer dad Doug. Well, that's not exactly what he said. It's like a game of Bachelorette telephone!

Also: isn't this a freaking television show? If "Kalon" said something super terrible...why isn't there footage of it? I call shenanigans. 

But all these guys are bored or something, or more likely, Mike Fleiss needs some so-called drama, that slimy bastard, so things continue to ramp up. Doug confronts "Kalon" about his dastardly words. "Yeah, not gonna retract it," says "Kalon", because "Kalon" is a moron. All this means, "Kalon" says, is that having a stepdaughter is a responsibility. Um...your word choice sucks, dude. Those do not mean the same thing at all. 

Single dad Doug runs to Emily to tell her that someone said these terrible things. Someone referrred to Ricki...as BAGGAGE. (But it could be worse! I guess "Kalon" could've said that Ricki was a baggage, which would mean he called her a whore.) 

But no matter! Anyone referring to Emily's daughter as any kind of luggage cannot be allowed to live. "I am so angry right now," says Emily, but she still looks happy, and that is TERRIFYING. "I'm trying to think of the most ladylike way I can handle this," says Emily. "I want go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them." A true lady would only ever beat you with your own appendages. 

Emily announces her intentions to go "West Virginia hoodrat backwoods on his ass", and all the dudes are like, WHOA. SHIT. but they definitely want to be there for this. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?" asks Emily. "Kalon" has nothing to say for himself. His words were taken out of context! "Baggage" means "responsibility"! Uh...no it doesn't. 

"Get the f*ck out," says Emily. This conversation is OVER.

Kalon gets into the limo van of shame. Single dad Doug attempts to comfort Emily, but she would rather be alone. "Kalon" said those terrible things, and nobody said anything! Actually, Doug said something. Uh, just now. Did Emily miss that part?

Emily will not be giving someone the date rose, because she is DISAPPOINTED. She wishes the dudes had told her earlier what a completely reprehensible human being "Kalon" is. Race car Arie's like, "uh...we kinda thought you were smart enough to eliminate him on your own. Since he's a greasy douche and all." But Emily's having none of it. No rose for you! Everyone is sad. 

The burden of dealing with Emily in this emotionally volatile state now falls to Anthony Michael Jef and his incredibly teased hair. Emily has a suprise! It is...afternoon tea! With a real English etiquette expert. Jeff is like, W.T.F. 

Jean, the etiquette expert, is very British and clearly delights in etiquette. I would totally watch The Bachelorette: London Calling: Jean edition. Emily and AMJ, however, are less than delighted. Jean leaves to go to the "loo", and they sneak off to a pub. Those crazy kids!

At the pub, some SERIOUS conversation. Jef was there when "Kalon" spoke the dastardly words and called Ricki BAGGAGE. Predictably, Jef was like, hey dude, if you feel that way, uh...why are you here? "Kalon" said it was because he wanted to have a fun adventure. Sure, that's why 50% of the guys in the house are here...but you don't say these things. "Kalon" is not too smart. 

"If Ricki is baggage", says Anthony Michael Jef, "then she's a Chloe handbag that I want to have forever." Heyy! I made that joke! 

Then they go to the London eye, which is like this giant ferris wheel, where they have dessert and Anthony Michael Jef tells Emily how wonderful she is. He feels like he could tell her anything. He wants to have a family. Jef is ready to have dance parties with Ricki. I am ready to have an 80s dance party with Jef and Molly Ringwald.

Anthony Michael Jef definitely wants to kiss Emily, but he can't stop talking about it and actually do it. Be cool, AMJ. Be cool. Emily and Jef finally kiss. It is the Most Anticipated Kiss in Bachelor history. It is pretty okay, I guess. Jef could do this forever. That is fine, but I can really only take another half an hour or so of this. 

At the rose ceremony! Emily interrogates everyone about why they didn't 'stick up for her', conveniently forgetting, I guess, that Doug DID stick up for her. What did she want them to do, murder him? Send midnight smoke signals to Chris Harrison as soon as the dastardly words were spoken? Arie is on the hot seat, I guess because he didn't murder Kalon either. He repeats, again, that he thought maybe Emily could fend for herself in this situation. She is not convinced. They do not make out. 

Ryan is ready for some FUN. He makes Emily stand on a balcony, and then recites the balcony scene from Romeo & Juliet. Ryan also offers his own interpretation: Romeo is saying (he thinks) that everything is super beautiful, but Juliet is more beautiful still. He forgets the part where their families hate each other and their love will probably lead to their mutual demise. 

"I don't know where I turned a corner with Ryan," says Emily, "but I find myself liking him more and more." Although I've noticed that Emily sounds more country around Ryan than anyone else, so it's more like "lah-kin." Emily is lah-kin Ryan so much that she succumbs to his evil kisses. Noooo! Oh, but she says she's going to "keep an eye on him." Okay then. 

Then Emily makes out with pink Sean, too, for good measure. He gives her butterflies...in her heart. Maybe she should get that checked out. 

Look, there's Chris! It's Rose Ceremony time. Pink Sean and Anthony Michael Jef are safe. Roses go to:

single dad Doug the nark

puffy hair not-so-douchey Ryan

drunkeye Chris

John WOLF

Travis formerly of the egg

LAST ROSE TONIGHT. 

And it goes to...race car!!!  Alejandro is going home. And the rest of the guys are going to...wait for it...Dubrovnik!!

Say what?

That's the capitol of Croatia, for those of you playing along at home. Alejandro would've known that. 

Edited to add: My sister Susan, who is far more learned than me, helpfully pointed out that Dubrovnik is not the capitol of Croatia. (Just the most romantic-est city in Croatia, I guess.) Zagreb is the capitol of Croatia. Alejandro would've known that, too.