Sunday, February 24, 2013

Sean Episode 7: I have a sparkle.

Tonight! Back to the tropics. In ST. CROIX. Like wherever the hell that is. Also: the return of pink Sean! Really really pink Sean. And hopefully the return of hot tubs. We can only hope. 

First up: AsHlEe's date. On a boat! And also on the beach, and also this:


So when Sean and Ashlee aren't lying on top of each other, they're having Deep Conversations about her Past. Ashlee has an important confession to make to Sean. I keep hoping that it's something truly shocking, like that she has a third eye on the back of her head, or that she ran away to join the circus when she was 15. Instead it is this: Ashlee didn't get along super well with her parents when she was in high school, so married! At 17! Which on the scale of reality show confessions, is slightly more shocking than being a virgin and slightly less shocking than say, having once dated Fabio

Sean is totally cool with Ashlee's quickie marriage, and Ashlee is totally blown away that Sean doesn't see her as Damaged Goods. This makes me sad. It also makes me think that Ashlee needs to raise her standards. But never mind. Ashlee is totally won over by Sean's acceptance of a relationship she had 15 years ago. So won over, in fact, that she gets up on her chair, at dinner, and begins yelling about how much she loves him. Fortunately, these two are having dinner alone on the beach, so only Sean and Ashlee and the camera crew and you and I can witness how truly bizarre this is. Is this typical third-date behavior from Ashlee? I imagine she gets kicked out of a lot of restaurants. 

Oh! And at some point Ashlee warns Sean about TIERRA. How she is like, NOT NICE to the other girls. Specifics or her not-niceness are given, like apparently she... doesn't want to sit with the other girls? Man, TIERRA sounds awful. 

Speaking of TIERRA! At long last, TIERRA gets a one-on-one date, but the time she and Sean spend wandering around the town and buying shit is overshadowed by her enmity with the other girls. Sean asks TIERRA why she doesn't get along with the other girls, because this shit is serious and this woman could be Sean's WIFE, and clearly we do not want Sean to be married to someone who does horrible things like SITTING BY HERSELF. TIERRA says that she's been trying to be nice to the other girls, but they keep doing things and not including her. It's hard to know whose side to be on here. Signs point to TIERRA not being terribly good at 'being nice', but it doesn't really help that whenever they talk about TIERRA, all the other ladies come across like bitchy mean girls. 

TIERRA doesn't understand why they have to spend all this time talking about the other girls, since none of  this will matter when she and Sean ride off into the sunset together. If she finds out who threw her under the bus, she will bring them a pointy reckoning. That's some foreshadowing for you. Dun dun dunhhh. 

So then it's time for Sean to go on an island road trip with the three women he already knows he really likes, who all unfortunately get trundled into one kinda lame group date. First Sean wakes up the ladies to see what they look like without makeup, which is asinine, and then there is a sunrise, like, awww, and then there is driving around and looking at things, and then there is making out on the beach.

Sean and Lindsay reflect together on how like, two weeks ago, she was a crazy girl in a wedding dress, and now she is just crazy. But Sean likes that, because then they make out on the beach. I think Lindsay is the one to win this thing. Just a hunch. 

Now it is time for shit to get real. Catherine tells Sean about how her father attempted suicide when she was 14. She still talks to him, but he won't be there on the hometown date. Sean is very sweet and supportive. But he also says this: "It says a lot about you, because I never sensed once that you had this strained relationship with your dad." I'm not sure what to make of this. Does Sean think that everyone who comes from a less than perfect family is deeply disturbed? He did dump poor Lesley pretty much right after she told him her parents were divorced. 

Des starts crying about not getting to spend enough time with Sean, because this show makes people crazy. Her family is everything to her. She really really wants Sean to meet them. It's huge for her to bring someone home, which is why she is totally cool bringing home this guy who currently has five other girlfriends. 

Speaking of Sean's girlfriends! Everyone settles down under a... giant coconut? so Sean can tell them how much he enjoyed the date. There are no three other girls that he would rather have spent today with. Aww, how sweet! Also, Sean says this on every date. Also, figuring out who to give the date rose to is the hardest decision he's made yet. He says that every time he gives out a rose. Everyone troops off to go see the sunset together, but there is no sunset. That's like a metaphor for this whole show. There is no sunset

What happens on Lesley's date? Big fat nothing. I think they kiss, a little, and then Lesley and Sean sit on a blanket and she's going to tell him that she's Falling For Him, which is one of the important stages of Bachelor Love, but then... she doesn't. And I think they go pick more fruit. And... that's it. What, no awkward dinner conversation? No candlelit evening in a dungeon or castle? C'mon, guys! Why do you think I watch this show?

So then Sean stands on a deck and looks out at the sea and agonizes over his decision, but because watching someone think, even someone as hot as Sean, is hella boring, the producers have brought in Sean's sister Shay to talk things over. Shay is the one who signed him up for this ridiculous show to begin with, so she has a lot to explain. Shay wants Sean to pick a girl who he knows really likes him, so he won't wind up hurt at the end. Apparently, the women being hurt is collateral damage, but Sean being hurt? Must not happen. So I guess this means pick the crazy girl standing on the chair yelling. Well, they're all crazy. But this is still terrible advice. 

The one girl Sean is not so sure about is TIERRA. Conveniently, cut to TIERRA, hanging out at the ladies' house, about to have it out with AshleE. TIERRA accuses ASHlee of having 'sabotaged' her date with Sean, and AshlEe is all indignant, which is funny because that is kind of TOTALLY WHAT HAPPENED. But TIERRA is also not being so nice. She would like to remind AShlee that AsHlee is 32, and she, TIERRA, is 24, so they should not be having this conversation. Lol whut?

So TIERRA's all like, whycome you guys don't like me, and AsHlee provides some concrete examples: she's tried to start conversations with TIERRA and TIERRA just ignored her. Also, there was some issue with a raised eyebrow? This sends TIERRA over the edge. She CAN'T CONTROL HER EYEBROW, dammit. How dare AshLEE bring her gimp eyebrow into all this? That is a LOW BLOW, but not as low as the crack TIERRA makes about AshLEe's botox. Damn. Burn. 

Ashlee mentions that TIERRA said her parents were worried about her not getting along with the other girls, what with her out of control face and everything, but according to TIERRA that is TOTALLY NOT WHAT THEY SAID. What they said was: YOU HAVE A SPARKLE. Don't let those other girls take your sparkle away. TIERRA's lot in life is a tough one. All her life other girls have hated her because they are jealous of her SPARKLE. Also because she apparently gives bitchy looks all the time. But she can't help that shit! It's just her FACE. 


Sean thinks it would be a great idea to introduce TIERRA to his sister, so she can see for herself what she's like. Yes! Great idea! The sounds of a conflagration escalate as Sean walks to the ladies' villa. This is gonna be great. 

Sean arrives at the villa. TIERRA cries. The other women sit bitchily in the living room. Sean looks on helpfully. But also a little bit wearily. He thinks that if TIERRA is having such a rough time, maybe it would be better for her to go home. Translation: I know it is not going to happen with us. The producers have asked me to do it this way so I will continue to look like a Nice Guy. 

"I hope the girls got what they wanted," sobs Tierra in the van of shame. Sean returns to sister Shay. He just didn't want to hurt Tierra any more. Also he has five other girlfriends who are way less work. 

Cocktail party! Except there's not gonna be a cocktail party, cuz Sean has already MADE HIS DECISION. ashLEe is a little freaked out, since Sean just eliminated TIERRA cuz he doesn't like drama, and she was like, 50 percent of the drama. Rose ceremony!

Wedding dress Lindsay already has a rose. The other three roses go to:


LAST ROSE TONIGHT. 3 minus two is one. Chris, where would we be without you?

And the last rose goes to...


"This rose means... I can trust. I can't describe the overwhelming love that I have for him. This is my husband." Whoa, AShlEE. Whoa. 

Lesley is bummed about going home. Catherine is even more bummed about Lesley going home, because Lesley had more in common with Sean. If Sean doesn't what Lesley, WHAT DOES HE WANT? This shit is the problem with all your girlfriends being best friends. And next week! Sean meets everyone's family! And there's a fist fight? I can't wait. 

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