Emily Episode 6: Putting the 'Bro' in 'Dubrovnik'

Welcome to Dubrovnik, the walled city on the shores of the Adriatic. Dubrovnik, as these good people are eager to tell us, is unbelievable and magical and the very best place to find love. It is also a strange, exotic locale where reality stars are forced to carry their own suitcases. 

Ricki has gone back to Charlotte, and Emily misses her every second of every day, which means that by now it has become an involuntary brain function. She wants to 'figure out' her relationship with the guys she has 'no clue' about, like, what, you've known these guys for three weeks and you don't already know if you want to MARRY some of them? I AM SHOCKED. 

Lots of travel shots, because the editors of this show have sworn an oath never to show us anybody doing anything interesting, ever, and are instead forced to entertain usc with footage of charming fishing boats that may or may not have been swiped from a National Geographic film. Oh wait! this charming fishing boat contains the dudes, who cannot stop gushing over how perfect Croatia is. "Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love," opines Anthony Michael Jef, like I guess they cut the footage where he was like, "well, Croatia is an okay place to fall in love, but Italy would've been better."

Travis formerly of the egg is desperate for a one-on-one date, and drunkeye Chris wants another one, that greedy bastard. Emily delivers the date card herself, like where is Chris when you need him to carry your luggage and deliver your damn mail, and it's for Travis. I kind of like Travis, despite that stupid egg stunt, because he's got a little bit of a Mississippi accent and that reminds me of my cousins, who are all good people. Also, he appears to have traces of a personality, and that is rare here. 

They like, wander around in old Dubrovnik, which I will agree is absolutely beautiful, and of course the producers have managed to find some bullshit local love talisman. This time, it is the balancing stone. If you can manage to balance on it while removing a shirt or jacket, you will be lucky in love. This according to Emily, who I swear is literally reading from a card. Travis finally manages to stand on the stupid stone, but he does not remove his shirt. Does that mean he will be UNLUCKY IN LOVE?

Travis wants to bust out of the friend zone. He asks her if she prefers the mountains or the beach. "The beach!" replies Emily. "Me too!" replies Travis. OMG THEY HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. 

Back at the villa! Or wherever the hell these guys are staying. The dudes discuss whether or not Travis is coming home. Pink Sean thinks Travis and Emily don't have anything romantic. Single dad Doug thinks Travis could totally be romantic if he wanted to. Dastardly, evil-spawn-of-satan puffy hair Ryan thinks Emily doesn't have a big enough personality for Travis. He thinks Travis needs to be with someone who has a 'funky-crazy' personality, which I think is a little someone on this show admitting that Emily is kind of boring. I know I'm not supposed to, but I sort of love Ryan right now. I wonder if Emily is going to flip out on him later and ask all the other dudes why they didn't knife him for saying that. 

Ryan goes on to say that Emily likes bad boys, and then there is something clearly taken totally out of context about how he misses the 'mean man' he used to be on the football field. The editing monkeys are lazy this week. 

Meanwhile! It is suddenly nighttime on Travis and Emily's date. "I had the best time today," says Travis. "Awwwwwwww...uh, me too!", says Emily, which is like code for "no way in hell are you getting a rose."  At dinner, it comes out that since his broken engagement, two years ago, Travis has not dated at all. TWO YEARS??  WHAT A FREAK. Emily is so shocked that she slips back into country. "Travis...whaaa?" We hear a voiceover of Travis telling us how amazing Emily is, while Emily is like, whatever. 

Back at the bro house, another date card arrives. It is for the group date, but even these chumps know, by process of elimination, that whoever's name is not on the group date card will be the lucky man who goes on the final one-on-one this week. It is...Ryan!!  "My chest is beatin right now," says Ryan. No, that's your heart. It's an organ inside your chest. 

Back on the date, Emily is fishing around for a reason to dump Travis, but he keeps giving all the right answers. "What kind of women do you usually date?" asks Emily. "You to a T," says Travis, which I guess means all the women he dates are tiny, blonde, emotionally damaged single moms with a penchant for the spotlight. 

Emily picks up the date rose. She loves how Travis is always smiling. They have a 'friendship foundation', but she does not think they have a romance. Damn you, pink Sean, for being right! It is kind of crushing to watch Travis' face suddenly fall. Emily says goodbye, and Travis walks away, heartbroken, IN THE RAIN.

Next up, Emily and the clusterchump are going to the movies, because "sometimes, a girl just wants to see a movie." Sometimes, a girl was paid thousands of dollars by the producers of a movie to promote said movie on her crap tv show where she dates six men at once. The movie is Brave, which I am actually super psyched about seeing, so I hope this show doesn't totally ruin it for me. "It's not shakespeare, right?", asks one of the guys, because it is always funny to joke about your illiteracy. 

Brave is about three dudes competing for the hand of a scottish princess, or something, and all the guys are like, WHOOOA, this is exactly like us! But they don't know how right they are, because now that the movie is over, they will be competing...in a sham highland games!!!  The producers do realize that Croatia != Scotland, right? Although I guess it's probably a pretty long shot that any major studio has a film coming out that's set in Croatia. 

The dudes ride donkeys to the field where the games will take place, because traditionally Croatian warriors rode donkeys into battle, although I'm guessing they didn't do while wearing a kilt. The first activity is archery. Most everybody is pretty good at it, but drunkeye Chris misses the target completely and is duly mocked. The next event is the camber toss, which is where you like, pick up a huge log and throw it. Chris volunteers to go first, hoping some of the shame of his last-place finish in archery can be removed. Chris: "I have no idea if I'm good at this. I've never done this before, you know....but if that's what it takes, for me to...throw a log, to find love with Emily, then I'm more than willing to do it."

ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Never mind, editing monkeys. Forget what I said earlier. I LOVE YOU. 

Chris is disqualified, because his log didn't roll over, or something. That's what she said?

Anthony Michael Jef's log also fails to roll. Pink Sean goes next and be BREAKS THE STICK, because his arms are bigger than my head. Even the faux highland warriors hired by ABC to officiate the faux highland games are impressed.

The next game is the made leash (?), which is where you sit across from someone, and you both tug on a stick until one of you falls over. (I realize this sounds a bit inappropriate, but this time I swear I did not mean it.) Emily draws a name from a pot; whoever is picked will get to choose his oponent. It's Chris, and he picks single dad Doug, and Doug wins easily, because I guess the theme of this date is Chris sucking at everything. Chris is worried, because he has strong feelings for Emily and is worried she won't like him if he's not a total meathead.

At the end of the games, Emily has...an award!! No, it is not a rose. It is a stupid metal cup. Pink Sean thinks he has the bravery cup in the bag, hands down, because he is a powerful ox of a man, but instead it goes to...Chris!! Emily gives a little speech about how Chris tried super hard, like it is some kind of participation award in elementary school. 

At the FAUX HIGHLAND GAMES AFTER PARTY...Pink Sean is bummed that he didn't get the bravery cup, like, IT'S NOT A REAL AWARD, but that's okay because he gets some one-on-one time with Emily. They reassure each other of their mutual affection, because that's all anyone ever talks about on this show, and then they share a sweet little peck. 

Emily has some alone time with race car Arie, and he apologizes for not presenting her with Kalon's head on a pike, and then they have an awkward conversation about how much they like each other, as you do, and then they make out and it is HOT and Arie is back in the game.

Back at the hotel! Ryan gets his date card, and then the producers give us like, 15 minutes of Ryan talking about himself. It's so easy with this guy. All they have to do is ask him about himself, and let the cameras roll, and you get gems like: "I look at myself every day when I wake up, and say to myself, "who do you want to be today?" most men do no do that." If Ryan woke up today wanting to be a puffy-haired fake reality tv villian, then his method is 100% effective. 

Back at the AFTER PARTY, Anthony Michael Jef gets some alone time. He and Emily congratulate each other on Opening Up, or something, and then she wants to know why it took his so damn long to kiss her. "I was scared of you," Jef says. I am scared of the terrfying sounds in the background of this scene. Is it the sound of a thousand demonic frogs? Emily was worried that Jef's non-kissing was part of some evil manipulative plan. Jef says he wants to keep her guessing. But not too much. Then they kiss. Then the frogs attack. 

Drunkeye is next. If he falls in love with Emily, Chris says, he wants it to be forever. Who knew that six guys wooing you at once could be so boring? "Thank you," says Emily. Doesn't anyone on this show talk about anything normal?

Emily runs off and grabs the rose from like, right in front of the other guys and spirits it off to Chris. Pity rose! "Every time I think I'm gonna get one, and then I don't." says race car Arie, and he makes a fake pouty face and I love him.

The next day! Emily comes to get puffy hair Ryan for their date, and they sit around and flirt while the other bachelors sit around and think about how much they hate Ryan. Everyone thinks Ryan is a douche, but their position is weakened a bit by the fact that they're all wearing hoodies. With the hoods up. Indoors. In the middle of the day.

On the date: Emily voiceovers that she is upset that Ryan thinks of her as a trophy wife, even though she has spent thousands of dollars to make herself look like the perfect trophy wife. But she still smiles more with him than with anyone else. Maybe that's because talking about how terrible Ryan's driving is is still 1000x times more interesting than all those other conversations about Opening Up. 

They do Dubrovnick-y things, like eating oysters on an oyster boat (Emily spits hers out) and talking to a random, unintelligible old man who yells at them as loudly as possible, as if that will make these dolts understand Croatian. I think he is saying "WHAT ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS DOING? YOU'RE BEING FOLLOWED BY CAMERA MEN!!" 

Ryan thinks that Emily might be the woman that "God has chosen for me", which totally confirms my suspicion that all the bizarre things Ryan says in interviews ("I was meant for more than this") are some kind of churchy motivational talk that is being taken totally out of context. 

Emily and puffy hair Ryan have dinner at a castle, and he says "trophy wife" like a billion more times, and this is very frustrating for me because A. she does not seem to realize that he is trying to make a joke, and B. Ryan is too dumb to realize that Emily does not get his jokes. Then Ryan reads off a list of 12 qualities that he wants in a wife, like, it's just one thing after another. (Although I have to say that this holds with my uber-Christian theory, because making lists of qualities you want in a partner is totally a thing you do in high school youth group.) Here's Ryan's list, in case you were wondering:

1. Loyal

2. Logical (disqualifies everyone who has ever been on this show)

3. ??? (we are not allowed to know #3)

4. an encourager

5. faithful

6. a nurturer

7. confident

?. magnetic (because random metallic objects like bobby pins are easy to misplace)

8. servant (puts her family before herself)

9. unselfish (doofus, this is the same as #8)

10. beautiful

11. sexy personality

12. loves to catch Ryan's eye

While Ryan is saying all this, the HE SO CRAZY!! music is ramping up in the background. I guess the Bachelor producers did not go to youth group in high school. 

Emily's kind of like, bitch please. SHE is here to do the evaluating, not the other way around. Emily's worried that Ryan wants her to be perfect, and he assures her that that is far from the case. 

Emily does not give Ryan the date rose. At the top of her list of qualities, she says, would be a loving family, and that was not on Ryan's list. Except for the part where it totally was. Also, "a loving family" is not a quality a person can have, unless they come with an insta-family like Emily. Ryan is much better at this list thing. 

But wait! Emily is not feeling it. She cannot give him the date rose. Which means Ryan will die go home in tears. Ryan is very shocked. He thinks Emily is making the wrong choice. 

BACK AT THE HOTEL: The dudes discuss how dastardly Ryan is. Race car Arie thinks that if Ryan comes home tonight, he may have to have some words with Emily about her terrible choice in men. 

BACK AT THE CASTLE: Ryan is still shocked. He still thinks Emily is making the wrong choice. Emily is not sure. Like, if you're not sure...why are you still rejecting him? You'd think if you were allowed to have six boyfriends, you could keep a few maybes.


Emily deliberates for probably half an hour. And then she STILL rejects Ryan. That's a part of my life I can never get back. 

They hug goodbye. "Trust yourself," says Ryan. "BUT YOU'RE MAKING THE WRONG CHOICE." Nice. 

Also, who wants to bet that Ryan will come back in a later episode? I'm putting the odds at about 95%. 

BACK AT THE HOTEL, a lackey comes to get Ryan's luggage. The dudes high-five, and then they praise Emily for rejecting Ryan as if she has won some kind of Nobel prize. In the car heading home, Ryan hopes that "you guys who cut this up" will make him look like a cool guy, and not a douche. Oops. Also: most honest exit interview ever. Not "I am totally heartbroken," but, " I hope I don't look like a complete idiot on TV." You know they're all thinking it. 

Deprived of this opportunity to warn Emily about how dastardly Ryan was, race car Arie decided instead to tell her how excited he is that she rejected him. So he pulls a Courtney and SNEAKS INTO EMILY'S HOTEL ROOM. Man, Arie is so clever. I bet the producers knew nothing about that. Arie congratulates Emily on being a good "judgement or character", continuing his string of crimes against the English language. Emily is excited that Arie has her back. She gives him the date rose that she didn't give to Ryan, like THAT'S CHEATING, and then they make out. Arie says he's in love with Emily and could ask her to marry him tomorrow, which is like WHOA CRAZY because they still have WEEKS AND WEEKS of getting to know each other before it will come to that, but it's in voiceover so we actually have no idea when he said that. C'mon editing monkeys, try harder.

Cocktail party! The dudes are amazed that BOTH guys who went on one-on-ones got the boot this week. The one-on-one date is DEATH, man. Better to stay in groups, where you attract less attention. It's safer. Emily comes in, wearing a dress with little flecks all over it, like a corian countertop. For Emily, single dad Doug and John WOLF are on the bubble tonight, and she's not sure who to send home. Wait, if you really and truly can't choose, shouldn't you reject them both? It's not like you don't have four other boyfriends. 

First it's time for a one-on-one with John WOLF. He's been carrying around his grandparents' funeral cards in his wallet since 1999, and he shows them to Emily and tells her how much his grandparents meant to him. Emily is touched. Convinced John actually has a heart, she decides to make out with him.

Then Emily sits down with single dad Doug on a sofa full of karate-chopped pillows in an attempt to find out what his deal is. Doug feels like he's behind the other guys, and Emily pats the sofa next to her and says "well scooch on in here!" It's pretty cute. Emily thinks Doug could sell himself a little more. "You should probably pick me..." Emily's like, "probably?" "You should definitely pick me," Doug corrects. It's pretty awkward. 

Rose ceremony time! Drunkeye Chris already has his pity rose. There are four roses left. Wait, aren't there usually 6 guys on the next episode? Never mind!

Roses go to:

pink Sean

Anthony Michael Jef

race car Arie (who secretly ALREADY HAS A ROSE but nobody knows)

Chris: FINAL ROSE.

WHO WILL GET THE LAST ROSE???? It is the MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER. Except for the fact that it is totally obvious that whoever gets it is going home next week. 

Emily is distraught. She goes outside to find Chris, who is already hanging out with some random chick (from the production?) like, smoking a ciggy or something, even though about five seconds ago he was telling us that this was THE FINAL ROSE. Emily doesn't know what to do. Chris reminds her that there are NO RULES here. No rules? Like, the ones that you tell us at the begining of every week don't matter? What are you even here for?

Emily goes back and tells the guys she cannot hand out the final rose, and they are all like. jeez, is that what we've been standing here for half an hour for? BUT THEN! Here comes Chris, carrying a tray of not one but TWO roses. "Emily? The extra rose you asked for?"

Oh, I get it. She cannot hand out the final rose because the final rose is now the PENULTIMATE rose. Everyone is happy, except for me because this is totally stupid. 

Next week! The dudes go to PRAGUE, which I am actually super psyched about because a week and a half from now I am going to Prague, and now I can FOLLOW IN THE STEPS OF THE BACHELORETTE. 

Also, the truth about race car Arie's former relationship with a producer comes out! So...I don't get this. It's shocking and all...but who are these so-called 'producers'? What do they do? I thought Emily planned all the dates and carried her own suitcases and everything? Look, nobody thinks that. But it's weird that we never hear anything from the producers, because we're supposed to pretend they're not there, all like PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN, but now that Arie has had some kind of past relationship with the man behind the curtain suddenly we're gonna talk about it? It's just weird. This show is weird. So stick around. I don't think I could do this without you.