Sean Episode 8: Meet the Parents.

Hometown dates! You know, that part of the show where the 'fairy tale' that is the Bachelor abruptly intersects with reality, aka the contestants' families, and everyone feels uncomfortable. (Aside: in the sense that many 'fairy tales' were actually cautionary tales designed to scare the shit out of young children, yes, this show is totally a fairy tale.) 

The first hometown date in in HOUSTON, with AshLEE, the adopted one. They drink champagne in a meadow, like, as you do, in Houston, and Ashlee is still over the moon that Sean doesn't think she's 'broken' for having been married before. Like what kind of men does Ashlee usually hang out with? Ashlee trusts Sean to protect her heart. Take a drink every time Ashlee says 'trust'. 

Dinner with Ashlee's parents! Dad wants to know what she's been up to, and Ashlee tells them about the polar bear plunge, but she turns it into like, this giant metaphor for how much she trusts Sean now, and everyone looks mildly uncomfortable. And after THAT, Ashlee says, she and Sean went to St. Croix and rolled around together in the sand, and everyone looks REALLY uncomfortable. "There was a lot of romance." Ashlee says. Mom looks like this:

It is the most awkward family dinner ever. 

Sean talks to Ashlee's mom, and she is like, are you going to break her heart? Sean yammers something about how special Ashlee is. While looking super uncomfortable. Dad's turn! Dad wants to know if Sean is in love with his daughter. Sean was afraid of that. He is Crazy about Ashlee. Also he could see himself maybe possibly falling in love with her. IF he were to propose, Sean asks, would Dad be on board? Sure, says dad. IF you decide you really love her. This show is so weird. The only one who seems sure about the outcome is Ashlee. She wants to get married like, the second they can. She doesn't want to wait. I'm worried. 

Catherine's date! In Seattle, where the chief entertainment, I guess, is watching people throw fish at each other. Sean catches a fish, because he is 'always willing to do stuff.' Catherine catches a fish, too. 

Then Catherine and Sean apply chewed gum to a wall of chewed gum, because the theme of this date is Touching Things That Are Gross. Sean is sure that Catherine's family will be warm and welcoming, because she is warm and welcoming. Hahaha! Little does he know. 

Sean meets the family, and at first everything is going well. He cooks with mom! He does pushups with Catherine on his back! Gradma wants to abscond with him and his giant muscles. But Catherine's two sisters are a little skeptical. "Can you see yourself with like, him, and a family, and like, kids?" one of the sisters wants to know. "If he proposed at the end, I would say yeah, I want to like, try this out," says Catherine, demonstrating something less than enthusiasm about Sean's hypothetical proposal. The sisters are not convinced. 

Sean asks mom for her blessing. "We'll see what happens," says mom, noncommittally. Sean is pissed at the family's unwillingness to kiss his ass, even though he still has three other girlfriends, like, whatever Sean. 

Lindsay date! There's a bit where Sean dresses up in army fatigues, and Lindsay bosses him around and like, slaps his ass, but he seems to really like it, and I feel a little uncomfortable. Also, he does pushups with Lindsay on his back, so thus far we're 2 for 4 with the pushups. All the army stuff is because, doncha know, Lindsay's dad is a two-star general. So basically, Lindsay HAS to win this thing, or her dad will have him killed. 

Mom wants to know if Sean is falling in love with Lindsay. "I'm not in a position to say that right now," he says. Super romantic! But he does want mom to know that he's Crazy about Lindsay. Remember this for later! Sean also talks to Dad. Dad is worried about Lindsay getting hurt. Sean would never want this to happen. Because he's so Crazy about her. And his other three girlfriends. Sean wants dad's blessing in the event he maybe possibly wants to marry Lindsay. Dad, to his credit, thinks this is weird as hell. He goes on some long tangent about being a paratrooper, and jumping out of airplanes, or something, like I guess getting married to Sean is like jumping out of an airplane? But dad finally gives his blessing. As long as Lindsay says yes. Women can make decisions, too!

Des date! Des and Sean are making dinner at what is ostensibly her house, but I'm calling bullshit on this one. Like, who keeps a cello around, just like, in the corner, with no pegs? And therefore no strings. Also, the producers would like us to believe that wedding dress saleswomen make enough money to afford a huge house in LA? I would like to get in on that shit. 

NOT A REAL CELLO. 

The doorbell rings, and Sean is expecting Des' family, but instead it is some random dude. Random dude is like Des, I LOVE YOU. Where the hell have you been? Des says she's been busy, gesturing no-so-subtly in Sean's direction, like, they've been busy. You're going to be with this ACTOR?? Sputters random dude. Sean's hand forms into a first. AND THEN...

It is all a joke! Haha! A joke! Like, a practical joke! This guy is not Des' angry ex. He was HIRED! I should've known nobody in their right mind would ever buy Sean as an actor. 

Then the family shows up for real. Mom thinks Sean is hot. Dad thinks he'd make a great son-in-law. Desiree's brother, though, is a little skeptical. He doesn't want her to fall for any bullshit. "There's no way this could work out," the bro says. Then he wants to talk to Sean. Uh-oh. 

Man, Des' brother is like, SUPER HARDCORE. He thinks that Des is really into Sean, but Sean is not really into her. I like how something that a normal human being would say in real life is treated on this show as something TOTALLY CRAZY. Speaking of crazy! To allay the bro's fears, Sean assures him that he is Crazy about Des. "You're crazy about a lot of girls, right?" the bro fires back, which is hilarious because just from watching this show we can know that Sean is crazy about at least Ashlee and Lindsay. OWNED. 

The bro thinks Sean is a playboy, and Sean is like, all offended, although it's kind of not hard to imagine someone saying that about the guy who just met up with the families of four of his girlfriends. So Sean hightails it out of there in like, the middle of dinner, because I guess he can't stand to be anywhere where everyone present doesn't think he's a golden god. Bye Sean! Des is very disappointed. I notice no one has finished their steaks. I'll take one of those. 

Ag, there is still 20 minutes left, so you know what that means! An awkward expository talk with Chris Harrison. Love you, but...skipped this. Sean doesn't know what to do. He has in mind his top two girlfriends, but he doesn't know who to pick for the third one. Is this guy for real?

Rose ceremony time! Sean gives a super long speech. It is a real snoozer. Just when I think this is finally about to wrap up, Des is like, Sean, can I talk to you? Catherine has a serious case of bitchface.

Des and Sean have a chat where she apologizes profusely for having a brother with a normal amount of skepticism about this stupid show. "It's okay," says Sean. BUT IS IT? Back to the elimination ceremony!

Roses go to:

AshLee

Lindsay

aaaand....

Ag, where is Chris? IS THIS THE LAST ROSE? Oh, there you are. 

Final rose goes to...

Sean walks out of the room. Just like, walks out. Wtf, dude? You're like, not done! Chris Harrison said there was one more rose! Sean goes back to the room of deliberation to like, stare at photos moodily, like, way to go Sean. There is absolutely no way that the woman you pick now will not feel like total shit knowing that you just decided to keep her like, two seconds ago. Also, there is no way this is not staged. 

And the final rose goes to...

Catherine. 

Sean goes outside to have a chat with Des. He's worried he may regret this decision tomorrow. Once again, WTF? If you're going to let her go, why not just let her go? What's with all the hemming and hawing? News flash, Sean. You can't do this show without looking like a giant douche. Get used to it. I mean, the setup of this show is to systemically reject huge numbers of women. 

The Bachelor: Most Agonizing Breakup Ever continues. Are the producers trying to sell us Des as the next Bachelorette, or do they just like to watch us suffer? Talk amongst yourselves. Sean tells Des he's going to miss her a lot. Again, totally not the thing to say to the woman you JUST BROKE UP WITH. Jeez. 

And next week! Romantic dates! In THAILAND. Don't miss.