Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Sean Episode 2: Sean Lowe and the Dark Energy

Hello everyone, and welcome the second installment of Sean the albino's quest for love. We're welcomed to the stage by Chris Harrison, who swears to us, once again, that Sean is super sincere, and this process could like totally work. Which at this point is really stretching the limits of credulity, but hey! 18th time's a charm!

So then there are some gratuitous shots of Sean shirtless, without which any five minutes of this show would not be complete. And then we go to the house, and everyone like, wants a date with Sean, and I think Tierra hates everyone else already. She is NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. Drink. 

The first date card comes, and it is for Sarah, who like the drummer from Def Leppard only has one arm. She gets the date with the helicopter, and also dropping off the side of a building. Which seems a bit cruel to do to the girl with only one arm, but Sarah is a pro, and she handles it admirably, and Sean totally admires that, and she totally admires him back for how he was like, there for her. Like I think at some point she thanked him for waiting for her before dropping off the side of the building, like maybe there was a possibility that he would just leap off by himself like a total jackass. But! He didn't do that, so I guess he is the man of the year. Also, look at his abs!

I think some other things happened on this date, like maybe they talked about how great Sean's parents are. That's how you can tell Sean really digs a girl, when he starts talking about how awesome his parents are. I guess that's how they do it in Dallas. But anyway, everybody admires everybody, and everybody was super awesome on this date, and Sarah gets a rose, and like, the most chaste kiss I have ever seen. C'mon, Sean. We're gonna need a little more than that.

Group date time! The group date limo, carrying like 50 women, pulls up to a giant mansion. Sean is standing on the steps, all like, what's up, ladies? Sean and the mansion have in common that they are both big and bland and white. The women are in hysterics over both. 

Then they go inside, and the date is... a photo shoot!!! For the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel! Which is, I think, the only thing cheesier than this show. But not by much. (Also, I have totally mentioned, on this very blog, that Sean poses like he's on the cover of a romance novel, and it is a known fact that Chris Harrison and Mike Fleiss are both regular readers. So basically this was my idea. You're welcome, gentlemen.) 

The girls will all take pictures with Sean, which is really a thinly veiled excuse for them all to make out with him, like, IT WAS FOR A PHOTO SHOOT, and the girl whose photo is the very sexiest gets to be on the front cover of three actual novels, coming soon to the 25 cent rack at a half price books near you. The girls get all dolled up for the shoot, and Tierra and Robyn hate each other, and then Tierra also hates everyone. She flirts with Sean, and she's all cute and sweet, which is TOTALLY NOT WHO SHE REALLY IS. Oh, and Kristy is sure she will win. Cuz she's a model.

Time for the shameless posing! I am referring to the photo shoot, not every single minute of this show. OH SNAP. DC Leslie, who hails from Arkansas, I think, is all country, and she rips Sean's shirt off, and kisses him, and it is hawt. And then some girls nibble on Sean's face, and then there's some southern belle schtick, but then there's Kristy, and she's a model, and she's all sexy, and she wins. Predictable.

And then there's a POOL PARTY! Except that it's too cold to swim, so it's mostly just a party where women get drunk and bitch about each other. Which is every bit as terrible as it sounds. There's a little bit that concerns DC Leslie sitting on a couch with Sean, and agonizing over whether to kiss him or not, and it's like, awww, first date! Where you want to kiss someone but you're kind of scared because like, all those creepy dudes with cameras are watching you, so you kinda lean in but then you kinda block him with your shoulder. Young love! 

The kiss does not happen. Sean walks Leslie back to the pool, where all the other women are waiting, sipping their champagne and sharpening their claws, and then we're subjected to some kind of terrible montage of women talking to Sean and being incredibly vapid, interspersed with DC Leslie debating the merits of grabbing Sean and just planting one on him. So finally she just like, goes for it, and it is...disappointing. Is this man trying at all? Sean. C'mon.

So then Kacie B, aka KCB, pulls Sean aside, and she's like, you're so great! And he's like, when I saw you at the Bachelor alumn sleazefest party, I totally thought of you as a friend! But...I'm glad you're here? KCB thinks this has moved her into "girlfriend zone", like whoa there, KC. 

Then Sean chats with Tierra, the former frontrunner, and she tells him like a million times how she's pursuing him. Translation: YOU ARE MINE. Sean tells Tierra how he really likes her, and wants to spend more time with her. But his face looks like this:

Katie the yoga instructor is feeling a little overwhelmed. She's surrounded by these 'very over-the-top personalities' (read: giant bitches), and she's not quite sure what to do. She confides in KCB that everything is like, WHOA CRAZY, and KCB is like, yeah, I totally get it. But then in a talking head, KCB is like, if you can't handle the pressure, just go home. Nice. 

Katie goes to talk to Sean. She tells him she's having trouble adjusting to life in crazyville. Sean is like, no, I get it. Stay. Katie's like, no, really, it's super crazy. So then Sean is like, whatever. Go home. Nice. 

Katie goes home. Good girl. 

Time to hand out the date rose, and it goes to...KCB! KCB is like, totally stoked. DC Leslie is like, I MADE OUT WITH YOU. Angry Tierra is like, I OWN YOU. 

Everyone is pissed. 

Up next! Desiree, who is adorable and probably unfortunately marriage-crazed, since she like, works at a bridal boutique, wins the dubious honor of a one-on-one date with Sean. Sean thinks this would be a great opportunity to play a SUPER HILARIOUS prank on her. He wants to make sure that she's like down, or something, for being the butt of one of his practical jokes. What a charmer. 

The setup goes like this: Desiree and Sean go to an art gallery. At the art gallery are so-called 'priceless' works of art. (They are all terrible. Desiree pretends to like them, which means she is either a great actress, or her taste is horrific.) But there is one piece of art that is even more PRICELESS than all the others. It is the most terrible of them all. I think it is a representation of the twisted remains of Chris Harrison's soul.

Speaking of Chris Harrison! He emerges from his lair so he and Sean can watch video of Desiree, who has been left alone in a room with the PRICELESS work of art. While Desiree stands around, wondering where her date has gone to, the PRICELESS work of art falls down and shatters into a million pieces. Whoops. 

Many people, including a terrible actor with terrible hair, who is pretending to be a french artist, or maybe a Spanish artist, or maybe someone Romania-ish, who the hell knows, rush into the room, and they're all like, pissed at Desiree for RUINING THIS PRICELESS WORK OF ART. Desiree is very apologetic, but she also looks like she might burst out laughing at any minute, which indicates either A. she has reached an admirable state of drunkenness, or B. she knew that work of art was a piece of shit to begin with. I like Desiree. 

Chris Harrison is really enjoying Desiree's suffering, because he is awful, but Sean feels a little bad, so he rushes in to 'save' Desiree. But he doesn't get to save her for very long, because he's forced to admit that the whole thing is a stupid, unfunny joke. Love means playing a really cruel prank on the first date. 

Desiree, having won some kind of award for putting up with this shit, gets into the limo, Where are we gonna go next? Helicopter? Private island? Dinner on a bridge? No, it's a romantic dinner... at Sean's place! He has prepared a delicious and romantic Birdseye skillet dinner. Actually, the producers have. But no matter, because all these shenanigans end with the two of them sitting on a couch, talking about how great their parents are. This is about as hot as foreplay gets with Sean. He's really feeling Desiree, and he thinks she's really feeling him. They decide to take off their clothes and get into the hot tub, for the continued facilitation of mutual feeling.

In the hot tub! Desiree and Sean drink champagne and talk about luuuuv. Love and marriage, love and marriage, they go together like a horse and carriage. Or some shit. To no one's surprise, Sean gives Desiree the date rose. She hesitates a while before accepting it. But then she takes it, like HAHAHA IT'S A JOKE! I meant to take it all along! So I have mixed feelings about this. This was not that funny. But hey, somebody needs to be giving Sean shit. They keep feeling each other. I think Sean maybe does some real kissing. Attaboy. 

Rose ceremony! Desiree, KCB, and one arm Sarah already have roses. Everyone else is drinking heavily. Look, it's wedding dress Lindsay! Where has wedding dress Lindsay been? Oh, she didn't get a date this week. Lindsay apologizes for having been like, totally drunk last week, which would be more convincing if she weren't also totally drunk this week. But slightly less drunk than the week before, so...improvement? Lindsay mentions to Sean that her parents are still together. They have a great relationship. JACKPOT. Lindsay is in.

Amanda, the fit model who nobody noticed before, is making a name for herself tonight by sitting on a couch and looking sulky. DC Leslie thinks Amanda has a 'dark energy'. That sounds kinda sexy. Robyn, who is super cool and from HOUSTON, wants to know if Sean really likes black girls. Sean's response? I don't really have a type. (Aka: I just like girls who are hot.) He just wants some who is sweet, and intelligent. "It's the woman...behind the physical appearance." That's legit. 

Sean comes to steal sulky Amanda, and she instantly brightens up. The other girls decide that she is not being real with Sean. Amanda is Not Here for the Right Reasons. Dun dun duhhhhh. 

Rose ceremony time! Sean gives some stupid speech. Don't care. 

Who already got roses:

Who gets roses now:
AshLEE the very personal organizer
Wedding dress Lindsay (yay!)
Robyn the asker of difficult questions
Jackie the...?
DC Leslie from Arkansas
Kristy the MODEL
Leslie the awesome poker dealer I want to go get cocktails with
Tierra who hates everyone
Taryn who is super blonde and cried that one time
Daniella who is also super blonde and drunk all the time (I kind of love her)



LAST ROSE TONIGHT. Way to earn your keep, Chris Harrison. 

Last rose goes to...Amanda of the dark energy! Boo-yah, bitches! The fluorescent shoulder-roses smirk in triumph.

(I am so happy that I lived to write such a sentence as that. Seriously. Read it again. "The fluorescent shoulder-roses smirk in triumph." Suck it, James Joyce.)

Who goes home broken-hearted? Brooke, whose lipstick matches her pale pink dress. Great color scheme. I'm jealous of how good she looks in pastels. "Love was not here," says Brooke sadly. No, Brooke, no! Don't focus on that! Focus on how you look AWESOME. Diana the single mom is also headed out. But Sean still has like...16? eligible bachelorettes. Seriously, I can't keep track.

Next week! More bitchery! An amusement park! Sean and wedding dress Lindsay make out! Oh, and Tierra still hates everyone. Stay tuned! 

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