Oh, The Bachelor. I wish I could quit you.
Intro! I didn't watch the intro, but fortunately it is the same every week. Sean is the hottest and most sincere person ever. He is hotter and sincere-er even than the ostensibly hot and sincere guy they had doing this last time, who turned out to be kind of a douche. But that will not happen with Sean, because he is hot! And sincere! Look at his abs!
I should mention at this point that I watched with Lindsay, whose cable was sort of on the fritz, which made everyone look like they occasionally had bright green spots on their face. Oh, and we missed about every fifth word, and everyone kinda sounded like a robot. Honestly, overall? A vast improvement. So I apologize if I missed any nuances, but that's a joke because this show doesn't have nuances. Onward!
First date! It is a one-on-one date, and Sean has chosen Selma (who looks like Salma Hayek -- easy to remember, only one letter off) because she is incredibly beautiful, and this is first and foremost a show about incredibly beautiful people. Sean comes to pick Selma up in an airplane or some shit. Good. The airplane lands and they get into a jeep. Not so good. The jeep drives into the Joshua Tree National park. Really really not good. Selma is sweating bullets. She doesn't like the heat. This does not bode well for her future with Sean, the hottest man alive.
Sean and Selma do some 'hiking', like I think they climb over a small rock, and Selma nearly loses her shit. So of course the real date activity turns out to be... rock climbing! On an enormously huge rock. Somehow, these two manage to make it to the top of the rock without falling to their death, and of course everyone is very pleased with everyone else, and Selma attributes her success to Sean, who was like, there for her the whole time, and then she compares being on top of a giant rock to being IN LOVE, like, you have to take risks, and it's scary, but then you're on top of a giant rock and you can see lots of cacti. I don't know, I'm just making things up at this point, because they were both robots.
The dinner portion of Selma's date has some kind of romantic redneck theme, because it takes place at... a pool? Surrounded by RVs? Yeah, I don't get it either. Selma is totally digging Sean and wants to kiss him, but is worried that her uber conservative family will freak out. So instead poor Sean has to be satisfied with holding Selma and gazing soulfully into her eyes. Mom and Dad are watching!
Oh, also Selma gets the rose. Because how douchey would Sean look if some girl were like, hey, I can't kiss you because of my super conservative parents, and then he were like, okay, bye bye? Sean thinks Selma has 'everything he is looking for in a woman', by which I think he means 'she is incredibly hot'.
Then they sit around and yammer about how much they wish they could kiss each other. It is like Twilight, only without the redeeming qualities. Haha, that's another joke! Everyone knows Twilight has no redeeming qualities. Finally Sean kisses Selma very sweetly, on the forehead, just like your high school boyfriend. Did mom and dad see that???
Group date! This group date is genius, I tell you. Genius. It is something so simple, so brilliant, and yet neither Fleiss nor his evil minions have ever thought of it before. It is...roller derby.
Or it would be brilliant, except that these assholes have put the girl with one arm on the roller derby date. Also, none of these girls can roller skate. At all. With the possible exception of Amanda, the model, who is roundly denounced by the other girls for being like, too competitive or some shit. And then Amanda gets some kind of jaw injury or something, so then nobody can roller skate, and Sarah is freaking out, and the producers are quickly realizing that if they are somehow responsible for the girl with one arm breaking her one arm, they're gonna look like huge assholes. Well, Sean's gonna look like a huge asshole, because he supposedly plans all of these dates. Haha!
So Sean does something so wonderful, so generous, the like of it has never been seen before. He decides to call of the roller derby. Everyone will just like, skate for fun or some shit. Yay SEAN! He is a wise and benevolent dictator. Everyone is happy, and everyone skates around to 80s music or something, but this portion of the date is deeply flawed due to lack of disco ball. And honestly, nobody's roller skating date can ever beat Ashley and J.P.'s roller skating date. I love those crazy kids.
Afterparty! Everyone thinks the potential for personal injury is past, now that nobody is wearing roller skates, but that would be to severely misunderestimate the potential of the drama bomb that is TIERRA.
So things are going as usual, you know, how things go on a group date: Sean is macking on some lady while everyone else sits around, making polite chitchat and hammering white wine. Everyone is cool with this, everyone except for TIERRA. (I think I'm gonna start putting her name in all caps from now on, just to demonstrate how VERY INTENSE she is.) Damn, TIERRA is really not feeling the wine and cold cuts tonight. Just as two other girls are offering to listen to her bullshit, TIERRA jumps off the couch, demanding to leave like RIGHT NOW, and then runs off to find Sean. WHERE IS SEAN? TIERRA likes Sean, but unless she can be with him 24/7, she wants OUT. She cannot be TORTURED LIKE THIS. Um...what??
So here is what Sean is doing right now. He and Lindsey are sucking face, you know, as you do, and they are about to get into the hot tub and it is about to get HAWT, when along comes TIERRA, trailing absurdity in her wake. "I can't take it. I cannot take it! I am BREAKING DOWN INSIDE, and HOLDING IT ALL IN, and THAT IS NOT FAIR." Poor Sean has to interrupt what looks like a very promising trip to the hot tub to babysit TIERRA. He consoles her. He kisses her. He gives her the date rose. Ugh, ugh, ugh. And all the while, I guess, Lindsey is sitting by herself in the hot tub, all like, this guy owes me bigtime.
Next up! Lesley, who I think is totally awesome and cool and who therefore will probably not last long on this show, gets the Pretty Woman date, because nothing is more romantic than a man buying you shit. There is an expensive sports car, and an expensive dress, and expensive earrings. And dinner in...some random building in LA, which I think may be the same place Joseph Gordon-Levitt had his interview with the architecture firm in the very last scenes of 500 Days of Summer. (Hey, I notice buildings. And anything having to do with Joseph Gordon-Levitt.)
So it is supposed to be all romantic or something, but they are alone in a huge building, and that shit echoes. Sean asks Lesley about her past relationships, and her family (drink like, a million times, because these two could not stop talking about Family), and it feels a little like the world's best-dressed job interview. Finally, it is down to the wire. It is time for the Handing Out of The Rose, but Sean, unfortunately, is just not feelin it. Also, he needs to let the other girls know that a one-on-one date is not a one-way ticket to roseville, in order to put the proper amount of fear in them.
So Lesley goes home alone, and the private concert that was planned with Ben Taylor (uh...who?) turns into a private concert of SADNESS and PAIN and REGRET as Sean does a half-Mesnick over the balcony and then DROPS THE ROSE. ONTO THE FLOOR. THE AGONY.
P.S. Everyone I was watching this with burst into gales of laughter at this point. Maybe not what the Fleissmeister intended. Or maybe, you know, he's an ironic genius. Like, LOOK AT THE ROSE. ON THE FLOOR. LIKE SEAN'S DASHED HOPES.
Cocktail party! Please let this be over fast. It's getting late, and I'm running out of wine. Sean reminds us how GENUINE he is. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Onward!
Highlights of the cocktail party:
Sean thinks about AshleE a lot. She is Amazing. Apparently not amazing enough, though, to get any of Sean's lizard-tongue. Watch the tongue! The tongue tells all.
Robyn gives Sean a taste of her chocolate. No tongue there either. I still love Robyn. Look alive, Sean!
TIERRA and model Amanda commiserate on a couch, because they are both EVIL, I guess. TIERRA hates everyone, but especially Robyn and Jackie. TIERRA would like to apologize for how the other night went. "I'm sorry for how things turned out, and I'm sorry you attacked me, and I'm that sorry people are so jealous of me, but I can't help it that I'm popular."
This is accepted for the complete non-apology that it is. Also, this is ridiculous. Somehow, in apologizing, TIERRA somehow still makes everything about her. The woman is a genius. If self-centeredness were a marketable skill, TIERRA would be raking in the cash. Actually, I think TIERRA may have found the one place where self-centeredness is a marketable skill. Can't wait to see her on Bachelor Pad!
Sean chats with TIERRA. He can tell she 'has a good heart'. Translation: "the producers are having me keep TIERRA for the dramaz". You can tell because... no tongue.
Case in point... Sean and Catherine wander off, and we get some real kissing. Attaboy!
Okay, rose ceremony time. TIERRA and Salma already have roses. The rest of them go to:
Catherine the makeout buddy
Des the Des
Lindsey the would-be hot tub buddy
Lesley from DC
Robyn the other makeout buddy
FINAL ROSE TONIGHT. Chris Harrison, you are indispensable.
And the final rose goes to...DANIELLA. Will you accept this rose? Please grace our screens with your beautiful blond moderate drunkenness for another week. Speaking as someone else who is blond and moderately drunk.
So model Amanda is going home. The woman injured her chin for you, Sean! Have you no respect??
And next week! TWO EPISODES. IN ONE WEEK. DOUBLE THE ROMANCE. DOUBLE THE BULLSHIT. DO. NOT. MISS.