Sunday, January 27, 2013

Sean Episode 3: The Longest Kiss

Okay, drinking game. Since this season is settling into a nice ponderously dull routine, take a drink every time someone says one of the following words:

connection (a classic)

Take two drinks every time one of the following happens:

Someone talks about their parents
Sean is shirtless
Sean wears a v-neck t-shirt and jeans
Sean puts his hand on a girl's knee while leaning away from her uncomfortably
Daniella says something and it's obvious she is drunk.

Haha, just kidding about that last one. I do not want you to kill yourself. 

So this week marks the continuation of the journey of Sean and his delicious abs (drink) through the underworld of the Bachelor, guided by the mysteriously ageless Chris Harrison, and the first date is a solo date, for DC Lesley, and she is ecstatic, beside herself, about to rupture with joy, except I feel a little bad making fun of her because I actually like DC Lesley. DC Lesley is that very rare thing on the Bachelor, a moderately intelligent woman. I don't know what mishap of fate led her on to this ridiculous show, but we all benefit. So shine on you crazy diamond, shine on. 

Sean and Lesley's date is... a limo ride! To the guiness book of world records hall of fame! These crazy kids goof off for a while, and then it is revealed that they are going to BREAK A RECORD of their own. What record is set to be broken today? Is it something awesome, like "first person to climb mount Everest while carrying seventeen live rats in a backpack"? No, it is something lame, like, "longest onscreen kiss." Apparently no one has ever kissed, in front of the watching eyes of the viewing public, for longer than 3 minutes and 12 seconds. So Sean and Lesley are gonna blow that record right out of the water. At this point I'm like, this seems super easy. Ridiculously easy. Who hasn't kissed for more than 3 minutes and 12 seconds? Robots, maybe. 

Some dude from the Guiness book. who is Irish and very dignified, adds an interesting wrinkle: in order to meet the criteria for the record, Sean and Lesley must kiss for longer than 3 minutes and 12 seconds with their lips touching each others' the entire time. If anyone pulls back, it doesn't count. That sounds freakishly awkward, although not necessarily hard. They are still going for it. 

In front of a HUGE CROWD (that numbers perhaps in the dozens) Sean and Lesley set out to perform this miraculous feat. To no one's surprise, they are able to stand in front of the cameras and press their lips together for longer than three minutes, although at one point Lesley starts giggling and nearly messes up the whole thing. But the record is broken! They both get some plaque thing, and Sean gets some entirely unfounded confidence in his kissing skills. 

So then they go to like, the roof of a building, where every date happens in the Bachelorverse, and they sit in some egg chair and talk about their parents. They both mention their parents, actually, so you might as well down your whole glass. Lesley loves her family. They are the most important thing to her in the world, or something. Sean like. Sean gives Lesley the rose. They kiss again, I think, but mercifully this one lasts less than three minutes. Credits. 

Haha, just kidding! There is still way more of this crap to come. 

The next date is a group date, and you know what that means. DRAMA. There are like, 45 women on the group date, and I will not attempt to name them all, as I have no idea who most of these women are. But they are all freakishly beautiful, and they all go to romp on the beach with Sean. Some romping is happening, and everyone's having fun, and someone happens to comment that the lack of tears and angst is very unusual for a Bachelor group date, which of course is exactly when Chris Harrison, harbinger of doom, pops up on the beach. Like literally one minute, we are watching the happy romping, and the next minute, there's freaking Chris Harrison, wearing a linen shirt or some shit, and trailing heartbreak in his wake. The women have been sentenced to a beach volleyball game, to the death. No, no one's going to die. It is actually much worse: the losing team will be sent back to the Bachelor mansion, and they will NOT GET ANY MORE TIME WITH SEAN. 

What horrifying twists this show has. Hold me. 

So maybe you also are unable to handle this game, because of the like, TREMENDOUS CONSEQUENCES, but Mike Fleiss is a cruel mistress, and we are forced, while helplessly clutching our glasses of moderately priced wine, to witness the carnage. And it is not pretty. Understand, I am saying this as someone who is really terrible at volleyball: these women are terrible at volleyball. So they're all terrible, but I guess they're equally terrible? Because, somehow, the score is always tied throughout the like, entire game. (I smell producer shenanigans, but whatevs.) At the end, the blue team (maybe?) wins eternal fame and glory and Sean's love, and the red team wins a bus ride home in shame and tears and disgrace. Like, many of these women are actually crying, including Lesley the poker dealer who I think is so cool and who I want to be my friend, and Daniella the drunk who is actually very, very, beautiful, and why the hell is she on TV crying about some translucent blond lunkhead? This show is weird. 

Beach destruction after party! It is like, some sort of orgy of drinking and vapid nothingness. "Oh my gosh, I am like, so, amazed by you," says wedding dress Lindsay, who I used to like. "Yeah," says Sean. Then they make out. 

Meanwhile, Desiree is pissed because Amanda (sulky shoulder-roses MODEL girl) wants to get the date rose, like HOW DARE SHE. To this end, model Amanda corners Sean to tell him HOW FREAKING PERFECT she thinks she is for him. "If we were to get married..." she says... blah blah blah blah. Soopah subtle. Sean seems nonplussed. Dez thinks Amanda's cheerfulness around Sean is "creepy", since that's like totally not who she really is. KCB sees an opportunity. 

Sean, KCB opines, does not like drama. So her brilliant plan is to tell Sean about Desiree and model Amanda's little spat, in an attempt to discredit them both. Basically, she has a brilliant plan to attract the man who doesn't like drama... by stirring up shit. It does not go well. 

KCB pulls Sean aside and lets him know that she has something SUPER IMPORTANT to talk about. It affects her. It could affect THEIR RELATIONSHIP. Desiree and Amanda do not get along. KCB feels stuck in the middle. 

Sean's like, uhhhh? 

Why are you telling this to me?

KCB, sensing that her plan has gone a little less than brilliantly, begins to panic. She's telling Sean because she feels like she can't be herself around all this DRAMA. 

Sean's like, what? 

So he basically tells KCB to stop worrying about this crap, and think about what's happening with them instead. Of course Kacie is like, I AM thinking about that!, sensing her mistake, but it is too late. It is Sean 1, KCB 0. Kudos to Sean for seeing through KCB's shit. 

So then it's time for the handing out of the date rose, and Desiree, and evil model Amanda, and probably KCB and whoever the hell else is on this date, are all confident they will get it. But the date rose goes dress Lindsay! She is like, so excited to get the rose. Vapid compliments win the day!

The next one-on-one date is for AshLee, the 'personal organizer' from Houston with the penchant for unusual capitalizations. Sean comes to pick up AshLee and the mansion, but before she can even begin to personally organize him, Tierra manages to ruin everything by falling down the stairs. (She was not, in fact, pushed down the stairs by an evil housemate, as the previews would have led us to believe. I knew that was a red herring.)

So now instead of being all about AshLee, this day is all about TIERRA. The opinion around the house, expressed by several of the women, AshLee included, is that Tierra faked the fall in order to get more attention from Sean. It doesn't help her case when the paramedics come, all sirens and flashy lights, and Tierra refuses to go to the hospital with them because that would be like, embarrassing. She is fine!! Why won't everyone leave her alone? Except for Sean. 

Totally PLAYING INTO HER EVIL PLAN, Sean goes to find Tierra outside, where she has gone to sulk. They cuddle and he consoles her while the rest of the women fume. Then FINALLY, Sean takes AshLee on her date. It is... an amusement park! Which creepily is totally closed, except for them. They do this date at least once every season. But! This time it is different, because... Sean has invited two kids with terminal illnesses, who are huge fans of this show (kids watch this show?) to come along with them on their date. It is like, a test of whether AshLee will be nice to the two girls, or whether she is totally evil and depraved, and will be mean to two girls with terminal illnesses in front of a television crowd of millions. 

As you might imagine, AshLee acquits herself brilliantly. She has lots of sympathy for the unfortunate, unless they are drama queens who might or might not have fallen down the stairs. 

Then there is a private concert! By the Eli Young Band! I am actually pretty jealous. Everyone dances, everyone is happy, Everyone agrees that it is the very best day ever. AshLee gets the date rose. Naturally. 

On to the rose ceremony! DC Leslie, wedding dress Lindsay, and AsHlee already have roses, so they can smugly lord it over the other women. For everyone else it's a fight to the death, with Sean (and also being alive) as the prize. There is some DRAMAZ where Tierra is talking to Sean, and then Desiree steals him, and then Tierra comes and steals him BACK, and then Lesley steals Sean from Tierra, and then some more shit happens, I think, and it's basically like a bunch of vultures in really short cocktail dresses fighting over a piece of delicious pink meat. 

But fortunately, this bullshit cannot go on forever, because the show must go on! Hearts must be broken! It is time for the rose ceremony. Sean comes in and gives his little speech about how awesome everyone is and how this is the hardest decision he's ever made in his life ever, and then the rejection drama is set to commence... but first! Sean wants to have a word with KCB. Everyone else is like ZOMG WHAT IS HAPPENING. HE TOOK THE ROSE WITH HIM. Is Sean giving Kacie her own private rose ceremony?

What Sean has to say to Kacie is short and sweet. He thinks she's great, but... it's just not working out. They are better off as friends. He admires and respects her too much to make her go through another rose ceremony. Just like that, KCB and her cocktail dress from the sexy Jacques Cousteau line are headed home. 

And now it is time for Sean to reject two other women that he respects slightly less than KCB! ROSE CEREMONY. 

DC Leslie, wedding dress Lindsay, and AshleE already have roses. The other roses go to:

Tierra the drama queen
Leslie H. the super cool poker dealer
Daniella the drunk
Sarah with one arm
Amanda the sulky MODEL


Desiree. That seems pretty shitty of him to keep her waiting for him to come back all night long, and then make her wait for the last rose. Thanks, Sean

So going home broken-hearted are Kristy the other model and Taryn, the blond we barely heard from. And next week! Leslie the poker dealer gets the 'pretty woman' date, Tierra the evil gets a rock climbing date, and Robyn gives Sean a taste of chocolate. And there is a roller derby. ROLLER DERBY. Stay tuned! 

1 comment:

  1. Fave line: "it's basically like a bunch of vultures in really short cocktail dresses fighting over a piece of delicious pink meat."

    LOVE IT! Can't wait to see if Tierra has recovered from her tumble to wreak havoc during the roller derby.